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female
age
51-59,
*oonshine2
writes:Mods note: OP's own title:I have an an age old problem-my boyfriend is addicted to porn. We actually broke up but got back together over it. I have two children and you can tell by my figure that I do. But my bf always tells me I am not fat. He just grew up enjoying looking at women with big butts. I don't have much of one. He said he would try to not look at it and I thought he was doing good. But then I found out he is doing it again. He says he loves me and only wants me and that I turn him on in other ways. He's just not sexually attracted to me. He says he has been doing this since he was 12 he's 36 now. It makes me feel terrible about myself. I ask him why he didn't find someone his "type". And he says I am the only person he can be himself around and doesn't want anyone else. Yet he continues to look at porn. I don't understand. Can anyone help me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): Porn when it hurts your partner is not "being a man." It has nothing to do with being a man at all. That's just a cop out. Women enjoy porn too, a LOT. It's when men go, oh you can't understand because I'm a man. I NEED porn. It's ridiculous. Sure if you feel super horny because of testosterone, go rub one out. Go masturbate with some crazy fantasies. But porn is a completely different thing and has nothing to do with gender. At all. It's also not fantasy.
And yeah what about his happiness? Yes it's an equal comparison. A woman feeling like complete and total shit, her self-esteem is in the toilet, she probably cries over this, sometimes obsesses, and it makes her feel like a worthless person. Let's compare that to small amount porn increases the fun in masturbation for oh, maybe 20 minutes. Yes they are totally equal. It's not like masturbation is fun without porn or anything. Basically it's her feeling like shit, versus him having masturbation be a little less fun, but still fun. A very fair thing, don't you think? I am no longer going to argue with a woman who thinks the women's movement was a bad thing because we now argue with men about porn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): You actually just said things were better before the women's revolution because women were stuck in the kitchen and unable to criticize men's porn habits. You miss the old days cause they caused fewer arguments? That is ludicrous and so sexist I cannot believe anyone, let alone a woman, would actually even think that. There were fewer arguments because women didn't have a high enough status next to men to question anything they did. They did as they were told and were complacent as housewives and mothers. They didn't have the choice to stand up for what they cared about and believed in because no one would listen to a woman's movement. There's more arguing now because women have the choice and the ability to stand up for what's right. They are no longer required to comply with everything men say. Yes there's arguing. Because now women don't have to be doormats and we have a choice. We are doing what's right, which is to stand up and not them hurt us or treat us like crap and some men don't like that. You can do what you want in your life, but not everyone is content being told what to do and accept regardless of how it makes us feel. The women's movement gave us choice and I cannot believe you would actually say things were better when women were behind stoves so they couldn't question men.
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (10 August 2010):
 Anon, I can hear your hurt and your pain... but you can't change people, you can only change yourself.. I always perfer couples to compromise on the issues of pornography. But if they can't, you can always leave the guy who hurts you so much.
The guy likes pornography, you don't and it hurts you. Then leave the man and finds another one who doesn't like porn. You say it makes you unhappy, but what about his happiness... how is it fair that he gives up something he likes, and makes you happy, when he is sad at the same time? A man looking at porn is doing something he likes, if your unhappy, well, find another guy.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (10 August 2010):
Q... you know I like "Don't ask, don't tell, and don't search" when it comes to pornography... it's awful, but things were better before the woman's revolution and the internet... men have always looked at porn, but women didn't notice because they were stuck in the kitchen....
I miss the old days, cause they caused less arguments....
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): I don't have a problem with porn. I have a problem with men dating someone who doesn't like porn who refuse to acknowledge the fact that it utterly destroys their partner beyond, "yeah, but it feels good for me. Deal." or brush them off with the even worse "it's a man thing." Women naturally like porn just as much as men actually. Women actually naturally cheat just as much as men. Women enjoy orgasms just as much as men. All of this has scientific backing. So that whole it's a man thing isn't going to work. That's where you're wrong q, you get angry at women for trying to say how men feel, while at the same time making ridiculous statements about how women feel. Just call it what it is. You (not you q, men who won't stop despite a severely hurt girlfriend) not caring about your partner's feelings. If men weren't so incredibly desperate to excuse their behavior with anything they can it wouldn't be so bad. If they would just come out and say, yeah it's just because I'm selfish, I wouldn't care. It's when people try to justify it with, "I'm a man. You can't understand." Everything I've seen and heard from scientific articles to anecdotal evidence points to otherwise.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (10 August 2010):
Hey Q, we done with arguing now.. the orginal poster is looking for solutions and suggestions...
