A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Help me! Some things I will tell you I am so ashamed of so please do not be too harsh on me. I need to figure out what kind of help I need.I have deep rooted trust issues, I have a fear of being made a fool of. I'm suspicious and paranoid. Hypervigilant. I obsessively and compulsively check my boyfriends search history and facebook. Like 10-20 times a day. I can't seem to just stop. It's an addiction that gives me a rush and I feel calm when I find nothing. I'm also jealous and I'm insecure.My boyfriend found out recently that I've been going into his history, Facebook etc. Maybe not to the extent of it. But daily. He's shocked to say the least. But not angry. My jealousy in the past caused us to have a lot of arguments and he got angry one night and kissed another girl. We broke up for two months but then got back together.So he says he feels partly responsible for my mistrust even though I didn't trust him before. Anyway, he changed all his passwords and put a lock on his phone and laptop which is fair enough.But before he Did that he had looked up a girl he went on a date with when we were apart. Searching for how to restore deleted contacts. Anyway, that was before we had a long talk.So I need help. I just don't know what kind of help. I've been to a therapist and done the talking thing for months. No help. And a hypnotherapist. What kind of therapy would work best for this kind of thing? Please don't be too horrible to me. I know what I do is very very wrong. I'm a psycho and ashamed and just want to trust him without feeling such anxiety.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): Your boyfriend may have lied about kissing another girl being spiteful of your jealousy and distrusting behavior. I think that just falls under the category of spiteful retaliation; because he made it a point to let you know it happened. Rubbing your nose in it, and giving himself a convenient excuse. Reversing blame.
If it did actually happen, that was a pretty low blow. I'd think it would piss him off pretty badly if you went out and did the same to him. Spitefulness or vindictiveness in a person is a red-flag. Kissing another girl was for his own benefit. I assure you; you're not to blame for that.
Don't go labeling yourself a psycho; that is an attack on your own self-esteem, and belittling yourself is where all this comes from. If you were a true psycho, you wouldn't be cognizant of your behavior; and wouldn't feel any guilt or remorse for it. You are exhibiting extremely jealous behavior by snooping and spying; and all the wild unsubstantiated suspicions. You fear guys will always find somebody better, cheat, and leave. Your ego and self-esteem have been reduced to zero over the years. Somebody called you nasty names and degraded you a lot. Was it a parent, boyfriend, or ex-husband? Bullying? All of the above?
You can seek counseling to help rebuild your self-esteem. Go online to find some classes or attend seminars specializing in confidence-training. These days there are a lot of women's support-groups that allow you to talk about your feelings and share with others in a help-group setting. That often helps; because you realize that you're not alone and you also get to observe the behavior outside of yourself. Sharing experiences and venting is good therapy.
Jealousy is a normal human emotion. All people get jealous. Those of us who have been repeatedly traumatized in childhood and throughout most of our relationships, may lose some control of it. If you attach your personal-value and self-worth to your partner's fidelity; you will see his cheating to mean you are worthless as a person. Thinking his cheating is directly related to your looks and sex-appeal. Blaming yourself. Therefore; you believe the reason people leave you is because you're not good enough for them. Always afraid they'll find someone better than you. You also believe, like far too many women; that men are not capable of being faithful to women. You've probably witnessed it in your own family, and it has happened too many times in your own relationships.
You have to learn to deal with your feelings and insecurities before committing yourself into monogamous-relationships. You are not psychologically-fit, or strong enough for handling the stress and pressure of being in a long-term romantic relationship with a man. You have no trust for men, and possibly a suppressed hatred. That sometimes comes from post traumatic stress. Were you ever molested, or abused as a child or an adult?
You get a rush out of spying and intruding on his privacy. You like unfair advantage in the relationship. You search for affirmations to your sexist-belief that all men are cheats; and it soothes you to find a reason not to be accountable for having no respect for his privacy. That's pretty normal, we all try to find excuses and ways to rationalize our irrational behavior. The pleasure in intruding on his privacy comes from a dark-place. You apparently have a mean-streak.
