A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I'm so desperate I've resorted to asking over the internet.My parents told me they are never going to accept my boyfriend. He is 36 and I am 20. We've been dating for 2 years. He is a nightclub promoter and has been having money problems lately (who hasn't in this economy) and has had to move back in to his parents house for the moment. They don't accept him for his age and what he does for a living. They say he's a bad influence on me, when really it's just the opposite. He doesn't force me to go out with him, or do things, I choose to on my own. He's been paying for everything and taking care of me for the past two years (even when he had no money.) They say it's an unhealthy relationship, when really it's not. We love each other very much and make each other very happy. Happier than I've ever been with anyone else. I don't understand their logic, because they met some guy I met over the internet and went out on one date with, who was 26. And I was only 16 years old. It was completely illegal. They agreed to that relationship, but not this one that's completely legal. I've met HIS parents several times and stayed at their house for a few days here and there. They accept me, and they like me. They think I'm 21, but what's one year? They think because we met at a vulnerable time for me that I've just been using him as a crutch. They are very wrong and don't even care that he makes me happy and I'm in love.Please help me because I'm about to give up and go move out with him and just be estranged from my parents. All they do is judge me, they don't see me as an adult or accept me for who I am.Please help.-c
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): Please don't become estranged from your parents. Avoid discussing your boyfriend with them if you have to but try to keep a relationship open with them. Also, avoid discussing your parents with your boyfriend who may manipulate your feelings in ways you don't realize into breaking away from them when you shouldn't. Parents love you forever. They see things from a different perspective than you do and like it or not, are just trying their best, right or wrong, to keep you safe. You should try to be understanding with them. People usually have an MO or a pattern of behavior. The fact that your parents were understanding toward other boyfriends, even toward someone much older tells me they are capable of bending over backwards to be fair minded and non-judgmental, even when you were under age and they had reason for concern. Some parents don't like anybody. None of my husbands girlfriends or his brother and sisters dates/spouses were liked by his mother. None! In a case like that, Mom or Dad has a problem, but that does not seem to be the case here.
Also, beware of a boyfriend who doesn't like any of your friends and only wants you to socialize with his, or doesn't want to socialize with anyone else at all. BIG red flag. I am a parent whose daughter has disowned me and the rest of her family over her boyfriend. There was no avoiding it. I tried doing what the textbooks say by inviting him into the house. I held my tongue when he mistreated her. I tried to be friendly. I invited him to dinner, I offered to take them places, etc. I tried to establish a relationship with his father as well, but very quickly found his father's hatred for his x-wife carried over to mothers in general. (Boyfriend has disowned his own mother without good cause with the approval and encouragement of Dad- a red flag) For the short time boyfriend came to the house he was disrespectful and nasty to everyone including 90 year old grandma, didn't want us in the same room with them, and would curse at my daughter to the top of his lungs over trivial things in front of me and have her begging and pleading for mercy. I kept out of it hoping she would get a little self respect and send him packing on her own. She didn't. He quickly started making up lies about me and became physically threatening toward me, forcing me to tell him he has to stay away from my house in order to keep me and the rest of my family safe. He actually told her she either loved him or me and couldn't comprehend how she could love us both. My daughter would get upset at him yelling at her and come back from dates and start hitting me which I will not tolerate either. I have other younger children in the house to think about and I can't put them or grandma at risk. My daughter got mad and moved in with him and his father. She says he came from a bad home and doesn't know any better and I should overlook his bad behavior- and hers. The agony is horrible. According to all the textbooks he has all the earmarks of a severe abuser. Drugs, alcohol, unable to hold a job more than a week for the last 3 years, flunked out of numerous schools, hair trigger violent temper,insanely jealous, constantly accusing her of being unfaithful, takes all her money, sabotage artist when it comes to all her dreams. I fear for her life. When she tries to break up he turns into a crying- I'll kill myself-excuse factory and she gives in. Also when they break up, he keeps calling her phone hundreds of times an hour and leaving messages to wear her down. She caves each time. I just hope when she finally realizes all the lies and pie crust promises, that she will have the strength and self respect to leave him and come home once and for all. Back to your problem, I have to ask you what your friends think of your boyfriend? What do your other family members think? If one person doesn't like him...maybe a problem...two people don't like him...you should be concerned. If everyone except you see's a problem, then you have rose colored glasses on. Old saying. Love is deaf dumb and blind. It's true. My daughter friends have ALL advised her to break up and have actually told me so, but she won't listen. He cries and promises he'll do better and she keeps giving him more chances.
The age? Your age difference is large. I actually encouraged my daughter with someone 8 years older because I thought he was mature and a good influence. Age doesn't always matter but the larger the gap the more likely problems will develop, and it is normal for parents to be concerned. I myself dated someone 10 years older when I was 20 which is why I think I was understanding (my parents weren't). Looking back I realize he was very immature in ways I didn't see at the time although I have no regrets.
A guy who really loves you will try to win over your parents even if they make it obvious they don't like him. At his age he should know that your parents have legitimate reason for concern and he should be bending over backwards to impress them. My older boyfriend did-. I had a mother-in-law who hated me. I tried very hard to impress her for many many years because I knew my husband loved her and it would hurt him if I forced him to break off ties with her. Even when she treated him badly I held my tongue and let them work it out themselves. When she became terminally ill, I encouraged him to spend all his time with her until she passed. I didn't want him to look back with regret.
If he loves you he will also encourage you to maintain your friendships outside of your relationship with him. Secure people are not afraid to share their significant other with friends and family.
