A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So ive been going out with a guy i met a few months back, we met for about a month and decided to start our relationship and things were going okay. Hes everything i could want in a guy and i was and still am absolutely smitten! I honestly fell for him bad! We just clicked so well! And i regret everything! The more he told me how he felt, the more i became afraid, the more i backed off. The more we saw each other, the closer we got, the more i backed off.. So ill try make some sense of this, back in august i was followed. Stalked. By a man, older than me, quite abit older, he somehow (although id never spoken to him, nor did i know who he was at the time) got my number, phoned me daily, i didnt answer, he had numerous numbers i blocked, but he still contacted me, it went too far after about a month (id even informed the police, i was terrified of this man) he knew everything about me, told me a few times what i was wearing, or where i was. i changed my number and didnt hear from him, till one night me and two friends were out at a park, the man crept up behind me and my two friends legged it! They claimed to be scared when i spoke to them after, they said they didn't realise i hadn't followed them. They were safe, in a car and had my phone with them, they left me alone on a park to be raped and thrown about by a stranger that knew everything about me! I got away from him, i walked to the car and they opened the doors, i sat in silence, they kept on asming me what happened. 'did he touch you?' 'did you kiss him?' they found it funny, they laughed and made comments, i ended up having to go through a smere, numerous sti tests, which werent all clear. I went through hell. Its something ive not told a single person about.. And i thought id got over it, i thought id be okay.. But secretly i know its been eating away at me. And i know thats why i cant let myself get attatched to this amazing guy.. Everytime we kiss and i close my eyes, all i see is him.. That dirty horrible man kissing my neck, holding onto me, asif he had a right to touch me.. I dont want to feel like it, i just cant help it. The thought of ever having sex with anyone again daunts me. Im petrified.My main question is about tonight, the guy i have been going out with spent the night with another girl, he wrote a status about having an amazing night with her on facebook and obviously, i was upset, i tried not to let it get to me.. I guessed we were over and i guessed i needed to accept it, then he text me asking if i was ok. I said yes but he said he could tell something was bothering me. I text him saying 'you spent the night woth a girl *****' how do you think im feeling!' we had a huge conversation about how ive been distant and he thinks i lost interest, infact, he said he doesnt think i was ever interested, i tried to explain how i felt and he just said he is glad i could open upto him, (i just tried to tell him i was afraid of gettong hurt) he said he understands i need to be alone, (which is the last thing i want right now :( and he totally thought the opposite of what i meant and he just said basicly he loved the time we spent together and will always be there for me, he said i was lile his best friend. But obviously he has a new girl lined up! I didnt want it to end, i dodnt mean to be distant! I thought i was ready for a relationship and everything was perfect, until it come to the touchy feely, heated make out leading to things... Its hard to explain how i feel!! I know i come on here to ask a question and i knew what my question was, but writing what i have i realised its actually a pointless question! I guess i needed to offload! Really sorry for it getting so long. I just cannot speak to anyone about this! I honestly feel like someone has taken my heart out and stamped on it! And theres nothibg i can do, the guy genuinely thinks its what i want and hes doing the roght thing! I feel like ive messed everythibg up! How can i cope with heartbreak aswell as everything else??! Please someone offer me some sort of advice that could help me out of this mess! :'( thanks flr reading, sorry again!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): The first and most important thing here is that you get counselling. I hope you reported this to the Police, in which case you will be in the system and can get them to refer you to the right agencies. If not, there are a number of helplines which should be able to help. You need to talk it all threw with someone and they will give you coping strategies etc with dealing with life after a trauma like this. It is so important not to think that you can deal with this alone. As for the guy - to be honest, considering your emotional state I would give men a rest until you are fully on the mend. Trying to juggle a relationship with someone who may or may not be able to support you or understand would be difficult. So think of yourself first - don't struggle on - there are people out there who will understand and it would be in confidence, so get help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to add, ive not told the guy about being raped, he doesnt have a clue what happened i just told him id had abit of a shit last, and id been hurt..
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 I second the advice to see a professional. It's very common for assault victims to have problems with relationships and intimacy afterward. Seeing a therapist will hopefully help you with this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): Sweetie, I am so very sorry you were subjected to this. I agree with the other advisers in that partaking of professional counseling will assist you tremendously it getting beyond your trauma, and with respect to your situation with the man whom you care for, please share with him what you have shared with us. He needs to know the truth to be able to be there for you in the most appropriate and understanding way. If he truly cares about you, your unpreparedness for sex will not at al be an issue, as it is your substance that he is primarily drawn and concerned with and hence will carry you in his wings. Again, I am very sorry that you are enduring this. You will overcome this for sure. My thoughts and prayers are with you along your journey to recovery. Please obtain counseling and open up completely to your friend. These are your starting points. God Bless You Sweetie.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 You need to get help, professional help so you can deal with what happened to you once and for all. Whatever happens with this man, you can control how intimate you are with each other. He has to know that you just are not ready to have sex, but that does not mean that you are not ready for a relationship. You said everything was perfect until you two begin to get intimate, then things tend to lead a little too far, correct? You are ready for a relationship, but until you get the help you need, leave sex out of it. Tell him that you are not ready for sex yet and tell him to just trust you if he begins to suspect anything.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): i think you kinda answered your own question to a degree. you said you were distant, you have opened up to him and tol him everything you told us here? then you need to talk to him then if he says that he still wants to be mates thats all you can do unfortunatly.
you have a right to be nervous - the only thing you can do is try and explain / trust him or the next guy.
as far as heart ache goes - i suggest chcolate + getting some of your good friends round for movies - couply crying ones, couple funny and have some girly time.
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