A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a question for any men that happen to read this. Why do some guys tell every single woman they are involved with the same exact lines, the same exact stories, and act the same way? I recently got in touch with three of my boyfriend's ex girlfriends, and they all told me how he acted with them and what he told them as far as his feelings were concerned. He told all of us that we were where he was meant to be, that he loved us, and that he wanted to have a life with us. The only difference it seems is that when he told me he wanted me to be his wife he was crying. Why are some men like that? What is he doing? I don't understand...I have meant every single word that I've said to him, and now I feel like he's just been using the same routine with everyone just to see who sticks around the longest. It doesn't work out in the end, he walks away, and onto the next. Seriously? I can't believe him anymore when he tells me he loves me or that I mean the world to him because he's said it to god knows how many other women, and hurt them all too. It's hard for me to feel like I matter when he made all the others feel like they mattered too. Should I be expecting him to dump me soon considering that seems to be his pattern? We took a break for three weeks and he came crawling back. He told me that he knew I was what he wanted because he's never gone back to anyone before. The other ladies confirmed that too...he's never gone back to any of them. I am so angry at him right now, and I feel betrayed and lied to. I feel like this whole relationship has been fake from the beginning. How I got in touch with his other girlfriends...I made an ad on Craigslist looking for other women who wanted to join me and a friend in a knitting circle. A couple women responded. After a few meetings, we were talking about our partners and I mentioned my boyfriend. One of the women said she dated a man with the same name. I jokingly said wouldn't it be funny if his last name was T_____. She looked at me funny, and asked me how old he was. I told her. She asked where he lived. I told her that too. She asked a couple other questions and I started to feel a little weird. Turns out she dated him too, and she was friends with another girl he dated. So we emailed each other for a couple days and I wanted to throw up. I told him what happened, and at least he had the courtesy to blush. He told me that those women mattered to him at the time, but he was younger and didn't know what he wanted, and he was guilty of wearing his heart on his sleeve. He said with me it was different (don't know how many other women he gave that line to either) and that he was honest with me from the beginning about how he felt (again, something that can just be said and not meant). So what should I do? I'm so confused, I'm hurt, and I feel like our relationship has just been a routine to him. Are men really that dumb and this is how they go through life and relationship?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 November 2011):
 You're not the exact same woman. Why do you have to twist it into a negative meaning? You're not the exact same woman, but maybe he does or says similar things (that sound similar to YOU, but you need to realize that not having been those other women you do not know how he actually treated them). However why does his actions have to mean something about YOU? They don't! That's what I'm trying to say here, his actions say something about HIM, about how HE feels.
If you stubbornly refuse to see that this doesn't have to be a negative thing then you are carrying this on because you don't want his love. You are scared to be happy, and you are scared to accept that he loves you. So you try to come up with excuses for why you can ridicule his feelings and make his feelings, and his actions, meaningless. That is, to be honest, really mean. Who gave you the right to tell him what he truly feels for you or not? You don't have that right.
You don't like the fact that he's loved before, and you want to be special special. Just accept the fact that each human IS special, but that his expressions of love can still stay the same. If he loved them, and now loves you, then why woukdn't his actions be the same??
I see women on here all the time complaining about how their boyfriend or husband treated their ex different from them, and it makes them mad as hell and jealous, because they feel inferior because of this difference. So no, being treated different from the ex doesn't make you happy all the time. Being treated the same, when it comes to this, just tells me that HE IS THE SAME PERSON, so he will DO THE SAME THINGS. It's about HIM, not YOU. He is the same person, therefor he does the same things and says the same things.
You want him to be someone else, someone he's not. Be careful what you wish for. And I do hope you aren't telling him any of this, because it is disrespectful of you to ridicule his emotions. Imagine if he did the same to you. Accept that he loves you and work on your self esteem if there is something there that prevents you from accepting his love and appreciating it. There's just no pleasing you when you carry on this logic.
