A
female
age
36-40,
*lexia846
writes:Before I turned twenty five I thought i had everything I was with my first boyfriend whom i lost my vriginity to and after five years of mind games and what i know abuse to be now(sometimes spiting at me, and telling me i have a fat belly,, or who to hang out with) he wanted to get married; i was finishing my graduate degree since i went straight from undergrad to grad-At thatmoment i had everything i had wished for or thought i wanted i got my degree so at least in my family's eyes i could somewhat be safe in the career path since im not an engineer, doctor etc. Got the guy i cried endlessly for and put up with; had the group of friends that i competed with somewhat there so i could waste time with- had my job. BUT before m gradaute class ended my last class I had a adjunct professor teach a clss on dreams and searching within.. It woke me up. He pushed me to see what i wanted never in my life had anyone done that or accepted "Alice's wild ideas as normal and intriguing." I felt as though it was okay to be me and be acccepted- he made me feel welcome and almost finished my thoughts a couple of times...I finished my graduate deegree and left everything- the abuse guy and my fake friends. Ever since then i feel like i have this new world and i dont now what to do with it..I have been trying to find someone like him so bad thinkng that i will feel that safety and welcome feeling again..I feel so disconnected now that im not blind anymore..I feel so lonely- i have a job that has a hostile enviroment where i am myself and they make fun of my accent"as a joke" and it stressful but im a afraid to leave cause i am afraid im wont succeed with anything else-its safeI live with my parents and they are so pushy with sucess and living step by step that its driving me nuts but im afraid to leave since i feel so broken inside- and im saving money 10k but i feel like i dont know what fori have lost weight- tanned bleached my hair blond and by society and man's comments i am a knockout but im so insecure -i feel robotic just dressing with nice things to please person x so i can get some for of satisfaction..I came close to meeting someone in my last job which is in sales super cut throat that was like the professor but i couldnt say anything cause i reported to him i could tell we had a connection but before i could express anything i got fired for not meeting numbers.i still think about him and his personality i ran into him and saw he was with someone but we exchanged looks and my heart sank..im so lost i think im going through a quarter life crisis..Im 26 and have everything in line by the book but i feel so weak..I just look for ppl or something to save me i feel like im going insane..Ive tried a psychiatrist but all they do is give me medicine.. Ive bought so many things; changed my look to look like the most attractive version I can be and get complments. STILL nothing i keep going back to that class and those feeling.and the ex coworker.. I feel so robotic and lost and my parents are no help they just live their life according to whats next in societys plan..If anyone else has felt this way please tell me im not crazy- i know i can do things and can live according to my dream but im so scared ..im so insecure that i just fall into these hostile work places and ppl and keep dreaming i will see that man again and feel those feelings. i just dream my life away.. if anyone has felt this please let me know
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co-worker, insecure, live with my parents, money Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2013): You feel alienated and unsafe because everybody in your sphere of society won't accept you as your natural self and what you aspire to be. Therefore you have to conform to their views of what is socially acceptable in appearance, speech, and career goals in order to receive positive feedback from society. That is why you feel weak and like a robot. You are living your life for other people. Until you are true to yourself you will never feel any fulfillment. There is a saying that the wise man walks alone. That is because he has learned that most peoples vision for life is flawed. You have been conditioned all your life to walk a certain path. Any deviation from that path has been looked down upon and discouraged. Arise and shine and make your own path in life. Strive to follow your own vision for your life and put less importance on other peoples opinions. Find out what you like and what brings you joy and follow that. To get strong mentally or physically does not happen overnight. It takes time and effort. So start a few steps at a time and soon you will learn it is not scary as you thought. Learn to rely on your own self mentally and develop your knowledge. That way you will not be helpless if that one person you depend upon for security leaves or never materialize.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 July 2013):
 What you posted here describes lives of a lot of graduated twenty somethings. Your ex professor sounded brilliant. He was paid to do so. Universities are big money making machines selling dreams. That explains the disenfranchised feeling you have now, the post-graduation-welcome-to-the real-world shock. Don't think that with an engineer or medical degree you are set for life. There are many people with such degrees who can't find work. They are either too qualified or there are no entry level jobs, besides intern jobs.
Ignore your coworkers who make fun of you. You go to work just to do your best, not to make friends. You have two degrees and seem to be well off, so people are jealous and want to bring you down.
The best person to nurture yourself is you. If you save enough get yourself a house. Get a pet that will unconditionally love you.
Why are you going back to that class?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): What your probably missing is not the people but the drama and the excitement, the ups and downs when your involved with toxic people. That is not normal. Find yourself something to do like hobbies, things you like to do and keep busy and not be bored and then you wont have time to think about the past.
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