A
male
age
41-50,
*esat
writes:I am giving her time, what should I do now?My long distance girl friend says that she is super busy with her program and full time job. She was previously married but got divorced last year and we met during her divorce. I used to date her about 9 years ago when we separated as she was moving to the country she lives now. She has told me a few times that she feels she has walls around her heart and cannot commit but wants to see me in the future and learn more about me! We decided to move in last summer but had some silly fights as she was not stable and I felt she is leaving me again and ironically she moved back to her city. Now she is not contacting me, until I initiate with either an email or a txt message, and her answers are positive, mentioning a few times that she misses me and she thinks about me (I am reading it as some baby steps to rebuild the relationship and her getting back to me, but it is very slow and I cannot talk to her and ask her about it again as I am afraid I might ruin the few blocks we have put back again) but very short and doesn't satisfy me at all. I am happy for a short time after she writes to me but quickly go back to depression and anxiety. I am moving to another city to continue my education in a few weeks and she told me she is saving for a ticket to visit. I DO NOT see any short time resolution for our long distance relationship but just don't and can't leave it and move on. I have told her that I will wait for us to meet again and to rebuild our trust and she replied that she is willing to work on it when we have more time, but she doesn't have a clear plan and doesn't tell me any details about her current life. For some reason I want to believe that we are meant to be together and she is just busy with work and studying and not seeing someone else. I try hard to focus on my life and leave this relationship for now but just can't be happy and keep thinking and dreaming about her. I am constantly waiting to hear from her, checking my cell phone and email frequently. I have no family around me, have been alone for many years in a foreign country and don't feel I have a home. Was very hopeful to build a home with her but didn't work out! Moving in a few weeks to another city just doesn't let me get busy with any new person or activity. I know that I have to be patient, patient and patient but I just don't think I am living a healthy life and feel I have a constant stress. I am just tired of talking to people about my problem. they show support at the beginning but it seems their only solution is to be more patient and think less! I am doing it but I am not happy! and don't know how to relax and put myself at ease! I start doing more exercise but keep going back to staying at home and studying and smoking, a nasty thing that I have recently started again after a few years of successful quitting. Please share your ideas and help me release some of this stress or show me a way out of this self-caused misery.Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, worthit  +, writes (25 March 2009):
I feel so bad for you. If she loves you she'll find a way back to you. In the meantime, start to enjoy your life and do things that you enjoy. It will help you keep your perspective and sanity.
I'll say a prayer for you.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 March 2009):
 Reading this showed a lot of "I want" and not "she needs". I've been divorced for 13 years now, and I counsel others going through many different issues. I found, depending on her reason for divorce, those going through one, or recently when through one really loose their direction and who they are for a time being. It sounds as if she's in the process of redefining who she is.
I recently talked to a girl I know, who I grew up with. She's a real beautiful person, but recently got divorced. I wouldn't mind having a relationship with her, but at this point it would only disadvantage her to do so. Her relationship was abrupt, violent, and had to involve legal protections. Right now, I'm there for her as a friend to help her get through this extremely difficult time.
I'd give her some time. Be her friend. Understand what she's going through and be there when she needs. As she redefines her life, you may be part of her new definition, but you don't want to rush it.
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A
female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (25 March 2009):
 Honestly, I feel like the two of you shouldn't be in an official relationship if she cannot give you the full commitment you deserve. I think that the way she is behaving is not equivalent with that of a good girlfriend, and it is closer to someone who is in the iffy beginning stages of dating.
I don't know how open you have been with her. Maybe you should tell her exactly what you wrote down here. Make sure you are not accusing, that you reassure her that she is who you wnat (if that is indeed true), but tell her she needs to meet you halfway for this to work and for you to be happy?
Good luck!
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