A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I thought I would put my problems on here, hopefully to give me some perspective. This year has been the hardest year of my life. I am struggling so much at the moment but trying so hard to keep positive. Firstly, I was in hospital with a problem with my fertility, then my husband looses his job - I was part time as I wanted to spend time with my daughter as she is only a toddler, but unfortunately this couldn’t happen as I had to go back to work full time. My husband then got his job back and I still had to stay full time. Then, we get told we need IVF for a second child and I need to have further investigations into my health problems. My husband is amazing, really supportive, there for me etc, but I can’t help but feel sad that I may not have another child. People tell me that I am lucky, but I want my child to have a playmate and I just love children. Then, I get told I am loosing my job early next year that I love, so I applied for a different job in the same organisation and fortunately got it, but my new boss is a nightmare to work for. I don’t want the job (starts after January), I need to to keep the bills going. The thing is, everything has come at once. I want another baby but possibly can’t, I don’t get to spend any time with my little one now I work full time and I am in a job I don’t actually want, but need. Any opinions? I feel that everyone says your only have one life’, but at the moment I am completely miserable. My husband only understands the work point of view. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2019): You had one biological child. Domestic adoption is extremely inexpensive and almost every one suitable is approved. If you want a playmate for your child then you can adopt, and help the world with the overpopulation problem it already has, help a kid who needs a family AND help your own kid. My sibling was adopted and we are very close. Sorry but I have little sympathy for people who insist on having multiple biological children to ...what? Pass on their genes for all eternity? You were blessed with one already.Count your blessings and now do some good in turn.
IVF is dangerous health-wise btw...carries cancer risks. But it is your choice.
The job problem...that is trickier and I do sympathize there. But many people deal with awful coworkers or bosses...find ways to cope. It might improve in time, I would suggest to stick with it for a couple of years and consult someone on coping mechanisms for difficult people.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2019): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"Your husband lost his job, remember how it felt?"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2019): You need to set your priorities. Take on one issue at a time. You likely have some medical bills. I know you have socialized-medicine in the UK; but it's my understanding some things may not be fully covered. You barely have time for your little-one; but you're agonizing over the possibility you cannot naturally conceive another child. You are blessed and should be appreciative of the one you already have. Consider adoption at some later time. If your health-issues will not allow for IVF; you will simply have to come to terms with that reality. How is agonizing over it helping in any way???
You have been hit with life all at once. You're disappointed and overwhelmed, my dear. Just take a deep-breath; sometimes one issue complicates or compounds another. It's all in how you handle it.
We all face life-crisis, and troubles don't always come pre-announced or forewarned. It all might just hit us when we're off-guard, or when we're down. You have to take-on one problem at a time. You've got your support, and your rock...your husband! God is testing your mettle and developing your strength. Now might not be the time for another child. Meanwhile, let cousins and neighbor's kids be your child's playmates. Teach him or her to socialize and interact with others. That's what preschool and kindergarten is for.
You don't have to face it alone; but you're making the desire for a second-child a holy grale that is going to tear you apart emotionally. Let the matter rest. Revisit it after dealing with your other problems.
If you need the job, keep it. Bosses are sometimes nightmares; but turning down jobs will keep you both under financial-strain. You husband lost his job, remember how it felt? Well, you'll have to bite the bullet to keep the bills paid. Things could change with time, as the job goes. The boss may leave; or you could seek a transfer to another location, if possible. You really can't afford to fold under pressure; because you've allowed the second-child to become an obsessive-pursuit that is too much for you emotionally under your present situation.
You can be miserable, and wallow in your self-pity, and start ruining your marriage. Otherwise, you can try and get your second-wind; and take this thing on. You've got to hang in there; this is just the middle of the storm. The calm is just on the other side of it. Say a little prayer now and then; it will give you a little sliver of hope.
You need to fight your way forward, this is all temporary. These obstacles come with life, and we have to develop strength and the survival-skills to push on. You have been blessed with a beautiful child already; and you have a loving supportive-husband. You also have a job. I think it would be best that you be thankful for what you have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2019): If you want another child and you can't have one then you're grieving. If you're not even sure yet then it's doubly hard because uncertainty means that we bounce between grief and hope and it can be an incredibly difficult place to be.
You're also getting upset about your job when it hasn't started yet and it might not be as bad as you think. But if it is then you don't have to stay in it for the rest of your life. You may have to suck it up for a while but nothing is permanent.
It sounds like you're overwhelmed by the things that are going on and it's making you lose hope in life. All I can say is that the one thing we can count on is that life changes and moves on. What you feel now will not last forever. Things will brighten again.
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