Look at kneeling 69, do you think if she asks to try that it will keep porn of his mind for a little while?...
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reader, Miamine +, writes (9 August 2010):
http://www.sexinfo101.com/sexualpositions.shtml
If he can do 69 kneeling, I think it's more than fair tat he has a day of pornography while you go get some sleep.. lol...(how the hell do they do such things)
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reader, Miamine +, writes (9 August 2010):
Good luck babes, there is nothing wrong with you not liking pornography or getting upset that he does.. likewise there is nothing wrong with him liking pornography and getting upset that you don't understand...
Compromise is what I'm asking from both of you.. a little movement here and there, cutting down on pornography from him, showing you more love and making sure he sees to your needs first... from you, putting up with the odd day when he slips and pornography comes into your life, stopping the arguments, but remaining truthful to yourself about your dislike of the whole thing...
Work together, don't fight, pornography really isn't worth fighting about...
Again, good luck, please show him this post, I think he'll find it interesting and it will allow you both to talk about your feelings and work together to overcome any differences... :)
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reader, moonshine2 +, writes (9 August 2010):
moonshine2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMiamine thank you so much for all your great advice. I think I am going to share the whole posting with my boyfriend and especially your advice in the last posting. Or maybe I will just take your advice and compromise and basically find a way to agree on not agreeing eye to eye on everything and give him his privacy! But I will have him go on that link you gave me with me!
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reader, moonshine2 +, writes (9 August 2010):
moonshine2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYos thanks for bringing it back to my question and taking it way from an ugly debate. I think I will be ok now that I have read some very useful answers mostly from the guys because you all tried to explain from the male perspective and gave helpful advice.
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reader, moonshine2 +, writes (9 August 2010):
moonshine2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDirtball thanks!
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reader, moonshine2 +, writes (9 August 2010):
moonshine2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionq1605 Thanks. I am beginning to see i will never understand but yes I am wiling to take that leap and enjoy my relationship because that is really the only issue we have between us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Like several of us have said, there are three or four anon posters (I think). And in response to StoneMason:
Yes, this is a sexist issue. Not porn, I mean the way men treat women about porn. If most women tried the whole, these are my needs as a woman, you can't satisfy them. Don't try to understand thing, on a man she'd get left in a heartbeat. Think about it, what other than PMS (not really the same as it's not something we do by choice) do women do this about? There's literally nothing. You could bring in the sex toy thing, but I don't know any woman who would continue to use a giant dildo if it really hurt and bothered her guy. Furthermore most women use vibrators, not dildos. I don't care about porn. I really, honesty, don't care. If both parties want it and enjoy it, great. More power to them. But when the woman doesn't want it, the man brushes her off telling her that her feelings are irrelevant because this is just part of being a man. She can't understand. then, yeah I have a real issue with people who do that. Because it's not "just a part of being a man, deal." It just a part of being self-centered. The men I know who use that line are all that type of guy taught men conquer, are in power, etc... etc... Many of them also use the men are hardwired to cheat line too. Men aren't hardwired for porn! You just like it. Fine, you can like it, but don't use that nonsense about it being hardwired or gender based. It's not. I think acting like it's a "man thing" is far more entitled than a woman calling out a sexist societal problem. I'm getting really tired of hearing this whole, "I am the man, you will listen to me and do what I say," crap that's going on with this.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (8 August 2010):
 Anon porn hater. While you're entitled to your opinion, how you express it reflects very poorly on the argument you are trying to make. You have deraled the advice that this individual was seeking by bringing up a debate that will never be solved.
