A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend, 30:Pros: Buys me flowers. Cooks dinners time to time. Helps clean house, dishes, tends the yard. Tells me I'm beautiful almost every day and that he loves me. Always calls me. Wants marriage, babies, the works with me. Good looking. He's a hard worker. Loves his mom, loves my mom. Sex is great. Always wants to spend time with me. Cons: Battling a coke habit (will disappear at night once in a while-on average two nights a month, no phone call till the next day).He's coming out of a long life of bad choices and trying his hardest to change. He's stopped smoking pot after 18 years of chronic smoking. Smokes cigs and drinks avg. 4 beers a day. All his money goes to court payments and lawyers for trouble he got into over the years.It's hard for me to come to him when I have a problem and want to talk about it, he hates talking and gets defensive and we end up fighting and nothing is resolved. Has BAD wandering eye (stares at other girls' asses in front of me). Went to strip club last month and lied about it. He used to say vulgar, disgusting comments about other women to me, which chipped away at my self-esteem, but since I made a big deal of it, he does it less. He's cocky and I am humble. I do not do any drugs, but I'm not perfect either. Me: 25,Trying to focus on school and being a happy person, and want to work on myself and my issues, but don't want to lose him, or do i?I know nobody's perfect, but am I settling? Aren't all his great qualities what girls would kill for? But the bad stuff I put up with is so hurtful and stressful. He says I am why he wants to change. If I leave, will that really destroy his potential? I was raised very conservative, so already, I have allowed many things beyond my boundaries and standards. Is it true, once an addict always an addict? And with the strip club and Hooters - Men are visual, women are emotional. Since I am emotionaly faithful to him, shouldn't he be visually faithful to me? Since I only go to him for emotional fulfillment and no other man, shouldn't he only come to me for visual fulfillment? Is desirable exclusiveness a fairy tale? How many women would stay?
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female
reader, charmed16 +, writes (3 October 2009):
 I was in the same dillema when I was your age, I stayed, took way TOO MUCH ABUSE, MY SELF-ESTEEM was BAD! I did have two wonderful sons (that he sexually abused) before I could get him out of the house. BY THEN, I JUST WANTED HIM OUT!!!!! My sons WERE worth everything, however I HAVE NOT LEARNED, MARRIED TWICE MORE & STILL STRUGGLING OVER GETTING AWAY FROM AN IRRESPONSIBLE MAN (because he has good qualities)! After reading what I just wrote, I answered MY OWN QUESTION! IF WE HAVE TO ASK IF IT IS WORTH IT, WE DO NOT WANT TO BE THERE! WE ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO OPEN THE GATE AND LET US OUT! SO YES, RUN!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): I read your question and honestly that's where I was 4 years ago. RUN RUN RUN. I stayed, I had the baby. I worked for years helping him overcome addictions and he let me. All the while drinking and doing drugs behind my back while appearing to go through the motions of working together. The addictions escalated. His control disintegrated. He was jailed for domestic violence. He did his time and has been arrested again for criminal harrassment. My child is stuck with this father forever. He is a pawn that his father uses to tie me to him. Addictions aren't a matter of will power, it is a disease. My partner didn't want to be addicted, but it had control of him. Serious help is needed. Once the addiction is kicked, they are at risk for the next five years. What I learned was that as long a person relies on a substance, they are unable to love you no matter how much they may want to. The first love will always be the substance, and they will protect that love at all costs....even with violence. I watched the man I love slowly disappear over time and it didn't matter what I did. He could only save himself. The problem was, he couldn't see the man he COULD be. You cannot base a relationship on what a man COULD be. I may never be free of this man....YOU have a chance. Please don't risk having a baby. My child is sentenced to a lifetime with a father who will probably be in and out of jail for the rest of his life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Why is it people always say? Get used too it, your guy always gonna eye up some woman in front of you. Well you shouldn't, its disrespect and yeah sure, looks are fine but STARING and making it really obvious are wrong, and going to strip clubs?? big no no, asking for trouble there. AND saying comments about those women too you?