Imagine if you dated an idiot who cheated on you and was a prick. Then you met his exes and they all said he was an idiot to them to and cheated on them to. What, according to your logic he only did that because YOU deserved it. If the idiot had met someone "special" he'd act different with her. Or, would you not rather say: "the man was obviously an idiot because he is an idiot, and not because of anything I did, and I didn't deserve that!"?
People don't change for someone else other than themselves. Just the same your boyfriend is a loving guy who expresses his love in his way, and you want him to not do it because you want to be "special". You can't change a man! And I think you should be happy your boyfriend expressed love rather than being an idiot to all of his exes. You are special and unique by virtue of yourself, his actions do not tell anything about YOU, but about himself and his love for you and how he acts and who he is. Be happy he did the same to his exes, because then you know for sure he isn't putting on an act. I'd be far more worried if the exes told you he used to cheat and be cruel, because you can betcha, people don't change, and it wouldn't be long before he'd turn his nasty side to you as well.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2011): May I offer a suggestion? If you REALLY want to know whether he truly loves you from his heart then try this:
Pick an appropriate time, inform him in advance that there is something very important you want to ask him soon. Set the date & confirm with him. When that day comes, make sure that you both are completely alone. When you both are in that moment of mutual solitude ask him this question, Jowblow (call him by name, not darling, honey or sweetheart. Remind him of his humanity.) 'Do you love me?'
Whatever answer he gives whether directly or indirectly repeat that question again when he finishes answering. Pay attention to his response when asked that same question the second time. When he's done responding repeat that question the last time. This time you ask the question with your eyes looking intently into his. The last response will be the TRUTH. You will know how he truly feels for you not by his answers but how he has answered them. If he fumbles in his answers, then you know he's not ready for you & needs time to become grow up & be a man. If he makes fun of you for repeating the same question three times, then he take your emotions lightly, meaning he doesn't care what you feel for him. If he responds with scorn, he's concerned more about himself then wanting to connect with you. If his response is full or contains self justifications, he's actually making himself better than you. If he gives cocksure replies, then he's obviously lying because he doesn't know why he's been asked in the first place.
However, if his response contains no, stumbling of thoughts, cocksure replies, self justifications, scorn or emotional insensivities but a humble request for you to make a decision to stay or leave him, then that is your confirmation of his love for you in his heart.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (25 November 2011):
 If you honestly feel like you cant handle his past/behavior then you guys cant work this out amicably because in your mind you will always be judging him based on what he has done in his prior relationships.
He has a past and unfortunately he told them all the same things he told you... but its his past. Noone can change it.
Can you find it in yourself to forgive him? if you cant handle the truth however painful it is let him go and find someone who does not treat you in the way you feel you have been mistreated by him.
His past is his past, he is the way he is, either accept it or move beyond this turmoil for both your sakes.
I hope this helps!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what everyone is saying...it's in his actions. And yes, his actions show me that he loves me. But he did the same actions with countless others. I don't know, it just seems like it's mechanical now. I know what he wants in life, and it just seems like he's going through the motions that he knows keep women around. I really do appreciate him, and I love him. I just feel like an idiot because I felt like I really made a difference for him, and that he truly appreciated me too. But how can he truly appreciate me when he's done the same things and said the same things to others? We all can't be the same exact woman over and over again. It's almost like he has a checklist. Be understanding...check. Be affectionate...check. Be loving...check. Go out of the way for your partner...check. Say things that make them feel special...check. Do things to show appreciation...check. It almost seems routine to me. We took a break for a month and I know he was seeing someone else during that time, maybe to occupy himself, maybe to see what else was out there. But I saw his text log with her after we got back together (yes, I was snooping) and from her reaction after he told her it was over was the same as mine would have been. If he was just screwing around with her and loved me during that time, then why would he say the same things to her, and he was only with her for a couple weeks. That's what I'm talking about, how he tends to jump from one woman to another and does his routine over and over until he finally finds someone that he can tolerate long enough. I know he wants to get married. I know he wants babies. But seriously, you can't bounce from one woman to another and treat them all the same and when the current one finds that out, you can't expect her to think you're being sincere, since he's talked about marriage and having a family with all the others too, and led them to believe he was serious. Obviously he wasn't serious because he dumped every single one of them. None of them dumped him. Maybe I'm just naive, maybe I don't understand men or how relationships work. I always thought that if you talked about getting married and having children, you saw a future with that person. How can someone see a future with 20 women.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 November 2011):
PS. I thought of something additional. If you are dealing with one of these men that don't know themselves well, and use the word "love" without knowing the meaning, there will be other signs. Such as what Cindy said, love is shown in action, not in words. So look at his actions to see the truth. I will also ask how long have you been together before he said he loves you, and how often does he say it? If he said it after mere weeks, and repeats it each time he says bye to you, then he is using it as a phrase, without meaning (the classic, "Love you, Bye!").
