A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I need some serious advice. And I don't know what to do any more. Over the last ten days I have lost a lot of people from my life, and even though I enjoy my own company I am starting to get the point where I don't really have many people in my life. It started 10 days ago, I have two young cousins, 4 and 2 years old, I loved them so much, they would be dropped off by there dad every week to spend time with me, my mum and our grandma. They are even more precious to me because there mother (my aunt) died about 2 years ago due to cancer, so I treasured them even more. However their father who was my aunts husband has never liked us, he only used us for free day care basically when he wanted, and due to his dad retiring he stopped bringing them round. We called him a few times, he tried to return the call once but me and my family took it as we were no longer needed. Six weeks passed and I contacted him via facebook being nice, he saw my messages and didn't reply, so I lost it, I told him what I thought of him, and he then decided to blame the fact that we couldn't see the boys on me, and with drew them from our lives. I also have a bestfriend who I have known for two years, I had always been there for him, helped him all the time. He started ignoring me too, for what reason I don't know, I brought this up with him and he said we would do something soon, but didn't speak again. I had an emergency earlier invovling a mutual friend of ours, I tried to get in touch but he saw my messages and ignored me, so I told him how upset and pissed off I was that I was being ignored for no reason, just because he feels he can pick me up and drop me when he wants. I have had no reply and can't be dealing with this anymore. I have Bipolar and have been dealing with it well, but i'm worried this is going to make it worse. I now only have two friends, and two family members left, how should I deal with this?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 August 2014):
 I don't know if you'll " get " my answer, and I am sure you won't like it, but, FWIW,...
people CAN " pick you up and drop you " when they want,to some extent. It IS fair. They are allowed to. Within limits,of course.
I'll try to explain. Relationships are not about control, nor about NEED, nor about tit-for- that. " I did X for you, so you must be here for me " " I need you to make me feel good about myself so etc. ". Relationships are about freedom. You accept people in your life because you like them, because they bring you joy, because you want to bring joy to THEM- but always with respect of their needs , wants and timing . People may love you dearly, but still for whatever reason want to have some space- maybe they are having problems that they deal best with on their own. Maybe they are just going through a lazy, not very social phase ,maybe, au contraire, they have found new options / pursuits / people that they are curious about and want to give time to. Maybe ... 100 things. You need to respect that. You don't OWN people. If you have been going to the movies every saturday night with friend Betty, she still does not OWE you to keep you company every saturday, and you should not take offense of she does not. Let people breathe, let them have space, let them ebb and flow. If it is a real friendship ( love / affection etc. ) they will come back the same as before. It's the HOW that counts, not the how often.
Of course that's not an encouragement to let people use you and exploit you and wipe their feet on you. But, with a little practice, it's not difficult to see the difference between someone who wants to use you, and someone who simply refuses to be your emotional crutch or to develop a fusional r/ ship with you. A friend who ONLY calls you if she needs to copy your homework.... a boy who ONLY comes around when he wants a sexual act that maybe his gf is refusing him... eh well, no thanks, obviously.
But your best friend, I think he is not " ignoring " you as such. He said you'll do something together soon, and it's only ten days. It's still soon, and he has a life. He does not owe to entertain you because you don't have much of an alternative social life, the solution would be to expand your social circle, not to cling to the few people you know for dear life and make them feel smothered.
You talk about an emergency involving a mutual friend, pardon my skepticism, but I can imagine the level of " emergency " at your age. Many things feel like an emergency, which they are not. An emergency is a house on fire, "let's go save our mutual friend from the flames." All the rest may have felt like an emergency to you because your social focus is so narrow,- but not to him ( your best friend ). Maybe he just stepped back a bit from the " drama ", and from your emotional - or over emotional- outbursts. Remember that at the end of the day , you are responsible for what you feel, and for the managing of your feelings and emotions - you should not ask other people to fix them for you. Maybe your friend felt a little invaded, a little overwhelmed and just wanted to step back a little.
But suppose he IS a young cold uncaring bastard ( in which case btw, you haven't lost much )- suppose that you had the right to expect him to act in a different, more supportive way. You take more flies with honey than with vinegar, it's not with accusations and showdowns that you get to the core of what's wrong. " You should " and " how could you do this to me " are the most tiresome expression of the English language , they put people immediately on the defensive and they MAKE them want to distance themselves from you. You told him how " upset " and " PISSED OFF " you were , because he was not superprompt in giving you time and attention ?... Good luck with that , there's no better way to alienate people and making them want NOT to deal with you.
Once again, it's not a matter of becoming unassertive or a doormat or fawning - it's a fine line, a balance between asking for what you want ( support, companionship ... ) in a clear way,- but also understanding that , for whatever reason, at times the answer from the other person can legitimately be a no.
Ditto for your little cousins, yes it's sad, I am sure you got attached to them, but you have to understand that you need to respect their DAD's decision. If you want to question them inside you, fine- but you can't CHALLENGE a parent about whom he wants to give HIS kids. That's nerve, and won't go down well ( it didn't ). You said you were nice to him first, then you " lost it ". You shoot yourself in your foot ! First, if he did not respond to your first message ( he was rude, ok ) anyway that means that for reasons of his that are not for you to debate, his mind was made and he feels the current arrangement is the best for his kids. Second, if instead of " losing it " as you had no right whatsoever to do because he does not OWE you to let you babysit his kids, you had gone to him, I am not saying hat-in -hand, but supernice again " dear cousin, I know you are a busy person, and I am sure that your kids are very happy with their grandpa, but as you know I love them to bits and miss them very much, I don't want to impose but could we please arrange so that I can meet them every now and then ?... I realize that logistically it may be inconvenient, but your kids are so lovely and such a source of joy to me that it would really make my day blah blah blah ". What do you say..., laying it on too thick ? Ah well, see what you've got acting enitled instead ! You don't understand that HE is in charge and he is under no obligation either to appease you or even to LIKE you. You can't blow up at people because they don't like you ! They have the right to not like you as a person, or as a company for their kids.
Said all that , OP, - take heart. In time it will all be allright. You emotions are a bit all over the place, there's a tendnecy to catastrophize, and a neediness that's the killjoy of social interactions, and you may need a little time, and help to keep those under control. I suppose it has got to do with your Bipolar Disorder, are you being helped with that ? Are you taking mood stabilizers, are you currently indergoing therapy ?..
It WILL go better, but you need to be constant and persistent in dealing with your condition.
Other than that, OP, you are very young, at some point you will realize that people come and go in and out of your life, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, things change, needs change in time, YOU change. Some people is only supposed to be there for a limited period of your life, only to be substituted by other people that are more appropriate for the stage you are at. It's like a movie : there will be few lead characters that are vital to the whole story ( hopefully your parents, your children, your very best friend from childhood... ) and all the others, are just there for a few scenes to help you make the plot go on.
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