A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a very new relationship (5 weeks) with a guy. I met him via an online dating site. We get on extraordinarily well... when we see each other. In this five weeks, we've had separations of 10 days (his vacation), 5 days (my vacation) and now another 4 days (his long weekend with his children). It started out very intense (seeing each other every day, even if just for a quick drink after work) but then because of all this time apart and then his late working hours, it's changed, slowed down. We keep in touch every day by text but for some reason not by telephone. I'm not much of a telephone person anyway so not too bothered although I've read that if a man only texts it can be a red flag that he's lazy?OK well this is the real problem. I asked him to do two things: take an STD test (since he told me he'd been quite promiscuous after his divorce and before meeting me, though he'd always been "careful"), and to disable (not delete) his profile from the dating site. It might sound soon to take himself off the dating site but we agreed from day one, actually before we met, that we would only date each other and see how it goes. I can't wrap my head around dating multiple people, told him that and he was OK with it. More than OK, said that it was refreshing. He started referring to me as his "girlfriend", and after he did that, I said "wouldn't it make sense for us to disable our profiles" and he agreed. Well neither thing has happened despite him "promising" to have the STD test (yes we are sexually active, I had to have the coil fitted after an accident - OUCH). I can't believe I went and had this horribly painful thing done as emergency (and long term) birth control, yet he can't/ won't find the time to go and give a urine sample. (I can't take the morning after pill or any hormonal birth control). Things got to me yesterday - I had a huge hangover and spent the day on my own, feeling sick, with too much time to think. I asked him (again) by text to disable (not delete) his dating profile that night and I'd do the same. I explained I've been getting annoying messages and just wanted off the place. But I'd like him to come off it too. He says he hasn't checked the site for ages, doesn't get messages, and I checked today (before disabling my account) and he hasn't logged in for 3 weeks). So then, I don't know why, last night I sent this nasty text, telling him that if he doesn't have the respect for me to have an STD test or take himself off the dating site, I don't want to be involved with him, mentioning lack of respect etc. I don't know what I thinking. I was so fed up of him saying he'd do these 2 things and not doing them....Well he didn't react well, compared my texts to his verbally violent relationship with his ex. Said that he can't take any form of anger or pressure. Said that he'll always worry that if I ask him to do something, he'll be afraid of my reaction, that I'll get angry. He said that he is "lazy" and that is why he hasn't got round to doing either of the things. He knows that this "laziness" frustrates the women he's been in relationships with. Actually, that's why he hasn't got round to having the STD test. He doesn't see why he should disable the dating profile since he isn't using it. We discussed it as much as you discuss anything like this by text. I explained that I had brought up both issues with him before in a calm way and nothing was happening.... empty words with no action. I explained that I've been cheated on before, been caught out with an STD before... hence I'm wary on both counts. So he's wary because of his angry ex and I reminded him of her.. I am not an angry person, just very anxious not to get hurt, not to catch an STD, not to get cheated on. I feel anxious and confused... he said himself, now he will always be afraid of me asking him to do something incase I get angry. How will I ever be able to ask him to do something? I am not overly demanding but I don't want to be a total doormat and firmly believe in boundaries of what is and isn't OK.It seems to be a case of two fragile people (we've both admitted we are fragile) not quite managing this very young relationship, which for the past 3 weeks has been largely by text message. But I think we are also both quite controlling - he won't do something if I ask him to, and then it makes me want him to do even more. Does anyone have any insight? I am not about to finish the relationship (OK, I have thought of it, it's very complicated with his ex and his children and crazy working hours). I thought he was going to finish it this morning, but we smoothed it over and we are seeing each other in 2 days. We actually have a whole stretch of 2 weeks before either of us has to travel again, and I can't wait to spend time with him (get to know him) and prove I'm not some kind of monster who'll explode if he doesn't put the toilet seat down. I don't know what I am expecting anyone to say. I feel sad and feel like the relationship is ending before it's even began and I don't know if it's because we've hardly seen each other, or if we're incompatible. When we are together it's awesome but all this alone time is just sh!t. I have got so wrapped up in all of this because it's really uncommon for me to get on so well with someone, but I've lost perspective.
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divorce, his ex, std, text, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEm, thanks for your words. Yes I need to just chill, see where it goes. About the dating site and exclusivity: I was so fed up with the whole dating process before I met this guy that I thought "what the heck" and told him I only date exclusively, take it or leave it. Basically I didn't care if he no longer wanted to meet me and date me exclusively but he did. I understand keeping the profiles up at first, but he's now referring to me as his girlfriend, talking to his siblings and friends and colleagues about me. I won't ask him about it again but it's at the back of my mind. Anyway I took down my profile, which has made me more relaxed. I didn't like getting "wanna f**k" messages, and even had a minor stalker.
Eddie, thank you. The situation is rather more complicated than I could fit in without sending you all to sleep, but yes it has gone way too fast. I am considering why that is and have discussed it with my therapist. I'm firmly determined to take it much more slowly and I've removed the rose tinted glasses and really get to know him. Re STDs, yes we were stupid once, and he knows he has to go and get checked before we have unprotected sex again. I did have a quick check up when the coil was checked last week so I'm OK. But I get what you're saying, especially about the respect issue. I think that's my main concern.