You are unaware of how your own behavior is hurting yourself, more than he is. You actually seem to believe yours and all relationships end in disaster. So why do you insist on inserting yourself into them?
You are self-destructive; because the tension builds until you can hardly stand it. So you let jealousy sabotage the relationship; in-order to rush to a predictable ending. You can't stand waiting to find-out when something is going to go wrong. Your pessimism toward romantic partnerships is like an infection or disease. You've got to learn to love yourself before anyone else can love you. Being faithful is not all it takes to make a good relationship. That's all you focus on. You obsess over it. Your problem is, you don't like yourself. He can't fix that for you. That's internal and your own responsibility; if you insist on committing into relationships.
So when you learn to love yourself, you'll build confidence in knowing you don't need the validation of men to be a wonderful woman/person. Your hyper-active jealousy will level-off. Jealousy will not go-away; because it's a natural human response that motivates us to stay attached, and to protect our relationships.
With professional counseling, you'll learn to manage it better. You have to realize the importance of your presence in the relationship is equal to his. Losing you would be equally painful to him. He would be hurt if you cheated, and will suffer the loss if you left. You are not the only one capable of feeling grief and loss in relationships. Men do have feelings and can think with our brains, not just with our penises. Love can be real and authentic. You don't believe that in your heart. That's killing you inside.
Cheating is prevalent in our society; because people have a strong sense of entitlement. We diminish the value of commitment and monogamy; because it restricts us from having whomever we want and doing whatever we want. It's not always humanly possible to intervene or take preemptive steps against infidelity or cheating. Cheating isn't always intentional or planned. Cheating can just as easily happen to you, as it can happen to your boyfriend. All it takes is the right person to push the right buttons. Self-control is our only defense. Integrity and love is our best weapon.
You can get the best therapy and counseling in the world; but it's still going to come down to something as simple as loving yourself first. Acknowledging your own self-worth and value, and what you bring to the table. Being mature and practicing self-control. Professionals may help you find the reasons, develop tools, or name the malady; but you have to know how to apply what you've learned, and how to put change into practice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): Thanks ... Yes I've never tried it but I'm sure it would help. I am pretty busy though. I work full time. Go to the gym up to four times a week (my boyfriend owns one) and I do freelance work. At the weekends I volunteer at an animal shelter and am doing an internship for dog training and behaviours. I need to start reading books again, I miss that
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): OP here. Thank you for your response honeypie. I did tell my therapist everything. But I don't think I was ready to change at the time. Maybe CBT with another therapist would help.
Thanks as well for the link. I've tried the "putting it off till later" technique and it is helping. My boyfriend wants to work things out. He thinks a lot though and I keep thinking that he will change his mind so I am trying to just breathe deeply and stay focused.
He doesn't think he can make me happy, that he can't give me what I need. He is a very independent person and openly admits that he doesn't need anyone, however it doesn't mean he doesn't love me or want me in his life. He just thinks that it might not be enough for me. He is quite a "Vulcan" type. He wants me to think long and hard about whether I can be happy with him and what I want and need from the relationship.
I think that the trust thing and the always wanting more from him thing are more or less connected. He thinks they are separate. That we can work on the trust thing but not sure if fundamentally he gives me all I need.
I'm so sad :-(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): switch off yoursmartphone, deactideactivation te facebook, don't use work computer for personal things and disconnect your wireless at home. Spend as little time alone as possible. Hang out with friends or pick up new hobbies. Or go to the gym.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 February 2015):
 You need to ask yourself, WHAT do you need FROM your BF in order to trust him again? Because right now, you don't trust him further then you can toss him. YOU two NEED to talk. And you NEED to verbalize your needs.
You have two issues in your post. Trust and compulsion.
Looking up her name doesn't = he wants to cheat with her.
Could be simple curiosity.
You are trying to HIDE the fact that you don't trust him, and then you snoop behind his back in order to regain some control. The thing is, YOU CAN NOT control him, his feelings or his thoughts. YOU can however control YOUR own actions.
