A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Maybe you can help me interpret these remarks made by my Ex-wife. It has bothered me and I know I should just leave it alone but still, I would like to know. When your Ex tells you that their new Man is the best ever (cheating partner turned new BF) at everything, Best at Sex, Better then you are in every way, does it mean he really is? Or is it some womens' way of trying to punish you?If your Ex does little things, like a wife would do, then catches herself and says "I'm sorry, I should've asked you first." Does this mean in her mind that she still regards you as her Husband?When you've found out that her new BF is nothing like the 'Most wonderful man' she described earlier, in fact he has turned down jobs just so he can keep an eye on her and looks like he's now living off of her, can this be the reason now that she avoids even talking about him? (lot of canaries flying around)Does most of the glow and excitement of the Cheating pairs' relationship dissolve once they are discovered? And do Cheating partners in a relationship really believe that they have a chance when they know there is 0% trust? Would a man be able to live with himself if he had sex with the EX-wife, turning the tables around on the Other man?Is there a chance that an Ex-wife could change if she agreed to Individual and Couples' Counselling? And finally, Are there women out there who actually believe that they have done no wrong in terms of cheating? That an Emotional Affair started 4 months before the physical doesn't count? That she didn't love you or stopped loving you a long time ago? These questions DON'T keep me up at nights but it's tought not really knowing the answers, and maybe I never will as my Ex was not one for heart to heart talks, only once did we ever bare ourselves emotionally and told each other how we felt. thanks for reading this, look forward to your input.
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female
reader, Cheeks  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Hey, just wondering how things are going for you? I hope better than when you last posted here. So if you're still around I would love to hear from you. Maybe that you and your children and thier mother have found some balance in life and are doing well...? Well, if I don't hear from you, I'll take it as a sign you have overcome your troubles and have moved on. Which is a very good thing. ok then bye bye=]
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replies to my post. I do still have my kids, i am responsible for them in all aspects. My ex still is with her former cheating partner. This man has said nasty things to me via her cell with txting, i'm pretty sure its when they're drunk. She is going to have to start paying maintenance for our children. she still doesn't ask permission to come pick them up but i'm gonna start enforcing that as well. the only reason i haven't confronted him is becuz i respect my children and wouldn't consider slapping him around with thm around. lol. i bet he would love to be the victim. My ex is not allowed to visit unless he is here. she cannot even come inside, what a very trusting relationship. i asked her "why do you degrade yourself and wait like a dog for him (she lives with her sister an hour away) and you only come to visit with the children when he gets back from work? he comes back for a week after working out of province for a month. she cannot go to family functions cuz he doesn' approve. what a joke. i can't help but to feel pity for the controlling and abusive relationship she finds herself in. but it seems like its what she seems to want. can anybody tell me why a woman would want this? i've treated her good in the past. He's no prize and hes way older then her. fifteen years ago we wre separated for sevral years. i voluntarily wnt to a treatment centre same town as where she lived. She did have history with him. anwyay they were together and as it happnd, his wife was in the same treatment centre. I didn't know who he was at the time but he was there everyday, his wife and i became friends. she told me who he was and that he was seeing some women, my wife, and he was begging, every day, to take him back, that ths woman, my ex, meant nothng to him, that he was just using her. so he lied to her and did evrything to keep her away from my ex visitng me with our children. so, my exs' then bf dumped her, went back with his wife. my wife quickly hookd up with somebdy else until her common law became abusive, then she asked if i could let her stay with me. so i was gld to take my kids back home, but she decided she would stay too, it was agreed to be for only a little while. so it was tense from the start, i never trustd her, but i tried to get her bck on her feet. we got along sometimes and we had our turmoil. they musta connected somehow on facebook about this time last year. they were having an emotional affr at first, then when i exposed them, she was forced to tell me the truth at christmas holidays. needless to say, here i am, healing but still carrying just a fragment of hurt and resentment but thats the last of my feelings. i've been