Lay down the law, if he dosen't follow then threaten to dump him. Still dosen't clean up his act, dump him
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (7 May 2008):
 two nights a month does not in my mind constitute an addiction to coke-its a big waste of money and has law risk issues but in reality that is just a habit or choice of behaviour pattern.
the idea that addictions of any kind are unsolvable diseases is common nowadays but its horsecrap. if he wants to do coke he phones up dealers, gets with friends and chooses to do it.
wandering eye and chipping esteem directed comments i would consider far more worrying. also if he claims his good behaviours are the result of being with you, how do you know he's not just faking them to impress you. i find the idea that you need to stay with him because he might go bad again a little manipulative, and it suggests that once your in the bag all the old habits might revert.
if his values conflict with you on many levels its a bad sign irrelevant of feelings currently as this will resurface in every issue/decision for years to come (also you sound like your going to have a far more promising future than him)
ultimately its your choice but you know what they say about leopards and spots...
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A
male
reader, davie  +, writes (7 May 2008):
You're right in that no one is perfect. You need to work out whether or not you can live with his bad qualities and what your limitations are. Is he doing anything about them or will they be permenant? What things would need to change for you to feel more secure?
If he's reformed you can't hold anything against him for his money going into court payments. Does he have a plan to get over his coke habit? The cigarettes and alcohol could be what get him through not having coke so giving them up might make that harder.
Unfortunately I think most guys have a wandering eye, but for many all that is wandering is just that, the eye!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): He seems like such a nice guy, but with a few 'bad' qualities too.. but like everyone! Everyone has good and bad. It's just his bad are more threatening to his health or to you. Personally, I think you should tell him you need a break while he sorts himself out, because you're finding it hard to be with him at the moment. Let him know you still love him, but just feel he should sort himself out. You could also point out that if he wants babies, you can't bring them up in a home with a coke user, smoker and drinker. Maybe that will give him the kick up the backside that he needs to get moving and sort a few problems. Hope everything goes well :]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): You lost me at coke problem- do not stay with this man, unless he is actively working to overcome his coke addiction and is commited to change then his life is going nowhere. Trust me, I dated a guy who was into heavy drugs and we tried to make it work but I found out that he was stealing from me to feed his habit. Drug addicts do not care about anything more than they care about getting high. I hate to say it, but you can pretty much never trust a drug addict. He will never be able to give you the love that you deserve and you cannot depend on him or trust him so long as he is doing these drugs.
As for the rest of it- his wandering eye is the least of your problems, hun. It sounds like he has a basic lack of respect for you. Any guy can clean dishes, cook dinner, and say that you're beautiful. Don't let your perception of him be obscured by some pretty flowers- you need a stable man that you can trust if you want to get married to him.
Also: did you say that he "hates talking"? You really want to settle down with a man who refuses to help you with your problems and doesn't like to talk to you? The "pros" are so minor compared to the "cons"- you ARE settling hun for a man who clearly doesn't think you're the most beautiful woman in the world (come on, making lewd comments about other women? really? A bit immature).
It is reasonable for you to expect him to not look at other women, not all men are so "visual" that they can't stop staring at women's asses and paying women to take off their clothes for them. The visual stuff is, as I said, the least of your problems, however...
You are young and you do not need to get stuck with an emotionally immature, drug-addicted man who needs to be told that commenting on other women's bodies makes you feel inadequate (isn't that a given? I've never had a man do anything like that to me, I find it pathetic that he needed to be told not to!)... Take some time to reassess your future, where you see HIS future going, and where you want to be. Can he take you where you want to go? Does he make you feel happy? Does he make you feel beautiful, respected, and special? Will he stop taking drugs altogether?
If I were you, I would have to leave, because I would have a hard time respecting myself for putting up with that sort of crap. Drugs, strip clubs, degrading comments, yikes. You're worth so much more than this.
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