A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a guy for over 4 months now, from the 1st time we met we have either seen each other or talked on the phone every night. From the beginning he has told me about his past, which involved sleeping with a lot of girls. He feels a lot of guilt and remorse for this. We had been seeing each other for about a month and we still hadn't slept together, I didn't really feel ready to sleep with him but he hadn't tried to either. But after a month of seeing each other I was ready and brought it up, to my dissappointment he said he didn't want to because of these feelings of guilt, I was quality and he didn't want to treat me like that and that sex felt empty. We have great conversations and talk about everything, but when I show affection he pulls away from me at times, seems like he is only interested in the itimacy when he iniates it. The other night as well as a few other times he said when I am aggressive it makes him less aggressive. When I am less aggressive it makes him want me more. This topic of sex has come up a few times and I feel more and more unconfortable being with him because I want this closeness and he doesn't. He also hasn't expressed how he feels about me which makes me wonder is it worth continuing with this relationship.What does this mean, is he just scared or does he really not like me. What is your advice?Thank you Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): Maybe he has spent those years objectifying women and having sex with them. Now the two things are linked in his mind. So he can't reconcile having sex with you while NOT objectifying and using you like he did those other girls. If this is the case then he really need some therapy of a serious kind. he needs to re-understand sex as something that he can do with women in a respectful and mutually giving way.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): Someone asked if we have interacted sexually at all and the answer is yes. But another problem is that he is not interested in pleasing me if we do try than he doesn't understand why it takes me so long for to climax . I really like him may even love him which makes this all the more difficult to let go. Another thing I should mention is that I am seperated and he also from the beginning didn't like this and actually said he wanted to wait til I am divorced to have sex. This just seems like another excuse.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (11 April 2010):
 I had a boyfriend when I was in my early 20's who claimed to be a 'ladies man'. He bragged about his past encounters but he didn't seem to want to demonstrate any of this passion on me. We broke up and eventually I got the truth out of him a few years later. It turned out he had an anatomical problem which made sex difficult and painful. He is still single now as he approaches 40 due to a refusal to have treatment so I hear in the grape-vine. I should add that I later discovered that he was bi-sexual and was rumoured to have had a sexual relationship with his friend (who left his own marriage after coming out). I just thought I would write this to you because it may explain the situation that you now find yourself in.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 April 2010):
There is something very wrong here. The other males are right here. He either has major issues with closeness, or he is a closeted gay. This is just a bog cover-up for some reason. If he had slept with all those women, even with guilt it wouldn't stop him having sex with you and actually meaning it. Something is wrong, and you need to think about whether you want to be with this man.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (11 April 2010):
 He is either gay or an emotional wreck. Nither path will lead you to happiness, dump him now
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): The fact that he doesnt want to get close to you really does counter what he said about "sleeping with alot of girls" when guys use something like that its usualy a ploy to cover up. Everything you say seems to me that its him that has the problem and its nothing to do with you so dont worry or get scared he does not like you.By the way have you two interacted sexualy in anyways? if not for someone who sais he sleeps with alot of girls and now feels bad (sounds like a great lie to me) is probably just unsure of his sexuality. Either try to figure this out and talk to him how much this is effecting you or it may be best to end it sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 April 2010):
 I feel sorry for him. He's in his 30's and he's still not ready for a relationship. It says a lot about his upbringing. Women your age have no patience for this nonsense, unless you want to act like his therapist. It's up to him to reveal his past, but really it's not your responsibility to help him solve his problems. I believe you are not really aggressive, but frustrated. He is only using this word to discourage you from pressuring him.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (11 April 2010):
I do think there could be some kind of problem going on here in that it is more than him just being scared. I could understand if it was just the first couple of first times, but to me it seems there is a bigger problem about his character that he is not telling you about.I would spend some more time with this man to get to know him better. Find out more about him as a person, his past, his views on sex and relationships. Be perceptive and look out for any things that don't seem to add up right.I've got a feeling (just by going on what you say) that you are right to feel increasingly more uncomfortable around him. Be mindful that this might be a deeper problem, OK?
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