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male
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anonymous
writes: So I'm having a bit of an issue with my fiance's "loose morals" before we met. Why is this an issue now? Well, I stumbled upon her journals...I know, I made a mistake (trust me, I would have rather not known).So "A" and I have been together over a year now, and it's been nothing but wonderful. I really have no complaints about the girl. She's everything I could ask for in a woman, which is why I proposed to her a few weeks back.To give you some background, we met through a mutual friend over a year ago, and hit it off right from the start. 6 months later, I asked her to move in. And it's been about 9 months since then and I've been a truly blessed man (I do really love her, honestly. But we're getting to the meat of the matter, so bear with me).One day, around the 1st month we were dating, we had a conversation about previous partners, and I mentioned that I'd rather not know how many or any details because a) it wasn't my business, b) I'd probably think differently of her, and c) I didn't want to tell her how many women I'd been with.8, if you really want to know. I'm 31, I've been sexually active for about 13 years, and there were only 8 women, most all were long-term relationships. None of which were a one-night-stand. I wouldn't call myself a prude, by all means, but I've always been selective about who I sleep with, waiting until I was in a relationship with someone I cared for, and until the time was right. It's the way I was raised. Sure, some of you men feel sorry for me, but I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm somewhat proud of the fact that I've never been promiscuous.And with that said, I tend to look for women who feel the same way. That sex is something that's shared with someone you care about, not someone you just met.Back to the story...So "A" brings it up, I respond in kind (see above), and she says "well good, because I was a bit of a party girl before I met you."Well, I figured she was a bit embarassed, and probably had some stories that shouldn't be repeated, and I appreciated her honesty, and forgot about it.Once, while drunk, she did mention that she had had a few threesomes, and had been videotaped, and I cut her off. I blocked it out of my mind (men: honestly, none of you want to hear your girlfriends/wives admit to something like that, agreed?). But again, other than those two instances, I had no reason to ever think anything ill of the girl. I mean she makes me a happy man, she does everything I could ask for, and she's astonishingly beautiful.But she always says, when asked, "I don't regret anything. Everything I've done and have been thru has made me who I am today".Fine, I could agree with that...until tonight.So looking for some paperwork in the closet, I stumbled on a box with about 7 books. Curiosity got the best of me, and I opened one up. I realized it was her journal, and I also realized I should have put it down...but I didn't. Instead, I was greeted with "...and in the past 4 days, I've slept with 4 different people...". That was an entry from 2 months before we met.And I read on, and it got worse. And worse, and before I knew it, I felt like a driver on the freeway, slowing down to witness a brutal accident. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. And I read more, and the mental tally kept rising. 10, 20, 40, 60...I stopped after reading 2 of the books. There were over 100 men.Sure, if she was 65 and spent most of her life single, I could see that happening. Or if she had a lucrative career as a porn starlett, that could happen as well. But we're talking about an average 25 year old, who had only been sexually active for 7 years. And I only read 2 years worth of entries. I could only imagine how many more there were.My first thought? "Go get tested!" But I doubt the clinic is open at 4AM on a Sunday. My second thought "Jesus Christ! How is that even possible?" I mean these weren't boyfriends at all. These were all one-night-stands, and with men whose names were quickly forgotten (as proven by the fact that some entries had things like "...met a blonde guy at the bar, took him home. He was alright, the one from 2 nights ago was much better though, too bad I never got his number."And then I got queasy. I felt like any other guy in my shoes...I was buying the cow and EVERYONE (I can't stress that enough) got the milk for free. I'm a laughing stock. Random men probably pass me in the street when I'm with her and laugh. I must have "Sucker" written all over me.So now what? Do I confront her and let her know how disgusting I think she is for having been with (probably) hundreds of men, because I read her journal? Do I try to forget it even happened and not mention a thing to her? Do I ask her how she can say she has no regrets in life, and ask how having sex with hundreds of men was necessary to "make her who she is today?" (seriously people, isn't that just a huge cop-out?).I still love the girl, I'm just disgusted by her now. And I don't know of any way to hide it so she can't tell. I mean knowing something like this, would you want to have sex with someone like that again, even if you are engaged to them?I'm sure most of the advice will revolve around "pretend it never happened, it was in her past, who are you to judge, blah blah blah", but I'm curious to see what you would do in my position. And an answer from both women and men would be GREATLY appreciated.Until then, I'm going upstairs to try to sleep, next to her, and try not to vomit in my mouth..."J"
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): I think it's a problem that she says she wouldn't change a thing. Knowing how great things are with you now, she doesn't wish she had met you sooner and avoided sex with other men???
