A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together exclusively for 6 months this week. We have been seeing each other for about 9 though.About a month and a half into our relationship, I had sex with an old friend of mine; I cheated on him. My boyfriend does not know this. My friend and I have a history and I went to just hang out with him, I had no intentions of hooking up with him, but things got a little out of control and well, it happened.This was also a time in my relationship when my boyfriend was going out constantly without me and getting really drunk without me.... which made me feel uncomfortable, so I think somewhere inside of me through all these months I felt justified... but now, I think I'm able to truly see through my justification as it is just me being ridiculous. He has been so afraid of getting hurt in a relationship because he has been screwed over before, as he says.We do not say "I love you" and I don't think to begin with I ever thought I would say that to him, I figured this was a relationship that would be in between my last and my next. I started seeing my boyfriend almost immediately after I ended a pretty serious 2 year long relationship... I don't think I was officially single for more than a few days...I think I'm beginning to fall hard core for this kid, like I think we are both getting pretty close to exchanging our "I love you's" and really meaning it... at least I know I really deeply truly care for him.I don't know if I should tell him what I have done, because I may lose him, or just continue to go on my path of not telling him.I think it's also been eating at me lately because my boyfriend found out over the weekend that I had hooked up with this guy in my past... and he was pretty bothered by that, but he doesn't know it was as recent as in our relationship... He also told me that his much older bother's now wife, cheated on his brother before they got married...so I'm not sure what i should do, I don't want to lose him, but I also feel like it's not up to me to decide how he feels about the issue.... Again, I also feel like I really didn't walk into the relationship as serious as I could have and I didn't think that I would really truly fall for him.... and he did a lot of screwing around while we were in our relationship so far, I mean he hasn't cheated on me that I know of, but going out super late, getting wasted, sleeping over other girls houses....What should I do... and how?
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male
reader, Dreamlover  +, writes (19 May 2009):
 Love im so sorry that you got soem harsh remarks on here, yes you were at fault and i can identify with you. But what you must rememeber is that you have to own this, never mind his friends, never mind how his hurt you, its his way of retaliation. You need to decide now what your next move is. You put the ball in his court by telling him and wanting an honest realtionship there is no wrong in that. Everyone makes mistakes, 'let him without sin cast the first stone'. Unfortunately he has given you the ball back in your court.
By that i mean he could have sort comfort in one or two mates but like 10 mutual friends is a bit harsh. So the ball is in your court. Do you love him enough to work through the humiliation , cos this will last for a while when you see these mutual friends. Or do you walk away knowing that you made a mistake and you tried to make amends.
Woman are funny creatures lol, they are more strong than what they believe. This is your decission only you can own it and only you can decide whether you want him whether you love him whether you can trust each other.
My hat goes off to you for been honest, i respect you more for making the choice to love without any lies. Just remember that you do not need to compramise who you are at any stage.
Good luck to you
A
female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (19 May 2009):
 your out of line mate im sorry theirs telling a friend and theirs telling everyone you know hes down trodding her because of a mistake she made now she could of kept it secret and could of done it again but she is one of few who makes the mistake and doesnt try to cover it up. now she asked for forgivness and he gave it to her so their for its all in the past hes now rubbing it in her nose as a way to get even and theirs no need for it hes not being the better person hes taking a middle route not a cruel one but not a very nice one because he is trying to hurt her as much as she hurt him. his behaviour doesnt excuse him either he obviously doesnt think much of her to be doing what it is he does and this has made him feel the right that he can walk over her now she can take it on the chin and accept what he throws at her but their is still a line bcause the day you forgive is the day you forget because thats the whole point of forgiveness and she is right your a rude little person she asked for help and wanted to share her feelings in this crisis of her life she does not need to be down looked at by you she feels bad enough without you adding your tuppence. now leave her be and let people who shed rather have answer her question with honesty and dignity than someone who is just being mean and rude. aphex
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo: popcycle
I do know i reached out for advice, and there's only so much one can obtain tone wise through any type of internet communication, however I believe you sir are out of line for misinterpreting my tone within my update to the situation. While all individuals are open to having their own opinion, I think you should be calm before reacting to someones time of questioning.
