A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:Just broke up with my Ex. Its been a week and a few days. We were on a break, but she made it permanent and now she's "dating" this guy she met at a bar 2 wks ago who lives in Australia. After we decided to take a break so she could work on her alcoholism and severe depression over the death of her father, she confided things to me. like the fact that she used to be a cutter and that she was trying to get therapy for her problems. she also said that she considered us best friends and because of her saying this so did I. Yet, here we are now and she treats me like I don't even fucking exist. We have a class together and she doesn't even look at me. she doesn't call or speak to me anymore. I don't care about her seeing someone else as I couldn't see myself marrying her and taking care of her horribly misbehaved daughter and having absolutely no say while she rampages about the world like a miniature godzilla destroying tokyo. When her father died I rushed over and held her in my arms all night while she weeped, when she was drunk I carried her on my back and held her hair while she puked, we used to spend hours watching old movies and showing each other new music. Now she's just absolutely disappeared from my life and doesn't look my way at all. I'm really trying not to care, but its tearing me apart. She said we were friends, but with every passing day, we feel more like strangers. I could never throw away a person who has meant so much to me for so long. Yet she apparently can with no remorse. How could she forget all the things I've done for her and just treat me like another face in the crowd? she didn't even respond to my letter telling her how much I miss my friend and how I love her unconditionally and consider her a part of my family. Too busy jumping on this new dudes cock and getting drunk. I'm just very bitter and upset right now, because were the situation reversed I would have never thrown her away the way she has done me. This is neither of our native city. We've only been here a year or so, so I truly considered her like my family away from home, but now i feel abandoned and alone. How could she treat me like this after everything I've seen her through and that we've done together? Someone please help me get through this and understand. I'm really starting to hate her completely.
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a break, best friend, broke up, drunk, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Solidus +, writes (15 October 2010):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the question You guys have really given me some good advice. I want to thank you for helping me through this troubled time. I realize that we're not compatible, largely due to her own mental health and emotional issues, which I cannot change or rectify.
even though I still care very deeply about her and hoped that we could still remain the closest of friends if she's not reciprocating my affections, for whatever reason, then there's really nothing more I can do except try to forget her.
A
male
reader, Ordinaryrisktaker +, writes (14 October 2010):
Wow it's been a while since I logged in and give my ol advices. Anywho bro hurts to say this but that women is at the point where your forcing yourself to detach yourself from her life. You feel scared at doing so which is completely understandable, at the same time you have to realise that your feelings count because if you see that your feelings isn't going anywhere then why continue stressing yourself over it? Y'know man me and you are very alike in many ways if me and u met we'd be best friends like hell bro.
Be honest with you at how many times I have been in that situation is too much to coun. I don't even have enough fingers to count the many times I have had it happen. It's good to be selfless for others but it's also good to be selfish.You do not need the extra baggage from someone who is at the point of no return in the learning section in life. When she sees your strong will to move on and how you value yourself in times like this she will run back to you. But if u feel that the connection is gone by then then please bro for yourself don't let her in your life if your heart says otherwise.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): Brother I know it hurts now but it will ease. Look at it in a rational way. Is she really good gf/potential wife material if she has that many issues? Count yourself lucky that you dodged that bullet. Take a deep breath and mov on.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (14 October 2010):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe were together almost a year, sexlessintheuk.
Hey, CindyCares. Thanks for the advice. Well, basically at a concert my ex lied to a 22 year old man when she was 16 and told him she was 18. She slept with this dude who she didnt even know and got pregnant. which was the worst thing in the world for her because she not only lost her independence as a teenager, but her ability to drink alcohol because she had to stop drinking. (During pregnancy and after, for breastfeeding)
We were together almost 10 months. About 2 months into dating her daughter eventually arrived to live with her. Now I know about children because my mom is a teacher and I have volunteered in class rooms since I was 10. Well, in all our time together we must've gone out in public with this girl dozens of time and she literally NEVER behaved in my presence. Literally NEVER. And its not like she was acting this way to prove something to me or going through a phase. You could just tell this was her normal behavior as no one had raised her properly. She the child everyone stares at. My ex never disciplined her enough. So she's 6 years old and literally never obeys her mother.