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007): During the 3 years between my now wife's divorce and when she met me, she had 10 sexual partners, 3 or 4 of which were men that she had just met and had gone to bed with. She had a need to tell me this early in our relationship, but we could not discuss it easily because she felt bad about those 3 or 4 and I made her feel cheap. We dated for 4 years, lived together for 2 and have been married for 22 years. My upbringing told me that her behavior made her cheap. My mother and aunts would have called her a tramp.
Because I made her feel cheap, she wouldn't allow me to talk to her about it, rightly so. I cried at times alone over the next couple of years and talked myself into saying that she was great. I finally buried my hurt feelings and have lived happy with them buried for about 25 years. I thought of letting go of her early on, but I loved her. From time to time, the bad feelings would resurface and I would insult her in some non-direct sort of way. It was infrequent, like once every few months at first and once every few years later. She accepted that because of our otherwise great life together.
Two months ago, my bad feelings resurfaced. Some days I still have a difficult time, but we can now talk about it. She now says that she had felt cheap years ago about those 3 or 4 men, but that she could not admit it. She now wishes that she had not gone home with them, but no longer feels cheap. She also doesn't care if I feel she was cheap, as long as I only very rarely remind her of it. We have had a great life together. We both think that we have had the best life partner possible.
If you are like me, and I suspect that you will be, you will have many difficult times thinking of this and have many varied emotions. I could have given up on my wife and looked for someone who better met my moral expectations. However, even when I have a recurring episode of sadness about this, the thought that makes me the most sad is to think that I could have left her 20 some years ago. My life without her would have been far worse than any crying and bad thoughts that I had to go through.
Sniff, sniff. Just reading that last statement just made both of us cry at the thought of not being together and to hold each other, but they were tears of happiness over not having made that decision.
Only you can make the decision of what to do next. My decision was the right one. I still cannot accept some of what my wife did and she understands and is willing to talk about if whenever necessary. That is true love.
As to what some men and women have said about it being your problem alone, my wife and I both say - B*LLSH*T. It is both of your responsibilities to work it out together. People who have not gone through a particular situation cannot possibly understand completely.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (28 September 2007):
 "Men are genetically programmed to care about this issue. They are not being immature, they are being male. They did not choose to feel this way, and they often suffer greatly for it. Do not punish them and call them immature for not being female."
This is exactly true. It's absolutely not a choice, but rather a horrible uncontrollable reaction that you really really wish wasn't happening but can't stop. It was the most unpleasant I'd ever felt in my life, and I was desperate to make it stop.
"When a male can learn to accept it, it is not "growing up" as much as settling for a constant sense of deep hurt that will never go away. Not to mention the serious intellectual frustration/anger with himself for it. It's not easy."
I agree with this, although I don't think it is quite as bleak as it sounds. Over time the pain (negative emotions) can get much less frequent and a bit less intense. And you lean the intellectual traps / dead ends you can get yourself into over it, and lean to just not go there. It's certainly not easy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): I just want to add one more comment that when women say it's "immature" and "controlling" and "egotistical" for a guy to have issues with this, they're just being 100% bigoted as far as I'm concerned.
Men are genetically programmed to care about this issue. They are not being immature, they are being male. They did not choose to feel this way, and they often suffer greatly for it. Do not punish them and call them immature for not being female.