I did say, I have no right to be even slightly annoyed with his decision to tell the world; however, one cannot help the way they feel. So me feeling ever so slightly annoyed,, I did acknowledge in my response that I have no right to be, but I am and I did not say I was infuriated with his decision.... yet as the young adult he is, telling every friend of his to just tell them, isn't all the necessary.... and you dear sir, if i was going to do what I had done again, I would most certainly not have the nature in me to feel horrid about it happening in the first place and would have probably already done so, yet again, so for you rude manner of saying that we should have an open relationship because i will do it again, was not necessary.
You are quite the shallow individual to be so rude. This is an advise website, not a website where one should be penalized for reaching out, anonymously, for some advice.
How dare you snivel at me the way you are in such a rude tone. I guess being out of line and down right rude is more of a human nature of yours. So no dear friend, you are not right. I made a mistake, once, had i wanted to do it again, believe me, it would have been done.
You are trouble believe it or not, stirring up this chaotic response of yours.
Brutal Honesty is much different than what you have done sir.
----To everyone else, I do kindly appreciate your opinions and your honesty with me...
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (18 May 2009):
he had every right to tell his friends to ask for their advice but as for telling all of them yes that is a bit imature just remember what goes around comes around. if you can work through this then fine but if he forgives you and wants to work on the relation ship then what you did is in the past and he cannot use that against you. or the relation will fail. be strong its nice to see that you choose to be honest than be a liar least now you know that you in future you wont do something like this again and it well save you from more mistakes. but as i said dont let him hold this against you as soon as he forgives you then its gone its in the past dead in the water. i really wish you the best good luck hun aphex xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): i think you also need a bit of growing up to do. seems like you like secrets. he told HIS FRIENDS because he needed support and guidance.he had to speak to someone about this situation and you need to stop being so naive and leave him to deal with this betrayal on his own. you cannot get annoyed. you need to give him space to deal with it HIS OWN WAY. secrets have a funny way of coming out. better that he told his friends than them hearing and making unfounded statements. at least they heard it from the horses mouth (literally) than making up stories and adding more juicy titbits into the story. may will be the healing aspect here. but it is the manner in which you approach it that will indicate how this is going to pan out. so instead of acting all high and mighty and annoyed and frustrated perhaps lay low for a while until the buzz dies down. you both have lots of work to do in this relatinoship and you need to start now.good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I broke the news over the weekend. He didn't speak to me much at first, aside from asking an occasional question, and then asked for space. We spoke later that evening and he mentioned that he couldn't bring himself to break up with me, even though the two people he talked too, told him to do so...
He is hurt, I knew he would be, and by no means did I do this as a selfless act to lift some sort of burden off my shoulders; I am an honest person and I want my relationship to thrive on that, which to me, meant I had to break the news.... and if we can't continue to work past this, then it wasn't meant to be anyways.
I am a little annoyed with the way he reacted, even though, I really have no right to be. He is older than me and has never had a girlfriend, so I assumed that he would definitely lean on one or two of his good friends for advice, to which I found out later, both were girls and one he used to hook up with all the time, and she even screwed him over at one point.... he then also began to let a name slip every now and then of someone that knows about our situation... it seems that he told all of his friends.... a good 10 of them know, the friends he brings me around most often.... and it's like he wants everyone to know....
That was a little humiliating and I felt a little immature on his behalf, and I did mention to him that I would have preferred him to break up with me than do something like that to humiliate me and he told me, "it's the consequences that you will endure" as if by telling everyone was my punishment...
I am thankful he decided to work things out and be around me, and he said he wants to move past all of this and go back to the way we were once before, but I think now that he has told all his friends, its almost like a constant reminder and a consistent humiliation...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): I have to say that I totally agree with Uncle Phil! You just want to ease your conscience, at his expense. If I understand correctly, this was all in the very beginning of the relations. His behavior has changed as you became closer??
I believe in honesty in a relationship except when to do so will hurt more than help. You can deal with your guilty conscience without hurting him or the relationship.
That is just my opinion, the ultimate decision is yours of course.
Good Luck
Britt
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): better you tell him than somehow him finding out and secrets lways come out. you know that.
if you base your relationship on lies then you have to say 10 more to cover up that lie and so forth. is this was you want? rather take it one day at a time, tell the truth and then work on an exclusive relationship. with him. and no messing about. you seems to always need a guy in your life. why? are you afraid of being alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): Think of it this way..
