A
male
age
41-50,
*eautifulsoul
writes:i am a 25 year old single, never been married before man. i am currently involved in a social/physical realtionship with a 38 year old married woman with 2 kids ( 8 and 15 ). we will have been together for nearly 3 years at the end of this year. her kids are huge fans of mine, they adore me, buy me things, think about me, ask me for help, they do so many things for me, with me, its fantastic. i know her marriage is a bad one, because not only what she says, but what her kids tell me as well. her kids, dont know that we are lovers. as far as they both know, we are very very good friends and do everything together. her kids are very smart..which leads me to believe about her eldest which is a boy.i think he thinks something, but doesnt really care because how happy i made his mom, and how much fun she has when she is with me. but i could be wrong. anyways, this relationship, very few people know about, a couple of my very good friends, and her best friend, who is also a good friend of mine. we all pretty much met at the same time. like i said, her kids totally side with her, in anything that happens. The guy ( husband) asks questins alot to the little one ( a girl) because i guess he thinks he can get information outta her. but she always thinks of her mom first, and sides her way when it comes to me. i have totally won over the hearts of her kids, and i actually, love them too even tho they arent mine. just to give u this piece of information, the son at one point said, "mom , i think he is a good man for you" and also, " i would be totally ok if you married him". I will call her Sandy for confidental reasons. sandy, at first, didnt want to appear in public too often with me during the first year. but since then, we go everywhere together, with, or without the kids. 95% of the time, when im with her, the kids are there too. we go anywhere, from shopping malls, fast food joints, resturants, out of town, and large crowd gatherings such as flea markets, public pools. but just to let you know, when her kids are around....of course, we are only good friends. But she totally takes advantage "nearly" every chance she has to express her love to me, be it kiss, wink, blowkiss,casual hug, or any touching of the body. i find it amazing she does these things, with the risk. she took my virginity 5 months after we met. there is so much detail on what let up to that point, but i wanna say, it was certainly not rushed, but was desired by both. I had to leave the country for awhile do to an emergency,and i wasent sure when i was coming back, but i "planned" on coming back in 1 year, or year and a half, at most. we talked nearly every weeknight for hours ( i would call her via voip )when i came back 4 months later ( she knew i was coming back ) and to my surprise when i arrived in my hometown, i was expecting my sister to pickup me up, but it was her! So she takes me back to my sisters for which i planned on residing for awhile, talked, then of course, we made sweet love. i would also like to add, that she has never felt an orgasm before untill she was with me, and i believe her for many reasons, she says she has talked about it with other people, and they say " yep, that is an orgasm!" so i am very happy about that. everynow and then, we have off periods of the sex part, which is totally ok with me. So now time to spill the beans. i love this woman very much, and i "know" she loves me very much, i have done things for her that nobody has ever done for her. im talking serious romantic things, as i am very romantic. i beleive, that in this type of relationship, its very easy for the person who is married, to prove and show love towards the one who is not. because the person who has something to lose ( in this case her ) has rules and boundries,, which i have followed to a "T" with no problem this whole time. somebody like me, in my situation, can only proove things when they are together with the other. does this make sense? She calls me, i dont call her. if i do call, i call her sons phone, but even there are rules in that, which i am ok with. this whole relationship has been fantastic, with no problems. i am not saying there wont be problems, but things have been great so far, for both of us. now that u guys know a majority of the story, i would like for you to understand one thing. i do believe something can happen with us, i do believe we have a future together. the only issue right now , which keeps us from not being together, is i do not make too much money compared to her husband. i probably bring in about 1/4 of what he makes, which is a big deal i know. 1000 to 4000 monthly. i truly believe, if money was not the obstacle, we would be together. the other day we sat down and talked for awhile, i kind of broke out a litle bit emotionally. she is fixed, and wants so bad to be unfixed, to have a baby with me. things dont look good for her getting unfixed, but she "thinks" that all men want their own baby. This is not the case for me, it doesnt matter to me whether or not i have a baby, as long as i am with her, she is my baby. sometimes she refuses to believe that i dont want my own, but i can promise that on my life, that it doesnt matter to me either way, as long as im with her. she cries because she is so upset she got fixed years ago, cause she really wants a child with me, one that can contain both the qualities of her beauty and intelligence, to my good looks and intelligence. but i always tell her, and i do not get tired of telling her, baby or not, i love you the same, and i will treat your kids, as if they were my own. Its too bad she couldnt get into my mind about that part, cause i dont know how to proove to her that , its how i truly feel. this woman loves me alot, she puts a lot on the line for me, ALL the time. i know she loves me, and she knows i know she loves me. but, the problem is, she doesnt believe, that i love her the same way. i think she may understand, why i cant proove to her how much i love her, because i cant do what i want to do in public with her, at all times, anytime. I give her examples what i would do if there were no restrictions on the relationhip, and she understand, and i can tell she wants it so much. she often says, " sometimes i think im dreaming" "i dont want to wake up if it is a dream" the last awesome thing she told me was, "i love you my everthing, you are my life" now that you guys know a little bit about her, let me ask you this question. give me some examples of things i can do at this moment, in my situation, to prove as best i can, that i love her, like she loves me?I really appreciate anybody that has taken the time to read this, thank you.
