A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am curious about this. It seems that to some women the worst sin a man can commit is looking at porn and I don't get it. They are just images on a screen of women he most likely will never meet or ever have a chance with. The chances of him actually cheating with these women is two million to one so why is this such an issue of contention?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): I know I'm about to start a s**t storm here, but I feel it has to be said. Why is it not a problem and only images when it's someone you don't know. But as soon as there is somebody like perhaps your daughter, sister, or maybe even a mother now it's a problem? If it's only images, then why is it shunned upon if it's somebody that's a close friend or loved one? It's all fantasy right? I can guarantee you that all those who don't have a problem would be singing a different tune if it was someone close to them. The reason behind it is because it's no longer fantasy it's someone I know and they are real. My whole point I'm making is porn has real people in them and they are family members to someone. So don't say it's okay it's fantasy and harmless. If that was the case you wouldn't have a stroke if you're 18 year old daughter/sister decided to do it because again it's just harmless! The next time you decided to wank it to porn think about that little Tad bit of info and see if you have the same attitude. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): I'm a woman in my mid-twenties and I might be a lone voice here. I like visual porn a lot more than my partner does. He prefers reading erotic stories.I have a high sex drive- masturbating at least twice a day (unless I get some that day. No complaints about sex with my partner but let's be real, we're not going to be having sex an average of 14 times a week indefinitely.I wouldn't have a problem with my boyfriend looking at naked women per se. But I do have a problem with some of the concepts in the videos. I find most of it glorifies violence, degradation, humiliation and dominance of the women which is distasteful. For this reason, I find it hard to understand how these concepts can turn a man who respects me as a woman on. I find the violent and degrading nature of most porn irreconcilable with a man who sees me as his equal sexually. To give a bit of context, I'm bi and I prefer to watch lesbian porn. That's more equal and I find women are more beautiful IMO. On the rare occasion I do watch straight porn but I always like it 'soft.'My bf knows my porn preferences and I his. We accept that they are fantasies and I'm not hugely bothered about him watching it if he wanted to. If it is degrading I would rather he deleted it after watching it so that I don't stumble upon it. More or less the same principle as going to the toilet, if you need to do a shit please flush afterwards. We both know you've done it but I don't really want to walk in and see it in detail.But I suppose it's about communication right at the start of the relationship.Understand each other's needs, establish boundaries learn to tolerate even if you don't necessarily approve. As long as the porn actors are technically consenting adults then I say each to their own. Just love my body, my intellect and treat me with respect and we're fine. Fantasies are just that - fantasies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): O, that's just funny about mothers teaching their sons about sex. My boyfriend told me it was the most embarrassing memory for him, when his hippy mother was trying to have sex talk with him. Some boys, actually majority will close their ears and making bla- bla sound will run out of the room as soon as this conversation starts. Someone said here that boys learn trick from porn and we find it really silly and not pleasurable at all. That's very true. I ve been with couple of those porn watchers, and all I thought while having sex with them was, what the hell he is doing? I think the best approach for young boys would be to have few older women who are not affraid to say what they want. This is what my boyfriend did, without aim, just happened, and I couldn't wish for better lover. As far as porn watching, I don't mind it if it's in moderation and is not used instead of sex with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): I already responded to this, but I'll put my two-cents in on the type of women who are actually in porn, since I'm a former porn star. The women in porn generally fake the experience, giving the director everything he expects, thus, these women are not enthusiastic about the degradation they experience in front of the camera. I did not meet a single woman in porn that was forced into it. However, nearly every woman in porn was mistreated by a man in their youth or currently in a toxic relationship or sexually harassed in a previous workplace (or all of the above). They have no self-esteem, and through their life experiences thus far, they believe that the world values them most for their sex, hence why they sell themselves. They are not diseased, like most people would think. Rigorous STD testing is required before you even show up on set. The women who do more extreme acts like anal and dp, on some level, do actually enjoy the sensation, though most women in porn (and in real life) don't; it's an oddity - even in that industry. Any of the women who enjoy physical abuse of any kind in a scene had serious psychological problems, and usually were in a toxic relationship where that behavior was the norm. Most of the women there are just lost, desperate to make money and willing to do whatever it takes to make ends meet. Some of them have high hopes of stardom. Nearly all of them that have been there for a year or more had some sort of physical alteration: vaginal enhancement, breast implants, ass bleaching, permanent hair removal; after all, it's a tax write-off. A few of the women, generally the ones who own their own company, are more well-adjusted than most, conducting an otherwise "normal life" outside of their persona, some even having families. Most, however, have no love in their life; if they did, they wouldn't be there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): You know there's one part of the porn argument I'll never get and that's how mothers allow their sons to grow up with such a skewed version of sexuality.
