A
female
age
51-59,
*olinger
writes:I am really struggling to come to terms with my break up. I was with M for 2.5yrs. I moved across counties with my son to be with him after only 3mths. I know you will say it was too soon. Over time his temper and verbal aggression reminded me of my father who did the same thing and I reverted to this timid mouse who lied so I didn't get into trouble. I did everything possible to make this man happy and ended up being so unhappy that I can't seem to get myself out of this dark hole I feel as if I am in. To cut a long story short. He was diagnosed with clinical depression a year after being with me due to him having family issues and not being over his ex. But he now says that I caused his depression which makes me feel such a crud heel of a human being. Did I? Did I make him depressed? I gave him everything he ever wanted. The area I struggled to deal with was him talking to two women who he had had sex with just months prior to me. He maintained that although they were in love with him he didn't want them in that way but wanted them as friends and that he was allowed to talk to who he wanted. This wouldn't have been so bad had the physical side of our relationship been okay but it wasn't. The depression and the medication meant that it was very brief and I almost felt desperate for some physical attention. It rose to a crescendo when I found he was deleting calls from these women, we verbally fought and this ended with him breaking my cheekbone and spending a night in the cells. To this day he states that I made him do it. I torture myself with. Did I? Did my jealousy and refusal to accept that he chose me to live with him drive him to it? There is so much to say. He used to say that I controlled him but in fact it really was the other way round. I am a professional manager by day but as soon as he walked through the door all I was ever interested in was making him happy. The sad thing is...he rejected me. Saying he couldn't take it anymore.But I don't know what I did wrong. Its been six months and I am stuck at this point. I have moved out of the house, got a new job, am trying to make new friends. And yet. there is this massive chasm of wanting to know what I did wrong? All I ever did was love him. I put him first every single time. Yet it wasn't enough. He is so hurtful in the way he talks to me and I feel worthless as a person. If I say anything that he doesn't like he puts the phone down on me. (a tip from his ex girlfriend who told him that if he didn't want to listen to anything unpleasant or different to the way he thought he could just put the phone down.) K really was the love of his life. 15yrs his junior and he actually told me that the happiest time of his life was with her. Why would someone say that? It was as if he had no censor. No thought for my feelings. Yet if any of you spoke to him now you would all think he was fantastically funny and tell me I was imagining it all. But nobody has ever heard the real person. He is scary and yet for some dumb dumb reason I need his approval. I have been told I am above his league intellectually and physically but this man..why? I don't get it. I can't move on. I take four steps forward and 5 back. Then I hate myself for wanting to hear his voice. Yet when I hear his voice it hurts me and reduces me to tears or feelings of worthlessness. How do get over that? We have a situation where my name is on the mortgage. I moved out and the intention was for him to buy me out. He was declined by the bank yet told, reapply in 3mths time. I said I would wait for my money. The verbal agreement we had (he wouldn't sign anything official) he is now going back on and I will be lucky to walk away with £4k though I put £21k in. This really is a long post isn't it? I have thought about professional help but my 21yr old daughter says..."why do you want to pay someone to talk about him?" It isn't so much to talk about him than for someone to give me some answers as I really don't know anymore. If anyone has any advice at all it would be appreciated. I have few friends here, in new job and people get fed up of seeing a sad face and I am usually a happy, confident, outgoing woman. Thank you.
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depressed, ex girlfriend, his ex, jealous, money, move on, moved out Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): This is a classic display of narcissistic personality disorder. I hope you are good now and I hope you didn't get back with him. God is good. This was your window out of a terrible relationship.
A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (25 May 2008):
 I am so glad you are out of this mess. Any longer and you would have been in the loony bin!
It will take time to heal from all this abuse so be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with loving friends and family. See a counselor if you feel you want to. Cut the guy out of your life completely.
I do think you should get legal advice about the house.
Best wishes xo
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): Wow, this guy must be a real piece of work. He blames you for his depression, he blames you for making him break your cheekbone, and he is renigging on his financial deal with you.
This guy is a classic abuser, he isn't just depressed he is cruel and abusive.
You have nothing to feel remorseful for or guilty or like you are to blame for his problems.
You are just used to living on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop. He has systematically beat you down emotionally so he can control you, control you with your own insecurity....You would probably benefit very much from some professional help, not to talk about him, but to process your feelings and thoughts about what you have been through. You need some help moving on and getting your legs back up under you.
You are very lucky to be rid of him as it would have only gotten worse.
Can you get some legal help about the mortgage situation? This guy deserves to be sued.
I wish you all the best....take care of you for a change.
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A
female
reader, Shamandalie  +, writes (25 May 2008):
You did nothing wrong. You tried to give him everything. Things didn't work well for him and he blamed you. Think about the bad things: he hurt you and claims you made him do it?
After my own bad breakup a few months ago a friend told me this: Don't look down. Don't look back. Carry on.
It took me a while but I made it out of the woods. You're on the right track with your new job and friends.
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