A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been talking to a guy that I met through a dating website for almost 3 months now. We live across the country so we haven't met yet but we text all day and skype pretty regularly. For the most part, things are pretty good with him and I feel like he and I could eventually be in a relationship. Recently he's been asking an abnormal amount of questions about my past. About a month ago he started with asking how many people I've slept with. I was honest and said 5 and he flipped out since he's only been with 2. He took a whole day to reconsider everything but ended up coming back saying he wanted to still be with me and he thought he would be able to work through it. He is religious so that's a factor but he keeps making comments regarding how he never pictured himself with someone who had so many partners. A few weeks ago he started asking several detailed questions about how many guys I've kissed. Given that he got so upset with the number of 5 for people I've slept with, I didn't want to tell him I've kissed 13. The more I dodged the questions, the more impatient and frustrated he became. I explained I didn't think my past defines who I am today considering this number is over a 6 year period! He eventually got me to tell him and he made comments about how much it bothered him that I wasn't super conservative during my college years.The more this happens and the more pressed I am to explain my past, the more worried I get. I've actually lied for some situations saying that 2 guys I slept with were long term friends and each only happened once. I felt cornered and didn't know how to diffuse the situation without altering the stories to seem less serious. I hate that I lied and it definitely bothers me when I think about it. However, he makes it impossible to tell the whole truth because I'm afraid of his reaction and severe judgement. My telling him I'm uncomfortable giving details is met with how he doesn't like that I'm not open with him.He brings up the number of guys I've slept with many times and keeps telling me how much it bothers him. Within the same conversation he'll tell me how he doesn't want to lose me. He says he's just curious about my past and to him, it does make up who I am today. I've pointed out that not once has he ever taken such a curiosity to any of the great things I've accomplished. For instance- he knows I do a ton of community service and volunteering but he never once asked about any of that.Before any of this went down, we booked a flight for me to spend a week with him. I'm beginning to wonder if it's a bad idea and these could be signs of someone who is really controlling. Is it unusual for a potential boyfriend to be so demanding of the details of the guys I've kissed or slept with?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 January 2014):
I for one think its very wise to find out the sexual past of your prospective partner before getting to far into the relationship. Sexual compatibility is very important to the long term aspects of a relationship, not to mention how many posts have we seen here to the effect of "After 25 years of marriage, I found out my wife/husband slept with X people and I cant handle it!"Again, I think its smart to find out, and as you get invested into the relationship one has every right to find out the truth before they want to proceed. Hopefully, getting married is the end goal of most relationships, and with that you'd sure want to know things as simple your potential spouses financial history, why should something as important as sexual history be off the table?All that said, once one does find out, they have the moral obligation to move on once they realize that there is a long term compatibility issue. It sounds like this chap isn't holding up this part of the bargain.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 January 2014):
He shouldn't be a potential boyfriend, or even a friend for that matter.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2014): Your two different sexual histories make you two incompatible. There is no need to bring any more judging and morality into the whole subject than that. You have the right to your history and he has the right to feel its a deal breaker for him. The problem is that its his responsibility to break the deal now. Only he is not breaking it. He wants you a lot so he is trying to make himself okay with something the he is absolutely not okay with, and he is failing. So he keeps lashing out at you over it. The more he cares for you the more this pains him. He naturally reacts to pain with hurt and anger at the source of it (you).He keeps asking more questions because that is a normal reaction for a person in his shoes. But unfortunately this normal reaction is the wrong reaction. He keeps feeling like knowing more details will eventually help him deal with it, but it never will. Try to understand that he is feeling an EMOTION. There is no logically reasoning with emotions. You cannot reason his feelings away and neither can he. The disrespectful way he has begun treating you is not okay at all. Its completely unacceptable. I do not mean to excuse it. You need to call him to the mat on that and tell him to stop it or you walk away right now. I am just trying to help you understand what is happening. Believe it or not, this IS a sign of how much he cares for you. If he didn't want things to work so much then the deal-breaking parts would not hurt him as much. Another one of people's natural reactions to retroactive jealousy is that it should fade with time. It seems right but its wrong. It will usually still bother the person just as much 15 or 30 years later.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 January 2014):
 Yes, it is highly unusual for a potential boyfriend to be this interested in and this demanding of sexual details from your past.
He is clearly more interested in who was between your legs than with what is between your ears.
This guy is not boyfriend material. He has a serious problem that in three short months has already become a problem for you.
Huge red flag. These guys do not get over this quickly or easily and many of them don't get over it at all. His obsession can last decades. If you find that hard to believe then search our archives. You'll find countless posts from men still obsessing about their wives past, even after 25+ years of marriage.