Oh yeah, and if you read what Mia said, she said maybe you *should become* a lesbian, she didn't call you one. You half read what someone writes and then insult them about it. You make me sick, and not because of your views, but because of the way in which you argue them. Good luck finding someone who doesn't make you sick.
OP: I sincerely hope you can find a way to get past this. I think that on many levels you have a good relationship. I'm continuing to hope for the best outcome here. I'm very sorry that your topic drew in a person who's agenda was more important to them then helping you!
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reader, Stonemason +, writes (8 August 2010):
 One anonymous reader writes after my post that indicated, "Since we don't really see it as a problem, we have trouble understanding why the women in our lives have so many issues with it."The anonymous poster wrote: Why isn't the fact that so many women have so many issues with it and get so hurt enough? We've all spelled out our issues a million times, we've showed how much it hurts and men still spout the same well it's not a problem for us and we don't understand anything. The way men treat women and porn has gotten to be so ridiculously cruel and sexist. I don't want to live in a world full of such woman hating jerks."Here you are name-calling, "sexist," "cruel," and "jerks." Well, you are throwing your "higher morality" around quite a bit. You certainly see that, don't you. I am not so sure of myself. Why are you? Millions of people hate certain writers, but I go on reading them. Millions of people--are you one of them?--eat animals. I'm not one of them. Just because millions of people herd themselves along with the rest isn't a good reason that I should go along with them. Porn is fun, interests me in sex, and ends up making me want my wife. How can this chafe your tender spirit even a little it? And your tender spirit seems not so tender when you call me "a jerk."
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reader, Yos  +, writes (8 August 2010):
 I've spoken to Miamine. Just not on this forum.
It's really best now if we drop this us versus them argument and try to focus on the needs of the original poster. If you want to say any more, please focus on their questions. Bear in mind she has said that she's ok with porn, but just doesn't want it to dominate their relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Moderators, please print this in answer to YOS. OK, I overreacted with the insults, but why then is it OK for Miamine to say I'm a lesbian because I don't watch porn - is that useful?? If you attack me, then you need to level the playing field and let Miamine know that it is equally not OK to insult people who are trying to debate - "only a fool turns a debate into an argument"!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Yos, why don't you direct this against Miamine. Is it useful that she calls people a lesbian because they hate porn?
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reader, Miamine +, writes (8 August 2010):
Actually, I can see areas where you and him can meet.
1. He's willing to give up pornography, but finds it difficult. But even if he can't give it up, I'm sure that he can cut down...
2. Your not totally anti-pornography, but you have had some bad experiences. You have watched pornography with him and even though it has them women who made you sad, in the end you found it fun.
3. He doesn't want your relationship to be built on sex, and you don't want pornography included every time you both make love.
4. You feel that he goes behind your back when he watches pornography without you. However you are willing to allow him some privacy if this will help to solve the problem.
5. You would like more sex, he is able because he masturbates instead of having sex with you, but he makes up stupid excuses...
Your both ready to compromise and do a deal...
1. You will allow him his privacy, you will not try to find out how often he looks at pornography.. you will trust him to keep this bargain.
2. He will try to reduce his dependence on pornography.. no more late nights surfing the net.. he will have to do his porn watching when your not there.
3. Once a month, you two will have a sexy porn night.. sometimes you will choose the video, sometimes he will.
4. Since he will no longer be able to use pornography to go to sleep, sex with you has to be more frequent. However, sometimes, it is fair that he gets pleasure and maybe you get none.. I'm betting he uses masturbation and porn to relax.. give him blow jobs, masturbate him so he can go to sleep, have quick sex with him in the day or right before you go to bed. Sometimes people are too tired to make love, what they really want is just to cum, a quick way to help him orgasm may provide the stress relief that he currently gets from pornography.
5. You must both get out of the house and do something nice together outside.. often fresh air can help get the blood and the passion going. Go on dates, go to the market, go for walks, and then come back and make love.
6. The forfeit game... A game to take both your minds of the problem of pornography... Together you will look at this website.. http://www.sexinfo101.com/
One week you get to choose what sexual activity you will do, next week it's his turn. I looked at the positions, they look difficult enough to cause you both to laugh as you are trying it...