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best friend, her ex, I love you, married woman, money, orgasm, period Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 April 2008):
 If I understand your post, you want us to suggest ways for you to prove to "Sandy" that you love her the same way she loves you. You won't like this, but I'm sure that a 38 year old woman is wise enough to know whether you love her or not, and it is very clear you do. In my opinion, if the only limiting factor is the money, all you need to do is work harder, to get it. And that would be it.
But I don't think this situation is that easy. To me, the real problem here is whether there can be a lasting relationship between a 25 year old man, who has no children, and a 38 year old woman who has two children of her own and can't have any more children, because she made a decision not to have them.
She is your senior for 13 years, which, believe it or not, is a lot, but as to stages of life she is way, way above you, and the difference is much larger than 13 years. You're sort of starting the real thing, while she is nearly finished raising her first child. She has been in a marriage for fifteen years, at least, which means she has experiences that you just don't have. And I don't mean sex only. Having children changes you. Being responsible for a household does, too. Being in a marriage, too. And age also brings a different perspective in life. If I were her, I would have the same doubts she has, and I just wouldn't be convinced by your word alone. That is because she knows better; she knows that you can change your mind later.
You come to us to ask for ways to prove your love, because you know your relationship has stalled, and you would it like it to continue moving. You want her to leave her husband and be with you. She says she won't because of financial reasons. That is to say, she won't leave him under the current circumstances. Money is important as a tool, as a way to get what you want, but I'm not sure money would be my biggest concern here. There are many things money is irrelevant for. I would be worried, for example, about a 25 year old man fathering a 15 year old. Frankly, I don't think you can do it. Love is not enough. What would you do if the guy were heavily into drugs? Or if he came to hate you? What if he ran away? I'm not sure whether a 17 year old (in two years) would like to be told what to do by a 27 year old. That would be a hell of a power struggle, and I think HE would be the pro.
I wonder if a 38 year old mom can really miss these points. I'm almost sure she hasn't.
But, I don't know what is on her mind. All I know is what you told us in your post. Maybe the relationship would indeed move to where you want if you had more money. If so, like I said, you would simply need to wait and work hard for the money. There's no need to prove anything; money is all you need.
I think some reflections are in order here.
You think that the children know about you and their mother, and that they prefer you over their father. I wouldn't be that sure. Whatever his failures, this man is their father. He has fed them and paid for their expenses all this time. Maybe it is the wife who keeps the home going, but he's been there, anyways. They have their entire lifetime of memories with him. Whatever his failures, he is still Daddy. Maybe the children like you as a friend, but they wouldn't like you once they knew you were sleeping with their mother. You need to notice that, when you're with them and their mother, you're only "good friends". That's because the mother, at the very least, won't admit to a relationship with you before her children. And she is wise in that.