When a male can learn to accept it, it is not "growing up" as much as settling for a constant sense of deep hurt that will never go away. Not to mention the serious intellectual frustration/anger with himself for it. It's not easy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): get out while you can there will be emotional damage big time !!!!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I have to question why you felt you were justified in betraying her trust by reading her journal? You don't even show you have great self restraint so why are you on her case about not having it?
It could be she did not think she deserved, wanted, or could even have a long term relationship.
Some men and women prefer the casual sex route in life as it protects them from being hurt.
Reading her journal was something you should not have done. Her past is her past and I'm sure there are things you have done and hide from her that you may not be proud of.
She may not be the same person she was, emotionally/mentally, at the time she was sleeping with other people.
That just says she has different views about sex and possibly standards than you do. So what's the problem? You, for some reason wanted her past to remain the past because you can't tolerate seeing someone other than how you want to paint them. You painted her as more pristine, attributed to her that she was like you in that aspect of her life. She didn't mislead you- she couldn't even tell you her past. You wouldn't allow her to. You didn't give her a real or honest chance to be honest or fair with you.
She should not be to blame for taking your words at face value.
I don't feel sorry for you one bit.
She is a wonderful woman -your words.
She is not you and I am sure that is why you fell in love with her.
Anytime she wanted to show you this was me and this was my past; I'm not that any more - YOU CUT HER OFF. Well that sounds highly insensitive to me and shows you are not emotionally intelligent or mature. I think you have some issues yourself. Why so controlling? Why do you want to control how you will see someone and how to accept them? Insecure, jealous? Hmmm...attached to this is aspect of an abusive personality.
You feel disallusioned and I say-it's more in part your doing. You are doing this to yourself. How did your past relations go about? How long had they last? Who ended it? What were the reasons? Will we see a pattern?
You just aren't fair to her or yourself.
I am impressed that she takes ownership for her choices-not too many people today are strong and wise enough to do that. That speaks alot about her character right there.
She didn't lie to you or mislead you. You set yourself up for this one.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (26 September 2007):
You don't sound like a chump, quite the opposite. Plenty of men couldn't have done what you did. That sounds like it went really really well. It sounded like you handled the situation in an open way and she responded positively as a result.
The key moving forward is, when you find yourself dwelling on it and feeling negative emotions; resist the temptation to blame her for your feelings and the desire to put her down and value her less (either directly to her, or in your mind).
And if you feel the need to let out a torrent of negative words, save it for your therapist.
Best of luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE!
This is so odd. I guess my face couldn't hide it anymore, and she asked "what's wrong?" So I started with the whole "I'm thinking of seeing a psychologist" thing. And this obviously led into a full-fledged conversation about everything.
I decided after reading your responses, and taking the advice of some helpful people from here, that I did need some professional help. That this was essentially my problem to deal with, not someone else's. So I've begun to seek out some help.
And as big of a chump as it makes me sound like to some of you, it was good to talk to her, about all this. I mean I broke down and told her everything. But I explained it all in a way that made her understand: a) I know I'm being irrational, and I know because I'm being irrational, I'm going to exaggerate things in my mind; b) I know this is my problem to deal with; c) I'm sorry if I'm an ass sometimes, and I'm gonna figure this out somehow.
So I talked, and she listened. And we smoked, and she listened. And then she explained to me (drumroll please) that regardless how many men she may have been with, it's me that she wants and loves and is going to marry. That what she did in her past had nothing to do with me and was nothing against me. That my numbers were far more exaggerated than the actual numbers (so maybe 100 was a bit much). That she was a different person, and in a different mindset, and didn't like who she was at the time. And that she wouldn't change a thing about her life, because it led her to me.
So of course the rational side of me is thinking "well, aren't I lucky for having someone understanding? You admitted to invading her privacy, called her a whore, and she still told me she'd love me for life. Wow!"
The irrational side thought "What? You wouldn't change a thing? You would be a whore if you had it to do all over again, knowing that your reputation might bother the man that might marry you one day?!?"