What's the forfeit... I don't know.. lol.. whoever forgets to choose a position has to do the dishes for a week... A way to just have fun with sex, and push pornography back into the background...
mmmm.. think I've covered everything.. go and talk to you man, tell him you want the porn to go away, so you've got a bargain to make with him... Try this for a month or two and see if the pornography becomes less of a problem.
How does this sound to you?
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reader, person12345 +, writes (8 August 2010):
 You say you want sex every day, but he only wants it once or twice a week because of his porn? Sounds addicted if he's giving up real sex in favor of his hand. I think you need to find some way to really deal with this before it escalates. Clearly there's a problem when he'd rather masturbate than have sex. You should speak with a counselor about this.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (8 August 2010):
Sorry babes for turning this into an argument that has nothing at all to do with you. It's interesting that you watch pornography too...
Think back, when you look at porn, do you spend your time lusting after the man, or do you watch the sex action and the movements. Also, when you turn the pornography off, could you describe the man, the colour of his eyes, whether he was fit or not.. How much time to do spend thinking about the porn once you have turned it off?
You are the important one here, and we need to remember that and stop squabiling. I don't know how to convince you that your man dosen't lie when he says he finds you sexy. Men like lots of things about a woman, her tits, her long hair, if she is blonde or brunette.... men see that when they look at any woman, in the street, in the magazine or in the video... but with a woman your intimate with, the woman you love, he loves so much more about you. The way you get angry, your laughter, the way you smell first thing in the morning... lol.. the way you bend over when your getting the washing, and no, he doesn't think "hey, she's got a small ass, I wish that it was bigger"... usually they think more.. "mmmm.. if I grab her and stick my penis in, how long before she tries to kill me, or has an orgasm and can't fight back..."
Men don't often lie about such things, if they say they love you and they are with you and try to treat you nice, it means they love you, all off you, exactly the way you are.
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reader, moonshine2 +, writes (7 August 2010):
moonshine2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStonemason thanks for stickin to the subject. We do have sex once maybe twice a week. If it was up to me we would have it everyday but he has always said he doesn't want our relationship to be based on sex only to find out that he goes on youtube everyday (well he did before I found out now it is limited because he is trying not to do it as much because he knows it hurts me)to jack off to big bottomed women. These are things I don't understand. I did finally talk him into watching a porn with me and of course he picked one that has big bottomed women. Which is ok because I was curious if he would stick to his norm when he watched one with me. It was fun but I also don't want it to become habit forming meaning that is the only way we will have sex anymore. I think he is attracted to me while we are doing it. I asked him if he is with me or thinking of the girls he watches and he swears he is totally with me, but I can't help but wonder about that. I know that he is madly in love with me in all other aspects except this. I really didn't want this to cause mud slinging. I have nothing against porn- even with him doing it occasionally by himself- but just not all of the time. And I love watching porn- but it took me three years to convince him to watch one with me because he would always say why watch what we can do- only to find out that he was watching it everyday.
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reader, Yos +, writes (7 August 2010):
Ooops!
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reader, Yos +, writes (7 August 2010):
"Do NOT diss on my opinion. I'm an academic and it's like arguing with someone who cannot look at two sides of an argument, because they do not have the intelligence!"
Calling people jerk-offs and insulting their intelligence, then asking them not to diss your opinion is rude and also counter productive to your argument. Insulting anyone with a point of view different from yourself is no way to persuade them of anything, other than that you're obnoxious.
Besides that, arguing against porn at this point is... futile.
Whether we like it or not, porn is here to stay and in a big way. It's a pandora's box situation: we cannot uncreate it now.
