A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just would like a little help to stop me obsessing so much about a guy I'm dating, I'm driving myself mad!I met him through an online dating site, this isnt the first time I've used online dating so I know what to expect. We had an amazing first date, and all the subsequent dates have been great. He would always send me the sweetest messages after the date and would frequently say how attractive/gorgeous I am etc. After the third date we hadnt made any real plans to see each other again but we always text daily. It came to last Thursday, during the day we had been texting like normal, everything was great. Then he didnt reply to any of my messages in the evening (only sent him 2, one was a reply to an earlier message), I was out with a friend so I didnt worry too much but I did want to know what he was doing on the Friday night as I wanted to see him and I had been asked by a friend to go out that night so I wanted to know what I was doing the next day. But no answer. So he texts me in the morning with no mention of what happened last night, I was a little annoyed so I didnt reply, he sends another message about half an hour later which I didnt reply to either. I was in meetings at work in all fairness so didnt have much time to reply. He sends a third message clearly worried if I had fallen out with him so I replied and said everything was fine, I thought there was no point in being silly about text messages. But from this point on everything changes - he calls me grumpy from that day forward, gone are the frequent texts or calling me gorgeous, he takes forever to reply to messages now, he is reluctant to organise dates etc. I asked him about this on Friday night - he was honest and said he had a big row on Thursday with his ex over money (she is living in the house he bought so there is a lot to sort out, they broke up in June). So I then got a bit paranoid about the whole ex thing and sent him a message voicing my concerns, he seemed to take offence to this and kept telling me I should trust my instincts and go out dating more people. I took that as basically him saying he didnt want to see me anymore so I went back on the dating site and have started being more active on there again, despite being rather cut up about the guy I liked. Anyway we kept texting occasionally, everything feeling weird and different, and to cut the story short he ended up telling me that he thought I didnt want to see him anymore because of that message - so clearly we both got the wrong end of the stick. I was very honest and told him how I felt about him, didnt really get much back on that so I feel a bit hurt I put myself on the line like that and didnt get anything back. He also said to me he is a very honest person and if he wasnt interested he would tell me, and I do believe him, he is a very straightforward guy. Fast forward to today - we are still texting, his texts are still weird, still calling me grumpy, still taking hours to respond to messages (even though he initiates all messages, I have backed off considerably as I'm worried he is losing interest). He does have type 1 diabetes and he is really run down at the moment due to work, so I know he is tired and not feeling his best. We went on date number 4 last night (he asked me out), had a nice time as always but this morning there was no nice message like he used to send after our dates. He has been in touch today, but another slightly off-ish message.I know I'm obsessing, I hate myself for it and if you look at the facts - he asked me out yesterday and we went on a date and he is still texting me, therefore most people would say he is interested and its all fine, he's probably just feeling ill and thats the reason behind the slight change in him. But this is the first guy I have liked in a very long time, due to my past (another very long story) I struggle to feel ANYTHING for anyone, so to start to get feelings again is a revelation to me. However now I have these feelings I feel sick all the time through fear, I cant stop worrying that he is going off me and I'm going to get hurt! Can someone put my mind at ease, tell me where I've gone wrong, tell me what I need to do next, share your thoughts....anything would help me right now!
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at work, broke up, his ex, money, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, betty blue +, writes (20 October 2011):
I sooo relate to you. I just think that you need to concentrate on yourself and try not to obsess about him. I think that I would definitely carry on dating other men .if he feels a lot for you I'm sure he will sort himself out sand hopefully have more time for you. Maybe he's going through a rough time with his x and just needs time . I would just keep trying to focus on yourself and remain grounded. Difficult I know as I'm similar to you .