And that's where it was. We talked for about 4 hours. It was great. I mean everything came out. Our sex lives, snooping on each other, my insecurities, her promiscuity. Everything. And it was cathartic.
Don't get me wrong, I still have a problem with certain things, but I understand that: a) regardless what I or anyone else says, does or thinks...the past is the past and there's no changing it; b) these other men had nothing to do with me; c) I have a woman that loves me unconditionally; and d) really, having hate/anger/frustration/jealousy towards someone for something they did before they met you is a bit silly. I mean, if I expect her to go back to sleeping around, because that's the way she was before we met, because obviously the past will dictate the future, then she could feasably expect me to go back to doing drugs. We change, we do things that may not be right. We learn and move on.
Guess I still have a lot to learn about myself though.
Thank you all for your help and support!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): -- First off, I think your case is more complex than a simple "I can't deal with my GF's past!" questions. If I have read your description correctly, then your GF has no regrets about any of it even now. That makes her entire value-structure different from yours. She does not "wish she could take it all back" like with most of these questions, and she would probably still be doing the same thing right now if she wasn't with you. Don't lose sight of that.
-- The sex didn't make her anything that she is today except sexually-experienced. IMHO we grow/learn/develop from a wide range of from relationships. The huge number of sex parters aren't teaching people anything but more advanced f*cking skills.
-- Yeah, don't expect women to understand. They won't, they usually won't even try to. Unbalanced male quirks are not accepted the way unbalanced female quirks are in modern society. It's not fair but that's the way it is. You played "nice guy" in your sexual values and you'll finish last a lot for it.
-- You shouldn't have read the diary in the first place. Everyone (including you, it sounds like) agrees that this was a mistake.
-- Nevertheless, the diary has revealed that the two of you have VERY different sexual habits & beliefs. This is arguably gonna render you unsuitable for a relationship with this woman. You have refrained from something that she has been willing to totally indulge in. It doesn't make her evil or damaged, but it does probably make her a bad match for you in the lifetime sense. It's unfortunate that this came out the way it did, but the facts are the same whether she told you or you discovered it by accident or any other way. The facts are out there now.
-- IMHO you have a right to care about this issue, and don't let anyone tell you it's your "duty" to accept this. It may have been a mistake to allow the issue to be ignored until the relationship was already a major one, but IMHO it is NOT an invalid thing for you to have a relationship-ending problem with. It's your right to care but you should have "outed" the issue up front before the relationship had gone anywhere.
-- If you choose to accept this issue and continue with the relationship, you will HAVE TO accept this aspect of her 100%. No "asterisks" about your acceptance of her over it. Either you accept it or you do not, but her past is not something she can change now even if she wanted to.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (24 September 2007):
I have been in your situation, I know how you are feeling right now. This is a subject that I could possibly write a book on by now, having spent over a year learning about it, going to therapy for it, and talking to many men who have experienced it. I'll try to summarise what I now feel about it, with the benefit of hindsight:- Don't expect most people to be able to empathise with you about this. Firstly, the great majority of women simply won't understand. The comments you have gotten here are the typical reaction. Your feelings are driven my certain male-specific traits that are just different for women. I'm not saying women wouldn't get upset in a parallel situation, rather that the emotions we experience come from a different place (a different set of fears and insecurities). Mostly women will accuse you of being judgmental and a moral hypocrite: both of these things imply that your actions are rational, which they are not. This is not about judgment, it's about an overpowering and uncontrollable emotional reaction. A reaction driven by genetic and cultural programming that is male-specific.I also don't think many men who haven't experienced this really 'get it' either, although you will certainly find you get more sympathy and understanding from them about it, especially those that have experienced real emotional commitment in their lives (quite a few haven't....).- The bad news: this is typically something takes years to get over. Just saying 'the past is the past, get over it' does nothing, there is no magic bullet that will have you wake up the next day feeling ok. I've spoken to many people who've experienced this, I'd say the majority end up breaking up, and the remainder do eventually get it under control but not eliminated entirely. It never goes away fully (I've yet to talk to someone for whom it has), but it can become just background-noise and not something that controls your emotions and behaviour. After such intense pain, that place is like heaven by comparison.