A
male
age
30-35,
*av1557
writes:My fiance of four and a half years has told me that she wants to end things. Shed coming to see me in a few weeks to end it in person.her reasons are that she says her feelings have changed and that she no longer gets excited wen she sees me and that she doesn't miss me when in not with her. She said she still loves me but not in the same way. shed suffered and recovered from depression and recently lost close family.i really don't know what to do, in absolutely heart broken and emotionally breaking up. There were no warning signs this was happening its like a switch was flicked in the space of under one month shed changed her mind, i just dnt understand it. I really need some help and advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): She could have been cheating, you may never know, and she took the cowardly way out not to speak with you properly but I think it is maybe for the best. It will be very painful, there is no way to avoid it unfortunately. I'm glad you have friends who are there for you.
I wish there were an amnesia pill we could take to just forget some people and events but unfortunately there isn't one so we have to go through it. Some things are just better off being totally erased from your mind.
Try to avoid things that remind you of your x and don't go to places you used to go to if she visited you there. You are lucky that you don't live near her because it will be easier in the long run not to be constantly reminded of it all hopefully.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): I think she spared your feelings, and avoided being forced to give a drawn-out explanation why she's leaving you.
Trust me, an explanation why someone wants to end a relationship with you when you don't want to, doesn't make you feel any better.
Your mind is resistant to the rejection, and your ego is damaged; because you don't have control over her feelings.
Well, now your mind has no choice but to accept it. It just wont be easy. She is totally correct to go no contact. If she didn't, you'd hold on to false hope; and keep pushing her for explanations. Now you're trying to find blame to justify your anger. Accusations of cheating is just being mean. If she was with someone before breaking-up? Well, I guess that's all the more reason to let go. At this point, it doesn't matter.
Man-up and deal with it. You can't hold onto people that want to leave you. You'll heal and get over it. Detaching is the hardest part.
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male
reader, dav1557 +, writes (10 October 2014):
dav1557 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, thank you for the replies, she never came in person, she just ended over the phone in the end, the only reason she gave was she just felt like we were friends and no longer felt the same way,i asked her for a further explanation but never got one, she always said she would want to stay friends but has ended all contact with me, Thiers no animosity but i feel like i deserved a better explanation and at least some form of communication. Though my friends have been absolute rocks for me and are helping me a lot i am finding it really hard when im alone and finding myself really really low and unhappy and lonely, im also struggling with some slight paranoia that she may have been seeing some else in the month when i first moved and that's what caused the breakup,im pretty sure this is pure paranoia but the way she ended ut and the zero communication after that, when initially she said she would end it in person makes me wonder if something happens she didn't say about. IM finding this so so hard and really struggling to cope with the changes , i was happy with ger and had all my future planned now everything's in scraps and i just don't know where to turn,im trying to fund other things to focus on and keep me occupied but im finding my mind constantly thinking back and wishing there had been anything i could have done to change things. , her aunty even messaged me to ask how i was but im pretty sure she did this without my ex fiancés knowledge which threw me a bit although a nice gesture i dnt know what to make if it. If any has ant advice i would be grateful.so far the advice here has been great and helped me, like i said my friends are absolute ricks for me atmbut im struggling to cope the rwzt of the time and i cant be around my friends all the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): I would try to talk you your family anyway, tell them your feelings, don't bottle them up, it may bring you all closer together, family is there to support each other in times like this. Maybe you can join a support group also if there are any for this type of situation.
When you meet with your fiance, tell her your feelings, say everything you want to, whatever that may be, don't worry about being "weak" or "strong", just be yourself. Life is too short not to say what you need to communicate to those who have been a huge part of your life.
(((Hugs))) to you, somehow you will come out the other side of this and I think it is in the cards that you will meet someone who doesn't suffer from this type of depression and find that intimacy again with someone else.
Exercise is good, try some comfort foods too and some wine, just don't go overboard with the alcohol etc. Try writing in a journal, put all of your thoughts and feelings down to vent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2014): I would not recommend you to tell her not to bother to come.
You need to receive closure through the final speech. It will erase doubt, add finality, and you will not hold-out on false hope. Your subconscious needs it to begin the detaching process. Moving on doesn't begin, until the subconscious-mind grasps the reality that it is over.
Closure doesn't mean the same for all people. For weak people, it's a chance to beg and plead for someone to stay. An opportunity to dramatize and put on an emotional performance to change things through pity. It's below your dignity to do this. You want love, not pity.
For the strong, it closes the book.
You'll get through it.