We should be looking for pragmatic solutions to dealing with issues like porn addiction and the false impression that porn gives young kids who are learning about sex for the first time. Not insulting anyone's intelligence who might think porn can have a positive side.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): There are at least 4 different anons on here.A lot of women watch porn? Few enough women that if I was given that percentage as a chance of surviving a disease I'd arrange my funeral. I hate the culture that surrounds this porn thing way more than I hate porn. If the woman has a problem with her partner jerking off to other women who look nothing like her, she's insecure, jealous, or possessive. Rarely does anyone ever say anything negative about the guy who disregards his girlfriend or wife's feelings. It's all about how it's her fault she feels bad that he needs to use other women to get off. Isn't that the definition of cheating? Furthermore many go, oh but it's in our biology. It's in women's biology to be emotional. So how is continually knowingly hurting her over and over accommodating her biological needs? Furthermore, porn is not a biological need. Masturbation is more of a need, but porn is a want. If the guy needed visuals, fine ask for a video or pic of his girlfriend. But that's not what happens. This clearly goes beyond just needing a visual to get off. This just shows me how sexist our culture still is. If I could leave and go someplace where women weren't treated like second class citizens I would. But there's no such place.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (6 August 2010):
Mrs Anon.. you don't like men very much do you? Why don't you turn lesbian and sleep with women, I think this would solve the problems you have with men liking pornography...
But maybe not, you seem to forget that many, many women like pornography too...
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reader, Miamine +, writes (6 August 2010):
Why isn't the fact that so many women have so many issues with it and get so hurt enough? (Anon)
Maybe because many women get hurt and upset about a whole pile of things.. maybe because many guy's think it's unfair for women to control what their allowed to think and look at..
Maybe because many, many women are not upset by this.. maybe it's because many women who are upset by pornography are also insecure, jealous and upset when their man goes out with friends, or the are frightened when their man has women friends..
I'm sorry, but, it's unfair that a man isn't even allowed to tell the truth about how he feels on Dear Cupid, without some strange woman getting angry and telling him and every man in the world must start to think differently, because she gets upset and wants the whole world to do what she wants because HER happiness comes first...
Do any of you women have sons, do you go searching in their bedroom for evidence that they might also like to look at naked women.... Do you then go and blame their fathers for this, or do you shout and lecture and make them frightened about the naked body and sex?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): "On the other hand, maybe you should try to behave more in more exciting ways; or communicate more, express more. Better yet, do something porny with him."
Okay, on one hand we as women are to understand that porn has nothing to do with real life. On the other hand, it has everything to do with it.
There are statements after statements... argument after argument... that porn does not compete with the 'real' women in their lives... and YET,
In the quote above... I take from it this: That in order to lure him away from porn, a wife/girlfriend should COMPETE with porn. "Get porny with him".
Why must a woman 'become' anything other than what she is naturally? Why can't a woman be LOVED and CHERISHED by a man who is HER exclusive sexual mate? Every time a man learns something sexual, develops a sexual appetite for a certain 'look', and looks at other naked women... he is experiencing sex outside of the relationship. Granted, he is isn't being physical with them... but the guy who shows up in the bedroom has changed... even if it is having learned something from another woman in a video.
Here's where it becomes a problem... The woman is an actor and not his mate. When he executes the learned sex 'moves' and does not receive the accolades the porn actor did... WHERE do you think this takes him? Where do you think it takes his mate?
Answer: To a negative place.
Hence, why porn... a fantasy world... cannot be lived.
A woman and a man who are sexually exclusive should have the joy, warmth, and SECURITY found in creating THEIR sexual life TOGETHER. Intimately. By being curious with each other.
There is absolutely NOTHING my husband can learn about my pleasure centers by watching porn. Trust me. He did not become a more skilled lover... he became a more selfish lover.
Women who have given their bodies to their man in intimacy should have an intimate MATE show up in the bedroom. AND... should not have to learn how to be a good woman/sexual partner by porning it up. No woman should have to compete with porn or change a gosh darn thing about themselves. We all deserve to be loved for who we are... for if we are not loved for who we are... we are not being loved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): The more I read on here about porn the more I think that there is no hope for men - absolute emotional fuckwits, who hide behind porn because they they cannot communicate their sexual needs to their partner. Sex is a two way thing so why the ---- should the women dress up and try to titivate her man - why the ---- doesn't he do something for the women, other than watch boring old porn over and over and over and over and over again!!!! Get a life you bunch of jerks!! He's not sexually attracted to you?? Fire the ---- out on his arse!! Has he become jaded because he has watched too much porn?? Does he not love you?? If you love someone you want to make love to them, but clearly your fuckwit of a husband has somehow blurred the boundaries and crossed a line. I believe porn is a little fantasy world for men, who cannot communicate their needs, to hide behind. It soul-less food for soul-less people.
