A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm struggling to clearly explain this so for context here is a brief timeline2008 - met my husband2013 - married husband2015 - started new training scheme - met load of people who became good friends and vague friends incl Alex2018 - went for promotion while pregnant with first kid, Alex helped with interview prepAug 2019 - went on maternity leaveMay 2019 - husband stopped talking to me and didn't want to be a familySept 2019 - agreed to separate and i returned to workI've naturally been catching up with work friends, I am actually ok with the split,I'm not longer sobbing everyday,I know i can't be done processing it yet. and I'm looking forward to some time alone.I met up with a vague friend last week. he didn't know. but OMG we had so much chemistry. I had never felt like this about him before.I don't have twitter but found his and he posted (an hour after we saw each other) about finally seeing light after the darkness of his break up.- stalking I found his long term partner left a year ago.we work in a huge multinational in complementary but different fields.now I KNOW this is rebound distraction, but I reallllly just want to flirt and sleep with Alex. I don't want a full on real -relationship i just want sex and flirtation not the emotional support of a friend.can mutual rebound flings work?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2019): Everyone today seems so analytical about who they have sex with and why. 70's where so much easier -- get dumped, move on -- find a sex buddy -- maybe they're a keeper, maybe not. Part friends -- you'll probably see each again -- reboot.
Sleep with both of them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2019): You don't need our permission because you will do what you will do as we will not be present but consider the potential fallout.You have started a secret fantasy about Alex while playing the part of a married woman.Now, after a bit of stalking you are assuming that you are the light that he is seeking.How can you assume that the light is yourself?And will he post that he had just shagged the light whilst uncomfortably avoiding you at work?That's the offer that's currently on the table so please reconsider and maintain a smidgen of decency.At least wait until you have a fuller indication of someone's feelings other than your assumptions via stalking.He may not be on the same page as yourself but the least you could do is to wait until romance blossoms.After all you are a fruited woman whom he may currently have some respect for.How sad it would be for you to lie on the top of his 'recently shagged women's list!'And your reputation at work would be disastrous.You might even want to leave the company whilst posting him your trophy panties.Real life is nothing like 'sex in the city' but currently you are modeling yourself on that genre.You see yourself as hard working and sexy and sassy.Tone it down a bit and for goodness sake and see if there is any future in it with Alex before giving him your best shot.He may have someone else on the back burner.And then you would be looking for a double rebound shag to clear your head again.Avoid stalking him and assume he isn't short of admirers.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 November 2019):
 I have to agree with WiseOwlE,
You need to walk before you can run. Which means you NEED to take the time to find you own feet and feel like you have successfully processed the split and all the changes that came with that.
I get that you want some intimacy and "Alex" seems like a "safe" person to get that from no-strings-attached, but it really isn't fair on you OR Alex to think that some "rebound sex" will fix anything.
To use an expression from my home land, YOU do not want to pee your pants in winter for those 5 seconds of warmth, because the next hour or however long it will take to get cleaned up and dry clothes on, it's just not worth it.
While sex FEELS good (in the moment) it might just end up complicating everything. Something you don't need to pile on top of what you are working through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2019): I dont want to hurt my husband or Alex. Not in any conscious way I'm aware of at least. My marriage is dead, I just want to move on but recognise it's too soon for a real relationship, and genuinely keen to enjoy my own company (plus darling daughter).
At the same time I miss being desired and talked to like a human equal not just a mother.but fully see it could be using Alex and he could well be looking for more than I can give.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2019): The problem here is you're in a vulnerable state of mind. Raw-emotion often makes us behave irrationally and impulsively. You're grieving a broken-marriage. Possibly suffering some postpartum depression.
Case in point:
"I am actually ok with the split,I'm not longer sobbing everyday,I know i can't be done processing it yet. and I'm looking forward to some time alone."
You haven't taken time to sort things out. You're being impulsive and vindictive. You're angry and resentful; and you're searching for a willing co-conspirator. Someone to use as a weapon against your estranged-husband. Someone to be used as an emotional-bandaid and a crutch. Cheating is a weapon, vengeful-sex is at the top of the list as the weapon of choice to get back at lovers and spouses who have angered and betrayed us. Best word to describe this kind of behavior...scornfulness! It's soaked in drama and quite explosive. It's toxic slow-poison. It's also self-destructive.
You are quite aware, and in your own words you describe it as a rebound. You're drawing a third-party into your drama; with hopes somehow your husband will inadvertently find-out, and will be devastated by it. Some things we consciously do, and some of our actions and motives are created subconsciously. We sometimes hide our anger in a state of denial; meanwhile, we do nasty vicious things, claiming no harm or foul intended. No-one wants to be characterized as mean and vindictive; but judge by the behavior. If the shoe fits!
You'll hurt yourself more than anyone else. There is no real "chemistry." You've found yourself a useful tool and an emotional-crutch. Someone likely to be receptive to your charms; and fits all the criteria to somehow hurt your husband. Your subconscious-intent is to get back at your husband. In your fragile state of mind, if it backfires, the consequences could be emotionally-devastating. You'll become attached, and he will not reciprocate those feelings. Sweetheart, you just had a baby!
Sort-out your feelings. Stay-away from sex and emotional-entanglements. You're playing with fire, and you'll get burned.
Stick around your mother, and wise older-women you trust. You don't need to be around men right-now. You need comfort and advice. Not just from us, from people who actually love you and care about your wellbeing. Alex is doesn't belong in this drama. At the moment, sweetheart, you're a hot mess!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2019): I feel like this is very soon after your split and I would caution you to think about how you might really feel if you do this? It might not make you feel as good as you think. Be gentle with your heart.
Aside from that though, I think if you are both very upfront about what you want and you both just want rebound sex then that's fine. But if he's posting about seeing the light and he's a year out from his break up, he might be in a very different place from you and looking for something more serious.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 November 2019):
 Very risky. I will explain why.
Firstly, both parties need to be on the same page regarding what they expect from each other. If you were both newly separated and both just wanted a bit of "distraction sex", then it might have a better chance of working than what is actually happening here, in that Alex has been out of a relationship for a year and is probably looking for a relationship again.
Secondly, when we have sex with someone, more often than not, especially for women, feelings become involved. At some point the sex is not enough.
You are obviously very tempted by this fling but I think, in fairness to Alex, you both need to lay your cards on the table and be totally honest about what you want. Don't lead him on and let him assume you are looking for a relationship when you are not ready for that yet.
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