A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi.I am 26 and been married for almost a year now. Like every marriage we have our differences. Maybe they are a lot in our case cuz our viewpoints are divergent on most of the issues. We've been working on our issues and trying to get a deeper insight into each others needs and expectations. We had his mother staying with us for 2-3months which put our relationship to stand-still as most of his available time was being invested towards his mother. After he departure we had a vacation planned to catch up on lost time. We were planning on having a baby after the 2nd year of our marriage for several reasons 1. our careers 2. financial aspects 3. our understanding of each other 4. our mental and physical readiness for a child.However before we could do so, I tested myself pregnant even after taking a PlanB (morning after pill). My husband is a 100%decided that he doesnt want to continue with this pregnancy for 1. financial reasons 2. fear of birth defects due to planB.However I myself wake up every morning with a difference in opinion. Sometimes I feel I should take a chance. Then other times I feel "How will I survive if the baby ends up with a birth defect".[I have been told chances are minimal. But not 0%]Also the feeling that I did not want it will always stay. Am I even ready? I dont feel ready-neither physically nor mentally! Am I taking the right decision.[I am aware of people motivated by religion to thrash at posts of this kind. However I request such enthusiasts to stay away from responding as I am making my call with 100% awareness. Thanks]
View related questions:
abortion Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): Gecko 07You are so correct. I salute you! I do hope the person who asked this question will appreciate people like you and SMILES who have taken her feelings in consideration and have been OBJECTIVE towards the ISSUE. It is so unfair to allow personal issues to cloud judgement in situations like this. THis is a matter that needs to be resolved between the lady and her husband. If hey have fears about whatever, they need to have it adressed by professionals.Dear lady I do hope you and your husband will find the right answers and it is something that only the two of you can decide.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): This question is only awkward because peoples beliefs get in the way of it, and its hard to be really emphatic in this situation. Peoples desperations to have their own children, religion and general belief that everyone has the right to live are issues that turn people to doing something that may not be right.We have the technology to stop a birth for the benefit of the parents, and the child. We live in this age and whether you take advantage of this or not is up to you, but I think you should talk to your husband about this.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Thank you Gecko, and thank you Smiles, for clarifying the situation and what this lady may be seeking. This question is too hard for this board, and it is difficult to give you advice with which you can be happy. Draw on the support and strength from people that know you and your situation best. Again, everyone here at Dear Cupid wishes you and your family well.. Take care, good luck...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): PS: Dear poster, your fear also seems to be stuck on the chances of disability in a child. Again there are no guarantees in life. Some women have disabled children, whether caused by contraception, heredity issues or just plain bad luck. Your child could be perfectly healthy or it could be disabled, just like any other pregnancy. Disability is something that happens, apart from special categories (hereditary, drugs with known side effects, old age, interbreeding) no woman knows if her child will be healthy or not.
Rather than deal in the one case that went wrong, go and talk to the doctor and ask for proper statistics on the chances of depo provera or any morning after pill increasing the probability of disability in a child. I also have horror stories about individual cases, that I could give examples of, and why I realise that fertility and childbearing is not always something that's guaranteed, just like everything else in life... Being pregnant for some women is a miracle and something they long for.
Your mother, your husband and your doctor have talked to you, again I wonder, why the hell are you asking advice from us? But then again you haven't asked for advice, you've told us your situation and you and your family have made the decision about what your going to do.... Like everyone else, I wish you good luck and send you blessings for whatever you choose to do in your life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Shes asking us for further advice, reassurance and support.
I don't however feel comfortable in telling you to do something that will change your life, effectively, forever. I'll give you two sides to the equation, which will probably make your decision even harder to do, but hopefully you will know all the options.
I personally haven't heard of birth defects when taking the after morning pill however, I am merely a teenage boy and not a grown woman. If you have been told however it is minimal, I don't think it should be the basis of your decision. The basis of it should be the things that are 100% i.e., financial situation, mental preparation etc.
This baby is technically not yet human or alive. It is forming. The awkwardness (?) of this situation is your mental health while looking after the baby if you keep it, or if you get rid of it. Most people feel absoutely awful, depressed and set off all kinds of mental issues when having an abortion. Explaining it too later children is incredibly awkward if the time comes.
Unfortunately this world is run on money, and looking after a child is incredibly expensive. If your not in the financial situation to provide a child with the money it needs, it creates all kinds of strain, tension and difficulties. And unfortunately, money is usually the most important thing that is required, regardless of how much love and attention you give a child.
If you are not ready, physically or mentally, financially or if your husband isn't ready, then you should seriously think about abortion. However this is a you and your husband decision. This isn't just one persons, this is both of yours. Its both of your child. And I suggest you consult your concerns and doubts about not having an abortion with him.
I suggest you make it clear that you just want an adult chat, and unbiast chat about what you can do as a couple.
