A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my wife for 9 years and in that time I have only been able to make her orgasm during sex a handful of times. She doesn't feel comfortable with oral (giving or receiving). I can make her cum by rubbing her clit, but she says that it gets really sensitive so she usually has me stop before she goes over the edge. I know this is not an unusual problem and that many women can't orgasm from penetrative sex. However, because she won't allow any other type of sex either it means she just does not have orgasms. I think that is a pretty sad way to go through life and it affect me, too, because she doesn't like having sex often with me as she doesn't get anything out of it. We talked about it and she says sex with me is "Fine" and that she doesn't have to orgasm to have fun, but she admits that sex with me just doesn't interest her. She has also said that having an orgasm is such a big effort for her it's not worth it. I know that in the past she had a lover who she said made her cum every single time from penetrative sex. She is too polite to say, but I imagine that he must just have been well endowed, because when I ask her what I can do to improve my technique she says it's fine. I would really like to improve our sex life. I know that she is orgasmic and can have orgasms, but not readily - at least not with me. I am willing to experiment to help her get off (example: I bought her a vibrator which sits in her drawer unused), but she insists that it's just the way she is and that sex and orgasms just aren't a big deal. This is so different from other girlfriends I had who loved having oral performed on them and who would make me give them many orgasms every which way. It makes me feel like less of a man that I cannot please my wife and I do feel like she's missing out but in denial about it in order to spare my feelings.What would you do if you were me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): Something just doesn't add up."I know that in the past she had a lover who she said made her cum every single time from penetrative sex. She is too polite to say, but I imagine that he must just have been well endowed, because when I ask her what I can do to improve my technique she says it's fine."The size of your penis has nothing to do with the ability of the woman to orgasm, with out without penetration, in my experience, and from talking to women I have known...who may have all been liars...for all I know.Agree with earlier poster, she sound distant and disinterested in sex for some reason.? History of rape, abuse, or neglect?See a counselor with her...you might get the story out then, but it may also be rather difficult for both of you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 January 2012):
 I get what your wife is saying... sex with my partner is FINE for me.. He cannot make me orgasm but then I don’t' think my orgasms are his responsibility... as far as I'm concerned... sex is about him being pleased because nothing he does will please me sexually...
It doesn't mean I don't love him...
It doesn't mean I don't want to have sex with him (for him)
I've actually asked him if we can just do blow jobs...it's easier than pretending.....
I hate that he feels so bad about it... just like you do...
His orgasm is not my responsibility.. I LOVE that I can provide it for him but it doesn't make me less of a woman if I can't.
just like you are not less of a man because you can't make her cum
I don't get why MEN are so WRAPPED UP in the NEED to make their partner achieve an orgasm. I mean it’s not your job to make sure I’m bathed and groomed properly… it’s not your job to make sure I exercise or eat well is it? Sure you care but when push comes to shove you have to let go of it… you can’t CONTROL another person….
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 January 2012):
 Do you guys have kids? Cause it could be, that her muscles aren't what they used to be "down there".
Also, getting her a vibrator I think is a good idea, depending on what kind you got. A huge 9 inch is flipping scary for many women for instance. There are smaller fingertip "buzzers" that you can use on her clitoris while having penetration from behind (think spooning). Look for toy that stimulate her clitoris not the vagina and I think you will have better luck.
Also you need to put in a LOT more foreplay. No matter how long you have known each other. Women usually take longer to "warm" up the older we get.
This could also be totally hormonal. Drop in Estrogen lowers libido. But unfortunately so does "boring" sex. Do you two have other problems that might spill over into the sex? Stress at work and home is another major libido dropper.
Maybe buy some nice massage oil and giver her a nice sensual massage (no sex unless she asks..) ( you can find tons of videos with instructions on the web.
She seems really not very comfortable talking about sex, which isn't uncommon, but saying sex is fine is a brush off so she doesn't have to talk about it any more (IMHO)
Take her out on date again. Kiss her like you did the first few months you knew her and walk away. Give her something to look forward to. :)
I would suggest you DO talk to her, if you do maybe do it in the bed room with the lights low/off and make sure you explain that you have needs too and one of them is to fulfill her needs. Don't let her brush you off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2012): Wow! How can she not like oral??? I loveeee that the most out of everything! Giving & recieving... Yeah, sounds like the intimacy is missing. I had that with my old failed marriage, sex became a chore... he got off and that was about it... I have a boyfriend now that really knows what to do in bed. Like posted previously, you need to be playful and build up the "want" Texting sexy things is fun also. a.k.a. sexting lol ;) Buy her some fun lingerie. Ask her to pull out the vibrator out of her drawer and use it together! Pull out some surprising things out of the hat.For instance: While at a birthday party at this hotel,my boyfriend pulled me into the bathroom and pulled up my skirt and gave me oral on top of the sink. I don't think I have ever been so turned on in my whole life!! I think you need to experiment and let her know how much you want her ;) Good luck to you!!
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A
female
reader, Soul Writer +, writes (9 January 2012):
 You might try again asking her what worked so well with her past lover. Orgasms are accomplished with sexual stimulation...AND often with a good connection between a couple. May I ask if there's anything troubling about your relationship besides this issue? It's also important for you to share YOUR feelings with her. Let her know how you feel...how you are struggling with the idea that you cannot satisfy her. Ask her what she likes and how she likes it. Orgasms occur differently with every woman. There really is no right or wrong way of doing it...just to adapt to that person's desires and needs. I understand your desire to improve your sex life, because it has many benefits in strengthening a relationship. Perhaps she is upset with herself that she isn't reaching "complete" in your love making. Talk, THEN act. Do not be discouraged just yet. Every problem has a solution...the key, is finding it. Best of luck to you.
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