I mean I see that all the time from right wing feminist sources that porn ruins men's expectations of sex and stuff.
Well guess what ladies, you're supposed to teach your son how to be a good man in all ways. If your son's only source of sexual education is porn then that's your failure.
You're the one letting porn raise your son sexually, and essentially that's like letting them learn how to resolve conflict by watching Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.
My mother had no problem in openly discussing what is what when it comes to relationships with women and sex. She's the one who taught me when it came to women the greatest tool a man can have is the ability to give great head and enjoy the hell of out it.
Like most guys I've been watching porn, or blue movies on TV or masturbating to playboy since I was a teen. But I have a very pro-active mother who always wanted to empower me with the best tools in life, and that included how to satisfy a woman.
You want your son to grow up thinking that women want to spat on while you pull their hair, then keep your head in the sand and let porn or their schools very rudimentary system be their only source of sex ed.
When I have kids I will give even my daughters the sexual know how for them to be safe an happy. I've already discussed with my fiancée how we'll approach that and we both are very okay with openly discussing good sex with them.
Blame porn all you want for men's expectations but it's not going to fix the fact that we still find sex such a dirty shameful, embarrassing act that mother's are too afraid to tell their son how a woman likes to be touched or the profound benefits of giving them a hell of a lot of great head, very often.
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male
reader, fzald  +, writes (17 April 2013):
I think a lot of the comments on here are pretty interesting.My perspective from that of a male, as has been said, is that women tend to be very insecure when they like someone. No matter how much girls may have gained power in relationships, they are still inherently afraid that their guys might cheat, break up with them, and move on without a second thought. (Honestly, with as often as you hear about it happening, this fear isn't even unreasonable.)If we talk biologically, porn can serve a very interesting purpose. Human beings are wired biologically to reproduce with many different people; monogamy is something we invented for our species socially. For some guys, using porn - which means seeing many different girls - is more than enough to satisfy this desire to "diversify the gene pool." Other guys may choose to deal with these urges by cheating. Given the choice between the two, I'm sure most people would choose to have their partner watch porn rather than cheat.Porn viewing can of course get out of hand. Sometimes your average sexually-deprived teen gets into porn - and then gets WAY TOO into porn. Suddenly, they can't perform with a real person well if at all, but they do excellent and are in total control with the porn. This is another reason women feel really insecure. Women do want to please their men, and when a man is more pleased by porn, it's a slap in the face - she will start wondering what she is personally doing wrong (when it might not be her at all.)The key points here are that porn is not inherently bad, as long as it's used properly and in moderation. Just like any other potentially addictive item, porn use can get out of hand, which is a totally different problem. But with respect to women, the best idea is to sit down and have a talk with your girl, and explain that not only is porn in no way a stab at them, but that maybe she could even get into it with you. This might be really hard for girls to even imagine, but those who can will often find the value in porn themselves! I've heard of many a couple who enjoy watching porn together, and work it in as part of their foreplay. These couples also tend to have great sex lives and a much lower incidence of cheating.Good luck!F
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (17 April 2013):
I think a lot of good comments have already been posted. So I just wanted to add the fact that sometimes it's not that the porn is a problem - it's the fact that it's being hidden. The most frustrating thing I found was that when my boyfriend was watching porn, when I started coming into the room, there would be a frantic closing of windows and then he'd pretend to be doing something else. At first I didn't even know it was porn, I just knew he had something to hide. And that made me paranoid. The hiding and the lying can be a huge issue.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): It has nothing to do with women's insecuriities. Then every request that one person have of another can be called insecurity. I ask my husband to free a weekend for me, so we can spend time together, now I m needy and insecure? I have nothing against porn, and watch myself sometimes. But I do mind to have it on during sex, and my previous boyfriend exactly did that. He especially liked group sex, somewhat very ruff and violent. For him it was not like a sneeze or immediate relief. For him it was actually a turn on. It came to the point that he couldn't have sex anymore without a video on. Also how he acted in bed changed. He knew very well that I don't like aggressive sex and this is exactly what he did. Anal sex for him became his priority despite the fact that I repetedly refused it. I don't know if I can blame it all on porn, but some portion yes. I know all men masturbate, again I understand if it's used ony for immediate relief, and nothing sexual behind it, but when it starts to interfere with my sex life, this is when I oppose. Especially when men become older, their performance goes down somewhat, and some men masturbate much more than they actually having sex with their partner. In my mind, it's not healthy for a relationship in this case.