A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Should I bring it up or let it go?My husband is very busy running three businesses. He gets very stressed with it. Sometimes he masturbates to porn to relieve tension - I know all this, it's not every day or all the time.Sometimes I use his phone for internet search or whatever and noticed the last visited page was a porn site (when I used his phone) - that's ok. Then the other day I used his internet again and all the pages had been deleted. Fine - he may not want his porn on his mobile of course.I decided to ask him last night when the last time he masturbated - when he is not at work we are usually together as I also run a business from same office. He said 'ages ago - I cant remember'. But I know this is a lie because of what I saw on his internet. He may be hiding it from me because he knows I think it inappropriate to do this at work (though he would never do it while someone else is in the building). But I have PTSD and I freak out when I am lied to! Being deceived is my biggest fear.Anyway - is this one of those things I should just let go? It doesn't happen often - I know he's lying to avoid a scene. Though using his phone for porn is a new thing! I don't want to have an argument but fear the lying very much.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 honestly it is his business when he masturbates, I would never dream off asking my partner that question. Are you really sure that you are not insecure about the porn use? If you are then talk to him about it. If you have a fear off lying then really stop using his phone and snooping he is entitled to his own privacy.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2017): Snooping is not good. You should examine why you would do that. Probably a little insecure in your relationship with him. Why?
One of the things that hurt a marriage is lack of communication. I don't mean "bring home some bread for dinner",ether. I mean sexual fantacies. We all have a face that we are afraid to show even to our partners.
I would wonder what the nature of the porn was. It might be some sort of kink that HE might be embarassed about. He should know that he can share this with you. He might have said that its to relieve stress because he is afraid to share this facet of his desires to you.
The best time to share (you too!),is during or right after some great sex. Start by telling him something about your own fantasy(s). Nothing big, you don't want to blow him away! Remember, this is a way to open a dialoug between you both. Just something like idk " I get wet thinking about....during the day". Then ask him if anything turns him on that hasn't told you about. Could even be he gets stoked by seeing girls in stocking and nothing else.
This is a start. It might take awhile or, he might feel comfortable enough to just blurt it right out.
Don't snoop. It can only damage your relationship if he finds out. But ask why he's doing this, not what and you will become closer than ever before.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2017): I think the underlying issue here is that you aren't fully comfortable with his porn use. And that is OK! That is more than OK! It seems that you feel you have to allow him this "Release" because he has a stressful life...while that is a kind thought, it is causing you emotional pain.
Why don't you have a talk that he can make love to you when feeling stressed, or have you beat him off?
You don't have to accept a man's porn use. It isn't really being faithful to the woman they are with (although this may take some explaining for him to see it this way, and everyone views it differently).
It's ok to not be ok with it and set boundaries where he tries to stop using.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (10 March 2017):
Question...Do you thing his hand has more power to relieve his stress than you?
Do you think your vagina looks like or feels like HIS hand?
Sure...masturbation is an easy and lazy way to get one off.
Be we all know what happens when things come too easy.
I am sure he did get those three businesses the easy or lazy way. I am sure he is not stressed out because he is lazy at his job, or things are too easy.
But when it comes you, and what you have to offer him as a wife....really?
So here is what you do... he comes home stressed out...you whip it out, and get yours. Don't even ask...after all, it's yours. :))) Go to his job, get him alone, lock the door, and rock his world.
Without stress...He can focus on sucsex...I mean success.
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (10 March 2017):
 Some men feel that the porn usage is either too much or inappropriate in other ways so they delete history as way to start clean. It's an internal way of staying away from something that addictive. Your man could be this type. Knowing that he may have turned the leaf, your man may not have wanted to even acknowledge it. So just let it go.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 March 2017):
 Stop using his mobile. As you run your own business, surely you must have your own mobile?
Why are you checking up on him? You say you have no problem with him using porn to masturbate so why are you checking up on him?
We all have things we don't wish to share. Give the poor man some privacy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2017): Maybe reading the cheating section on this site will help you stop feeling jealous about him doing it with porn. Masturbation is a very private and embarrassing act. Let's face it sex is different masturbation is different. It's done for physical pleasure alone, with no emotions and attraction what so ever. Let him be. He's just being decent and finding it hard to admit to you when he last pleasured himself. He obviously wants to only share love making with you, not his sleazy masturbation details.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 March 2017):
 The short answer is YES, you should let it go. Whether it's on the PC or a tablet or on a phone, a tool is a tool, so it doesn't matter where porn is viewed, only *that* it's viewed and that it's the legal kind, as opposed to child porn or snuff films and such.
As far as his "white lie" is concerned, while I don't hold to lying, you might not realize it, but you're telling them too, even to us right here.. Why would you need to use HIS phone for "internet searches" when you have your own phone plus most likely a PC and/or a tablet. You're on HIS phone because you are snooping on him. You can't tell me you haven't looked through his texts or his calls, because you're looking at what HE has searched rather than doing your own searches.
The other lie you told is - if you're okay with his porn usage, then why would you be asking him the last time he's masturbated? It's an embarrassing question, and to a guy, that's one of those "entrapment" questions that go along with "Do I look fat in these jeans" or "Is she prettier than I am?" or "Do you like my hair cut shorter?" No matter how it's answered, they lose.
You both tell white lies to each other in this department. You can't say that you're okay with porn, yet in the same breath call it "inappropriate" where he does it. You can't own a cell phone and computer, yet his phone is the super phone for "internet searches" where what you're actually doing is snooping at HIS searches. You blaming PTSD is also a white lie. You don't trust him, and that's not PTSD...that's your insecurity.
So let it go and strive to BE as honest as you want him to be, because you checking up on him in the name of "PTSD" and "using his phone for your internet searches" are white lies you're justifying. He's dodging an entrapment question about the last time he masturbated, and honestly, if you are ACTUALLY telling the truth about being okay with porn, it wouldn't matter when the last time he masturbated was, right? He could have rubbed one off really quick in the bathroom! At least he's not having a quickie with another woman in his car at lunchtime.
So, since we're talking about honesty here, it's time to see some from you on here. Why are you REALLY snooping on him? Why aren't you trusting him?? He runs three businesses, and from personal experience, the fact that someone's busy at work doesn't automatically make them a cheater. So why is this now a crisis for you? The HONEST answer now, since if deception triggers your PTSD, then self-deception should trigger it the most, and getting the truth out should be therapeutic for you, right?
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