A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all I need some none judgemental advice!I am 22 and recently had a one night stand with a guy I barely know and stupidly we didn't use protection I am on the pill but recently just switched. Anyway I am now pregnant and petrified and not even sure what I want to do yet however my question is should I tell the guy either way even if I decide to get rid or should I leave him oblivious? He has also recently got back with his ex gf so not sure if I should rock the boat for them. HELP!
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ex girlfriend, his ex, one night stand, the pill Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): It seems to me like a double edged sword. Where no matter what you do, you may come off like the jerk. For instance, if you never told him and just went ahead and had an abortion and he ever found out about it, he might be pissed off. Like he might feel that he was entitled to know about it and be part of the decision.But at the same time if you planned on getting an abortion and you did tell him about it, he might get all stressed, nervous and suspicious and then might get mad at you anyway for "getting pregnant." Or think you are trying to get something out of him.Anyway, before you do or don't mention it to him, you need to decide what to do first. Are you going to keep it or not? I had an abortion once. It is the only time I have ever been pregnant. I was in my late 20's, but even so just wasn't in a good place to raise a child. I wasn't married. The guy who got me pregnant was a complete jerk. Poor child probably would've been fatherless. And if he had tried to be a father, the thought of dealing with this guy was not something I could see myself doing for the rest of my life. I had recently graduated college but still in a transitional period. I was getting a lot of help from my parents. They were not going to support this. Maybe I took the easy way out, I don't know.I felt terrible. Laying back on the exam table, waiting for the doctor, and knowing you are taking away a child's life. I'm not proud of it. But you have got to decide what you want to do. And then go from there. I guess when you do decide, in all fairness, you probably should let him know. Just out of courtesy. Best to you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 February 2015):
 Of course there is child support in the UK (it's called child maintenance) but I do believe it's a fair bit more complicated then in the US.
OP as hard as it is, YOU have to follow your heart, what nonny said - talk to someone WHO knows you (and who won't judge) who can BE there for you whether you chose one or the other option, it's a good idea.
And IF you feel he should know, then tell him. It's quite a big secret to carry around by yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): If it matters to you, dear OP, (and I'm not sure if it should or would)I'm 100% behind everything YouWish just said. I think the guy has some rights too.Don't get me wrong though: at this stage he can NOT tell you either :"You should keep it" OR "You should get rid of it". Even if he does, you DON'T have to do what he wishes/says.But I only know that if I were a man I'd like to know about any child of mine. Even if that child never comes to be, I'd like to know so that I could get over it/ grieve/ process it in my own way.To YouWish: cultural differences. The OP is British. I agree with everything you said,but sadly (as far as I'm aware, correct me if I'm wrong any one) the British Law system hasn't quite caught up with it all yet : I believe if they are not married (which they are not by the sound of it), he will not have any visitation rights unless they were agreed upon PRIOR to the birth. For info:https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility and http://www.dad.info/divorce-and-separation/fathers-rights-and-law/fathers-rights-to-see-their-children-law-in-the-ukThis is very much the case in Europe too. That might help you understand why the German poster believes he has "no rights". Also- I think that "child support" doesn't exist in the UK? Anyone know?Back to the OP:Dear, whether you choose to tell him or not is a moral dilemma (at least it would be for me). As I said, this is SO,SO personal a topic that they are no right and wrong answers. You know what's best for you. Do some soul-searching and find out.I really think you shouldn't be talking to us (i.e. strangers on the i-net),but to someone either a) very close to you (are close to your mum?Could you confide in her maybe? Mums are lovely and can surprise you) b) a professional with an impartial viewWhoever recommended the British Pregnancy advisory thing-thank you! I learned something new today :) Had no clue that even existed!Love,The Nonny
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 February 2015):
 A male's rights are not optional. Many males don't fight in the courts for their rights, and they don't stick it out in the courts if they are challenged. They just sit back and pass the child onto the mom for custody, cashing their check and doing their best to walk away in every other way.
The ones who stand up for true joint custody and take an active part in raising their children are absolute heroes. I'm very harsh on moms who use their child to hurt their exes or play visitation games or other things that hurt their child, and moms who put the relationship grudges with the ex aside and make it easy to dual parent are also heroes, because the child is truly first.
Father rights aren't optional.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): WiseOwlE said "the pregnancy wasn't planned so his parental rights are of no real consequence."
Tell that to the court system. They will demand child support from an accidental father and imprison him for not paying, just like an intentional one.
