A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please help! I have this burning feeling in my gut that my boyfriend is cheating on me. Even though i have tried to convince myself otherwise, the feeling just won't go away! Here's the deal: we have been together for quite some time- almost 3 years. my boyfriend recently lost a lot of weight, and he told me that he's been getting more attention from women because of it (by attention he meant compliments). ever since this weight loss, he is much more friendly with other women, verbally flirting with them, and it seems as if he is less inclined to talk to me on the phone for more than 10 minutes. we used to talk much longer than that. i'm also worried because the other night he was texting ALL night when we were at a party. and so i checked his phone, and he deleted all of his text messages. mind you, i strongly believe in privacy. but my boyfriend is a jealous person, so he started checking my phone. i hated it.. but i found myself doing it the other day. i told him that i was worried about him, and that maybe the weight loss got to his head. he told me that he's the happiest he's ever been with me. i asked him why he deleted his messages. he says that he deletes them all the time. i know this was a mistake to tell him this, but i just had to.. he's my best friend, and i tell my best friend everything. it is so unusual of me to be jealous, and this feeling is so new to me. i don't know how to stop it from eating me up inside. i don't know if he was telling the truth. i know he is a good liar, because he has gotten himself out of serious trouble with the law before by lying. i believed him for a little while, but i find myself seriously doubting him again! he just tells me little things that don't coincide, things that people would usually never think twice about. for example, earlier today he told me he left his house early to get gas, but after he got out of work (which is 15 minutes away from his house) he had to hang the phone up because he was getting gas. things like that. so please tell me, does it seem like i'm being paranoid, or do you think something going on? If you think there is something going on, what can i do to find the truth?
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (31 October 2007):
 Hi,
there are a lot of what ifs here, but as they say - 'where there's smoke there's fire'.
You mention your boyfriend has managed to squeeze out of trouble with the law, this really doesnt say a lot about his character ( did he commit a serious crime and get away with it yourself this its really none of our business what he did). He sounds like a bit of a wheeler dealer so I think there is a chance that a lot of what you are talking about is simply him keeping you out of the loop of his other possibly illegal activities ( i.e. he may not want you to get involved ).
But at the end of the day his behaviour has changed, he is not being honest with you, and both of you dont really trust each other, perhaps you really need to assess whether he's worth it.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): It's such a horrible feeling when you wonder if your lover is cheating on you. It can be all-consuming..and then you wonder if you have any reason to let yourself feel so crazy. It's really important to try to look at the situation clearly.
Your boyfriend is enjoying the attention he is getting about his new look. That's natural..and he probably felt insucure and unattractive before, so he especially craves female approval. That by itself doesn't mean he'll take it further. Flirting can be harmless.
He is distancing himself from you. There could be a lot of reasons for this. Does not mean cheating.
But there are some red flags. You say he is jealous person...has his jealously/mistrust in you increased lately? If it has, take note. Often when someone is not trustworthy, they treat others around them like are untrustworthy for no reason. In other words, if your boyfriend feels guilty and dishonest about himself and his actions, he is likely to impose that guilt on you and accuse you of things he may be guilty of. So, if he all of a sudden checks your phone a lot, he may well have something to hide on his.
In addtional to being a jealous person, he is good liar. That's a big red flag. Someone who lies well can lie well to you. Someone who really lies well has lost touch with their own feelings and how they affect others..and they will lie for no reason at all about little meaningless things. What kind of serious trouble was he in? i hope it didn't involve harming another person. If drugs were involved, and he is truly in that world, that world is built on dishonesty and selfishness. (I know first hand.) If he's involved heavily in drugs, he is in a culture that teaches people to be entirely self-protective and pleasure seeking.
Unaccounted for time and strange little lies about how he spends his time is another red flag. That makes 3.
After all that, how do you really feel in your gut? Do you trust this guy with your deepest, most personal insticts? Really listen to yourself. Trust yourself.
If you feel really confused and can't figure out if you can even connect to your deepest instincts, take a step back. It's OK to feel lost and confused. If he loves you, then he will be OK with you getting some space. Tell him you need some time to figure things out for yourself. Tell him you are going through a confusing time and just need to think about stuff on your own for a little bit (give yourself a week or two). Say you know he'll understand this and you love that he respects you enough to allow you to do this.
It will be hard, but do not hound him with questions. Do not hound his friends with questions. It will get back to him. Don't ask or demand anything from him for this time...attention, phone calls, dates, whatever.
After that time, do you still feel tortured? The truth is, you may never know the truth. What matters is if you can live with feeling tortured. If you still feel horrible and wonder all the time about his fidelity and honesty, and you never had problems with jealousy and mistrust before, then something is really missing from your relationship regardless of what he has or hasn't done.
I really wish you luck and strength because I know it's not easy. I wasted a lot of time feeling jealous, and a lot of time with guys who were not trustworthy. You deserve better.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 October 2007):
 I wont guarantee you anything, but that burning feeling as if something is wrong, usually means there is something wrong. From experience I've never had that feeling and been wrong about what it is implying.
Subtle changes happen all the time, but if it's one that implements cheating, our brains pick that up and deliver that feeling to us that we should have reason to find out what's gong on. I'd just ask him directly. Look for signs such as lack of eye contact, defensive behaviors in what is said.
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