- You're going to have to talk about this with her. She'll already be noticing the change in your mood, and wondering why. More importantly, the intensity of the emotions you'll be experiencing are much too strong to keep suppressed. You'll end up damaging yourself. I tried to hold it in and ended up having anxiety attacks and depression because of it. Suppressing this for too will lead you to complete breakdown. You have to let this emotion out or it will rip you apart.- When you talk to her you are going to want to blame her. This is the place men typically go wrong. This is not her fault at all. Really. Really. Really. Yes you are in incredible pain and she appears to be the source of that pain, but she is not. The true source is your relationship with yourself: your own masculine pride and sexual self esteem. Your conflict between the idea that to be successful as a man you should have a woman 'worth' something, and that you are about to marry a woman who does not meet that standard. Your feelings will be screaming at you that she is a manipulative whore who has trapped you, that she has 'had her fun' and now you are having to carry the baggage, that she is worthless and you are worth more, and so on. This is your id desperately trying to offload responsibility for the pain you are experiencing onto someone else: since to admit to that pain would force you to admit to many negative things about yourself... That she really is good enough for you, that you are prepared to love and be with a woman who has had so many other lovers, that you are prepared to 'settle for that', and so on. In short: for you to swallow your pride you have to let go of your pride. Men are built to resist doing that except as a last resort.- My experience of this was life-changing. The intensity of the negative emotions were far greater than anything I'd experienced before. Jealousy, anger, resentment, blame, disgust, hate, pretty much the whole gamut of negative human emotion. Up until that point in my life I'd always believed that rationality 'worked', but I learned that its possible to get so over-taken by emotion that 'rationality and logic breaks down'...- What does that mean? I mean that the emotions are so intense that your brain starts inventing explanations, incorrect ones, yet ones you believe with a passion. You are already showing the signs of this with your 'how I was raised' argument. You will find yourself utterly convinced of something, being able to trace clear logical reasons 'why she is something or other', and yet later, when the emotions have passed you will wonder how the hell you could have ever believed that. The emotions are so strong that they will make you think up is down and black is white if they need to. Do NOT believe your own arguments and logic at this point, your explanations and justifications; I promise you that your head is so scrambled right now that you're going to be wrong. - Be VERY careful about the moral judgment you have described. Men can use 'morality' to control and judge women. A moral judgment is just another way of you saying that you are better than her, that you are worth more than her. That she is a 'slut', and hence less worthy. It's another id / ego trick. Don't fall for it. It's just your subconscious trying to find somewhere to offload its pain: much easier to blame her than to accept your feelings as yours. Don't do it.- Do not force her to 'regret her life'. This is another trick your mind will be playing on you: by doing so you will be forcing her to admit what she did is 'wrong'. This again leads you to an 'I'm better than you' situation. This is the place you must not go, it is a dead end, and a dark one.- Avoid 'triggers'. You'll find that once you are over the initial shock you will relive the shock if you are exposed to something that triggers these feelings. This can be a TV show or magazine article, an advert or web site. Learn your triggers and avoid them. - One last thing, and perhaps the most important, and also the good news. The reason this hurts so much is because you love her. If you weren't in love with her you wouldn't care. In fact, the intensity of the reaction is evidence that you really love her a great deal: the more intense the reaction the greater the love. It is precisely because you love her and are committed to her that the thought of her with other men hurts so much. I found remembering this, and communicating this to my girlfriend, really got us through the toughest moments. Without that we probably wouldn't have made it.For now, don't try to make this go away. Rather accept the full force of the emotion and above all don't try to redirect / blame / exact revenge on her for the pain you are feeling. Own this yourself, and express the full intensity of feelings whilst accepting full personal responsibility for them. Also, you will benefit from activities that help you clear emotion and stress: tai chi works very well for me but you might find sports or another physical activity helps. Don't hold it in, let it out. Don't blame anyone, especially not her. Accept the feelings and yet do not look for reasons for them. Looking for reasons will only lead you to dark places. Emotions do not always need an explanation. They just need to be accepted, owned and expressed and they will eventually fade. If you can do this without damaging your relationship then you will make it through this.Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): I had quite a lot of partners and my man didn't. Strangely he gets a massive turn-on from knowing about the naughtier aspects of my past. I can assure you that it would never reappear into real life, we don't want to share each other in any way and love each other deeply. He tells me that he accepts me for who I am and finds me wonderful. I think he is a rare man and I love him all the more for the way he has embraced my whole essence.