You think that the man doesn't know about the relationship. Maybe; I have seen strange things happen. But, most likely, there is some "arrangement" going on here. I don't think he can miss the fact that you're always with her. I don't think she can sleep with you without having problems in bed with him. And so on. I think he has his own reasons to stay with her. I'm sure she doesn't love him, if she's been having an affair for three years now; but I can't be sure he doesn't love her, a brute as he could be. Brutes have feelings too. Or there's another reason. Who knows. Did you notice that he is saying he'll run off to Mexico "if" she leaves him? Does that sound like something a man who doesn't know a thing would say?
You sound to me as a very good man. But you're doing a very mean thing to this man: you're sleeping with his wife. This happiness you dream of would be the end of a marriage for another human being. Bear that in mind. You're helping wreck his life. He doesn't deserve it. And you're also helping wreck the life of those kids you love. You might think that the relationship was suffering anyways, long before you were around, but the thing is that you want their parents to divorce.
I'm afraid that this relationship is like a bubble that will burst sooner or later. If that happens, be wise enough to leave in silence. What's more, be wise now, and don't push. Let the woman make the decision about what she will do. Get yourself more money, yes, but don't expect her to just come to you as your earning power increases, because it would not be that simple.
I know you won't like this opinion, but, if I were you, I would just let her be. That's the way you can do the least damage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): I feel for you as I was in a similar situation at your age (I'm now 35). Trouble is it never went anywhere because when push came to shove the 'stability' of money and material won over love. It was a fantasy and the fact you use the word fairytale tells me you sense this is not built on solid foundations (certainly not yet). This may be the hardest thing for you right now but you need to buy yourself some space and time away from the situation as soon as you can. Can you find a reason to spend a month somewhere else? Work? Family? Make an excuse! You need to get some professional help to sort your own head out over this and talk face to face with a counsellor. I just don't think you realise what is happening as the things you express are built on emotion and not reality. Be peaceful, think, write down your thoughts, speak to people out of the context of this problem. There is so much at stake here and whatever anyone says...love does not conquer all. When things get really really tough it could break you. You also need to give your woman time to think and get her head around what is happening. You cannot go on for very long in this way. You can run from this situation but you cannot hide.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (2 April 2008):
 All I can advise you is to enjoy your fairy tale before your bubble burst.
She will go back to her husband and kids unless he does not want her.
All you can hope is that some day he will leave her one day or something happened to him.
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A
male
reader, beautifulsoul +, writes (2 April 2008):
beautifulsoul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your responses.
the husband doesnt suspect anything. i guess i should of been more clear about what he asks the little one. usually he will just ask where she has been, what she bought, and so on. it has never been anything more than that. sandy tells me everything, even if i dont wanna hear it. and there are 2 kids. boy @ 15, girl @ 8.
as far as the financial thing, she is aware of the money situation and we do talk about the money that will be involved in the court. things will only move on, once i advance up to better pay. eventually i will hit the 2000-2200 mark. i am only working part time, and the growth of the company gets raises often. i am only a new hire.
both her and i want the same things in the relationships, this i know to be true. the main reason she is worried, is because she is afraid, i may leave her for a younger girl, or if she is sick, gets older,looks different, like that. true beauty i believe, like many, comes from within, and i constantly remind her. she just doesnt want me to leave her , because i may want my own kids, or want more physical attraction.
back to the court thing, this guy is pretty lame. i call him a coward as does he. he knows, she doesnt like latino men, ( he is latino ) and she is intrested in whites, like me. she often tells him some day she is gonna get married to a white guy. the guy is very jelous, im sure you all know the overly jelous type. its ridiculous the type of things he says and does, not only to her, but to other people. nobody like him, not her family, not her friends. he is a mean guy. and he said, " i'll just run off to mexico if you decide to leave me, kids or not ". cause he doesnt want to see her with somebody else.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (2 April 2008):
 The one thing I agree with the most that Oldersister said, is that you are in wayyyyyyy over your head. The responsibility you say you want to take on is enormous. But if you must go forward I say the first thing you should do is get a much better paying career. And since one of her kids is old enough to take care of himself then she would work too. But, have you actually asked her to leave her husband? I just get such a bad feeling that she doesnt want the same things you do out of this relationship. I pray I am wrong seeing how much you love her and I hope I am for your sake. Be very careful and cautious and tread lightly my friend.
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