A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Im getting married in a year and a half to my fiancee. We have an 8 year age gap and I love him very much. With the past month though I feel I am cracking up.I'm not sure am I just over thinking or what but I feel he is letting me down alot. It all started around christmas every year he always made a huge effort with christmas presents that would blow me away it could be a beautiful neck lace or a watch with beautiful diamonds this year I also went way out and got him a hamper of all his favourite stuff and an xbox one which cost about 500 euro.He kept telling me i know youll love your gifts so much one matches something you have already!! I thought it has to be jewellerybut When i opened what he got me i ended up with a mug box of sweets and a pair of slippers at the time i tried to act so happy but inside i could feel my heart breaking because all my other friends got jewellery laptops and what not and I felt awkward telling what i got and when i did they kinda where like oh right and smirked, im usually a girl who dwells on the thought that counts but i ended up loving my christmas card more than the presents. When he knew he kinda did really bad this year he told me he has my birthday present planned and he would take me on a trip for a weekend to paris when my birthday began to creep up i dropped the hint and he replied 'babe i was dreaming we can't afford it haha' And again i felt my heart sink .For my engagement last august he told me he was going to whisk me off to Venice and propose when the time was right words could not describe how excited i was and in the end he didnt fulfil that promise either and brought me to a beach which was nice but i just felt so disapointed . Its not that i am a spoiled brat or anything its just I hate when he promises me something that gets me excited and then lets me down so much it breaks who i am inside am i not wrong?. He is always saying he will buy me 50 roses someday he has said this 2 years now like he bought his ex fiancee but to this day as many hints as i drop i never got them which makes me feel she must have been worth a hell of a lot more than me and when i mentioned a flower last time we had a huge fight one night. I just feel my relationship isnt as great as i had hoped it was great! But now it is just not special the last time i got flowers was from a supermarket when he had a huge fight with me that i ended up crying myself to sleep. Im on my own all day when he is at work and when he comes hope he basically gulps his dinner and watches tv all night and i still feel alone. Even sex he is always tired or says later then it gets so late he says you should have reminded me, i feel he takes me for granted. I just don't feel special anymore around him. Its like the cat has got his prey and no longer feels he has to make me feel special. I tried my best to keep him happy and i feel i am always the pne buying him gifts these days. Do you think i should do something? I get so depressed the more i think of how lonely i feel at night sitting there waiting for a conversation to happen or a kiss or sex. Please help. Am i over reacting? I just don't know what to feel at this stage.I'd like to add he does not cheat.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2015): You are so young to be in a relationship and not be happy.
You appear to be very materialistic. If you don't believe he can provide and not make you happy. I'd say leave and find someone who will be able to give you what you want.
Question is - how ready are you to leave?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2015): You answered your own question in this statement: "Its like the cat has got his prey and no longer feels he has to make me feel special." I agree that he is taking you for granted. A few Aunts and Uncles have brought up a good point about you keeping busy. You implied that you are not working. Why not? It would be good for your relationship if you had your own responsibilities and your own daily errands to tend to. If you yourself had aspirations and goals that don't revolve around him. When you depend too much on a guy, it will usually hurt your relationship because the guy may feel a little suffocated and in turn may resent you for it. I think getting you an inexpensive Christmas gift and replying, 'babe i was dreaming we can't afford it haha,' when you brought up the getaway, might have been his way of telling you he feels he is pulling all the weight in the relationship, and it is starting to hurt his wallet. And perhaps his ego too. And he is starting to resent you for it. Besides Christmas and birthdays, what do you contribute to your and his household on a daily basis? He works all day so I assume he brings in the bulk of your household income. In turn, you should be keeping busy everyday from 9 to 5, even if you are not working. Clean the house, do the laundry, fold some clothes, buy groceries, cook dinner, send out a resume a day. Be thoughtful. He works all day so put yourself in charge of doing the shopping, buying each other's toiletries. When you go shopping for yourself, be sure to pick stuff up for him too. Maybe he needs new work shirts or he needs new socks. In addition, you should be actively looking for a job so that you can help contribute to the bills you both share. Not only that but if you two are engaged, I assume you have a wedding coming up and those aren't cheap. With all your expenses, money seems to be on his mind. And perhaps he feels a bit overwhelmed. Showing your love and devotion for someone isn't measured by how extravagant of a gift you get them once a year for their birthday or for a holiday. That's nice and all but real love is measured by your day to day actions and your daily contributions to the relationship. I can't be sure but I suspect that, while you give great gifts at Christmas time, you are not really pulling your weight the rest of the 364 days of the year. I think you need to step up and take a more active role in the drudgeries of day to day living, for the sake of your relationship. He will respect you more. As for him promising you stuff then not following through, well clearly that is not cool. I agree, that is very wrong. What I suggest you do is start working and start developing your own life and purpose, by taking on more responsibilities and making it a habit to be more active and productive everyday. Once you do this, you'll have a better leg to stand on, you'll feel more confident with yourself and will be in a better position to speak up when you need to. Not only that but he will respect you more, and will in turn probably stop taking you for granted.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 January 2015):
 Not cheating doesn't mean he's someone you NEED to hold on to.
