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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello,I've been posting about my boyfriend not being able to cope with my past. Recently, he had broken up with me, today we got back together. Please, help me help him.When I went to talk with him today, at first, he didn't wanna see me. However, he agreed to talk. I started asking what had I done wrong. He said nothing. I started crying as I didn't understand what had gone wrong. He said it was his problem, it wasn't my fault, that I was a good person but that it hadn't worked out. Then he started crying because he doesn't know what to do.He says he loves me and believes I'm the one, but that he just can't cope with my past. That I have everything he could've asked for, he knows I'm a great girl just perfect for him, but that somehow he can't handle my past. He said that when we're broken up, he's calm, but he doesn't feel better, he's just like numb and he misses me. That when he's with me, if my past arises, he feels bad, but that when we're OK, he wouldn't trade anything in the world for those moments.I believe he's sincere. He wants to be with me, however, he wants me to help him get through this. I don't know how to help him. I understand that a lot of this insecurity and his trust issues stem from his abusive childhood (his father abused and abandoned him), and his cheating ex girlfriends. I think he's afraid of being hurt, especially by those he loves the most.He talked a bit about this to one of his friends (note: he never speaks about this with ANYONE, to avoid shame and everything... he doesn't like talking about personal issues). He told him he knew he was wrong for being jealous over things in my past, but that he couldn't help it. His friend said: she's pretty, smart, shares your same interests, you two get along... what else do you want? So that kind of made my boyfriend react.However, he still gets mad about some stuff. He says he can't trust me based on what I did in the past. I had meaningless sexual contact. I was flirty with some guys. I made mistakes... but it's a bit extreme, this jealousy of his. He even gets jealous and says he can't trust me because ONCE, years ago, I played spin the bottle at this party and gave a PECK to one of my friends (I was single back then, I didn't even know my boyfriend then). He says he can't trust me if I do that at parties.He knows I'm great, but he says I have to earn his trust. He says he can't handle my past, but that he doesn't wanna lose me. That I have to help him overcome this. My question is, how?
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ex girlfriend, flirt, got back together, jealous Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (7 May 2008):
 Regrettably, this is one of the most common issues raised on here. When I was 20 I was really cut up about my girlfriend of the time's past sexual experience. I realise now I was unreasonable, and yet at the time it tormented me terribly.
I don't know what your past sexual activities were, but they don't sound terribly grave, just normal teenage stuff. Unfortunately a lot of young men come into early relationships with very romantic notions about their girlfriend. I wish some rock band would put out a romantic song about a young guy who loves his girl despite her little adventures in the past. It might be an antidote to some of the ideas that young guys get stuck in their minds.
To see what other people have posted and said, do a search of "Dear Cupid" (search box up the top) on "her past" or "her history". There is so much out there, from the serious to the trivial. So welcome to the club!
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (7 May 2008):
 if he is incapable of trust, and trust is the fundamental basis of a relationship, then he is incapable of forming a normal relationship.
if anyone is doing the dumping for the sake of their future wellbeing it should be you dumping him as this may never progress into anything with a commited structure and real love.
the answer is that you can't help him and if his coping skills are so lacking this could never be a good thing longterm. how is he going to deal with anything life throws at him?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): If your BF is getting upset about kissing or making out a little, then I really do think he needs to deal with it. Most guys these days are walking around knowing their GF or wife has had wild sex with numerous other guys, nevermind some minor teenage stuff.
But do try to realize the hurt he's feeling even thogh you may not understand it yourself. Having issues about your partner's past is just a male/female difference. Males care a lot more than females do on average.
Men don't choose to care about it. Most of us would give ANYTHING to be able to get rid of these feelings. We're not stupid, we already know these feelings are not really justified or helping anything.
It's not as if us guys ENJOY feeling a hot knife twisting in our gut and filling us with horrible sadness about our beloved GF every time we can't totally block the past out of our minds. But natural programming doesn't come with an off switch. It just hurts every day and never goes away.
Knowing that it's not reasonable & fair & logical does not help. It just means we get to feel guilty for having all this emotional hurt too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Sure what you have done is in the past but what you did represents who you are, your values and beliefs. So you have to understand that if your actions in the past give off the impression you are flirty, kiss and have sex with random guys...well maybe thats what is giving him doubts. So it might not all be about a fear that you will cheat on him, he could be questioning who you are. Is your bf rather conservative? From what you wrote it seems to me maybe he is. Perhaps to him the game of spin the bottle isnt right as maybe he beleives you should only kiss your partner.If thats how he feels then thats ok. You have to accept his values and beleifs. If his differ from yours them maybe you two werent meant to be together. I know you said you both get along great nad have common interests etc and are in love...but that might not be enough to make a relationship work. What I think is one of the key factors to make a relationship work is having common beliefs and values. From what you have said I get the feeling you two do not.
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A
female
reader, Aeval +, writes (7 May 2008):
 Hello....
I think your boyfriend sounds very insecure and childish to be honest. My biggest concern is this
"He knows I'm great, but he says I have to earn his trust. He says he can't handle my past, but that he doesn't wanna lose me. That I have to help him overcome this"
How did you loose his trust?? You have done nothing worng. I know it hurts now but walk away from him, he is setting you up for an emotionally abusive relationship. Its already started. You have not done a thing wrong and yet you already are desperate to win him back and will do whatever he wants.
Your right, you sound like a smart woman with loads going for her, everyone has a past. I suggest you let this one go and find someone who will respect every aspect of you.
My partner know about my past (which at some stages was a little wild) and he is fine with it, everything that you have done in your past has made you the person you are today.
Good luck and please don't let this man try to make you feel bad any more
xx
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