Let time be the test of his love for you. Watch his actions through time. If he shows love after an entire year of saying he loves you, then you know it is true. Here's a good article for you to read:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-you-can-tell-someone-loves-you.html
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 November 2011):
Why is it so hard to understand that some people have big enough hearts to love again and again and again? Just because he also loved his exes doesn't mean he can't love you. Just because he loved them doesn't mean his love was fake, or that it is a line he used. He genuinely loved them, but they broke up and then he met someone new and loved them too. What's the problem? The man has emotions, the man gets attached. Be happy about it.
Just because he was serious with them though doesn't mean the relationship could last. I don't know how many times I've said it, but a relationship can not survive on love alone. He might have been very honest, and loved them very much, but other factors played in and the relationship couldn't last. He then had to let the love go (yes, love can die!) and fall in love again with someone new.
Just because he has a big heart and can love again doesn't mean he's faking it. Those other women did matter, back then. Now you are the one who matters, and only life and time can show you if him and you can last. But whether or not you last depends on how you and him work together as a couple, and not on his love for you. He can love you sincerely and 100 percent and the relationship can still fail.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): If you want someone to be special to you then BE special for them. As the other anon pointed out, don't make big demands if you cannot meet demands on an equal scale yourself. If I bonk random women, ex girlfriends & yet insist that I must & should marry a virgin is just the same as a woman who's allowed her nakedness to be uncovered carelessly by men & yet insists that she is still worthy of respect, honor & loyalty from them. Can you see the injustice to virtue & the hypocracy of such an ethic? What gives true value to a man-woman relationship is the EXCLUSIVITY of their intimacy. Regretfully most of us learn this the hard way. Being a virgin or saving ourselves for marriage should NEVER be about us. We live as virgins FOR those who truly desire to HONOR & spend the rest of their lives with us in marriage. A woman saves herself so that when she offers her virtue to her husband, she ACTUALLY confirms where he truly stands in her heart, the one & only. A man saves himself for a woman so that in those intimate moments every look of desire, every tender word spoken & every embrace belongs to her & her alone beacuse it was saved especially for her from the start. If we remove virtue from man-woman relationships, by what other standard can we use to determine if the love we have for each other is truly EXCLUSIVE? I leave that for you to judge.
We all had that opportunity to be virtuos for that honorable person somewhere but we gave it up. We rather be corrections of somebodys' marriage failures & bad relationships instead of being their initial right choice. You cannot expect previlidges from a man who made you stand in a cue. Neither can you make a man you love previlidged if he is in your cue.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 In a way I can see where you are coming from,I too think that for certain words to mean anything you have to use them sparingly .If you love everybody...you probably can't really love anybody. In acting school they were always insisting on the difference between feeling things and just "emoting " them, and I am wary like you of people who are always "emoting ".
But, that's me. And you. Other people may be different. Unfiltered . The very moment they feel something ( or think they feel something ) they need to dress it with words and blurt it out, without giving themselves time to let it " decant ", to see if it's deep, if it is real, if it lasts.