You're not happy, and I remember your posts from before. Things haven't improved, and the disappointments started even before his proposal. It all comes down to you not actually wanting this man. It'll take you a while to realize this, but you are making a mistake marrying him, because if he was truly who you wanted to marry, then none of this would matter to you! You need to take this as a big sign that says you're not actually in love with this man.
You are in love with an IDEA of who he should be: a guy who buys you nice thoughtful gifts which you can brag about to friends, a guy who takes you away to Venice and proposes, a guy who buys you roses, a guy who makes you feel like the number one woman in his life, a guy who makes you feel like all his exes were nothings.
But reality is you feel disappointed, you feel unimportant, you feel taken for granted. Promises are broken, and at this point I think you will be surprised if he does something he's promised, and I think it'll be too little too late. What if he shows up with 50 roses tomorrow? Will you be happy? I don't think you will, I think you will just be sad and think about all the times you wish he'd have done that, and how much it hurt that he didn't.
I know how that feels, I've been having the same feeling in past relationships. My ex used to tell me how we'd live together, and I was so looking forward to it, and he said "next year" or "next summer" or "after Christmas", but nothing ever came of it. When I argued with him he told me he'd move in with me, but I wasn't happy about that at all. I was miserable, because it was just too little too late. After all the times he said we'd move in together, after all the time I kept hoping for it, waiting for it, when he finally gave me a date for the move I didn't get happy at all. I didn't actually believe he would follow through with it, I thought it was just another thing he said, and I would just end up being disappointed because nothing would ever happen.
I'd rather be with a man who WANTED to move in with me, out of his own free will, and not leave me hanging there waiting for it... Same as you'd rather be with a man who gave you those 50 roses, rather than just sit and talk about how he'll do it one day... Because when that day finally comes, it'll be too late.
I think you will just continue to be sad. Sure you will have your happy moments with him too. But he's not the guy you want, you want this guy "if only this and that would change". Whenever you feel this way about a man, know that he is not the one for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 January 2015):
 I remember you post.
I remember answering it.
I see that nothing has changed, and YOU are still there, so you MUST be getting something out of this relationship. The fact that you are still engaged and living with him makes me think that you are NOT a very independent young woman. You are 21? And not working? Why? Why are you not out there making your own money? Making sure that if THIS guy doesn't WORK OUT that you can stand on your own two feet?
This relationship WILL NOT improve upon marriage. He IS who he is and it seems he not only take you for granted, he takes you as his build in maid/housekeeper/cook/warm body in bed.
He bought you slipper, sweets and a MUG for Christmas? I'm not normally one for going over the top with presents, but THAT.... is what you give someone you BARELY know, or an elderly aunt who collects mugs or what not. IMPERSONAL gift.
For me it's NOT about the price of a gift, it's about what kind of THOUGHT went INTO the selecting that gift. My husband who is NOT a great gift-giver gave me exactly what I wanted, and I hadn't even TOLD him what I really wanted. HE took the time to check my Wish List and scroll through 4 pages of "stuff" I'd like, and picked the one HE felt was the best idea for ME, he bought it.
He KEEPS "selling" Sand in Sahara to you. By making all these outrageous fantasies like week-end in Paris or proposing in Venice - but he DOESN'T follow through... Because he KNOWS he already "has" you for EXTRA effort is not needed, you AREN'T WORTH that to him. TO put in that effort. He is STRINGING you along with fantasies.
