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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Seven years ago, I had a friend’s with benefits relationship that lasted a year. I moved away because I fell in love with him and did not want him to know. Six months ago, we reconnected and I admitted how I felt and why I had moved. He had no idea I had feelings for him. We have always been completely honest with each other (except for that one issue). The day we met on a blind date, he let me know I am not his type. (He likes big breasts). He mentions sometimes that he will probably never have strong feelings for me and I have no doubts that he never will. Other times he mentions that we need to spend more time together and that if we click he wants me to move in with him. He also has a thing about not going shopping with anyone unless the person is family or in a relationship with him. He recently had me go to the store with him so I would have stuff I liked while I was at his house overnight.When we were together before there was no kissing because he did not want to become emotionally attached. After he found out how I feel, he said this opens a completely new door and we do kiss every time we are together but only a couple of times. I know he does not love me or have strong feelings for me, but everything I know for a fact he only does in relationships, we do, and I am confused. I try talking to him but he does not talk about feelings.He misses being married (divorced 12 yrs) and he has not met the right one. He thinks he will be alone the rest of his life. He is also on numerous dating sites but every morning as soon as he gets ready for work he talks to me until he leaves. After work, he contacts me as soon as he gets home and we talk or chat on messenger until we both get ready to eat and after dinner, we talk until he gets ready to go to bed. Weekends are spent either together or chatting. He does not really leave any time to meet anyone. He does know that although I love him deeply the possibility of a real relationship is now out of the question because I will not be his last choice girlfriend, even if he does decide he wants to be with me. So, my questions are, is he trying to force himself to develop feelings for me in case no one better comes along, does he just miss having someone to do these things with, or what else could be going on? I do know he is not trying to play mind games or give me false hope.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTEM you made my day. You made me laugh when I didn't even think I could smile. Thank you so much!
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (31 January 2011):
 I think you called his bluff. He put up that macho front at first, but then he panicked when he realized you meant business. So, he wants to salvage the friendship and put you through a "test" to see if his feelings will grow. I am willing to bet that the more you pull away, the more his feelings for you will surprisingly grow. He's still playing games.
I'm sorry. I am not usually this blunt, but this guys is totally full of BS. My real, totally politically incorrect, opinion is that he suffers from Short Man Syndrome. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Napoleon_complex
Anyway, it appears that it is too late. His unkind actions have killed your feelings for him. In other words, he shot himself in the foot. I have a feeling he does that a lot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe now wants to know if we can salvage our friendship, start off strictly platonic, only meeting in public until we see if his feelings grew if he opened up to the possibility of a relationship with me. I told him I would have loved that but it's too late now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell TEM to be honest, I was having difficulty telling him goodbye, but then I decided to test him. I told him I would want to know if he started having sex with anyone else. He said that was fine. I then asked him if he would want to know if I did. He said that would be up to me, so then I asked if it would make a difference. He said no, but if I wanted to let him know I could. I now feel sick, hurt, and used, but I will get over it in time.
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (29 January 2011):
Telling this man goodbye is going to be difficult because you both have become so dependent on each other, but you can do it. It will be interesting to see his response when you do. That will tell you a lot about his character.
I know you will miss him because you have feelings for him. To make it a little easier on yourself, try to plan activities with others, such as family members, friends or meet-up groups. There's a whole lot of groups for single people based on interests. Take a look at http://www.meetup.com/find
In other words, try to make yourself unavailable as possible. Pursuing hobbies and interests is a good way to do this, even if you don't feel like it. Act first and the heart will follow. You need to fill up your time, so that he doesn't feel entitled to taking up so much of it.
Good luck, and please let me know how it's going.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks TEM. You're right. I do need to end this. I enjoy his company but I do not want to sit around and wait to be told goodbye. Even if I stayed and he never said goodbye I would know the only reason would be because he never found someone he wants. This will be difficult but I am going to tell him goodbye and I can no longer remain friends on any level. If he decides he wants to try for a relationship at that point I don't honestly know how I would handle that but I believe his response is going to be just saying goodbye.
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reader, TEM +, writes (28 January 2011):
You know no one can tell you exactly what to do. They can only tell you what they would do if it were them. I do get an overall sense of sadness in your posts, and that is troublesome. It does seem as if this man doesn't make you feel very good about yourself, but that you've settled into this "arrangement" because it is comfortable. It's easier than putting yourself out there on the dating scene.
I can understand not wanting to go through the dating thing. It's rough out there, but that is the only way you will be able to find someone that loves, respects, and appreciates you. You deserve that. I get the feeling you don't think so. Your self esteem will continue to suffer if you stay with this man.
You are also aware that there is more heartache ahead if you continue in this relationship. You dread the day he tells you he's met someone else. Don't set yourself up for that. Get out there and find Mr. Right. I'm sure there is someone out there that you will find just as interesting as this man. You may have to kiss a lot of frogs to find him, but it will be worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks TEM. I am not dating at least any time in the near future because I tried and each time I just wanted the date to end so I could get back home and talk to my friend. He is who I want to spend my life with but feeling like his last choice is not the way I want to spend my life. I also do not like the thought of suddenly one day hearing from him that he has met someone. I don't know what to make of his words and actions. I am too biased to figure out on my own whether I should continue or end everything with him, give myself time, and begin dating again knowing at that point rushing home wouldn't matter since I would no longer have my friend to call. I guess I just need someone to tell me leaving him would be best.