Why are men's responsibilities mandatory while their rights are optional?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): Take care of yourself and don't rush into any decisions you'd regret later. You know time is limited, if termination of the pregnancy is an option you're considering. Do only what you now you can live with.
Telling him or not telling him is certainly up to you. If you decide to keep the child; consider if you will need financial help and support. Then tell him. If you can raise the child on your own with no help; you can just put off telling him until you damned well feel like it. No knowledge, no rights.
If you keep the child, consider the questions s/he will ask about their father down the road. The pregnancy was not planned; so his parental-rights are of no real consequence.
Let the child's financial-security and welfare determine what you think is best. If you keep the baby, his/her needs come first. He had the conscious choice to use a condom; so he deserves to pay child-support. There should be no unnecessary struggle on your part raising his child.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (9 February 2015):
Firstly you should decide what you want to do, whether it is to keep it or not. If you do keep the pregnancy you will be a single mum and will likely have little to no support from the guy. BPAS (British Pregnancy Advisory Service) offer counselling as far as I know, it should be free. If not, do contact them and they can direct you to other non judgemental organisations.
It must be hard to have to keep this to yourself right now, but once you decide what you want to do then things will become clearer. Talking it through with someone non biased like a counsellor will help you come to a decision that is best for you.
Best of luck and do update us x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): As all the others have said decide if you want the baby first , if you decide yes and you tell him and he actually does step up and want to be a part of the babys life you need to set some rules. Yes the baby would spend time with its dad but not the girlfriend (at least at the start)can you manage financially to take care of the baby on your own? Do you have a good support network around you ? I'd try and find out more information about this guy before you make your final decision then if you decided to keep the baby and he's not interested at least you have some background info for your child in the future , talk to support groups that specialise in such things like lone parents and how you feel and will cope emotionally after an abortion, they can help with your final decision.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (9 February 2015):
Dear OP,
I'd recommend that you first decide whether or not you want to keep this fetus/baby (maybe make a pro/con list about that). Picture yourself as a single mother and don't count on the father. Also maybe take into consideration that you could become a mother later in life, with a better partner.
Don't take the fathers feelings into consideration at this stage of decision making. It's your body that's pregnant, not his.
If you decide to abort the fetus, what good would it be to tell your ONS? He won't be there for you, I suppose, as he got back together with his ex. He might even accuse you of lying, as you have no proof it was his.
If you decide to keep the baby, then tell him. But expect him to be shocked. He thought you're on the pill, he's moved on, he's not prepared to have a child. Maybe he'll eventually show interest in the baby, but that's not for granted. He might resent you for "knocking him up" (I don't know if you can say that about a man, but you know what I mean..) and making him a father against his own will.
By the way, I don't judge you. I wish for you that you'd been smarter, but many of us have done very stupid things when it comes to sex. Make the decision that works best for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2015):
Make the choice on your own, he won't be any help either way.
Should you tell him? Well, personally whether you decide to abort, adopt or have the baby - I'm always on the fence - on one hand I would tell him because HE needs to think more.
Having a one night stand and NOT use condoms is stupid OF both of you. What about STD's? The pill wouldn't have done a thing about that, so NEVER have one night stands without a condom.
On the other hand, if you choose to abort what good will it do to tell? Would he come and sit & hold you hand when you went through it? Would he talk it through with you when you feel down in the dumps? Would it, AT ALL, help YOU to tell him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): The decision should be entirely yours as it is your body, your life, your future career prospects etc., so whatever you decide- it's fine,honey, because it was the right decision for you and your future child/children.In my personal opinion (though honestly in situations like this MY opinion really does NOT matter-it's all about you), I think he should know. It is his child too after all. As for "rocking the boat"-I wouldn't worry too much about that. It sounds like the boat was plenty rocked if they broke up and he slept with you in the interval... Plus, "they" are not your priority. Your own well-being (mental and physical) and potentially that of your baby are more important right now.But why are you asking us? Can you not talk to your mum or maybe a trusted female friend about the situation you've found yourself in? If you are still at uni-even a counsellor maybe (it's free,anonymous and impartial) ?All the best *hug* If you are petrified, please look/ask (family,friends,impartial counsellors) for help! Please!Love,the Nonny
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (9 February 2015):
 You need to decide if you'd be capable of being a single mum -
• if not, you can have a termination (whether you tell him is up to you, mostly on whether you can carry the baby to term and hand the baby over for adoption)
• or give the baby up for adoption (give him the option to be the single parent before you go ahead; he might want to step up)
• if yes, you need to tell him that he can be a father (not a couple) or just pay child support
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