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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have serious problems letting go of a guy, who I know (rationally) was a jerk! But I love him so much, and I feel bad all the time. I mean, he was jealous of my past, and because of that, he called me names and was verbally/emotionally abusive to me. Yet, I still see him as a good person and wish things would've been different. We connected in every way! We had so much in common, and not just trivial stuff, but important stuff, the stuff that relationships are built on. Except for trust, 'cause he didn't trust me.I don't know how to let go. The thought of him replacing me with someone else kills me! Again, as things finished, he made it seem like I'm the bad one here. He knows my friends don't like him and that my friends talk me out of reconciling with him, he knows they are saying bad stuff about him and he hates them, he tells me I should tell them to stop and defend him because of his privacy. He says I'm a bad person for letting them talk like that about him. He says I'm a bad person for hanging out with people like them.I don't know how to let go. We broke up like 2 months ago, and cutting contact has been very difficult for both of us. I always feel this emptiness inside me, like I need him. But I know he was a jerk. that's the problem, I know he was a jerk, but I don't FEEL he was a jerk. It doesn't sink in, to me he's still he sweet guy I fell in love with.Help. How can I stop caring about him? About what he does? About if he gets a new girl? How can I move on? How can I not feel guilty if I start meeting new guys and such?Sometimes when I meet a new guy or feel attracted to another guy I feel guilty and feel as if I was cheating on him, which is crazy since we're not together anymore!
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female
reader, darkeyedgirl  +, writes (1 July 2010):
Also, just in terms of advice on what you can actively do, I found it helped when I looked back and did a little role reversal. Look at the situation and what you would have done if you were him and see what according to your own morals and ethics you would have hoped to expect from him. When my jerk boyfriend cheated on me and told me about it I cried the entire night. and he watched. And the next night? He was at a party. In the end he ditched me a few weeks later for being "dramatic." I kicked myself for ages for driving away someone I loved with these runaway emotions. But when I looked back I had the epiphany that no, if I ever made anyone I loved cry for the whole night there is absolutely NO way I would have been at a party the next night.It's not fair for you to always be giving and understanding and striving to be an incredible partner when they don't pull their weight. Relationships aren't charity.
A
female
reader, darkeyedgirl +, writes (1 July 2010):
You say that you know him and see the good in him. One of the hard parts of being the kind of good person who has trouble being angry with things and people they understand is that it makes it difficult to set up boundaries.It is never, NEVER ok to abuse someone verbally or emotionally. PERIOD. No one who loves anyone would want to cause them the pain of that.You need to love yourself enough to establish these boundaries and demand yourself a little respect. You need to put your well being first.I had the same trouble when I was broken up with by someone who treated me badly. I gave him so much understanding and always tried to see that he only treated me whatever way because of such and such. But at the end of the day? The guy was just a jerk.Trust me, this feeling will wear off. Just give it a few more months;)
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