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 October 2011):
 Is it worth waiting?
only YOU know that. I'm rather forgiving and will easily give folks 2 or 3 chances or more depending on the severity of the offense....
have you asked him if it's something you did? sometimes I am AMAZED at how my boyfriend thinks. He's younger than I am and his mind works a bit differently... so while he is very appreciative of my letting him cook dinner I don't think that's a big huge deal but apparently it is to him. Had he not told me that I never would have known and would have taken it for granted.
it's hard to talk about things especially in a new relationship but I think it's often important.
don't be TOO aloof... if he's insecure that may feed his insecurity. What I have learned in my current relationship is that I'm the MAN and he's the woman in terms of how we think and how we feel. I feel secure that he is with me.. he's terrified I'm going to leave him.. he wants more affection and cuddles and I want more sex... he chatters on and on and I just want to sit and BE with him... and yet if I don't focus my attention on him he thinks I'm mad.... it's such a fine line...
I also am all for open and honest communication even if it wrecks something... I believe that something that is supposed to be will be strong enough to survive truth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe dont purely communicate by texting, obviously we meet up and that is when we do most of the talking. However I dont feel like we are the type of people that would spend time on the phone, phone calls are (in my opinion) for people who have lots of time on their hands to sit and chat. We both work long hours, him especially (normally from about 5am to 7pm) and in the evenings I am normally busy if I'm not with him.
I do also hate relationships conducted through texts, I totally agree that texts can be misread and tone of voice doesnt come through in the way you intended - but in this case for him to go from calling me gorgeous, telling me how beautiful I am etc to only calling me grumpy and not being anywhere near as affectionate - surely that cant be misread and its not a case of me not understanding him?
I dont want to read too much into the texts because as you said, he is still contacting me and asked me out so things cant be that bad. I'm just struggling with the whole thing, I want him to go back to being the same guy I met the first few times around.
I honestly dont think he is just being a 'twat' - I think I either really put him off by getting a bit annoyed/upset about the whole ex thing (even though it was just one message I sent to him), or it is the illness/tiredness that is affecting him. Or both.
Is it worth waiting to see what happens? Is there anything I can do to get this back on track? I'm trying to text him less and not ask him to meet up so he is initiating everything now, I dont want to bug him. I'm also trying to be up-beat and affectionate (not too much but a little bit to make sure he does know I'm interested), even if I am feeling awful inside about this I'm trying not to let on. I always thought you should be open and honest if you are worried about something and that was why I asked him about the ex, maybe he just has a different approach to me and doesnt like talking about issues when we are only dating?
Anyway I am keeping busy doing lots of other things, I have plenty going on in my life aside from dating, I've never needed a man and I'm happy single, I just feel its a shame it is going this way when he is the first guy I've liked in a long time... so if you have any suggestions on how to get it back on track and rescue the situation that would be most appreciated! Or even if it is just telling me to chill out and wait and see, that's fine too!
Thanks everyone
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 October 2011):
I'm sorry I'm old fashioned and this "relationship by text" is insanity.
Texts are short and are not easy to understand always AND they don't always get through. My bf often does NOT get my text messages... it's a limitation of the system and the phone... he reboots and bang 3 or 4 text messages drop in. I've SEEN IT HAPPEN. Texts are piggybacked on other information in the system and do not always get to the rigth place at the right time.
Depending on TEXTING to have a relationship is insanity.
He is in TOUCH with you... that's key.
stop using text messages except for brief... "be there in 10 minutes" kind of stuff. USE your VOICE to communicate...
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (20 October 2011):
 Luckily, "Obsession" is a "curable" issue. The simple way is to go spend a ton of money at some shrink's office OR, the hard way is to find alternative interests like scubba diving or bridge or even bowling. There's always the danger though of addiction to any or all of those activities too. My personal suggestion is to study Zen where you learn about self control and thought management.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): He is a twat, and playing control games with you . You can do better. get rid, and forget him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 October 2011):
 Sounds like you have a true "Catch 22" on your hands. Here's why:
1. If you DID put out for him during the couple of dates you enumerated, then he may be reverting to the "OK, I got her in bed so now I don't have to be nice to her any more" syndrome.... OR,
2. If you DIDN'T put out for him, yet... then he may be getting tired of pursuing you. It's sort of like a dog who chases cars... He really doesn't know how to drive the thing, even if he catches it, so the chase is the acme of his interest....
Good luck....
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