Honey, stand on your own two feet. Get a job, FIND your worth. What you have with him sounds more like a couple in their 70+ not 20's.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (16 January 2015):
 continued....
without living together, Anonymous123, how could you know if you could handle the quirks and habits your partner have? Sometimes that's the deciding vote on whether they are compatible long term and should still get married....
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (16 January 2015):
You need to get over the materialistic stuff if he really can't afford it - that said, a thought is empty if you tell them you can get it when you know that you can't (which is different than saying "I wanted to get you ____ but couldn't afford it, I hope you like these though".)
He is who he is and it won't magically change after marriage. He seems like he may be thinking "well, I've got her know, so I won't try as hard to make her feel special". Take it or leave it, OP :/
Out of curiosity, what do his actions tell you? Not his wallet or his promises, but the way he is with you on a daily basis? And why are you home alone all day, yet can afford to buy him an Xbox One? If you can get a job, you should do because it's not healthy for you to be dependent on him, especially if it doesn't work out between the two of you.
Just a question to Anonymous123.... Surely it would be better to find this out before marriage than after? I mean, without living together (I don't mean joining finances, by the way)
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (16 January 2015):
 He sounds lazy and apathetic. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Don't marry him.
Why are you home all day doing nothing? Take some time out and work out what you really want from life. Set some goals, and do something about them. Get a job, do some charity work, go to college or whatever. It's not healthy to be sat around all day living an aimless life.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 January 2015):
 See this is why I'm not a fan of living together before marriage because if you're giving the guy everything that he would get in a marriage, why on earth would he even go that extra mile to make you happy now?
You've said it yourself that you try your best to keep him happy. That, OP, is the problem. You've been so good to him that he doesn't even feel the need to do anything for you anymore because he's so used to having his needs met without making any efforts.
Stop doing things for him and stop going out of your way to make him feel special. He's not the king of the world and even if he was, he's jolly lucky to have you in his life and he should realize that. Assuming you're 21 and he's 29, there's quite a big age gap. He should be doting on you but instead he's behaving like the cat that got the cream because he's got this young girl fawning all over him.
OP you cant force or even for that matter, ask anyone to *do* things for you to show their appreciation because its a feeling that comes from within. You may love the guy but he's not giving you the attention that you want. You're young OP, you have your entire life ahead of you. Why do you want to get married this early anyway? And if you do, do you see your life changing anytime soon? He'll still come home to his wife, gulp his dinner, watch TV, maybe have the obligatory sex for 10 mins and then turn around and sleep. He's just become so complacent in his relationship and has taken you for granted in such a way, that he doesn't feel the need to work on the relationship.
Are you studying / working? Focus on that and get a life of your own, one that's independent of him. I don't think he'll really change and even if he does make an effort, its doubtful if he'll sustain it for too long. Its now a question of you having to adapt. Either you settle for what you have or you choose a new life.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 January 2015):
 I think you are right, he is taking you for granted. After all there is no reason for him to try and impress you, he already has you right where he wants you, reliant on him for everything, even a bit of conversation it seems.
Why are you sitting at home alone all day, why aren't you out working, or studying or doing other stuff?
Think about the life you have, sitting around waiting for him to come home, watching him gulp a meal you have taken the time to prepare rather than share the experience of eating with you, he prefers the television to talking to you, you are sad, and you are lonely and you are wondering what the hell.
Guess what, if you feel this lonely at the age you are now, imagine how lonely and miserable you are going to feel after you have lived this life for another five, or ten or even 20 years. Consider it for a moment, is that really where you want to be heading?
Don't get married yet, its time to put some life into the existence you are living, and only you can create that life for yourself, so get up off your backside, do something during the day, get a job or go and study, dont be sitting there waiting for him to come home with the dinner on the table, let him get his own bloody dinner, and dont sit there brooding at night, if he wont do stuff with you, go do it for yourself, go to night school and learn the tango or something, anything, you have to start making some changes now, be your own catalyst for change, because once you start to change he will either have to change with you or be left behind eating dust.
Go on, you can do it!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 January 2015):
 You've posted this before, I guess you didn't like the responses. I notice that you stay home while he works, who pays all the bills? Are you totally dependent on him? Are you buying his presents with his money?
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