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reader, Stonemason +, writes (5 August 2010):
You don't say how it has affected your relationship other than to imply you don't like or approve of it. What is the problem? Does he make love to you? Is he excited about you? If so, what is the matter with what he is doing? I admit it was vacuous of him to say he liked bottoms that are big when yours isn't. On the other hand, maybe you should try to behave more in more exciting ways; or communicate more, express more. Better yet, do something porny with him.I have always been excited about my wife. Looking at porn just made me hornier for her. Recently, she gave me porny photos of herself. I loved it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): "Since we don't really see it as a problem, we have trouble understanding why the women in our lives have so many issues with it."Why isn't the fact that so many women have so many issues with it and get so hurt enough? We've all spelled out our issues a million times, we've showed how much it hurts and men still spout the same well it's not a problem for us and we don't understand thing. The way men treat women and porn has gotten to be so ridiculously cruel and sexist. I don't want to live in a world full of such woman hating jerks.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (5 August 2010):
Ahhh, the defensive, "Well, you just don't do it for me." Yeah, he was backed into a corner and got personal. I'm glad to hear that it was just once, but sometimes that once will never go away. We often regret the things said in the heat of a fight. It sounds like the case here.
A positive I see is that he's made an effort to reduce his porn consumption. The fact that he's trying shows a level of commitment to you and your relationship. Still, as a guy, I can say the we have an entirely different view of porn than most women. Since we don't really see it as a problem, we have trouble understanding why the women in our lives have so many issues with it.
Good luck, I hope you can work past this.
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (5 August 2010):
 Have u ever watched true life on MTV? There is an episode Addicted to Porn, and all the ppl on there have admitted they are in fact one of the guys goes to rehab center for it. U can go to MTV.com and watch the full episode then if he similar to those cases then I would sit him down and discuss a group, they have group meetings for everything or seeing a therapist so he may recommend a rehab center. Good Luck!
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reader, moonshine2 +, writes (5 August 2010):
moonshine2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMiamine he really isn't that insensitive. It came out when we were fighting about the fact that I found out that he looks at porn. I was very hurt by the fact because I just came out of a marriage where my ex was very insensitive and wanted to have disgusting fantasies all of the time and did call me fat all of the time. My boyfriend has never criticized me before and hasn't since that day. After he said it he felt really bad. But you know words hurt even after an apology. I know he loves me but as hard as he has tried to give up the porn I found out that he hasn't and that stunned me. I am very hurt that he is still looking at it.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (5 August 2010):
Your man is rude and insensitive, that's a completely different matter and nothing to do with pornography. No one likes to be told that they are not pretty, no one wants to feel ugly or needy..
He had no right to say things that dent your confidence like that.. since he dosen't appreciate your body type, why don't you tell him that you think that his dick is bent/small/too big/smells....
Grr.. no wonder your upset, that's not love, that's just a man who likes to put you down and make you feel unsure about yourself... your pretty enough girl, your pretty enough that he found you attractive enough to start dating you.
It's got nothing to do with the way you look, the man wants to control you, and if you think your ugly, you'll be greatfull to him and will be too frightened to ever look at another man...
Go put on some make up, buy yourself a pretty dress, go out with a smile on your face, make an appointment to get your hair done, and walk the earth with confidence.. Your a beautiful lady, but if you have tears in your eyes and have been made to feel ugly, the men won't be able to see the real you.
Laugh at that idiot boyfriend, he's an insentative jerk, don't believe his lies and his bullshit, or you will begin to start hating yourself, and that's exactly what he wants.
Go out and feel beautiful sweetheart, look arround and see how the people on the street see you... Big, big hugs.. I'm sorry your guy is a lying mean pig.
