A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was an 18 year old virgin when I met my wife. I had never had a girlfriend or even kissed another girl until one night after a date she just leaned over and kissed me. I waited some months before sleeping with her at age 19. She was 21 and experienced, wanting to sleep with me right away. We have now been together for a decade. There are certain things that bother me and my wife won't answer the questions below truthfully if at all. However, it is important to me to understand how most of the rest of the world works given my lack of experience.My questions are:1. Sometimes I get curious about what other people are like in bed. I am not saying that curiosity is so strong as to make me do something stupid, but I'd like to hear from others if there's really any difference when it comes down to it - not just physically, but psychologically. Does it make you feel cheap to have slept with lots of others or does it make you feel more confident and satisfied that others found you sexually desirable? I am insecure because I never had that validation that, yes, members of the opposite sex (save one) found me attractive whereas my wife is very sexually confident and knows that (more than few) men found her attractive at some point.2. Do you ever think about past lovers in a sexual way or is it something you don't give a second thought to? Do you ever reminisce about the past in the way someone like me might think about a really good lobster roll I had in Maine one summer? I have read that people say that they forget all the intimate details over time, but I know that I can still remember many times I made love to my wife even though those events happened years ago - and, yes, sometimes I get off on thinking about those events. I am just trying to understand how those old experiences may have become part of who my wife is and how she acts today. Are they even relevant to her behavior now or are they repressed and never see the light of day? I imagine if I divorced from her and met a new woman I would still cherish some of the memories I had of my time with her and, yes, that includes sex.3. How do you interact with ex-lovers when you encounter them (or hear about them) again? Is it awkward? Is there some special connection or bond you still have as a result of that time you shared, even if you no longer want to be with that person today? Do you see a person that you slept with in the past any differently than a close friend you did not share that intimacy with? My wife says that once it is over then it is over and that the sex part is "just sex" but I know that when I see or hear from a girl I had a crush on in the past lots of feelings come rushing back - and that's with us never having had a sexual relationship. I try to avoid those women like the plague for that reason because I value my marriage, but my wife seems to have no issues being "friends" with and catching up with old boyfriends on Facebook. Am I wrong to think that this can reignite old feelings? Am I wrong to be jealous that these other men who slept with her want back into their lives in some way - and she into theirs? I am wrong to wish that they would all just go back to their wives and leave me and her the hell alone?
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cheap, crush, divorce, facebook, insecure, jealous, married man, never had a girlfriend Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): My husband and I have been together since we were 18 and we are 27 now. We are both each others first. I know I think about what it maybe like to be with someone else and I am sure he doesnt too. The way I think about it is that I love him so much and sex with someone else couldnt never beat that. So when I am out with my girlfriends they always say how lucky I am and I know it and I say to myself ..sex with someone else isnt worth losing this.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (3 January 2012):
 All this really depends on the person.. the questions you ask are like asking "what do you find funny, what makes you laugh".
1. Sex with other people.. neutral... nice at the time, luckily I always meet nice people.. best when I was in love and with one partner (and we were together long enough to know what makes sex explosive). Love makes the difference, but kindness is nice too. Sex is not dirty or cheap, that's like asking do I feel bad when I eat pizza instead of salad. Have you ever hugged another woman, or kissed another woman in your whole life. Did you feel cheap because of it?
2. Again, my situation is different to what I read on Dear Cupid. Any guy I am intimate with also has to be a guy I want to be a friend. (except one guy.. but that was a mistake, and I made sure we didn't talk no more) My ex boyfriends are welcome in my life, and I will introduce them to new partners with no problems. One ex and his girlfriend are very close friends, she even takes time to call my parents and send them food and medicine. But as I say, that's usually where I come from, but doesn't seem to be normal on Dear Cupid.
My parents told me when I was young, if a man is no good to be a friend afterwards, he's no good for sex. If you like him enough to lie down with him, you should like him enough to at least call him once a year.
Your wife is right, without love the sex is just sex, it's like scratching an itch or taking a piss. When it's over you don't sit there and dream about a guy who is no longer in your life. The connection is as deep as meeting someone who you once went to school with when you was 12. Nice, but quickly and easily forgotten.
You have less experience than your wife, so every love, every crush means something important to you. That's like a shy person who has only 3 friends, if one goes away you get devastated. Very different from someone who has 50 friends and can easily pick up new ones every day. Because of the differences in experiences you can't understand that an ex on Facebook isn't the start of a passionate affair. Lots of people suffer jealousy on Dear Cupid, and many people demand that all ex-partners should be banned. I don't do jealousy and I don't do demands. If your wife is cheating, I bet like me, you won't find the guy on bloody facebook. You can cheat with anyone, anytime, an ex is an ex for a reason, and a husband is there because you love and adore him. If she doesn't hide or feel ashamed by talking to her ex's, why should you think that she should change the way she is and ignore her friends.
Your not wrong, your jealous and possessive, lots of people are like that.... but your wife sounds like me, friends and ex's are one thing, husbands you love are another... Either she's faithful or she's not, no ex will change that.
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (2 January 2012):
 1. It's normal to be curious, as you've only slept with one person. I'd find it strange if you weren't curious. I can only answer for myself, but no, it doesn't make me feel cheap to know I have slept with lots of other people. It's not really validation I feel I got from that, but experience I've gained. 2. Sometimes I think about the good sex I've had, but it's nothing I would sacrifice my current relationship for. I have many fond memories, sex making up some of those, and they do pop up in my mind from time to time. I don't think it alters the way I am, but it has altered how I am in bed because over time you learn new things from new people, and you take those with you into each new relationship. I like to think of that as building up my moves, haha :P 3. Whether or not it's awkward depends on a lot of factors. Sex alone is not one that would make it awkward. You see these people differently as you've had sex with them, but it's not in the sense that there are still feelings there, or you'd want to be with them again. It's just a person you have shared something personal with. I wouldn't say you're wrong to be jealous, because I know in a way I would be too. I am not quite sure what I could say to help you. Without the experience, it would be hard for you to see it from our point of view. All I can say is that many people enter into a new relationship or marriage having slept with several people in the past, and that fact has no bearing on their love or commitment to each other. It's simply part of life, really. If you are that uncomfortable with her catching up with old boyfriends on facebook, that's something you should talk to her about a little more. That's something I think a lot of people wouldn't be comfortable with, experienced or not.
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