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): Why you ask?Because porn has become a real problem for way too many men. They are now getting their sex education from it as boy, and when it comes time to be with a real women, they don't understand why it doesn't work out the way they have been viewing. To some women it's a insecurity about the fake women in porn and not being able to live up to what you find so appealing unless we have a whole lot of cash for all that plastic surgery. For crap sake, there are some porn skanks who are having their vagina's altered to look a certain way. Who the hell decided what this certain way is supposed to look like? Along with breasts...it's out of hand and ridiculous. For other women, it's not as much about the other women as it is that you are viewing another women for your own sexual gratification. Real women (most) do not wish to be degraded, have a man's penis shoved down their throat and forced to gag. Women do not want to have cum shot all over their face. Women do not find being choked or having a guys hand or fingers shoved in their mouths much of a turn on. Guys think anal intercourse happens just like vaginal intercourse. Guys think women can simultaneously cum with them. Men think women should all be moaning and groaning and screaming (extremely annoying to hear in porn imo) during sex. It goes on and on with all the things you guys see and how disturbing it is when you are turned on by the terrible things men do to these women. It's disturbing to know how many older men are viewing teen girls and young adult girls. Men are missing out on what real intimacy can be and how gratifying making love can be with a women because they are overstimulated with fake and far from realistic sex with an actual partner. Women need to feel safe and trust their partners to lose their inibitions and feel free to explore and try new things when they know full well where many men's idea of exploration is coming from. It's a huge turn off, not a turn on. I read this article about this group of men that were asked to continue viewing their porn and the sex they were having with their partner for a month as usual. Then they were asked to completely stop from watching any form of porn, magazines, etc. and only have sex with their partners and no visual stimulous during masturbation the next month. Every single man reported that their sex was better, their orgasms were better, they found themselves mentally visualizing something they did with their partner while masturbating, etc. and it took that experiment for them to actually realize how viewing porn was affecting them physically and mentally. All the men in the study were in committed relationships. The study was not done with single men.And then there is the part where these men are viewing so much porn and jerking off to it, that when they are with a real women, they can't hold an erection.Men do not think about where these porn stars actually come from (usually not until they have a daughter around the same age). Of course they do not. They are someone's daughter who has been sexually/physically abused or abandoned as a child. They have been drugged and or kidnapped and forced to make these videos. They have had such a horrible upbringing, this was a solution to get attention any way they can. These women are so damaged, they have been convinced that the more shock value acts they perform, they better they are. They are diseased, they are fake. They are a lot of things real women are not, so it's hard for us to understand why you want THAT to jerk off to instead of being with the women you love.And why do we have so many young men, who should physically be in the sexual prime dealing with Erectile Disfunction now? It's a no brainer...porn. Simple fix, but the guy will not admit to it, or are in complete denial that the over porn viewing is the problem. But not to worry, there is a pill for that! Why do we have so many men who are more comfortable sitting at home jerking off in front of their computer screen or phone then getting out and meeting real women? People are becoming incredibly socially inept and don't even know how to court anymore.Why do we have so many men falling into porn addiction? Why do we have so many men, who have nothing better to do with their free time and are willing to screw up their relationships, over porn? Seriously? Why do so many men knowing full well that their partner is against porn in the relationship continue to do it anyway? When you hold porn a higher priority over what is right in front of you, there is a problem. A very big one.The best thing a man can do is be open and honest about how they like porn and where it fits in their lives when they are entering into a relationship. If their partner has no problem with it, then you are good to go. But when a man has been clearly told how their partner feels about it and why they can't deal with it, it's then time for you as the man, to make a decision. Do you care or love this person enough to focus on them and let it go? Are you mature enough to offer a compromise? Can you promise to not let it interfere with your relationship? Do you think that hiding it in hopes of not getting caught is the best solution? All these things start to snowball and bottom line, porn does, and has, ruined so many relationships. If a man cannot see what the big deal is, or don't care, stay single, live alone and you can have an entire life of porn if it's that important to you. There is no women who can disagree with that! Porn is not going anywhere anytime soon and will always be accessible...not so much for real women and real relationships. It's a choice. A guy just has to decide what's more important when they want to be with a women who does not view porn the same as they do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): Well, as a woman, I