Do you want to tell him to ease your conscience and make you feel better about yourself..?
Or for him?
i Doubt your doin it for him .. hes goin to be destrought, heartbroken, especially if hes been hurt before..
My Guess is to make yourslef feel better..
Dont hurt him to make yourself feel better.. Good luck (: x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): 'going out super late, getting wasted, sleeping over other girls houses....'
Errr . . . if he considered your relationship totally exclusive, he wouldn't do this. He'd have more respect for you and your feelings.
I'd guess he's been just as 'unfaithful' as you were and probably even more recently, in which case I'd keep quiet about it unless or until he confesses his sins also. Easing your conscience by telling him won't make you feel any better about it and it certainly wouldn't do your relationship any good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): If it were still going on, I would say to tell him, but as it happened in the past once at a time when you weren't as serious I think it's best left buried. I was a stupid mistake that will not be repeated. Don't hurt him and your relationship to alleviate your guilt.
If at sometime in the future he confesses to cheating on you during the same period - not to sow the seeds of doubt, but he was sleeping over other girls' houses - then bring it up. Otherwise, I say let sleeping dogs lie.
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A
male
reader, Dreamlover +, writes (15 May 2009):
Its up to you, my tru opinion is that you made a mistake and you cheated those are the bare facts. He needs to know and he needs to decide. If you do loose him its not because you told the truth but because you made an error.You are right by not telling him it will hurt him, by telling him it will hurt him.The mistake is done you cant turn back time, but if you want a fresh start , that only comes from the truthIts hard but worthwhileps: put yourselve in his shoes? what would you expect?
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (15 May 2009):
is that what you did in your relationships kelly ? Don't tell him! Just think of it as in the past and he doesn't really need to know. Just as long as you don't do it again I'm sure its fine to let it go this time. Xx clear your conscience, and move on! i wonder if that happended to you you would say that to your bf ?
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A
male
reader, Tunsat +, writes (15 May 2009):
I would tell him. My girlfriend and I just broke up. I found out that she cheated on my over a holiday break and I heard about it but she denied it and I moved past it... sort of. The thing is after a while we started to feel distant. She of course had to feel guilt and I felt this loss of closeness with her. I don't know if you would ever want to be friends with the guy if you broke up, but there is no chance of that happening if you don't tell him the truth.He might want to break up. He might not. But he deserves to be told the truth. If he hears the truth and decides to stay with you and move past it both of you will feel much better in the long run. You won't feel guilty and you won't feel disconnected from him. Trust is huuuuge in a relationship... really any type of a relationship. If you both don't feel like you can trust each other the relationship will at some point crumble.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (15 May 2009):
 Don't tell him! Just think of it as in the past and he doesn't really need to know. Just as long as you don't do it again I'm sure its fine to let it go this time. Xx clear your conscience, and move on! X
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (15 May 2009):
its a 50/50 to be honest tell him the truth and not feel guilty or lie and it eats away at you. i think you have a real compasion for this guy just it ddnt go to plan as it has turned out. if it were be i wouldnt think about my self and tell him i took the consequences when i slept with someone who i shouldnt of i have never cheated and never intend to as its against my morals completely.i always say honesty is the best policy their are white lies but what you did is more than a white lie isnt it. looking at it from a view i feel like you have done to him just like his brothers wife has done to him. sometimes things come to us so we dont make the same mistake and this is why it bothers you is that his wife told him and you feel like you should. you may loose him but present your case to him if you decided to tel him
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I don't want to lose him, but I also feel like it's not up to me to decide how he feels about the issue.... Again, I also feel like I really didn't walk into the relationship as serious as I could have and I didn't think that I would really truly fall for him.... and he did a lot of screwing around while we were in our relationship so far, I mean he hasn't cheated on me that I know of, but going out super late, getting wasted, sleeping over other girls houses.... fix a few words and thats a good argueing case. i think you should be honest or it will haunt you. if you want to be with him and no holds bar then dont tell him at the end of the day you have two paths you can go down which one you take will decide what sort of person you will become. eahc path we take determines another piece of us which piece are you going to take honesty or dishonesty. good luck aphex xx
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