A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:[OP original title]I've just returned from my second holiday with my bf of 4 yrs. this might not seem as important to u guys but it kinda started bothering me that we weren't having sex all the time. The thing is, at home before we went, he would be the one to initiate when we did, hed get annoyed when I didn't try and get things going and it wasn't that often as we work conflicting hours.So anyway, my thoughts were we could go away together, I'd be the one to try and spice things up, I brought dress up gear and was the one jumping on him for sex. I wanted him to realise I was trying to make the effort. So then one day during the holiday I realised it wasn't just about sex anymore. It was the intimacy. I was the one craving his touch, kiss, hugs, anything. I was the one whod come to him, whod grab his hand to hold, to hug him. I left it for a few days and not once did he do any of that. He didn't try to have sex til I hinted. He didn't kiss me, or hug me. He didn't tell me he loved me unless it was in answer to me telling himIt would be my worst nightmare to realise that he's just not into me anymore while on holiday together. I'd do things like walk around naked to see how he would react, he bearly bat an eyelid. He was so into me when I dressed up for him, but when I left it to him and asked if it bothered him that we had a whole apartment to ourselves and we hadn't had sex for a few days and he said no.I love him, I want his love back physcically and emotionally. I feel like its slipping away and he's not trying to pull it back. I'm 20 and I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. 4 yrs is too long to just end it. Please help me work out where to go from here. I need to know how to make this better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat actually makes sense in a way, its just quite hard to deal with. I've been through phases of thinking he doesn't love me, he doesn't fancy me etc. And when I'm not the one texting him or jumping at his call he gets so insecure that I don't love him anymore. It would be gd if we both understood what the other wanted which makes me wonder if were right for eachother but I love him too much so I'll always keep trying.
Thanks rescuer.
And thanks everyone for ur replies!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies..
Rescuer- our relationship seems to be almost perfect in every other way. We can talk for hours about anything, we laugh, share secrets, he's basically my best friend bt I'm wondering now if that's all how he sees me. The only thing missing for me is the fact that I enjoy things like random hugs and kisses and telling the other u love them etc. Its not just on holiday, always. I love affection and we've fallen out so many times over me feeling left cold. He doesn't understand when I tell him. He would also try to prove me wrong at any chance "what dya mean, I hugged u yesterfay" which would have been a headlock kinda hug coz I was abit pissed with him.
Can anyone see where this is going?
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A
female
reader, Chippy2  +, writes (15 August 2010):
The fact that you initiated all that at holiday not just the sex - which I am sure was a good start but then YOU realized you wanted intimacy!
Yeh, I went thru that with my bf of 4yrs - guess what? We are not together anymore! When we had gone on vaca it started to happen.
He may not know why. He may have been scared of the pressure of intimacy when it was just the TWO of you!
Sex is one thing - that is easy for most men.
Please don't interrogate him - didnt work for me - but you could just ask if something has changed. Again it might be about him not you - My opinion is to voice what you are experiencing but dont expect him to know what is going on or pressure an answer.
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reader, kgarren +, writes (15 August 2010):
I just got out of a 4 yr relationship and am 20 as well. I understand your reasoning that you had come this far for it to just end without a fair chance, but I lost interest in my guy for a while, but for me it was all because I was confused on what I wanted anymore. I know that is not what you want to hear, but also it may not be the same in his case.
Maybe he is testing you to do something sexy and crazy! I had my ex tell me "we do the same thing everytime, no new anything", so I then decided to do something to spice it up. It really may just be something going on within himself and not you.
Have you noticed him acting different other than in the bedroom?
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (15 August 2010):
 It sounds like you've done all you could. You've shown your heart's devotion to him and he's only reacted, never taken action. So how does he look at you now? What does he do when he sees you? Are you his girlfriend or are you just the woman standing next to him? Have you discussed this with him, asked him if he wants you. Tell him that you want him.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): u guys need 2 tlk.i think its miscommunication.he probably feels like u dnt wonna hve sex wit him and u felt da same way at 1 point so jus tlk.but he still likes u yall r jus havin a communication problem.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 August 2010):
 Ask him what happend to make him lose interest in you, what bothers him, has he met someone else, is he depressed, etc. You know it's not about how you look or what lingerie you own. There seems to be a disconnect between you two. You felt everything is fine and thought when you come home everything would resume. He, on the other hand, was thinking a lot about this relationship and looking for ways to escape from dealing with the issue head on. He would have said something already if it didn't stress him out to open up to you. Men are bad at expressing themselves with words. Write him letters and have him reply you. Let him brainstorm ideas and let the exchange flow gently. As you get more ideas reflect on them then let your intuition ask him the next question. It's like putting the missing pieces of puzzle together. Always challenge him until you get the answer which is satisfying.
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