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A
male
reader, dav1557 +, writes (7 August 2014):
dav1557 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies, we have only just started been ldr in the last month, the reason for that was shed goin to do her pgce so it made more sense for me to move home n start saving money for when she finished. when she lost her family member i was supportive and by her side at times she did push me away a bit but i stuck through it cause knew she needed me there.i have never been so close emotionally or ny other way with ny else like i am with her , its has shatters my entire world my family and friends r supportive but their not great with feelings and in struggling to find people i can talk to about it. i have started excesrcsing to try and give myself something to focus on but im hurting a lot.im finding it hard, i never thought this would happen our relationship was great and have gotten each other through some tough times. i hadn't and cant see a future without her.thanks for the replies im trying to understand and cope with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2014): So sorry for this. At least she has the decency to see you in person but then on the other hand she has warned you about it ahead of time so now you are distraught since you know what is coming. I would almost be inclined to tell her not to bother to come but this is something that can't be avoided.
You are young and hopefully she wasn't really the love of your life so you will recover over time. I would go out and start doing things to distract yourself if you can although I know you must be pretty devastated. Do you have friends/family who you can talk to about this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2014): Although it may come as a surprise to you, it is likely your fiance' has been feeling this way for some time. You don't instantly come to the decision you want to break a four-year relationship. The ironic thing behind it all is, she has had time to carefully consider her reasons; and everything may seem fine and dandy as far as you can see.
You may want to blame it all on her bout with depression; but many things may have contributed, and one of those things may have been her changing feelings. Apparently, she isn't ready to marry; or is having second-thoughts. Sometimes a partner doesn't see the way he or she affects the feelings of their mate. Often because they don't always speak-up. Or, she may not have been able to articulate her feelings being more considerate of yours. She may be on prescribed medications with side-effects that may cause birth-defects. If you've planned to have children. Her plans for her future may have been significantly changed, due to her past illness.
This is all speculation on my part; but it may minimize the millions of thoughts that you'll agonize over in your mind. Nothing makes you feel better at this point. You're searching for answers. She will no doubt offer all the details.
She has had some major losses; and my have decided she'd rather not face the stress of a relationship/marriage while on her road back to recovery. It's not about blame, but perhaps it is a matter of health.
The anticipation of bad news is agonizing. A spoiler-alert before a breakup is a shot in the heart, and a kick in the balls.
Brother, I know the feeling of being broad-sided. She had a head-start in preparing her own feelings, but you are caught totally off-guard. Well, you know what's down the pike, so there is no further surprise from this point.
I totally know the feeling. I was right where you are, but under totally different circumstances. There was no illness, no engagement, and no family issues. I was told I deserved someone better! WTF!!!! We were having the time of our lives?!?!? So I thought!
You've received a warning, so you can prepare for the inevitable breakup speech; which will be crushing and highly-emotional. I got hit head-on. You will receive your closure; because she has intended to speak to you face to face to explain. She's breaking an engagement. That is very very complicated. Not an easy thing to do.
It is best this way. You have the opportunity to turn to the uncles and aunts for comfort as you wait. We can sooth your nerves and distract you from your pain at least with some opinions and kind words, as temporary painkillers until the moment of truth. Try and get some rest. If you work-out, go break a sweat. Get together with your closest friend, and have a talk. You also need some alone time to purge your emotions.
Guys don't usually dramatize or emotionalize publicly; but we hide and lick our wounds like injured lions. You came to us, and that was a good idea. No drinking or drugging. No crazy acts of desperation. You must be a man about this. You can cope.
Be strong. Listen carefully to what she has to say. Do not allow anger to enter the picture. She has been ill, and you have to consider that. She has been through a lot, so this is not intended to destroy you. It may be her way of sparing you what may be more than you can handle within a marriage. She has lost her enthusiasm for the relationship.
Some women would drag you to the alter first; and then tell you (three years in, with a mortgage, and 2.5 kids later), she's not happy!
She no longer feels the way she used to; so you have to let go, to move on. To get through your grief and start recovery in order to heal. It's not going to feel good for awhile. So there are no words that can stop you from hurting; but having a place to vent your feelings is what you need right now.
It wasn't one month she suddenly turned, as you think.
It is a culmination of things that have led up to this point in her life.
Please give updates to tell us how you feel, and what you are thinking. We will try to guide you through this. There are a lot of great people here, and we have all been were you are. We have come-back from breakups, divorces, and many types of losses. That's why we're here. To help people going through those things at the moment.
I got broadsided while things were going great.
The date was April 27, 2013, at exactly 7:35 pm.
Our relationship lasted only 10 months, in my case.
I've survived. I lost a loving-partner of 28 years, before that. These things are tough, but we get through them.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 August 2014):
 How long have you two been in a LDR? Because many people conducting a long DISTANCe relationship don't make it long term.
I can be partly because of the depression and maybe because she wants someone THERE near her or she needs some alone time.
There isn't much you CAN do, other than talk and listen.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 August 2014):
 I would say this has something to do with her depression. She has this expectation that if only she is with the right person she would be happy. The truth is that when a person is not happy they often blame it on the other person. Is it also possible that she didn't feel you were supportive while she mourned for her family member? There is a general stereotype that when a woman is under stress she needs support from close friends and family, while a man wants to hide and deal with it alone. Did you give her space instead of being there with her? Or did she push you away at that time?
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