A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:At the end of last year my parents suggested that I rent out my place for a couple of years so that I can stay in their holiday unit and pay cheap rent so that I can get ahead with my finances. My Mum came up to visit 2 days ago and things have been tense between us. Mum and I have had several heated arguments over my new boyfriend of 2 months (who she just met 2 days ago) all because she doesn't want him to stay at the unit which I am renting off her and Dad. My boyfriend and I live 90 minutes away from each other and because of the distance between us, he either stays at my place Friday to Sunday or I go to his place.Because I wanted to see my Mum this weekend and my boyfriend wanted to meet her, my boyfriend offered to stay with me. We picked Mum up from the airport, took her shopping and out for lunch and last night we made her a roast dinner. My boyfriend was so kind to her and respected her holiday unit by keeping it clean and tidy. I must admit, the dinner we made last night wasn't the best due to the meat being tough but there wasn't much we could do about it. When I asked her what she thought of the dinner, I hoped she would be polite and say "it was fine" or "it was ok" because my boyfriend and I hadn't cooked for her before. But instead she complained and said it hadn't turned out very nice. I was so embarrassed.When my boyfriend was in the shower last night, she pulled me to the side and said "Is he staying over again?" When I tried to explain how we have been staying Friday to Sunday at each others places, she told me that she doesn't want him staying over when her and Dad are there. It was 10p.m and my poor boyfriend had to get into his car and do the 90minute drive home. I felt so sad for him because it was so late.She told me she really likes my boyfriend but doesn't want others there when her and Dad are on holidays. I tried to explain that Dad won't get a chance to meet my boyfriend when my Dad comes up next time because day trips are too short and she said "just stay in a motel for a few nights" if you want Dad to meet your boyfriend." I felt so hurt when she said this. I don't introduce her to many of my boyfriends and I felt like she couldn't care less if Dad meets him or not.Then Mum questioned me about a push bike I bought recently. I bought it to go bike riding with my boyfriend. "How much did you pay for that bike?" she asked tonight. "You can move out when your unit lease is up because you've bought something pointless and that money should have been saved" she said.I feel like she treats me like a child. I feel that she is controlling me. Am I exaggerating or would you agree? I know that she likes my boyfriend because she said it twice over the weekend to me but why is she not letting him stay over? She's always been a bit controlling over things that are hers and I've never known why.My main question is, should I be entitled to have my boyfriend stay over because I am renting the unit off her and Dad or is it ok for Mum to dictate who can and can't stay at her unit whilst she is there? I feel so sad that my boyfriend can't stay over when her and Dad are in town. Please help.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 February 2015):
 I would talk to your dad anyways. Ask him what HE thinks about all this.
It could also be that she felt uncomfortable with being in the same little place with her daughter and the GUY she has sex with, you know some parents don't like to think that their "baby" is having a sexual relationship.
She IS treating you like you are still living at home, BECAUSE your parents OWN this one, I think your MOM think it's an extension of HER home. Was one of the rules (when you lived at home) no BF sleeping over under their roof?
But yes, I think your BEST option is to move out from under her thumb. If you are doing JUST fine with your money-management she really has NO good reason to treat you this way.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): Thanks for the reply 'Honeypie.'To answer your questions, I'm not in any debt and never have been. I don't even have credit cards. I've always been a good saver and bought the bike because it's something that I really wanted. And I rarely buy things in general. I don't travel and I'm always trying to save my money.You're right, the only rule she said when I moved in is to look after the place. Nothing at all was said about who can and can't stay. As you said, I think she is making up these rules as she goes.I've never seen my Mum as controlling but in this case I think she is being very controlling. As you said, I'm in my late twenties and she shouldn't be making these threats. As for Dad, she would have phoned him and gotten into his ear already so there is no point trying to reason with him either.I think I'll definitely look for another place to live. Thanks for your advice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2015):
Time to move out.
You mom wants full control of you AND your spendings (in the sense that she wants you to pinch pennies). My guess is either your parents CARRIED you partly (financially) when you first moved out, and she thought lower rent would help you out + it would mean someone living in the vacation unit. Which otherwise would sit empty and bring HER no money at all. OR she is just really really controlling. OR your mom grew up with no money? OR are you finances in a total shambles? Do you have a lot of silly debt? Like credit card debt?
Decide what you want. My other guess is you and your parents didn't have a conversation of "rules" when you moved into the unit. You mom is now making them up as you go. Again, for control? Is she very controlling?
As for buying a bike I don't really see the problem. It's not like you bought 7 of them to match outfits. Or that you bought a $700 purse. And I will presume you were still paying HER rent too, right? So yes, one month you decided to buy something YOU wanted (the bike) and not save as much. UNLESS you CONSTANTLY buy stuff you don't "need" I think she WAS being unreasonable.
Can she dictate who stays with you? Unless you have a rental agreement - NEITHER of you are "right" I think she IS being unreasonable though. You are in your late 20's having your BF spend the night or two shouldn't BE a big deal.
Personally, this would NOT be OK with me. I'd look for another place to live. And ASAP. I'd still take advice about saving up (because it's smart), making budgets and so forth but I would NOT let my mom dictate how to live my life.
Why has your dad no say in this?
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