A
male
age
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*arkcote
writes:I found out by phone records that my wife was having an affair. she says it was not at all sexual. But she was in contact with this guy while I was out of the house, during work and other times. She even texted with him 26 times in one day after being out late, she forgot to tell me she was going out for drinks with people from work. she was out with him that night and 5 other times. She still swears nothing happened but both of them lied about every aspect of it. I can't get myself to trust her or even believe that nothing happened. someone please help me. I'm at my wits end here.. What am I supposed to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): Hello, I know the feeling. I suspected my bf of sleeping with someone. I can't say I caught them, but there was perfume on my pillow several times in the past 6 months or so. Everytime I ignored it except the last time because that same day I was working late, so on my way to work at lunch time, I spotted him with his friends' gf in the park. Again I didn't think much of it, although I did notice she was trying to blend into the background, sort of seemed to me like she was hoping I didn't see her. So the combination of the look on her face (and she doesn't have a car so I know my bf picked her up!), the perfume on the pillow, the women's socks I found in the laundry 6 months ago, and the long black hair I found on his back a few months ago (my hair is blonde!), sort of pointed in that direction. But what tipped me over the edge, was his total lack of explanation of what they were doing together there. And then he swore on his son's grave he hadn't been with her. I felt so much like I was being manipulated! And now he won't even contact her to get his digital photos from her. Like why is that? If they were "just friends" is there a problem contacting her for something? Seems to me like he "ended" it with her when I found out, and now can't contact her. (because maybe the bf might be mad and go after him???) Because she has a bf that she lives with, and I'm sure there would be some consequences there. I was furious. He never admitted to it, but come on, you have to listen to your intuition. Intuition is very powerful. However, I do forgive my bf. I love him very much. But I was so angry because I haven't had sex for months cause he never wants to. So I was feeling like I'm there for all the "work" and she gets the fun when I'm the one busting my butt.... Just so much anger.... Things are still not back to normal for me and my bf. We have sort of broken up. I feel that if he loved me, he would have tried a lot harder to convince me that there was nothing between them. It seems to me his reaction was more of one of "defending himself" rather than reassuring me that he even cared about me. Anyways, he has shut down and we hardly see each other anymore. I want to move on with my life.
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male
reader, markcote +, writes (2 April 2009):
markcote is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy wife and I are starting counceling on Tuesday the 7th. We'll see what happens. Right now I'm suspicious of everything she does. I haven't found a throw away phone as a couple of people mentioned she might have. She has been very attentive, maybe too much at once. She still sticks to her story that nothing happened. I still can't believe it If I can't get to a point where I can trust her again... It's over.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): yes, plse don't be fooled that she has stopped seeing this guy. us women, we also tend to be devious and cover our tracks. I actually forgot about disposable cells theres days. That is a great possibility. After speaking to him 26 times in 1 day, to now not 1 phone call ever. Strange.
I am wondering why both their stories don't add up. Why are they lying. What do they have to hide if they did not do anything wrong.
you need to get to the bottom of this. right now you are still emotional but your wife needs to know that you are taking control of your emotions and you will not tolerate her betrayal. Do not contact the other man if you are not 100% in control, your feelings and the betrayal is still so fresh in your mind.
Do you have children? Perhaps confiding in them will also help clear your mind, and also help you with some answers that you so desperately need.
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A
male
reader, InterCntlCHmp  +, writes (30 March 2009):
If there where just platonic friends then why would the contact all of a sudden stop??
She probably is cheating and now has a cheap disposable cell phone that she uses to contact her fella.
You should contact the other guy and meet him. I would have to think that she is cheating (or using drugs).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): your wife violated your trust therefore you cannot forgive her right now. you need to ask her why? why did she emotionally cheat with this other man. what did he provide her that you were not. she met him so many times, just to talk - talk about what? is she remorseful that she cheated. is she sorry? how is her behaviour now. can you talk to her. please get to the bottom of this or else it will eat at you and consume you. you both need marriage conselling and therapy. is she willing to attend. does your wife still have contact with this OM. If so, she needs to stop. if she values you and your marriage she has to start working on your marriage. NOW. As for you, you are going to have both good days and some bad, some tortuous bad days but TOGETHER you both can move forward. I am sure you want to salvage your marriage so please start now. AND start communicating. I am so sorry you are going through this. I pray that time heals and that both you and your wife salvage this marriage. BUT she needs to come clean and be HINEST. A marriage can only survive through honesty and communication. Good luck.
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male
reader, markcote +, writes (28 March 2009):
markcote is verified as being by the original poster of the question I want to thank everyone for all your responses. I really need to talk about this. My wife and I have talked about this and she swears nothing happened, no kissing no touching.. nothing. It's just very difficult to believe since they did get together 4 or 5 times. I thought I was getting through it until a couple of things just triggered it again. I had to pay the phone bill knowing the extra charges were from her texting him and the phone calls. I tried calling her after work and no answer right away... so imediately I start thinking "Here we go again". But I have checked the phone records and there hasn't been a single contact by her cell phone, texting or calls.
I'm going back and forth with her thinking I can trust her then I start thinking there is no way I can. I know she is hurting too. I get close to her and then push her away. I guess it's something I'm just going to have to deal with it if I want this to work. The uncertainty is the worst part of it I think. The fact that she lied just hurts so much. I feel like I lost my best friend.
Therapy would probably be the best thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): What I am gonna say is easier said than done. Please dont take offense. You are 50+ so I think I can share my thoughts regarding this with you. Are you afraid she may leave you? That seems to me that only valid fear about a straying partner. We all need stability in our relationship. We all want to feel secure. I believe it is possible for her to love you all the same, even if she is having an affair (which we cant tell for sure yet) You have to find that out. Forgiving and forgetting is actually a better solution to many things. Since at your age you will have a lot of experience and maturity, I think you will be able to do that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): HI,
I agree that you should talk to her, maybe even try therapy, if you think that is necessary. I understand that you are hurt, and if you think about it, even if it wasn't sexual, she still lied.
I think that you should determine what you want. Do you want an apology, do you want to figure out what happened, do you want to leave?
Once you figure that out, then move forward. Just remember that if you want to know why--you might not like the answer. That is up to you.
Good luck.
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male
reader, DLover +, writes (27 March 2009):
It really looks like she is having an affair, but it is not 100% sure.
It's hard to think up something to do... maybe you should ask to meet that guy and see how she reacts ? Then, you could meet the guy and see how things look.
I disagree with OtherStarfish on one point: forgiving an affair when she is married ?!? I'm not religious, but I think it is immoral for her to cheat on you, even more because you are married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): but nothing happened - she spoke to someone thats all.
talk to her and lay down the rules - you then have to learn to forgive and eventually forget (when you do this, please tell me how)
Star.x.
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