I can tell you that I am a hypocrite, I do not want to know anything at all about his past because it makes me feel sick. We are all different.
I find it interesting that your fiance has kept a diary of these events - what was the point of that? A tally of conquests...hhhmmm. There must be a reason for it. Now that you have read the journal you need to choose what to do. Sometimes in this sort of situation I get a large piece of paper and draw a mind map. Start with the main actions that you could do, write the words in the middle of the paper and draw lines from them with words to map out your feelings and the possible consequences and actions that come from them. It may just clear your head.
One thing that srikes me is you two have had one big difference. For you sex is about emotional intimacy as well as physical pleasure. This is not so true for her, or has not been. Do you think she has been trying to use sex to see if it would make her connect with other people? Maybe she is not ashamed because sex is not dirty and not bad if you are a willing participant with no chance of hurting anyone. Perhaps all she has been doing, is conducting a big experiment. Maybe she now has her answer and she could be totally tired of all that. It may make her the most solid and reliable person you ever meet. It may also mean that she would go and take sex with other people at any time, like taking a sandwich with a different filling. Do you know whether this lifestyle is something that she has finished with. It would be a bit of a shock if she started trying to get you into videos and threesomes as well!
The first think you must decide is whether to tell her about reading the diaries. If it were me I would have to. You need to understand why she did that, what she was trying to achieve and more about her philosophy of life. Then you will need to balance whether you can get past this, whether it is right for you, forgiveness, trust, everything. Relationships worth having are rarely straightforward. I really admire people like you who are so grounded, good, honest men. She has tried to be honest with you. If you don't feel you can continue at least give yourself some time to find out and try to balance what may be a touch of idealism with reality. Absolutely everyone has something that makes them different and her over active sex life may be hers. She is not though, an abusive person, untrustworthy (as far as can be seen) and acoholic, neo-nazi, porn star, alcoholic, gambling addict, unkind etc etc. Face it, if this were the only way she ever let you down (if that is how you see it) wouldn't you be rather blessed? You just have to get through the nausia if you can,which may prove the stumbling block if your feelings are so deeply rooted in the notion of no sex without love that you become allergic to her. That would be rather sad. Couldn't you think of all the men she has known she has chosen me? What a huge compliment.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): hmmm, I'm afraid only one person is unworthy here. And sorry mate, its you.
You are judgemental, you have invaded her privacy and yet you sit there and judge her.
Forget about the writers above who have been conditioned that only good girls get married and bad girls are sluts..etc and , this reasoning is totally out of date and I bet these people have more than a few skeletons in their own sordid closets.
My partner had a vivid sex life and I find it kinky to hear her telling me stories about past loves, hell why not? But maybe thats because I'm not insecure and I accept that we both have a history and I'm so lucky because she's committed to me.
But not for you, everything is about you isnt it, I just hope she can find someone who will respect her for what she is not what she has done in her past.
Please break up with her so she can lead a fulfilling life with an intelligent caring person who is not as self indulgent as you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): Maybe she never met the right guy before you, so if she wanted to have sex it had to be one night stands. You, on the other hand, were in relationships. It may be more partner but not necessarily more sex then you.
You read the journals, it's your problem to put them out of your mind. As hard as it might be just forget them.
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A
female
reader, Emmajane  +, writes (23 September 2007):
 My conduct a couple of years back would have shocked most people. We go through phases. The thing is she's NOT got into trouble and you DID read her diary, something a guy should NEVER do to a girl. So I think it's 1 all and you should move on with her, or without her if you can't handle her past.
