A
male
age
36-40,
*illaDreams
writes:Please take the time to read this, I know it is long but it's important to my relationshipOk well where do I start... I'm sorry if bits and pieces of this don't make sense, but bear with me, I am writing this as she is leaving the house because of something that I didMe and my fiance (well ex fiance if things don't get sorted out soon) have been dating for almost 3 months. She's moved in with me and my parents until we can find a place of our own, I sold my DREAM CAR, a 2002 Pontiac Trans Am WS6, for a 2006 Chevy Equinox LT suv, I bought her a phone because she would have had no way of contacting me and I've bought her a whole new wardrobe from victorias secret, maurices, american eagle, etc... but, just recently in the past few weeks I've been "iffy" about some things in our relationship and I've been "checking up" on her myspace, hotornot, wouldyouhitthis, and her cell phone.(I know that this is wrong of me to do and I feel/felt horrible for doing it)I found one message from a guy saying how he can't wait to cuddle with her and give her kisses (I had let her stay the night at his house before, cuz according to her "we're good friends and nothing would ever happen cuz we've know each other too long, and there's no physical attraction") so that text message freaked me out and made me think "could she be cheating on me" even though deep down inside I knew for a fact that she wasn't and she had also put some revealing pictures on her websites and I had seen them by logging in under her accounts...So anyways me being dumb calls this guy that texted her this and talks to him and explains the whole situation with him and he get's freaked out and pretends like he doesn't know "who i am" and he had said he didn't know about any of this and he's sorry. About an hour later she starts yelling from upstairs "WE NEED TO TALK GET UP HERE NOW" so of course I knew what was happening and that he had called so I immediately started with, "it was wrong of me to call Mike and to go through your things"She's starts saying "I've been in bad relationships before. I'm not stupid and I knew you were going through my things" I put those pictures on my site cuz I knew you were on there looking and I wanted to see if you would say anything about them, and those texts he was sending me... I had him send them to test you, to see if I could trust you with not going through my things and you F'd up big time"She then threw her ring at me and said that "you don't love me cuz if you did you would trust me and don't even say that you do cuz if you did you wouldn't look through my things, it was all a test, and the jokes on you, you messed up not me so be happy with yourself..."so I think that this is enough information to be giving all of you now...Any advice on gaining her trust back and me not losing the woman that I'M IN LOVE WITH, and want to marry and have a family??If anyone would like more information private message methank you
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female
reader, neverguesswho +, writes (18 June 2008):
I agree with everyone here. You seemed to give her the world and she walked all overn you. This is more than a trust issue, it's a consideration issue. She shouldn't have walked out if there was really nothing going on
A
male
reader, romanticlover  +, writes (9 July 2007):
 to be honest you dont need a woman like that . if a woman who you are in a relationship with just sets up some stupid little test like that it means one thing but trouble my advice would be to move on and find a woman that truly loves you and gives you the respect you deserve and you show the same amount of respect back.
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A
female
reader, rambini +, writes (9 July 2007):
 no one who loved u enuf to marry u wud play stupid mind games like this. i am convinced that if u had suggestive txts or pics on net 4 all 2 c she wud have words 2 say! the fact that it bothers u shows u care, and b4 marriage it is natural to want to be sure u can trust them. she is blatantly cheating and was lookin 4 a way out as no1 wud go to those lengths to test sum1. besides she is rantin on bout u not trustin her, but 4 her to test u in the first place she obvi doesnt trust u! u wud b better 2let her walk, n find sum1 who deserves ur love and trust. good luck x x
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (9 July 2007):
Testing someone like she claims is stupid. But, I don't belive her. She didn't do those things to test you at all. She is lying and lying to cover her deception. She thought the best defense was to fly into attack as soon as you came home and it worked. My dear, she has used you. Someone that loved you would not want you to sell your precious car to buy her things that she does not need. Precious cars get sold for down-payments on new homes, and other serious stuff, not for treats. It is tempting to say a whole lot more about this lady, which you wouldn't want to hear because you love her. You made a big mistake in her. Please, ask her to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007): Dating her for three months and then she moves in with you is a VERY short amount of time to really get to know someone, let alone move into your home and get engaged!!