Good luck, take care. Always here.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Sorry, I've been trying to think of someway to answer this question, but for me it has proved very hard. I believe in a woman's right to choose, but I also wish that all children be given the gift of life...
I really don't understand what the question is here. Dear caller you and your husband have made a decision, what was the advice that you wanted us to give. The fact that you have posted us your situation, makes me think you indeed need more time and opinions about whether or not a baby could be brought into your life right now.
"Am I even ready? I dont feel ready-neither physically nor mentally! Am I taking the right decision." Ms anonymous...
This question is totally unanswerable, and if you and your husband have already decided upon an abortion, why are you asking us? Or are things far from decided with you?
As I said, it's your life, your body, and your choice, and I know many of the aunts and uncles who have answered would agree with this. But many of them are mothers and fathers, and if they are asked directly then yes, in your situation abortion is sad, considering you are planning to have a baby next year anyway. Many people are never ready to have children, there is no perfect time when your relationship is good, money flows in, your career is sorted out, the house is fully furnished and there is money in the bank....
Your choice honeypie, but again, if everything is sorted out, then why are you asking us. We support you in whatever you choose to do, but many of us are curious as to why you ask advice from strangers but disagree with what we say. Talk to your husband, not us. We have our opinions which are different from yours and may not be suitable for you at this moment in your life...
You will have to live with your decision, no matter what you choose, and yes you may have regrets (no matter what) or it may be the best thing you've ever done. Who are we to know, we are not fortune tellers, we don't know what will happen in the future. But please be sure that you are aborting for a very good reason and that's it's something you will be able to live with and never regret. It's your body and your life, make decisions to suit you, cause nobody here can help you with that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Dear Poster
Please forgive this: As I do not believe this is fair or relevant, but maybe you will understand. I refer to your request in your posting; that unfortunately was so ignored or overlooked by some uncles and aunts; I do apologize for the turmoil and agree with the male Anon. Poster.
Big Sis.
I do not believe this is the place nor the manner to address any personal opinions;
I would like to REFER YOU TO THE POSTERS REQUEST and think that should be RESPECTED; I do believe our own personal feelings is irrelevant and we should not impose that on the poster.
We cannot allow personal feelings to cloud our answers but NEED to be objective and help the Poster to get a clear perspective and make a personal decision uninfluenced by our personal feelings.
Yes, indeed it is a very sensitive and delicate situation, but you need to RESPECT the poster request and give her the freedom of choice without implicating your own feelings due to your own situation and circumstances.
Dear Poster
I do apologize for this, but I am sure you will understand.
I refer to all my previous postings and confirm the contents. My thoughts and prayers are with you in this very difficult time.
Best wishes and lots of hugs to both you and your hubby.
Try to SMILE even if it is difficult , I know.
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis  +, writes (7 October 2008):
 Okay Smiles, we all have our own personal opinions, and in my case my own 'personal experiences'.... like you said, we are none of us professionals here, and her best bet is to seek professional help and guidance.
I'm just advising the OP what I believe to be a fairly reasonable answer on a subject that is close to my heart.
BigSis
xXx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Dear Poster
Thank you for the update.
You are indeed a very level headed person; I am so happy and relieved to hear from you and it is good that you could talk to your mom; I am pleased that you spoke to your doctor; As mentioned before do what is best for all concerned. I do have empathy with you and my thoughts and prayers are with you.Please keep me posted.
Best wishes and try to keep SMILING.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking time to respond.As I said I am aware of by-standers taking it easy and passing remarks and to me they fall on my deaf ear.The best part is I a have discussed this through and through with the closest person in my life - my mom. What more can a woman want when the people that matter the most stand right besides you!Better doing it right than having done it wrong live with the fear of consequences or worst.. live the consequences.My doc told me about this one woman who took 'provera' to help her with her periods while she wasnt aware of her pregnancy!!! The child ended up having a life-time spinal defect and the doctor suggested termination. Due to her religious beliefs she didnt. And now every living day for the child is misery!!! [God bless the mother and the child].
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Dear Poster
I DISAGREE with some of the other postings; you will not have to feel GUILTY; NO, please, IGNORE those statements; Please, do not allow anybody to JUDGE your decision.
I repeat what I said before:
I have lots of empathy with you. This must be one of the most difficult decisions that you have made or might ever have to make in your life.
I can almost feel your emotional turmoil. The uncertainties; the emotions and the fear; yes, I can understand your feelings; Yes, I can understand your fears and your doubts and know you want to do what is right and best; however, no matter which way, this will be a difficult decision and it WILL HAVE AN IMPACT on you for the rest of your life; no matter what you decide. (That does not mean that you will feel guilty,NO not at all; however, it will bring you and your husband closer; you will enjoy and value your first child) etc.
PLEASE
Don't make any hasty decisions;
PLEASE DON'T allow anybody to INFLUENCE you!