think Tisha said it best. I completely agree with her. Having said that I'll give my own point of view. I used to hate porn when I was in my last relationship. I don't know why, it just made me feel insecure and ugly. Maybe I know why... it wasn't the best relationship actually, and that had nothing to do with porn. My ex put me down constantly for practically everything (even sex oe my body). I was dead insecure and I guess porn was the most 'concrete' thing to blame. Now that was just my relationship and not all women who feel insecure have an abusive partner, but I do think it's easy for us to blame the porn when there might be another relationship issue causing the insecurity, which might not even be sexually related. Some other women will just never like it and that's ok too. Then you just have to reach a compromise. For me in that last relationship was that I didn't want to run into any of it, I knew he did it but I just really needed him to be discreet. I don't know why but that helped. My advice for guys though is that, same as we women have to let go of the Prince Charming fantasy, let go of the thought that everything they show in porn is hot and pleasurable. My ex took a lot of ideas from porn and a lot of them actually hurt, the other thing is sometimes sex felt really mechanical and boring like it came straight out of a regular porn. There are many sex blogs made by both real men and women where you can get great ideas and tips and maybe even better quality porn, too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): I personally don't have a problem with it. I know my partner watched it by himself, we watched it together and I watched it by myself when I was a curious teenager but I grew out of it. Maybe thats the problem men they don't ever really grow up.For men is a physical thing, women its emotional. I have always been easy going about it till after having my second child I was still over weight and self conscious. I was devastated when I found out he had watched it while I was unable to "perform". I fact he needed to look at a slim big breasted women while I was like this hurt me badly.But now I'm back to my little skinny jeans again and my insecurities are gone I feel ok with it. That's why I can completely understand why it can be so hurtful to women.Also it isn't that fact you might seek out this porn star and sleep with her. The problem is the fact you need someone else (be it visually or physically) in your life to satisfy your needs. That's what women have a problem with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): Oh and I forgot to mention OP.
Women cannot for the life of them understand the difference between sex and masturbation for us guys and they never will. Just like we'll never understand the menstrual cycle as anything other than a bloody mess and moody woman.
They don't masturbate the same way, they have a different set of needs and they'll never understand how masturbation isn't even sexual for us guys in any way, it's just a quick release like a sneeze. You get a tickle in your nose, so you sneeze, done. Women don't understand how masturbation can be completely non-sexual to us. So they always think we're choosing to be sexual to something other than them. When we're not, it's about as sexual to us as taking a badly needed piss. Women have no concept of how that can be the case, because even for a quickie orgasm with a vibe it's always sexual. Although my fiancée uses a combination of porn and her vibe for masturbation and can wank the same as a man in the respect of not even thinking sexually, just getting the release.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): Women are very insecure, competitive and want to control the sexuality of their boyfriends in the hope that she'll be the only woman he every finds sexually attractive ever again.
Well that's the anti-porn crowd anyway. All the women I've dated either didn't give a crap about porn or used it too.
You see OP, if you use as much porn as me and my fiancée do you know that very few men like the 'hot barely legal teen chicks banging big studs' kind of crap anymore.
The 'homemade' 'webcam' genres are the most popular amongst adult users now because people like watching real people having real sex and it's only really the porn hobbyists and teenagers who buy into the whole corporate produced stuff anymore. That is still big business of course.
Most people are either sexting or recording their own stuff, or having sex on webcams now for others to enjoy these days and frankly that's made porn far more accessible to women too, and that's probably why porn is growing ever more popular with teen girls and young women. I mean I follow tonnes of them on twitter because I teach in their school, twitter is an amazing resource to get to know the the kids outside of school, if I know what makes them tick, the type of person they are I can better get through to them to learn what I want them to learn, my point is OP, you look on any of their tumblrs and about 90% of them have erotica or porn on theirs, this is girls by the way.
Yet women who don't use porn, who don't know anything about but the anti-porn opinions and their own limited usage see it as some seedy sleazy thing, which is strange because it's just sex at the end of the day and sex is not some morally corrupt action.
Look it all boils down to a simple matter of power. For almost the entirety of our history and still the case for about 6 billion people in the world still, we men have controlled everything about a woman's sexuality, now that they've been liberated in the West sexually they're trying to turn the tables to control ours, through emotional blackmail, feigning insecurity etc. It's not our fault they're so painfully insecure with a self image so poor that they think they're less of a woman if we con't find only them attractive, but they'll still try and use that against us.