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reader, moonshine2 +, writes (5 August 2010):
moonshine2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMiamine thanks for the link. You are right her answer is great! I just have to accept the facts that men enjoy different body types but that I am the one he choose to fall in love with. With that being said it still hurts none the less that I know because he said it that I don't have the body type that turns him on. I am way more into sex than he is but he tries his best to ensure that I am satisfied when we do do the deed. I have to stop checking to see what he is doing when I am not around that way I won't keep getting hurt.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (5 August 2010):
Thanks for the follow up! So the root of the problem is that you don't like the type of porn he is using. The good ol' webcam. If it makes you feel better, these girls get paid too. They charge for their shows. Now, some people will record them and post them on the web for free, but those aren't live shows. To me, these aren't much different than going to a strip club. In a lot of ways, they are usually much more tame than a lot of the porn out there.
I'm glad to hear that you have a satisfying sex life. I find it refreshing that you've taken steps to try and introduce this into your bedroom play as well.
One thing, you don't have to accept his porn use. You don't have to do anything that you aren't comfortable with. Our lives are our own to lead the way we want to.
Still, if you love him, and he loves you, this isn't a real threat. His use hardly sounds like addiction to me. Addiction is where he's maxing out his credit card on these web shows. Where he's surfing porn at work. Where he won't touch you because he's too busy jacking it to the internet. This doesn't sound like the case here. He just sounds like a guy who jacks off to porn, like about 95% of the male population out there.
Like Mia said, the more you can learn to love yourself, the less you'll be threatened by his porn use. Good luck, I hope it works out for you.
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female
reader, moonshine2 +, writes (5 August 2010):
moonshine2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDirtball thanks. We do have sex a couple of times a week. it is usually great. He didn't always finish but that was before I found out about the porn. Now he does because he isn't watching it as much. I don't mind porn I have even asked him to watch it with me but that was before I knew about his addiction to it. He mostly goes on Utube and that really bothers me because they are real women that he can respond to but he swears he does not talk to them. I realize that I am being controlling in the fact that I don't like him watching it- but if it was regular porn it probably wouldn't be as bad because they are being paid to do it and you can't contact them. I love sex and am always offering to try new things (way before I knew about the porn). Yes it does hurt that he is not sexually attracted to me and it has hurt my self confidence but I guess I have always had low self esteem. I don't want to leave him I just need to learn how to deal with it.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 August 2010):
opps, forgot to give you the link...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-watching-porn-am-i.html
Feeling adequate because of pornography is a problem of your confidence and will remain, even if he gives up porn.
Hating pornography because your religious or find it explotitive or it brings back painfull memories, well that's a different thing and there are things that you and your partner can do, to try to solve the problem and minimise the amount of interaction "YOU" (not him) has with porn.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 August 2010):
Same here babes.. check your box..
Dear caller.. please read this link... there is a very important post by one of our female aunts (Kaede) that tries to explain how people use pornography and how they think about it.
Pornography allows people to have quick masterbation time.. taking seconds or at a maximum 15minutes... that's why you can't compete.. sex with a woman you respect love and adore takes at least an hour or more.
When you masterbate to pornography, the girl is finished as soon as you orgasm.. but when you have loving wild sex with your partner, your thinking about it for days, weeks, or sometimes (when it's special) the rest of your life...
He can't look at pornography of women like you, pornography is fantasy and you are solid reality.. it's two different things.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 August 2010):
Mia, your answers are seriously starting to cause me to crush on you a little bit. ;) Great answer!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 August 2010):
This is a mistake that many women make.. they assume that because a man likes the look of one type of woman, they must be ugly if they look different..
I've never understood this. It dosen't sound like love, it sounds controlling, possesive and insecure.. You don't feel beautiful because you think your in a competition with every other woman in the world. Learn to love and respect yourself, and you'll find that you don't get so insecure by what other humans like to do.
I like tall, very tall men, over 6ft tall, who are dark with very long hair, preferably italian.... I also like them to be serious and love their family, community, children and women of all shapes and sizes. I like men who are confident, polite, and yet can get wild and mean when needed. I like guys with sexy eyes, and muscles, and an average size dick..