Your bf has been obviously rather liberal with his love declarations, but that may simply mean that he is impulsive and superficial, not necessarily that he's a callous player who feeds lines to all his "victims".
Here at Dear Cupid, we are inundated by 16 y.o. girls who write : I love him, I can't live without him, he's the guy I want spend my life with...Stats teach us that only a tiny percentage of them will be with the same guy 10, 5, or even TWO years later . Normally in a few months they'll be with a new guy and " loving " him the same. But what does it mean, that these girls LIE to their boyfriends, that they scam them? Not at all. They just are in the moment. In that moment, they get caught with emotions which are verbalized in a certain way.
My advice , as usual, is , mind what he DOES , not what he says. Love is an ACTION. It's how you act toward the other persons. Does he respect you, is he faithful, is he caring, does he understand you, does he make time for you, does he support your goals etc. etc ?. Then he loves you. In fact , he loves YOU ( as opposed to the other women for whom he does not or did not do the same ).
With or without words.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anon...if you were in a relationship, and you found out your girlfriend told her past 5 boyfriends that they were the most amazing people they've ever met, that she felt so close to them, and that she never felt like that about anyone before, and then came to you and said the same things, would you believe her? Wouldn't you think she threw around the word "love" a little too loosely? I feel like he's said everything he has because he knows that's what women want to hear.
The woman in my knitting circle pretty much repeated back to me every single thing my boyfriend has ever said to me. "You are the greatest thing that's ever happened to me" "anyone else would be a disappointment after you" "I want to spend my life with you" "You mean the world to me" "I have never loved anyone the same as I love you". I am not exaggerating.
No, I don't suspect I'm the first person that he's ever had strong feelings for. If it was a couple women that he had this trend with I wouldn't have much to say. But he has quite an extensive dating history. Those three exes that I got in touch with were only the tip of the iceberg...I know how many women he's dated because he's been honest with me about that, and I also know how many he's slept with and it's triple my number, and I was no saint in college. So that's the reason I'm so upset, not because he loved before me, but because he threw the word and the sentiments around like they had no meaning.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 So I suppose you've never had a boyfriend before him, you've never cared about anything before him, and you've never acted naturally (like being yourself and showing your true personality) around any other guy before?
And you expect him to act DIFFERENTLY than his own innate personality, even though I'm sure you've dated at least one other person before in the past, you're almost 30 now and it'd be pretty rare to see a woman your age as NEVER having a relationship before this one before.
You have a double standard for him. It's unrealistic. Check yourself.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (24 November 2011):
I personally think you should find it in your heart to forgive him if you truly like him enough.
Why do i say that ? because this all was in his PAST. Like he says he was younger maybe he was smitten with these women, but times have changed, he's with you NOW, he's come back to you, he's talking about making you his WIFE and CRIED over it.
He sounds sincere enough to me.
We've all done things in our past that make us cringe... I know i have. Maybe this was his cringeworthy moment in his life. Can you forgive him?
Its probably a good idea to not talk to his ex's either as that will only remind you of his link to them more.
If he truly means something to you, put your jealousy aside and forgive him. It was his PAST. He hasnt treated you at all bad now has he?
I hope this helps!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): I hear what you're saying but I don't see what is so "wrong" or "dumb" or "fake" about it. Were you expecting to be the first girl that this guy ever felt strong feelings for? Maybe he described it the same way because that is how he describes his feelings. In general, don't you have certain phrases and words that you use to describe yourself more often than others? Your personality, etc? I don't think you would use those descriptions telling one person and then never want to use them again talking to anyone else after that because they are already used once. Maybe I am being too hard on you but it sounds like you want him to never have felt strongly for anyone else before or else it cheapens your relationship with him. It reminds me of when guys want a girl to have never done sexual things with someone else before or it cheapens what they have with the girl somehow.
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