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (28 January 2011):
If you are not looking to date anymore, what do you envision for your future? Are you okay with ending up alone? Is just having a man, that is a good friend, enough for you as you more into your older years? Is there some unspoken understanding that you will settle for each other if nothing better comes along? That's what I am getting.You apparently enjoy each other's company. You have been able to look past his appearance and love the man. I'm not sure what his deal is. His words say one thing, but his actions another. He is obviously very dependent on you. Now that you have filled in some of the pieces, I do see an insecure man. He puts up a front of not caring, so that he is protected in case you decide to dump him. He wants your time, attention, and physical intimacy, but won't give you even a little piece of his heart. That's really not fair.These things just don't make sense: You are not his type. He says he doesn't think he will ever develop strong feelings (of love) for you. If he does show an interest in having a more serious relationship with you, you have told him that that is out of the question because you don't want to feel like his last choice. Yet, you two spend most of your free time together, making it impossible to meet anyone that would be more suitable. You are both playing games.Newsflash - You spend most of your free time with each other and you sleep together. You ARE having a serious relationship, no matter what you both choose to call it. I really think you owe it to each other to be more honest. If you are such good friends, you need to have a real conversation about what this is and where this is going.I also think you are not happy with this arrangement or you wouldn't have written in. You want what everyone wants. You love him and you want him to love you back. If you stay in this one-sided relationship you'll have company, but will you ever be happy? I see remaining friends with a man, for whom you have romantic feelings, as a recipe for heartache.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI left out some facts. I am not looking to date anymore. When he told me I wasn't his type he didn't say why but we had just met so I knew it was my appearance. After we became friends we started talking about anything and everything including what we find attractive. That's how I found out. To be fair he knows he isn't my physical ideal either but I love him anyway. He knows I would not move in with him or start a real relationship now and he doesn't try hard to find anyone to date. I look forward to the texts and calls because he is my best friend. Could he be doing his relationship stuff with me just because he knows it's safe and I won't take it as his trying to start one with me? What about his staying so close to me out of insecurity? He's 11 years older than me, slightly heavy, only 5'5, going bald, big nose, scraggly beard, not my physical type at all. I'm no beauty queen by any stretch of the imagination but I am average. Should I just forget him? I also want to mention that I want to move closer to my family which is also closer to him, he has offered to pay all moving expenses. He has also mentioned staying friends even if the sex ends. I know he is serious about that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): I guess I left some things out. I am not looking for anyone to date. He did not come straight out and tell me the reason I am not his type. He just said I wasn't. When he told me that, I knew it was my looks because he didn't know me so it couldn't have been anything else. Once I got to know him I learned his type and figured it out. I know what he likes in women and he knows what I like in men. Physically he isn't someone I would normally be attracted to either. I also like the texts (messenger is linked to my cell phone so he can contact me.) He is my best friend and we would still be close even if we were just friends. Could some of his behavior be from lack of confidence? He knows how attracted I am to him but being objective in assessing his appearance I have to admit he is very unattractive. I'm no beauty queen myself but am average.
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reader, TEM +, writes (28 January 2011):
It's hard for me to say this but, pretty much all of what you wrote in your last paragraph is true. He is stringing you along. He's told you he doesn't have strong feelings for you, which gives him an out in case someone better (e.g. someone with bigger breasts) comes along. Meanwhile, he's monopolizing all of your time, making it impossible for YOU to meet anyone else. I would find some of his behavior downright hurtful as well (telling you you're not his type because he likes big breasts, how superficial! and not wanting to kiss. That's awful). That's no way to treat someone you are so involved with. He also appears to be the type that cannot be alone. In other words, I think he is needy (that's why he misses being married). I really think it's more like he misses a mommy - calling you before and after work, messaging until it is time to go to bed, etc. Yikes! That would drive me crazy. No wonder his wife divorced him.I agree with Sensible Sam. Waiting is not living. Your true love is out there. Times a wasting!
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female
reader, Sensible Sam  +, writes (27 January 2011):
I'm sorry to say, but I think he is playing mind games with you. He knows how you feel, and yet still, he is putting you in a situation that you feel you can't get out of. He knows how you feel so he is playing on those feelings that you have and is dangling you by a thread because he knows that you will always be there for him when he does feel lonely. He probably doesn't want to have to start over on the whole new relationship status and by having you there as his back up he doesn't have to, as he can have the freedom to do what he wants and also have the emotional and comforting feelings there from you, so he doesnt have to seek it from someone else as he knows you! My advice for you would be to stop putting your life on hold when you know this isn't going to go anywhere. All it is doing is diminishing your chances of going out and finding the man of your dreams, someone who will respect, love and adore you. Hope it helps xx
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