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A
male
reader, jm81690  +, writes (23 September 2007):
 If I stumbled upon my girlfriends journal I too wouldprobably read it, its a sleezy thing to do, but curiosity gets the best of us.
So long as she isn't cheating on you, and all the men have been in the past, I think you should just let it go. Any woman that was that sexually active and basically goes cold turkey from one night stands when she meets a guy obviously cares alot about him.
I don't think you should confront her about it though, I mean, even if you do its not going to make anything better.
In all fairness, 1) You didn't want her to tell you about all the men she'd been with, so she really wasn't hiding it, 2) Do you really want her to know you rooted through her journals? Probably not. 3) You can't rightfully get mad at her or w/e because she got around before you guys were a couple, if you do she'll probably get offended, which would just make the whole situation worse.
If I were you I'd just say the hell with it, whats done is done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): Wow 100 a lot, don't think just because she's a woman that's alot. That's alot for a man too and would put me off big time! You say only two months ago she was sleeping around...I really don't know what to tell you, she's obviously one of those people who can sepreate love and sex. Maybe she has a deep hurtful childhood or maybe it's just the way she is.You need to tell her and see what happens then. Chances are though, she might cheat on you.
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A
female
reader, Cupcake +, writes (23 September 2007):
 Honestly, I will not lie.. If my boyfriend had a journal and i had stumbeled across it, I would read it as well. And honestly, that would make me sick to. Nobody likes to know there partner has been with ANYONE else as its an unsettleing thought, however most of us has a past. But over 100!!!!! Thats alot, and truthfully, I would have to let my boyfriend know.. like "listen I was looking for something and I came across a book, I read it, and this is what I found out.. I didnt set out to inavde your privacy, trust me I would have rather not known, but I know now and i would like to discuss this".... I dont think I could ever feel better about it keeping it inside and not telling my partner.. that would eat at me as it would make me sick. Just tell her you came across it, its going to bother you. And I certianly dont blame you for reading the journal at all, were only human and we get curious. Im sure alot of people would they just dont like to admit it.
I wish you the best of luck!
Let me know how everything goes!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): Hi, (ive borrowed a friends account which is why im going to come up as a 40yr old guy) firstly calm down, i was in a simailar situation with my girlfriend a couple of years ago, we like you two were introduced through a mutual friend and got together, we had the how many ex's conversation and she had similar numbers to your fiancee only with women(were gay)alot of which i know. I was freaked out and didnt know how to handle it as id always regarded sex as an important part of a relationship, i spoke to our mutual friend and she said that although my girlfriend had a past she'd setteled with me and the other women she'd slept with were jealous of that, they wanted to know what i had that they didnt! i think you have to look at it the same way, sure she slept around but she stopped when you two got together, if you love her as much as you claim to it really isnt that big a deal, she's going to be way more pissed at you for reading her journal, if your looking for a get out then i guess you've got one. If not take a deep breath and look at the woman you love the answers already in your heart. love x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): So, my advice is the following:
(1) It's a FACT that you have read her journals. you cannot "unread" them.
(2) It seems that what you have read is deeply troubling you and like you say makes you feel disgusted at her
I think it would be unwise of you to "hide" it. It's troubling you enough now. In my experience this stuff is not easily buried, it just festers and gets worse with time.
If I were you I would sit and think about what this relationship means to you and what she means. If you feel you really can survive this then you owe it to her to let her know you know and try and work through it. If you feel that this totally and unalterably changes your view of her I think it would be best for you to call it quits.
If at ALL you feel her past proclivities would cause you to doubt her in teh future give up now... nobody needs that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): Wow, what a shocker....I am surprised that you read her private journal, that seems like a huge breach of trust on your part. I am wondering if she left it lying around hoping that you would read it. I am wondering why you read it, but refused to hear your answer when you asked her about her sexual history. Usually this is something couples talk about early on in their relationship, more like a dating question to see if you want to spend any more time with the person, to see if you are similar or different, and how so.