Did I fall in love with a man like that... no way, that's just daydreaming. I fell in love with a man the same size as me, who was bloody selfish, didn't like socializing or people, and had a big dick and a bald head...
You can like all types of meals on offer at the resturant, but that dosen't mean that you don't think your mothers cooking is the best.
A man who is with you, likes you, finds you sexy because his dick comes up and he can have sex with you. If he's not attracted to you, he has no desire and the dick stays limp.
Why do all women want to be the most perfect, most beautiful person in a man's life. When we have children or have brothers and sisters, we learn to share our time and love more than one person. Why do women feel so insecure because their partners are human and can see beauty in more than one place.
Man has sex with you, man says your pretty, man is faithfull and man is kind... That's a man who loves you, and he has no plans to run away one day with a porn queen who has false tits and a big fat ass...
Please get real... people love the movies stars, Johnny Depp, George Clooney, rock stars like Justin Timberlake.. Should men feel inadequate and insecure because they don't look so sexy and in terms of money and power are a pretty poor catch over all..
Stop competing with other women, and believe the man when he says he loves you, but likes looking at sex some of the time. Many millions of people all over the world enjoy pornography, but they are not more or less faithfull because they look at naked bodies... men who hate pornography and go to church will cheat on you with your best friend who is the ugliest person in the world... Women in pornography cannot steal your man, they don't even know him, and he's not in love with them, he's not running arround trying to find out where they live and get their telephone number.
Get more confidence, and then your insecurities will stop ruling your relationship and you'll be able to relax, have trust and have fun...
How do I know.. we got tons of links from ladies who learnt to do this and found that pornography no longer bothered them. We also have tons of women looking at pornography, and very few men who feel inadequate or wish to stop them because their jealous of the large penises that men in porn have...
Is it because men find it easier to love and accept themselves, where women always feel inadequate no matter how clever, how nice, skilled or how pretty they are..
Only a woman says "does my ass look fat in this dress", a man dosen't ask, because he dosen't care what the world thinks about him.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 August 2010):
There are some ppl out there that have a serious addiction to porn..If its ruining ur relationship then i suggest seeking help. Now he has a rear fetish and u seem a lil insecure about urself but who isnt? I would suggest either watching it with him and then engaging in sexual activity during it, or spice up ur love life with some ways to distract him from porn...i.e. more postions to where he has to look at ur rear, maybe try a lil anal, wearing one of those sexy halloween costumes during sex really gets a man's attention..the options are endless
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female
reader, Cherry91 +, writes (4 August 2010):
Obviously if this has been going on for so long it isn't a temporary problem. I personally don't see his porn habit changing, but if you decide that you can't put up with it then your only other options are to ask him once again to stop looking at it, or leave him. Please bear in mind that if he has been honest about everything else then he probably does mean it when he says he loves you. I know that you probably want to be in a relationship where your other half is attracted to you sexually but you already know that this isn't what you're going to get from this one. Just take everything into consideration before you decide what you want to do, and good luck!
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 August 2010):
Most men look at porn. That's not to say it should be approved of, but there are varying degrees with how much it can influence somebody's life.
What about it bothers you?
The reason I ask is that porn bothers people for many different reasons. Some view it as infidelity. Some feel jealous or intimidated about the women their significant other is aroused by. Some find it degrading. Etc. The reason why this bothers you will help us get a better answer for you.
My guess is that what hurt you the most here is the fact that he's said he isn't sexually attracted to you. This is a very difficult pill to swallow. Does that mean you don't have sex? If you do have sex, are you sexually satisfied? Have you discussed with him if he's sexually satisfied?
For many men, porn is a masturbation aid, nothing more. It is the act that we are watching, we're not really focused on the participants much. Sure, they should conform roughly to our concept of beauty, but I know for me, that varies from day to day.
Can you accept his use of porn? If not, I don't see this getting better. You don't have to accept it if you don't want to, but he isn't likely to stop, no matter how much you may want him to.
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