A
female
age
41-50,
*oojoe
writes:I am in a time of my life where I am so happy. I met a wonderful man back in early July at a time when I just ended a relationship with emotionally unavailable man. My boyfriend is a wonderful man. He makes me feel loved, adored, safe, respected and trusted. He is so kind, affectionate and attentive and I don't feel it to be over bearing. Today I sit here for the first time in 3 months feeling some concern. My boyfriend is 12 years older than me. He is tall, slim, trains regularly and is very self conscious about his image. He is always smartly turned out. He does drink daily of an evening and smokes socially.In the last couple of weeks, when having sex, he has been losing his erections. He puts it down to performance anxiety and says it is not me - he loves me and fancies me but he wants sex to be amazing for me everytime. I LOVE having sex with him and I do find it awesome. I am trying so hard to trust what he says, to push away the doubts in my mind that are starting to creep in. I can feel he is sensing that I am worried and we are going to soon fall into a Catch 22 situation whereby my worry makes him panic even more.How can I help us overcome this? We do talk - I ask him to tell me what he likes and that I am keen to learn. Am I putting on pressure just by asking this? I never turn away in a huff, I am not instigating sex at the moment. I am just going to bed and cuddling up with him and stroking his back and kissing him lots to try and get him to relax.I am losing my confidence in my own abilities now. I have never been a great one for dirty talk because I am a little bit shy. This is a BIG cry for help for anyone who can give me tips on what i can do to help find the problem and solve it. I cannot let this problem grow and lose the best thing in my life.Thank you!!
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confidence, erection, kissing, shy, smokes Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, koojoe +, writes (12 October 2010):
koojoe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi all!thank you for taking the time to respond. we had this past weekend together and had some excellent intimate time together! i started it at a party we went to when a question came up of, 'if you were allowed one celebratory to have a 'pass' to your bed, who would it be'. my b/f picked Julia Roberts and I picked Colin Farrell and justified it by saying 'I bet he could be really, dirty in bed'.Well, this earnt me some raised eyebrows and later on back home, we got into bed. I made no demands on him. We just laid their cuddling and b/f asked about the 'how do you mean, 'dirty'? in what way'? and so a little dirty talk got him REALLY fired up and got him to open up about what kind of things he likes in bed.so, i learnt a bit more about him and now know he likes me talk about what i want him to do to me. that defo gets him turned on and keeps him up too. hoorah!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): This is not at all uncommon, and at his age, it can be a regular thing. Best you can do is reassure him you don't care (I realize you may, but for now, try not to). Divert the sexual activities elsewhere other than whatever acts of sex cause him to lose it. If he loses it during penetration, try oral, if he loses it during oral, try a handjob. Or just keep trying th esensual touch and massage you are doing...good going!
Maybe get adventurous and do poses or positions that are especially dirty and get his sexual thoughts flowing. erections and orgasms are mainly mental, nt physically driven.
If all else fails, CAREFULLY suggest he gets it checked out. It may be a physical issue.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 Hi well am afriad there is nothing you can do sorry to tell you this, this is common in men, and then they get embarresed and it only gets worse. try not to worry as this is not anything to do with you believe me, am sure he does still find you attractive and it must be difficult on his ego that this is happening, but i think the best way to deal with this is try and have a romantic night in have a candle lit dinner and then see if things can heating up if they dont then am afraid that your man is going to have to go to his doctors to make sure that there is nothing medically wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): First things first. Back off from the alcohol. If that doesn't do it, maybe he should see a doctor.
I'm sure this is a tremendous strain on him, and you're right, every time "the time" comes, he worries himself into a lost erection.
When men are young, alcohol gives us a non stop erection. However,when we get older,,,, it can send our mind one way but our body another.....
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