I'm afraid you're finding out what sort of woman she really is.
She was clearly cheating on you with this other man, and sounds as if she was not being honest with him, either. She then tries to blame you by coming up with a whole bunch of nonsense about "tests." Quite honestly, I'd drop her as if she were a live coal! She's not worthy of you.
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A
female
reader, queenS  +, writes (9 July 2007):
my advice dump her she is not worthy of you. she is a liar and a cheat the sooner you get rid of her the sooner you will start to heal.
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A
male
reader, mesoreal +, writes (9 July 2007):
 She is blaming you for her cheating. Nobody goes to this much trouble to 'test' anyone unless they are very mean. Dump her either way
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007): Hey,A test? Why did she feel the need? What did she expect you to do!!!! Staying at the other guys house, revealing pictures! You are only human, nobody wants to get hurt.You obviously care about this girl and any hint of cheating of course you are going to take seriously, you were just protecting yourself from future heartbreak. Perhaps yes you should have confronted her face to face earlier but surely that would have led to the same argument. I would let her cool down for a day or 2 and try and speak to her again, i've just broke up with the girl of my dreams and i know messages of 'move on' etc are just immpossible at this stage. Personally, i dont think you were played (surely no girl is that cold!) I think if she was willing to marry you and move in with you then she must have strong feelings, and these wont dissapear overnight. Give her a bit of space and speak to her when the storm passes.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 July 2007):
 Frankly, I don't believe her. I think you were played, man. I don't believe there is anything in the world that will make her return to you. I think you should move on.As a principle, you should respect another person's privacy. So, logging into her accounts was wrong. However, I just wonder how you got the passwords to those sites. If you got them from her, well, it's like she gave you permission to log in, and then she shouldn't be upset. If you didn't get those passwords from her, well, man, she has a point.However, you don't explain what made you check into her things. Obviously that's one thing you do when you're insecure, but I'm sure there must have been a reason. I wonder what the reason was.It seems to me that you're very much desperate about getting love, and you gave everything yours to get someone to love you. This is not the way to go. Women don't like needy men. If you want someone to love you, you don't need to shower her with presents and give up all you have; you just need to be yourself and stand on your own feet.You mention the option of discussing this in private. I invite you to. I think you need the conversation but not public embarrasment.
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A
female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (9 July 2007):
 It seems that FROM THE start you gave up a lot of meaningful things to you for this woman and you dont even know her a full year yet. Letting her move in, giving her a cell phone and a lot of clothes...you basically gave her everything she needed but got nothing in return except her love. Was she even grateful?
Anyway, when a woman is in a relationship THERE IS NO NEED for her to stay at another man's house. Period. I dont care how good of friends she is with that man. You are her priority not some other guy friend. Were you two engaged at tis point with the ring on her finger and her going to stay at this guy's place? Immediately that is a trust AND relationship breaker in my opinion. And for her to come into YOUR parents house and to talk to you in such a way, screaming at you and what you need to do?!! NO WAY.
I know you may love her but such behavior is not tolerable. You had all rights to be suspicious. True, it would have been better if you talked to her instead of going through her things HOWEVER, as a promised woman staying at another guys house OVER NITE?!?! Please. What man doesnt have the ideas going thru his mind of sex going on. Keep the ring she gave back to you, request she gives back the cell phone and the clothes and get her out your house. What is to stop her from going to her guy friend's house again when you are married. As a couple you should have couple friends. When you are married you have married friends. A woman with a boyfriend going to see a guy-friend...it should be done as a couple and you know exactly who this guy is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007): Don't feel too bad. I mean, we are all human and curious creatures. I bet she'd do the same if given the opportunity. Anyhow, it is wrong to snoop, but I don't believe for one second that she set you up ... sounds like the perfect excuse to shift blame. She sounds guilty to me. But in the future I hope you can trust someone enough not to snoop and spy. You'll know when you've found that person because your gut will tell you the truth and you won't feel the need to snoop. Good luck!
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