I am wondering if you had a gut instinct you would not like the answer and went on a mission to find the truth.
A lot of people will tell you it is judgemental to have the feelings that you do about your girlfriend's colorful past, but I won't tell you that. Judgement is very important in selecting a life partner.
If I were you, I would not be able to share my life with someone who obviously has deeper issues and worked them out by sleeping with anonymous men, sometimes every night of the week. This is disgusting behavior. I think it is morally wrong, and psychologically damaging. She obviously can cut herself off from her emotions at the drop of a hat (um belt buckle). That said, if you love this girl and think every thing else about her is great, then it is up to you to work this out with her, and work this out in your head until you can be square with it...if you can't then you have found out more about her and how different you are in your core values. It is these kind of differences that are important to the health and longevity of your relationship with her. I don't think it will work. Don't sound like you are judging her as being wrong or immoral, simply state that you are too different at your very core, and you will never be able to be on the same page with her about alot of things concerning your life together....think about having children with her, what do you want your daughter to be like....a girl learns how to behave around men from her mother.....she learns how to be loved by a man from her father.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): What a can of worms you've opened! it is true that you shouldn't have gone through her things, but realistically,it's something a lot of people would of done. Sometimes temptationis too hard to resist, that's human nature.
I usually make a point of not finding out how many sexual partners a boyfriend has had prior to me because it only makes me feel bad or worry that i won't come up to his previous expectations. Instead I suggest being tested before sleeping together so it never has to become an issue further down the line.
I can understand it being very hard for you to take, because, like me, you are someone who doesn't have one night stands and being with someone who is the opposite can be really difficult.
At the end of the day you have to way up the fact of either accepting them for who've they've been in the past and move on from that and accept that you love them for who they are regardless of the things they did in the past or you have to be honest with yourself and say this is something i can never accept and it will always make me see her differently and you will judge her on it for as long as you are with her then it isn't fair on either of you to stay together.
Give it some time for your thoughts and feelings to settle so you can make a proper descision about how you feel. If you really want to be with her forever and marry her you will have to accept that was who she was, but it isn't how she is anymore and move on and purely focus on what you have now and not who she was before you were together.
It's not something you are going to forget so, in my opinion, it would be a good idea to tell her what you found so you can talk about it. Maybe she'll be able to say why she used to be like that, and by talking about it you'll be able to over come how you are feeling now. The fact that she's settled down with you quite happily is a good sign that she's not that same person she was when she wrote those journals, and out of all those men she's been with, you're the one that's got her hooked and interested in a life that is so much more than one of just night stands. that certainly doesn't make you a sucker. Quite the opposite in fact.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): Hi there hun,
I understand how you feel your look on sex was and I stress WAS different to hers before you met.....
She was looking for love darling but really didn't go about it the right way, I had a friend like that too and believe me all she did in the end was make herself miserable until she met a wonderful man whom she married, She loves you and has proved this to you by moving in with you ......
This is her past and that is where it should stay hun, you took the chance reading her journals and now its up to you how you handle this if you truely love her like you say babes, then forget it please don't let this torture you she is with you now in a long term relationship something she was hoping to happen but she took the wrong road thats all......
Its hard for us to understand if we haven't slept about but it happens and to be honest thats a fact of life!!!!!
It doesn't make her a bad person babes yes, I agree its a lot of men but like she says its made her the person she is today...
I bet deep down she is not proud of it but it has made her realise the man in her life now does love and cherrish her so don't blow it leave it where it belongs in the past hun......
Good luck and I really do hope you can over come this
Donna xx
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female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (23 September 2007):
 first of all, how judgemental are you! you think this women deserves to be judged on her past history when you didn't want to know. she's not lied, been decietful, but you have.
so her past is colourful, big deal, she's not like you and has experienced many sexual counters, but that has not changed her, she's still herself, the same person she was until you invaded her privacy and read her journal!
she derserves better, someone who isn't like you and only worried about yourself.
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