Well, during our time together I wanted to make our relationship work and seeing this behavioral issues I would let my ex know that she should be more strict with her to save herself problems later, but many times she'd just ignore me or act as if I don't know what I'm talking about or that her child was perfect and I needed to shut up. In fact, when we split last week I get the feeling it was primarily because of her daughter. She said it didn't feel like "home" when we were together and that she felt like she didnt live up to my standards of being a mother.
It probably didnt feel like home because when we were all together she had to spend ALL her time coddling a monster and chasing her like Tom and Jerry. Once I met them at a restaurant and moved to stand beside my Ex, well her daughter proclaims "no im going to stand by my mommy", keep in mind a human being has multiple sides so everyone can stand by them...well I'm mid stride and this girl hurls herself in my path. My knee bumps her back and she face plants and starts crying...thats not the bad part. She gets up and screams "He pushed me!" imagine how bad that could've been for me if it didn't happen in a restaurant full of people in plain view of her mom.
I'm not the only one who noticed this stuff. In the past we had another class together and occasionally she'd bring her daughter, each time she would disrupt the class and interrupt the teacher with the inane ramblings of an out of control child with no respect for adult authority. It got so bad the professor told her she couldn't bring her to class anymore and that she may want to go to a new class. when she told me i told her the hard truth, doesn't matter what class you go to when the issue is her behavior not. You know what she told me? "Whatever, i don't give a shit" wow. really? And did I mention her daughter frequently talks to strangers and runs through busy parking lots without holding an adults hand?
Yeah, I know...long story long. Sorry, guys. I feel sorry for her daughter because I see her developing into another pregnant 16 year old. I could scarcely imagine being 6 and having my mom smoke weed all the time, get drunk bar hopping, and hooking up with strange dudes she meets out at bars. And I know she had sex with this new dude because I literally had sex with her a few hours after meeting her. First and only time I've ever done that, btw...but I didn't know it wasn't for her at the time.
I'm fairly certain she's drinking, smoking weed, and getting into these relationships in order to forget her chronic grief over her dad and all her problems. Its sad because im the only person she told that cutter/alcoholic/depression stuff too, not even her best friends knew! So for a long time I bared the weight of wanting to make sure she was safe and okay, but the way she treats me makes me angry with her, when I know I should just pity her...the night we split she said she felt like cutting again and thats when she knew she needed help. She was gonna get professional help, but it fell though and she has attempted since. that was 2 months ago.
All those negative emotions don't just go away overnight. You can't go from the verge of breaking down and seeking a therapist to becoming a party girl...those negative emotions are still inside you no matter how deep you try to bury them.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 Like the other Aunts have said, this woman has a lot of serious issues so you can't expect from her the same actions and reactions of a mentally balanced,emotionally stable person.
I want to add something, though, and not to blame you for anything, just to add another possible explanation to her abrupt about-face :
does she know that you think her daughter is horribly misbehaved and like a little godzilla ?
Maybe you did not tell her, but she felt it anyway, and it must not have gone down well.
Alcoholic mothers are not the best in parenting skills, yet they are still mothers- they don't like their kids to be criticized. Plus, she probably feels guilty about the botched job she is doing in raising her kid, and your attitude ( expressed or implied does not matter,mothers have sensors ) did not make feel any better. That may have helped her to detach herself from you emotionally.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 You made a mistake. You got into a relationship with a very needy person with emotional and dependency issues. We all make mistakes, but the winners are those who learn from what has happened and never go there again. It sounds like you were her therapist as much as a boyfriend. You are feeling bitter because she is not behaving as you would wish - she ignores you, dates other men, gets drunk etc. You should just understand that you pair were never compatible and the relationship was not heading anywhere good. You have escaped a life of misery and picking up the pieces. Replace the anger with pity. She is a self harming depressive with alcohol issues. She needs treatment, but only when she is ready for it. In the meantime, let her make a mess of her own and her new boyfriend's life. It doesn't matter that she ignores you - it will help to put a distance between the pair of you. This is what you need to heal up the bitterness. You cannot be friends with someone who you resent and dislike, nor should you aspire to just because you have a history together. You won't share classes with her forever and then you don't have to see her at all. Give yourself some time to get over her and then focus on finding a partner who is much less complicated - when you do then you will appreciate that lady so much more based on your past experience of dealing with less than ideal. Good luck!
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