You know that snooping makes you feel even worse long term, more nutty then a Snickers Bar, so YOU need to start there. YOU need to stop snooping. Not only does it VIOLATE his privacy, but it also doesn't help you. Seeing nothing makes you feel OK, but it's TEMPORARY. That is why you check again and again and again.... IT IS compulsive behavior.
So he kissed a girl, you two argued, broke up and got back together. Which means you FORGAVE his transgression of kissing another girl, and he FORGAVE your jealous behavior. If you TRULY do forgive him, then you can't use him kissing this girl as an excuse to snoop.
Now I don't totally agree that he kissed the other girl because of your jealousy. That is really not a good excuse for him to use. My guess is, things were not going great and he had one foot out the relationship when he met/kissed the other girl. IF YOUR jealousy was so horrible, he COULD have left. HOWEVER, since you two decided that you would work it out and continue to date - you two need to sort this out.
Basically, the relationship broke down. Then you both picked it right back up WITHOUT sorting out the ISSUED (yours and his) that RESULTED in that break up - and those issues led you to the whole snooping control thing.
You KNOW deep down that if he HAD NOT found out that you snooped, you would have gone even further then you already have. And you KNOW it's NOT OK to do this. THIS is not what people do in a healthy relationship. It's SICK.
Compulsions are hard to deal with. You said you went to a therapist, but did you discuss THIS issue with her/him? Were you totally open and honest? What you really need to consider is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
I have OCD. I have certain rituals, compulsions that are part of my daily life. I used to have severe anxiety due to them, yet managed a high level of function.
Checking up on him MANY times a day has become your "ritual" - you "THINK" you HAVE to check, to feel calm. The truth is, it only makes you check and check and check - because the calm doesn't last.
Checking = calm to you. But like SO many other rituals (for OCD people) rituals are "fake". Hence why we feel COMPELLED to redo the ritual OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
The "calm" you feel is a false sense of calm. THAT is why you recheck, because the "calm" you think you feel turn into anxiety and the anxiety makes you TRY and reach that "high" or "calm" by CHECKING again.
THERE is only one person who can STOP this. AND that is you. IF you do NOT want to be that CRAZY GF who checks up on her BF ad nausea, then YOU have to TALK to him first, LAY it out in the open. But you also NEED to STOP snooping. Stopping a "ritual" is really the hard part. So small steps.
Start by OWNING your actions. That means telling him. Because IF you tell him, it will ACTUALLY make it harder for you to do it. You have already acknowledged to a bunch of stranger (in your post) that you KNOW it's wrong and that you NEED to stop.
Secondly, are you home all day? do you two live together? Do you share a computer?
Change your habits. If you get on YOUR computer to try and break into his Facebook/e-mail - you need to WALK away EVERY time you want to "check" up on him. Make a cup of tea, turn the computer off if you have to and LEAVE the house.
IF you do this at work, then turn OFF the screen when you are NOT using it for WORK. DO NOT do ANYTHING private or personal on the work computer. No lame Facebook updates or looking to see what others do. THAT can wait til you get home.
COMPARTMENTALIZE your daily life. That LITTLE box that leads to the checking up on him? NEEDS to go.
YOU BF can't fix this for you. YOU have to accept that. EVEN IF he gave you full access to his FB/Phone/e-mail IT WOULDN'T CHANGE the fact that what you are DOING is WRONG.
EVERYONE has a fear of being made a fool of. NO ONE would like that. Right now though, YOU are making a FOOL of yourself by using your "trust issues" to invade his privacy.
SNOOPING doesn't GUARANTY that he won't stray ever again. THERE are NO guaranties for that. TELL yourself that when you feel the desire to snoop.
SPLIT the trust issue from the compulsion. TALK out the TRUST part. talk to your BF about WHY you feel it's hard to trust HIM and what you NEED from him to work on rebuilding trust. Ask what he NEEDS from you. And don't promise something you can't give (as in blind trust) TRUST is earned.
Then work on the control/compulsion. Like I started, you NEED to change your routines and habits. YOU need to stop.
( http://www.anxieties.com/107/ocd-stop1#.VNilx_nxpQI) might give you a little insight into rituals/compulsion.
PS. you are NOT a psycho.
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