thru the stages of grief. i did not know how much she could outright lie to me and betray our entire family. she has alienated most of her family, and of course mine. she was trying to blame me for all this crap, citing that i never loved her, never acceptd her in my home. but i only tried to protct myself. Idk how this woman can look at herself in the mirror. there is zero trust in their relationship. she txts me when he's not there to tellme how lonely she is. I try to counsel her on the cycles of abuse and stuff like that but i realize it is no use. once he's back from work, she is totally under his control. he does appease her and brings her to visit our kids but shes not allowd to visit alone. i told her she could make an effort to visit mre often, esp since she's not working anymore. I see a lost person, yet i cannot help her, nor should i even think of her own crap she made for herself. I'm not gloating that she's unhappy but deep down there is a part of me that would love to help her, but i guess she has to find out for herself. i told her there is no way she's coming back. that door is closed permanently. i must continue to look aftr myslf now and if she ends up black and blue or ends up in the gutter, that was her decision. she has to live with that. i'm not trying to portray myself as the better person or parent, but i didn't run away and lie and cheat. so why do i still feel compassion towards her and why do i answer her texts when she is feeling lonely for our kids? should i be mre assertive and tell her that she cannot be txting me? most of me thinks it's over and done. I could care less if she fell on her face and learned life's tough lessons, but at the same time i dont' want to have my kids' mother headed to a life of misery and abuse. the reason why i say abuse is that this man's wife did share that he was mentally emotionally and physically abusive. in fact she tried many times to run away. yet he told my ex that he was the victim and she was all things bad. i told my ex and she quickly defended him as someone who was picked on. He has her so convinced he is so good and the best man ever and one who never lies or cheats..etc..My ex denies evry lie he said in the past, how he dumped her, etc. I know shes smarter then that but I guess she is alreay under his control and manipulation. so there she is, waiting like a dog, for her God for hr universe, which is him. I know it'll drive me crazy but less and less it bothers me. time will heal the rest of my pain. I guess I cannot do anything about her situation, evn tho it pains me to see the mother of my kids go thru this and heading for one hell of an abusive relationship.
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A
female
reader, Cheeks +, writes (12 August 2010):
You probably weren't looking for a response from me when you invited more discussion about this. But I was obviously in a hostile mood during my last response and after reading it + your followup, I would like to revise my comment. Instead of immediately putting me on the offensive like last time, this time while I was reading your description of her behavior, I felt immense sadness for all of you. I'm sad for you & your kids, and I even feel sorry for her. I'm certain that she has built-in mechanisms to rationalize any choice she makes. I know my older sister does. She's guilty of a similiar act. She destroyed her family by having an affair with a family friend and by putting him before her kids it cost her the right to be a mother. She was being completely irresponsible (that's putting it nicely), fully distracted by this guy. And the whole time she was totally unremorseful about it. And it was stupid how quickly it fell apart between them. Almost immediately it spun out of control, violence, police, DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA! She wasn't concerned with the confusion, heartache & loss her kids were feeling (& always will) until it was her who was ditched. Once he got a clue that thier relationship was a WAY UNHEALTHY mess he left her and then it was convenient to feel remorseful, if only to drum up sympathy for herself. She ruined her entire life. She had it made, big time. And didn't see (or just didn'r admit) how she did it to herself. She's mentally ill in my opinion and your ex sounds pretty similiar to her with the type of manipulations they employ. Your ex-wife has got know how badly she f*cked up. Be careful of her if she loses the only thing she's got anymore- that dude & shakey relationship they have. I know that once my sister had nothing left to lose & no chance getting any of it back she became the most dangerous person I know simply because she will justify anything in her own mind & will never accept any responsiblity for her actions and will take down anyone around her because she doesn't think she deserves whats happening to her & so she becomes vicious. She's immature, morally stunted & feels entitled & will most likely always be that way. My heart is broken for these kids & the families they had. I just hope your ex isn't so lost to reality as my sister is. I hope that everything works out for you & your situation. goodluck.
