A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm eight months pregnant and I recently found out that my husband has a sex profile on a website that he frequently visits. I learned this from a friend who stumbled across it on her search for whatever. She sent me a link and the most recent time he had logged on was that day. I was broken hearted and cried until he came home and I confronted him when I calmed down. He said he only visited it to get a self esteem boost and to feel "appreciated". This confused me because our relationship is wonderful. He claimed he created it when we had an argument months ago. I just have a lot of trouble believing him that he never met anyone but was willing to pay $30/month for a membership. He confessed to sending a picture of his penis to one of the women but nothing else. He even let me look at the emails on the site. I just can't trust him. Before I met him I was cheated on, forgave and was cheated on again. How do I deal with this? When he touches me I feel sick to my stomach. During the confrontation he basically was elusive and defensive about it and claimed "Well, you're leaving why would I delete the profile? At least I'd have something." That hurt a lot. It's like he values it as much as me, his pregnant wife. My mind screams that it's not going to change it's only going to get worse but my heart is holding onto the unwavering trust and love I once held for him. We were best friends and now I feel trapped. I live hundreds of miles away from my family and I'm afraid of getting too stressed because of my baby boy. I just don't know what to do. I feel so broken hearted and embarrassed.
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best friend, self esteem, trapped Reply to this Question
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 October 2010):
 sexlessintheuk is spot on. Before making a big commitment, like having a baby, getting married, etc... a lot of people (guys especially though) have a total panic attack and go crazy. I don't think he cheated, he sounds like he was being honest with you. It's not good that he did it, but I'm guessing he's telling the truth. It's reasonable of you to ask him to close the account though. I agree you should try to find out why he was feeling unappreciated to try to work on it. If he was going to cheat, people cite emotional neglect/emotional/mental things as the number one reason to cheat, not a lack of sex.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 Please do not be offended when I say this, but perhaps you both need to carefully consider where this relationship is going.
If what sexlessintheuk said applies to your husband, he needs to consider whether or not he has the courage to step up and be a father. He needs to think about whether or not he is willing to show proper respect for his wife and soon to be mother-of-his-child. If he is not ready, he needs to let you know so that you do not waste your time with a man who just is not mature enough to love and care for his wife and his child. The way a man is supposed to.
I also think you need to ask him, why did he feel unappreciated? Does he still feel that way? If he does, what can you do to make him feel more appreciated? If there really is not anything you can do, or, he is not doing much to earn your appreciation then you need to come forth with the truth so you can both clear the future a little just so you can see where you are headed.
I know you were hurt by a man who once cheated on you but you have to accept that not all men are like that and maybe, JUST maybe, your husband still loves you a lot, he is just a little unsure of his life. But it is still something you need to talk about. Not ARGUE about, just talk. I actually despise him for even implying he thinks of that account and his own wife as equals. As his wife, you should his heart and mind, but he tells you that this sex profile of his can replace you somehow? Utterly unacceptable. Still, there must be some way this can change. Change is ALWAYS possible. The part of you that begs you to assume the worst, that is hopelessness and you need to ignore it. Be aware of it, but do not be so ready to heed its warning.
I hope that helps.
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