My thoughts and prayers are with you; I do realize this will be a very difficult time ahead for both of you;
I am sure you will find the answer and you will make the right decision for all concerned.
It is so easy for others to stand on the outside and "JUDGE" or even give a "verdict" such as: you will feel guilty for the rest of your life": I say.....RUBBISH!!!!!
What ever you may decide after considering all the options; you will know what is best;you will be able to live with, knowing that it was the best decision at the time.
Please believe me, in this instance NOBODY CAN give you the ANSWER; you and your husband have to TALK and find the SOLUTION.
This is a very PERSONAL matter and if you want to be fair; you and your husband should go for counseling before you make any final decision.
TRUST me that will be in the best interest of all concerned.
Not the opinions of myself or any of the people on this site, but do get personal counseling.
You are dealing with a major decision and ONCE AGAIN; don't be influenced;GET PROFESSIONAL help rather then listening to amateurs.
My thoughts and prayers are with you; I do realize this will be a very difficult time ahead for both of you;
Best wishes and try to keep SMILING.
Your are welcome to Private Message me for more detail and personal experiences.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Don't allow anybody on this site to influence you; I am so sorry and apologize for those who were insensitive to your request; ignore them!
Do what you seem best; don't allow outsiders to influence you.
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (7 October 2008):
This will be the biggest decision you will ever have had to make in your life, and I mean the biggest.
Please do as Waz says and think long and hard about whatever you decide. Follow his link and think about it.
The long term effects, not to mention the guilt, will be with you your entire life.
Your heart deep down should help you decide.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
BigSis
xXx
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): I believe Planned Parenthood clinics have mandatory counselling for women considering abortion. As a guy I've never been in this situation but I do have female friends who have had abortions for various reasons and they all went to Planned Parenthood. They said that they had to have counselling, so if you want someone to talk to you should go there. Also, there are certain windows of opportunity for abortion (I believe you can't have a pill induced abortion after 8 weeks- after that you have to have surgical abortion- but I'm not 100% sure, the people at the clinic will be able to clear this all up for you). Basically, you have only a certain amount of time to decide whether or not to abort, because it gets harder and complications are more likely the longer term the pregnancy is. So if you want one, go sooner rather than later, also so you can schedule an appointment (clinics only do abortions on certain days and will make you wait a week or two if an appointment is not available).
If you aren't ready financially or physically or mentally, then it is the kindest thing to do to abort the fetus. That's just my opinion but I think every child should be wanted, and every child deserves their parents to be at their best. You said you were planning on waiting until you'd been married longer, so I suggest you do that. Having a baby at the wrong time will mess up your relationship, your life AND the babys life. This will sound crass but remember, you get more than one shot at a baby- you CAN have another one if you abort this one, it's not the end of the world, you have a virtually endless supply of eggs and sperm that can make you dozens of babies in the future.
Of course counselling is best done by professionals. I am not an abortion advocate but I am trying to relieve you of any possible guilt you feel over making this decision, if you believe it is the right one. I also, as a guy, can see things from his perspective (your husband) and the panic he would feel over being forced to raise a child he did note expect or want. Maybe it would all work out in the end, you never know! Life is unpredictable. I don't have anything else to add except good luck and I hope you come to a decision that makes you, and your husband, happy, so that you can have the best possible life and be the best possible you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): Dear Poster
I have lots of empathy with you. This must be one of the most difficult decisions that you have made or might ever have to make in your life.
I can almost feel your emotional turmoil. The uncertainties; the emotions and the fear; yes, I can understand your feelings; Yes, I can understand your fears and your doubts and know you want to do what is right and best; however, no matter which way, this will be a difficult decision and it will have an impact on you for the rest of your life; no matter what you decide.
I wish there was an easy solution, BUT unfortunately there is not.
HOWEVER, I do suggest you make an appointment to see your gyne; insist that your husband accompany you; talk to the gyne about the risks involved should you continue with the pregnancy; get his professional opinion;
I do know in some instance certain test can be done over and above the normal sonars; to establish if there is any defects to the fetus; in which case the medici might recommend the fetus to be aborted. These test can normally be done at about 16 weeks. BUT please do go and talk to your DOCTOR about all the WHAT IF'S. He will be able to best explain it to you and then you and your husband need to TALK; yes, you need to discuss this and share your feelings about this openly and honestly with each other; it is very important that you share how you feel with each other; NOW is the time for the two of you to grow closer to each other and not to try and shut each other out.
Don't make any hasty decisions; think about it very carefully; BUT PLEASE go talk to your doctor; even get a second opinion if need be.
My thoughts and prayers are with you; I do realize this will be a very difficult time ahead for both of you; you are welcome to contact me any time by private message.
Lots of hugs and keep SMILING;
I am sure you will find the answer and you will make the right decision for all concerned.
...............................
|