Simple matter of domination and control, we had it, now they want it. Porn is just an easy tool to gain that.
Because you an I know OP and most women do too, if it isn't porn then we'll wank to a sex scene in a regular movie, if we're not allowed do that we'll get one of their judgemental magazines of insecure celebs to masturbate over the latest bikini collections, if we're not allowed do that then we'll just imagine their hot sister or their even their mother.
I wouldn't worry about it OP, just make sure you keep your porn use always hidden and never expose them to it.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/porn-discretion-for-men-how-to-prevent-porn.html
You'll never convince a woman who doesn't like it to change her views any more than you can convince a woman she's not fat. They're allowed have their preferences and they're allowed not to have porn in their lives too. But they're not allowed to control our sexualities the way they want to. If they try, dump them. Control, domination and sexual monopoly, that's why OP. No other reason no matter what they try to tell you.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 April 2013):
 Spoken like a true man. Wish I'd said this, myself.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): I don't think women are concerned that their man will actually cheat with a porn star. I think the reason why they are so upset about men watching porn is because they feel like they're compared to them in bed, by the way they look to the way they act. Porn prepares men to fantasize about women in a particular way, a more lustful than loving way. Suddenly, many of men think that all sex should be that energetic, dirty, lustful. That, in turn, puts pressure on women to perform that way for their men, instead of just being themselves. It's a loss of identity and intimacy when sex turns into a performance. Women also feel like they have expectations to fulfill in the performance of sex, and/or in the way they look (plastic surgery, waxing, etc.) For many of them, it turns into a catch-22 situation, where they have to perform this way to make a man happy (which doesn't make them happy), or be themselves in bed (which doesn't live up to the man's fantasy). Most women who experience these feelings about porn have never been given a chance to explore their own sexuality without having a pressure of comparison. Ultimately, I think women would be more open getting more kinky with their partner if their partner allowed them to try new things, as if it was something they shared, rather than something he saw in a porn that he wants to try. It's a little bit of a power play, in that sense. The allure of porn stems from the attraction that men have to sexually liberated women, that they're not finding in their partners. What most men don't understand is that they can find exactly what their fantasizing about with their partners, if only they took the time to explore those sexual experiences in real life than by voyeurism.
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female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (17 April 2013):
To add on what Tisha-1 has said, it also becomes an issue when the guy cant do without porn. How do you think a lady feels when she has failed to turn on her man but he gets so aroused by looking at porn? How do you think she feels when he cant get hard trying to have sex with her but has no problems masturbating?
I personally have no issues with porn as long as it doesnt get out of control to ruin relationships and make the women in those relationships feel inadequate.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 April 2013):
 Some women continually compare themselves to other women. So their man watching porn makes them feel that they are being compared to the sexpot in the porn video, and most of them will not ever be able to look like a porn star.
I know this is a guy thing, that you won't be able to understand, but basically, a man watching porn really pushes on the insecurity and fear buttons of many women.
We are told that it's just images on a screen for the guy but we have our own reactions to the images on the screen, and for some, it isn't a good feeling.
Another factor is that we want to admire and respect our men, and the idea that he's searching for 'hot barely legal teen chicks banging big studs' doesn't exactly fit into the idea of what Prince Charming would be doing. Prince Charming would be longingly thinking of his Cinderella, not googling 'big tits and cheap sluts.' It kind of takes him down a notch in the whole admirable thing, ya know?
Have you taken a look at this website? http://yourbrainonporn.com Take a look, it's pretty interesting data.
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female
reader, HeresBoo  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 Some women see it as disgusting to watch something something that should be intimate, and it's not a sexy depiction of sex. A lot of women dislike it because it brings up the issue of 'can I live up to that?' And generally the answer is no due to lack of confidence etc.Women are mentally stimulated and men are visually stimulated so women will tend to read something rather than watch, whereas men are the opposite. I think a lot of women also love the idea of sex being romantic and sensual and unfortunately the porn industry isn't like that. It's not artistic and gorgeous like A grade movies with romantic scenes that we long for.I personally don't really have a problem with porn, I'd just rather he come up and ask me for sex or a costume or whatever he's searching for so I can try and be what he wants. I tried to tach it with him once but it's just like a video camera in a lounge room, not so appealing to me haha so maybe other girls feel like I do, that the quality cheapens the sex in it
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