Sugarplum, thanks to you, too. Yes I made mistakes and thanks for not pointing them out! I overstepped my own boundaries, not good but I can't do anything about that now. Actually he has more baggage than me (recently separated, difficult divorce process) but I'm trying to work out if we can sort through our fragilities and control issues (oh he has them too!) together. May not be possible. I do see a therapist about my insecurities, and it helps but I'm mid way between sessions so the help from the aunts and uncles has helped.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (7 July 2013):
 I am not going to lecture you what you should not have done. However , I suggest you take some timeout of the relationship and let him come to you. If a guy loves you and thinks you worth fighting for he will try to resolve things. Also we woman want and expect everything the way we see it, not realising that our emotions are getting ahead of us.
Don't push this relationship, give the gut time, you going to been seen as too needy and desperate. No guy likes a woman that has heavy emotional baggage, Especially since this is a new relationship, it should be fun and easy, no demands. This already sounds like a problematic relationship and a controlling woman. All is not lost, just learn to control your emotions and work on your insecurity.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (7 July 2013):
 It certainly sounds like you went WAY too fast in this relationship. I know it can be tough to exercise caution when you think you've met the one, but let's look at the facts here:
1) You've told him you want an exclusive relationship and the first step to meeting that was for him to disable his online profile. He didn't do this... it would normally take a few minutes to do this, yet he hasn't been able to.
2) You are having what sounds like unprotected sex with a promiscuous guy. Now, you have been exposed to whatever infections he may be caring: HIV, HPV, Chlamydia, etc. I think at this point, you have to take the initiative and get tested yourself.
At this point, I think it is time for you to take a good look at the initial time you've spent together. Normally the first few months are when everyone is on their best behavior. If this is the best, what do you expect out of him as the relationship ages?
It is hard to think objectively about someone you have such hard feelings for, but I hope you do. Remember that just because you have amazing sex and good times together doesn't mean he is a good fit for the long term.
Investing more emotional energy into someone who doesn't share the respect you deserve will ultimately lead you to more heart break. Perhaps it is time to have a heart to heart with him and see where he is at too.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 July 2013):
 OK everything I am going to say to you, you already know! I can tell that by your words, so maybe you just need someone to reiterate the main points!
Five weeks IS NOT a relationship, five weeks is 'getting to know you' time, going out on a few dates time and giving a bloke the chance to chase you and do his thing.
The first few months (I use the 3 month rule before calling it a relationship) is the honeymoon period and all bets are off. There is no setting conditions, no laying down the law, no demanding or 'situational manipulating'...there is just dates and having a nice fun time.
If you meet on a dating site, it goes with the territory that you will both be talking/meeting other people but men and women have different rules on this:
Women on dating sites, when they meet someone they like and have dated a few times tend to throw out 'commitment' signals like insisting the guy ditches or hides his profile as proof that he is only talking/dating her. They might explain it off as proof that the guy won't cheat or dissapear, when really hiding the profile DOES NOT mean he won't cheat or dissapear, neither is it proof that he only wants to date the one woman.
Men on dating sites, like to keep their options open and since there is at least 4 women to every man on most dating sites, who can blame him...he going to try them all before he decides and if he wants to date one exclusively for a while to see how things pan out, he won't log on (as your guy didn't for 3 weeks). He might be all passion and full on until he has gotten you into bed and then he will relax and draw back a little and this is where the true test of the 'dating' starts to see if things develop to the next level...
This is where a lot of women get frustrated and start making demands because they have 'been hurt' (hasn't everyone?)or they want a guarantee (not happening at this stage) The guy (if he likes the woman) might try to level things out, but contact will wane a little as he thinks things over...and this is where most women make the cardinal mistake...they start nagging and getting testy, when they should be relaxing too and just let things take a natural flow. If I guy doesn't feel pressurised, he will feel happy about continuing.
If, after a few months he feels really happy, he might remove his dating profile, get a STD check, start telling his friends about the woman and on it goes.
If you were worried about an STD you should have either used a condom or refrained from sex until he was ready to get an STD check. If it really means that much, you would have waited.
You know you are insecure and all your worst 'womanly traits' are coming out like huge great claws (even if this isn't a conscious thing on your part)
You had a long term birth control implant put in...that screams 'I WANT COMMITMENT'
You have insisted and nagged (via text) that he do as you say or else...yep, super controlling.
You have had sex with him too soon and we all know that sex does not make a guy like you more, does not make him want to stay with you more, does not make him respect you more...I dunno why women fool themselves...all sex does for a bloke...is make him want to have MORE SEX!
Right!! Now I have dug away at you, here's the recovery bit!
You need to back off a little and try and relax or else you are gonna kill it stone dead!
Get back to basics! Don't be in contact all the time with him, but when you are, keep it light and fun and happy (cos you should still be in the light/fun/happy stage at this point...not in the 'nagging old bat whose getting on his case' stage lol)
When you see him in 2 days time, arrange to do something fun and distracting so you have less time to get into those 'Do you really like me?/Is this going anywhere? convos (you know what I mean)
Forget about his dating profile, don't look at it, don't stalk his FB, just base your opinions of how he is with you when you guys are together having fun.
If it's going to fail, it will fail because you (after a few months) either tire of him or he, you.
Things do not need to be helped into the trash pile by your constant worrying or your attempts to force him to show signs of commitment...SO RELAX AND ENJOY what you have. Take what comes and make your own mind up as to whether he's a keeper or not.
You already pissed him off and had him compare you to his violent ex!!! so my dear, you got a lot to do, to get things back on track and making demands of ANY kind absolutely WILL NOT help.
See, you knew this didn't you...so accept it and CHILL OUT!!
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