One problem I have is that your boyfriends family let you stay over. Guest room or his room? Guest room OK, his room? Another red flag. I don't care if they think you are 21, most parents won't let a son bring a girlfriend home for a sleepover. My daughter moved in with her boyfriends father since her boyfriend is unemployed and has no where else to go (she's a student). His father knew I was frantic with worry when she didn't come home and didn't even let me know she was staying there. He has younger teenage girls in the house. A good dad wouldn't want to set a bad example like that with his young teen daughters. He would have called me and sent her to one of her girlfriend's houses if she didn't want to go home. Stay safe, be careful about birth control, and what ever you do, keep in contact with your parents. Their love is unconditional and forever. Try to go to a professional counselor if you can, or find a trusted older adult, maybe the mother of one of your friends, if you can't afford a professional so you can talk to someone outside your family. best of luck.
A
female
reader, -MISSMCKAY-  +, writes (24 January 2009):
 my situation is similar to urs.. only my mum knows but my dad doesn't.. i think he knows there is someone, but doesn't ask. my dad is quite controlling, tells me if i date someone like.. this or that he will chuck me out the house, therefore i have made the decision to carry on seeing this man without him knowing, because i know his fist will do the talking when he does find out.. don't fall out with your parents.. this is what i am trying to avoid, i agree with some other comments about moving out.. thats also what i need to do! gd luck x
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (22 January 2009):
 please stay in school. That is the only way to an independent secure future. Men come and go but family is forever. Your parents will make mistakes but at the end of the day, they do love you and have your best interest at heart. I've been where you were at 18, and trust me, you don't think the same once you get older.
Save yourself the heartache. Take care of yourself with a man in the picture.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (22 January 2009):
 It seems that you are on your way toward making good decisions. Remember that you have known your party boyfriend two years, and it has probably been fun, but you have had your parents your whole life thus far and hopefully for many years ahead. They are your shelter in any storm. Best wishes.
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female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (22 January 2009):
 Awsome! That is a perfect plan! You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, don't let anything distract you!!! :))
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female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (22 January 2009):
 Never, ever cut ties with your parents. Never do that...
What if, by chance, this doesn't work out? Then where will you go? You see, he fell on hard, hard times. And where did he go for support and help during those hard times? His parents. That very well may be you someday. And if you have burned that bridge, then what? Your stuck. Don't ever do that. Ever. Its never a wise choice and will come back to bite you in the butt. You're 20. Yes, you are an adult, but over the years there are going to be times when you NEED them. And that's just not something you want to do to yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the fast response. I had some time to calm down (my mother and I got into a huge argument and she said some EXTREMELY hurtful things) and I realize it's not good to burn bridges, and it's also not good to rely on my boyfriend.
My parents are paying for my education and I just need to focus on transferring to a good school where I can live on campus. I would be able to breathe and focus on myself (and not pleasing anyone else)
I need to just laugh off my parents put-downs and focus on my goals. Prove them wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): Your parents will never see you as an adult, as long as you are living under their roof. You have to state your independence by taking that step!
I married my first husband when I was 18, and he was 26. My parents were the same way. But eventually once I moved out and showed them I was serious, they came around. The marriage didn't last, but that had nothing to do with his age. I have no idea what ever happened to him, even though we have two daughters together...so I guess in a way my parents were right. But I can tell you although the father of my daughters isn't around, my parents are! They have been very supportive through all my mistakes and errors in judgement (and I've had a bunch!)
So I guess what I am saying is although your parents are probably right...you have to live your own life and make your own mistakes. That's how we learn! That's how we grow. So, get out there and make some mistakes, be cautious, and above all don't run back to Mommy and Daddy when things go wrong! It's all apart of life and life is difficult at times, but we have to learn to stand on our own two feet!
I hope I have helped in some small way! Good Luck!
Britt
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (22 January 2009):
Sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself that this relationship is okay. I was your age when I got pregnant with a man your boyfriends age, he seemed to be so much fun, took care of me and all that. Suddenly, when I was barefoot and pregnant, he became very mentally abusive, and was able to be that way because he paid for everything, and I had ignored my parents advice, so didnt have them to really turn to (at first). Are you working? What kind of plans do you have for yourself? I ask because I didnt have anything but him, and because of it, I dealt with his abuse which eventually became physical. I finally left, and 6 years later, I am married to a man (a very good man) who is 2 years younger than me. He is more mature and mentally together than my sons father! Be very careful. It might work out, but I wouldnt cut ties with your folks. He might seem very cool, being a club promoter, with a sort of party edge to him, but its those kinds of guys that resist ever growing up and will most likely treat you badly when you become his responsablility. My son's dad is one of the highest end marijuana dealers on the island I live on. It was fun at first but then when it came time for us to grow up and raise our son, I was the only one growing up and to this day, he dosnt help take care of my son and it's not that he can't afford it, he just won't accept that he now has to be resposable. Just be careful hon.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (22 January 2009):
It's a big step, and it's never a good idea to burn bridges. You will place yourself in a situation that is dangerous. If you and your boyfriend break-up, or even if he has ongoing or additional financial problems, you will be in dire straits and will have seriously damaged your relationship with parents. You are, however, of legal age to make your own decisions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): I'm 19 and I can understand their point. I personally never understood why girls want to date a guy twice their age, maybe daddy issues? But you can move out, you are under their roof and they got a right to say whatever they want. If you don't want their crap, move out.
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