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A
female
reader, Cheeks +, writes (12 August 2010):
You probably weren't looking for a response from me when you invited more discussion about this. But I was obviously in a hostile mood during my last response and after reading it + your followup, I would like to revise my cooment. Instead of immediately putting me on the offensive like last time, this time while I was reading your description of her behavior, I felt immense sadness for all of you. I'm sad for you & your kids, and I even feel sorry for her. I'm certain that she has built-in mechanisms to rationalize any choice she makes. I know my older sister does. She's guilty of a similiar act. She destroyed her family by having an affair with a family friend and by putting him before her kids it cost her the right to be a mother. She was being completely irresponsible (that's putting it nicely), fully distracted by this guy. And the whole time she was totally unremorseful about it. And it was stupid how quickly it fell apart between them. Almost immediately it spun out of control, violence, police, DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA! She wasn't concerned with the confusion, heartache & lose her kids were feeling (& always will) until it was her who was ditched. Once he got a clue that thier relationship was WAY UNHEALTHY convenient to drum up sympathy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi: and thanks for answering my post. My kids still live with me and I'm getting my life together. I met a woman and despite each others' previous baggage, we enjoy each others' company. I am starting to notice how many attractive women are out there, my preference is women with great healthy round butts, but I digress. My Ex was still going out of her way to let me know when she's sick. She uses our youngest daughter to visit with her and 'guilts' her into staying with her until her BF, the man she cheated with gets back from out of the province. Apparently, he works in Manitoba, and we are in Alberta. She cannot be bothered to visit our kids, either to not upset him or she wants to look like the faithful devoted mate now. It wouldn't bother me if she moved our of province and I know I shouldn't worry over things I cannot control, but what kind of selfish woman ignores her kids just to please a man? She has not found another job so she hasnt' helped a cent in finances, but she tries to buy stuff for them that they don't really need. This woman is in her late 30s and yet acts like a 14 year old. It bothers me that it bothers me. I know her relationships is headed for some rough days. It's already looking like a controlling relationship. They do belong together, let's hope for their sake, they learn something and grow up because the honeymoon is over and they dont' have their mutual hatred/anger for me to keep their 'so called love' exciting. I invite your responses. and thanks again!
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A
female
reader, Cheeks +, writes (13 July 2010):
She sounds like a manipulative, self-centered, heartless bitch. Let her go, don't listen to her BS, find a nice woman who's honest & won't play such immature, selfish games with peoples hearts. I hope you live in a state where cheatings illegal- because if you do I would say that you should screw her the divorce for acting like such a childish, spoiled rotten little brat. You can't rationalize any of her crap. Anyway you put it or any thing your upset about- she'll turn it around on you or make you second guess yourself. Right? I'm sure that's at least partially true. Keep an eye out for subtle manipulations from her. I'm sure they are everywhere & in everything she does. You should have your own back & don't let her hurt you anymore. Good luck & tell her that she should put her energy into something other than screwing around with your head- prefferable something humbleing like these advice columns.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all your input. the common theme i get is that this woman is cruel and has many demons and for a long time i was the focal point of the sexual abuse and sexual assaults from her childhood and early teens. I know that now as for too long i was her whipping boy, the Scapegoat.
The thing that bugs me is this guy messagng me, he now controls her cell and monitors who she calls and checks on her constantly. He Gloats and Boasts about how my Ex, and yes we do have kids together who live with me will never leave him and only has eyes for him. He's even Bold enough to come to my house when she visits, for five minutes, guess that's her time limit, while he waits for her outside. I feel like I'm in a triangle and they can't wait till i react so they can stand each other, former cheaters turned partners. Its almost as if I'm the reason for them being together, their mutual hatred for me. Go figure!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): I know you have unresolved issues with your ex and that she devastated you with her cheating BUT I think you would be mad to consider taking the cheating, lying slut back into your bed. This woman humiliated you, compared you with her lover and berated you for all that you stand for. Cut this shit out of your life and move on. I love this saying: you deserve what you tolerate. She was Fing around while married to you , she will not stop. Why are you pining and waiting for her. You owe it to yourself to move on, keep minimal contact with her and work towards being indifferent to her. Is she drops dead (sorry this is extreme) say oh shame, then don't bother about her anymore. She is now her lovers problem. I think you may feel vindicated/ justified in sleeping with her on the sly- why put yourself through this. You deserve and you need to start believing it. Sorry I did not answer all your questions. I just wanted to tell you to kick her to the curb and leave her there.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (1 July 2010):
 1. For your ex wife to tell you how great her new man is in bed, well that's just cruel! Even if it were true, there's no reason to share that with the man you used to be married to.
2. Don't know about this question, it's kinda hard to say.
3.Yes. It's better not to mention the new b/f when he turns out to be a toad.
4. Yes. They sometimes thing it'll work out (sometimes it actually does) but not always.
5. You might be able to live with yourself, it's hard to say. Only you know the answer to that one.
6. Yes people change and couples counseling would help if both parties are willing to try again.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2010): women say stuff for emotional reasons that don't mean anything. you have to stop analysing this in a logical way. if you and you ex-wife have never really communicated go find someone else. it'll take you a long while to work through the trust isuues no matter what path you seek.
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