A
male
age
36-40,
*ylux
writes: Ok so this is where it starts, I had been living in Shanghai for about 1 year at the time of meeting my current GF. She is Chinese and just 20yrs old now. I am 29. We share just about everything in common, with both dj, Im a chef, she loves to cook, she tokes, I blaze, she is super artistic, I am super creative, so on and so forth. We also both share a vision for our future business ideas. All n all everything just seems like it should be smooth sailing based on our apparent love for each other. She has always been supportive of my aspirations and never gives me drama about the things I want to do. The kindness that she shows my family is unreal, and she is always up for anything. The only problem is the fact that sometimes, more often than I would like we just get into stupid arguments that turn into a bugger deal than I could of ever imagined. Example, I feel stressed financially and when I am at the office paying rent with her I take the cash out of my pocket and she tries to take it to go have it counted in the machine. I deflect her reach and give the money directly to the agent. No biggie, just done with a little attitude given my stress in the moment. She then feels very hurt from this action and proceeds to say something like "screw you motherfucker" I am a little surprised and inquire as to why such the big deal with a gesture of my arm, and she gives me more attitude. By the time we get home 4 minutes later, shit has as escalated to point where she is now isolating herself her little study corner. I am calm, honestly thinking her pouty nature is a tad cute, so I send some playful insults her way like "buttface". Then all of a sudden KABOOM! as the the space heater gets kicked to the floor. From there the crying ensues followed by a string of high octane verbal abuse that leaves me in a moment of disbelief. I call her out on losing it rather than being able to compose herself and just talk out her problem with me. This in turn just fuels her fire. I then give up and let her wear herself out where I am then able to talk to her once she has simmered. I see the fact that I could just leave her be and let her decompress but it angers me that she has to be so out of control from the get-go over petty shit. There is a physical abuse element to this as well but that beast only comes out when I A. Don't give her the space she needs to cool off when she gets all fired up or B. I block her way when she is trying to storm into another room. The thing that usually makes me interject in her cool down phase is when she can't cool down fast enough and feels the need to throw/destroy something. I mean do I need to buy her a designated stuffed animal or something for her to go postal on when she feels the need? My sister and mom feel that she is bossy and a bit controlling as well as someone that needs to be constantly appeased. Although this whole element doesn't seem super apparent to me. I love to give her baby talk and find her to be pretty damn cute. I just wish she would not lose it so big time over what seems to be pretty trivial situations. If she does something to offend or hurt me I call her out and let her know in a calm fashion how I am feeling. I have been in a dysfunctional relationship before, but this one is not like that. Although the string of pretty high octane drama has been going since about 4 mo. into our relationship. In the time we have been together I have really seen progress in her blowouts, they are not nearly as destructive as before and happen with less frequency. What keeps me hanging on is the hope of really sharing the picture perfect dream we have in our minds together. I feel if I could just get over the minor hiccups in the relationship by achieving a new found perspective and understanding of each other it would all be so gravy. Thoughts?
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male
reader, Dylux +, writes (17 January 2015):
Dylux is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thanks for the responses ladies, I feel pain from reading these responses. That must mean they are all hitting close to home. Except the misogynistic ass part. I love women and appreciate them fully. I need too grow up and really see my part in all these situations. I genuinely thank all of you for taking the time to respond to my question. It really means a lot to me. I am going to talk to her now with the perspective gained from these responses.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 January 2015):
 You know you could avoid all this crap by learning how to TREAT her right? IF she RETREATS to her "corner" then GIVE her the space, don't KICK her in the face with a (absolutely not) "cute" insult.
And maybe, you two aren't a GOOD fit as a couple. It sounds overall really really dysfunctional and unhealthy.
And you also seem to forget there IS a HUGE cultural difference here too. Upbringing in a Chinese family versus Western is a pretty big gap.
Personally, I wouldn't stay in a relationship that had these escalations, verbal and physical abuse. No way, no how.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (16 January 2015):
you really need to get real. there is no such thing as a perfect dream. you need to work towards it every day. now if you wanted a well behaved doll, you should make yourself one. you can't expect her to be all fluffy and cozy and loving all the time. you think its okay to give her attitude because its justified by the fact that you have some kind of financial issues. and then you think its not okay for her to act out when she is hurt?? both the things are a let out to some kind of emotions, aren't they?
The only good part is you want to work at it. stop creating an illusion in your head. see things for what they are and love that your gf isn't just pretending to be something she isn't. if you love her accept that as a part of her. n you say yourself that she has been trying to get a grip on her blow offs. have you maybe considered that that's her way off letting off piled up steam over a whole load of things? sometimes, the pettiest things can be a trigger for pent up steam. stop trying to fix her. really. realize she is perfect just the way she is.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 January 2015):
 Deflecting her reach so she cant take the money to the machine for counting, why? If there is a machine there surely the usual thing to do would be to use it, why did you feel it was necessary to rebuff her in such a way? You admit you did it with attitude.
You know this has upset her and yet you use a non verbal arm action asking whats the big deal ...... and you dont understand why this exacerbates the situation?
And when the two of you get home, she removes herself for some quiet time, or as you so nicely put it, the little woman retreated to her little study corner, and rather than acknowledge her feelings you think her pout and hurt are cute?
And then, the big strong manly man that you are gets pissed off because she is angry. Well hey, guess what, smart arse who asks if you need to go buy a stuffed animal to calm her down, either this whole question is a piss take or you are a right misogynistic ass hat.
I hope she wakes up to what you are and dumps you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2015): I would approach the situation 1) regain her trust. She reached to take the money out of your hand to count it. Start by being honest with her about whatever you done to make her act in that manner. 2) Discuss options to eliminate the financial tension between the two of you. Perhaps getting a second job. 3) I must ask do you work? If not, and she pays for every thing then let her take credit for it. Why are you going together to pay the rent. Its her money let her pay alone. 4) Learn to go Dutch. If you can't afford it then don't do it. 5) Write her a letter about how you feel, and let her come up with solutions for you two endure a permanent relationship.
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