A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok. So heres my question, please give me your opinions/advice whatever it may be!So today everyone in the office bought a gift we all contributed to for a male coworker. He gave everyone a quick hug, male and female. I know my boyfriend wouldn't like it, I tried to avoid him, then offered him my hand but he gave me a quick pat on the back. It was totally non sexual half hug half pat on the back. I know in my heart it's nothing but I'm scared of my Partner finding out I know he'd flip. On the other hand I feel horrible and like I'm hiding something from him. Do you think it was unacceptable for my coworker to give me a quick hug? Bearing in mind he gave everyone one. Do you think I should tell me boyfriend? I know he'd overreact but on the other hand if he were to somehow find out it might seem like I hid it from him. Or do you think I should get out of my relationship? I'm getting tired of everything giving me a reason to be paranoid I'm going to get accusations thrown at me etc, but our relationship does also have plenty of good points.Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): It was slightly unacceptable, as he should have read the signs that you wanted to shake hands instead. But in the circumstances that is forgivable. I wouldn't even mention it to him, but next time be a little clearer, perhaps saying "A handshake means more to me".
Your partner isn't going to find out unless you tell him. It was a thank-you hug. No one talks about those, as they are part of the everyday life in an office around this time of year. It's not so much hiding it from your bf, as why would you even mention it.
The real issue here is your paranoia. Reflect: is due to you, or due to conditioning by your bf's words and actions? If the second, will this level of continual hyper caution leave room for your happiness? Or will the ongoing stress leave you an unhappy wreck?
If you do decide to break it off, then this can be a dangerous time as controlling or jealous people often become violent, stalking, or ultra controlling. So prepare in secret beforehand, with a place to go an so on. Do not leave a direct forwarding address, perhaps ask him to contact you via an authority figure such as your parents or much older relatives. It helps to immediately disclose to your friends the reason for your breakup, so that they can be discreet and so that they can reject attempts by your ex-b to control you via them (eg, by telling them a untrue story, such as faking an illness).
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 January 2012):
 Get out of the relationship. If you can't accept a hug from a co-worker, after he has given one to the whole office, your already isolated and different, even when your partner is far away.
What could you do.. Offer him your hand instead, is that allowed? Are you allowed to shake a man's hand or will your partner flip at that.
Sounds abusive and controlling... NO WAIT.. It is abusive and controlling. Not because some men get jealous over the silliest things, but you are so scared and frightened over something that is normal to everyone else.
If you scared and frightened of your partner, then you should run away as fast as you can. It may have it's good points, but what happy woman in love comes here to Dear Cupid to ask if it's ok to give a friend at work a hug?
Doesn't sound like no "happy ever after" fairytale to me.. that sounds like a nightmare.
PS: Tell him... it'll be worse if he finds out from others...
PPS: Does he hit you?
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (1 January 2012):
 What??!! This is crazy. A work acquaintance gives everyone a small hug to thank them for buying him a present, and you think your partner would flip out at this? I'm sorry but you really have this massively out of perspective. It is not something you should even have noticed, let alone be obssessing over like this. Of course don't make a huge issue out of nothing and tell your partner. And stop being so daft - of course you aren't hiding anything. That was normal, warm, friendly, grateful behaviour. Your partner is presumably jealous. But if he would freak over this, he is crazy. And he is making you crazy too. So either stop it, or get rid of him.
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A
female
reader, feralfox  +, writes (1 January 2012):
You sound like a friend I once had. I don't see her anymore. It started out small... her boyfriend would get jealous about guy friends. She didn't find this unreasonable, so she slowly started to draw away from them. Then he told her that she wasn't spending enough time with him and that we (her girl friends) were a "bad influence". Eventually we lost contact because of this, but before that happened I know he started reacting physically. Honestly, your boyfriend sounds very possessive and insecure. Does he have anger problems? Does he yell at you for things that most guys would have a calm conversation over? It was HALF OF A HUG. BIG DEAL. Your co-worker didn't try to feel you up or make a pass at you, and even though this is obvious to the rest of the world your boyfriend would make a big deal out of this? What's next, you can't hug male relatives at a family reunion? You can't show an inch of bare skin? How far are you going to let this go on, he cannot control every aspect of your life just because he is afraid you will leave him. I don't know you, but I know your situation and I think you should be really careful with this guy. I know you probably love him, but if you two were in a healthy relationship this half-hug would not even be an issue.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): If you feel the need to explain/justify/apologize for an unexpected spotaneous innocuous show of affection among co-workers IN ADVANCE because you already know bf is going to flip out YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIP AND HIS JEALOUSLY AND SUSPICIONS AND ACCUSATIONS WILL ESCALATE INTO PHYSICAL VIOLENCE!!!!!!!!!!THAT IS A GIVEN.COUNT ON IT!!!!!!!!!!YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM ASAP!!!!!!!After the first time he hits you he'll be so so sorry and he'll swear it will never happen again and things will be "different" from now on and he can "change" and he'll promise you the moon if only you can find it in your heart to give him "one more chance" and take him back. After the second time when he blackens your eye he'll be so so sorry and he'll swear it will never happen again and things will be "different" from now on and he can "change" and he'll promise you the moon if only you can find it in your heart to give him "one more chance" and take him back. After the third time when he sends you to the emergency room he'll be so so sorry . . .
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (1 January 2012):
 Your co-worker was not at all inappropriate. If your boyfriend flips, he is the one out of line. If he is really this insecure and possessive, I think you really need to step back and examine this relationship for what it really is. A relationship should not leave you feeling paranoid!
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (1 January 2012):
 Your partner has problems if he would flip over this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what your co-worker did.
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