Cut this guy loose. Be brief, very blunt and unapologetic. Tell your past belongs to you and it isn't your problem he doesn't have as much experience as he wishes he had. Tell him this isn't going to work and wish him well. Then block and delete him. Please do not give him a chance to 'explain'.
In future, do NOT lie. This will come back to haunt you later on. Do not volunteer this information and if asked decline to answer. You can say something like 'I don't share those kinds of details and I don't want to know about your encounters'. Again, be brief, blunt and totally unapologetic. If a guy takes issue with that, cut him loose at once and don't look back.
The courting phase is when a man is the most interested and accommodating he is ever going to be. THAT is the time to lay the foundation for the kind of connection you want. If a man knows from the start that he is an addition to your life, not the centre of your universe the happier you'll both be. Never tolerate treatment from a man that you wouldn't dole out yourself. If you wouldn't do it or say it, then he shouldn't either. Be strict.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 January 2014):
 VERY bad BIG HUGE RED FLAGS....
sorry his reaction is not sane or rational or fair.
see if you can cancel the ticket or move it off or change it to go visit a GF...
I think since you have not even met him, it's better to just let it go....
truth be told in the long run you will end up leaving this relationship anyway.
The meeting might be enough to realize it's not going to work... but I would not risk it.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 January 2014):
 Lots of red flags with this guy. He clearly has a bad case of retroactive jealousy and has chosen you to be his emotional punching bag.
I think it's reasonable to ask if someone has been intimate with other people. When you start demanding specific numbers and then start to delve into each and every partner down to the ones you kissed in second grade at recess, you've entered into the realm of OCD out of control mental health issues.
I'd get the ticket refunded and move on, this guy can't control this and is using the information you volunteered as a cudgel to hit you with, in order to make himself feel better. Yuck.
Sorry, better luck next time.
P.S. Why, if he is so religious, does he have 2 partners in his past? I think he's not walking his walk or talking his talk. The 'moral' thing is just an excuse to explain away his OCD reaction to the knowledge that you have lived life before you met him. It makes him feel bad, and it can't be HIM with the problem, therefore it must be that he is so moral that his over the top reaction is founded solely along religious lines… riiiiigggghhhttt…..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 January 2014):
 I don't think this guy will change he is too busy JUDGING you.The fact that you feel like you have to lie for him not to have a go at you or get mad is a RED FLAG.
The fact that after knowing you for 3 months he had to "re-think" if he wanted to be with you after hearing your number. It means he isn't ACCEPTING you for who you are. He is UPSET and he will HOLD this over you head for the rest of the time you are with him.
Read up on RETROACTIVE JEALOUSY. It's not like HE is pure driven snow but he somehow expects YOU to be. And now that he has found out you are not it's eating him alive thus all the questions.
I agree with you that who you are is NOT the sum of your sexual partners or sexual experience.
Trust your gut, I'd let him go. Tell him you think he better cancel the flight and you two stop talking.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 January 2014):
 Controlling ? I think it's bordering with insane. You haven't even met yet, he is a perfect stranger whom you met on a website 3 months ago, .. and he is asking to know the minute details of your private life and criticizes them ?
Anyway, I guess some respondents would say " Yes he has the right to know because he has the right to be informed about everything in your life since he is considering a relationship with you and needs to know what he is getting himself into. Same as he would have the right to know if you had a criminal record yada yada ".
Personally I don't see it this way, but OK, let's say that you SHOULD debate all the details of your sexual past.
In this case, I am afraid you are flogging a dead horse, and the horse is dead before even starting the race. For this guy numbers count, maybe because he is very religious ( but no so religious to practice premarital abstinence, apparently ). He obviously thinks that 5 is too many, and he would want someone with zero experience , or at least a number which he thinks is reasonable ( his 2 ). He has problems with experimenting, or kissing guys out of a serious relationship or what not, anyway if he has scared you into not being able to own your 13 kisses - it means you know he'd be turned off or angry or judgemental.
All in all, he wants a girl... who's not you. Someone with a different level of experience and a different mindset. And yours bother him very much. The best you could expect , I guess, is that he generously "forgive " you for your wanton ways :)- probably holding them over your head forever and working himelf up into a lather of mistrust and RJ ( reatroactive jealousy ) at the first occasion.
Plus, do you really want to be " forgiven " for something you do not feel guilty about to begin with ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): He's shown that he's not mature enough for the info. Just say I'd rather not say and not entertain any more questions. He'll pester you but he'll stop if you stick to your guns.
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