A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HelloThis may be a long one!To cut a long story short I was sexually abused as a teenager 10 years ago. For most of my adult life i had been in denial until last year when i was having counsedlling for an eating disorder. I finally admitted and tried to come to terms with what had happened to me. It was a very stressfull time as inaddition to dealing with all of these new emotions i also reported the inccident to the police. I told my partner. He was at first supportive but didnt really want to discuss it much. I have been as open as i can possibly be, i am happy to discuss it with him and answer any questions he has.Our relationship has completly deteriated over the past 6 months. Coming to terms with the abuse has brought back many painfull memories. I have had nightmares and flashbacks. Obviously this has affected my sex drive and the amount me and my partner have had sexI have helped myself as much i possibly can with counselling and speacialist therepy, but my BF just doesnt seem to understand that it will take time for me to heal and he needs to be understanding and paitent. He is frustrated and angry, which i completely understand. I just dont know what to do. we have gone to relationship counselling, but he is unwiilling to accept this will take time to resolve itself. he is moving out because of it. I feel awful and like i have bought this on myself.I dont know if i am being unreasonable or he is being selfish?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe left last week as he couldn't take anymore.Thank you everyone for your support and answering my question!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): I'm can totally relate to you I was sexual abuse for four years x it only all came out last uear and the person who abused me killed them self when it all came out I suffer from flash backs etc and find it really hardf to get physical with my boyfreind even though I want to I feel like I have no sex drive now because off it having such painful memories off being abused I want to get over the abuse but sometimes I don't see how I can without at least trying to get physical xxx I have a really understanding boyfreind thought whihc is really helping if he not understanding you deserve someone that will be xx I know I haven't really help but just so you know they way you feel etc is normal does your bf know you been abused
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 "I dont know if i am being unreasonable or he is being selfish?"
Neither really. You're free to take as much time as you want to get over this and as trauma varies wildly in how severely it affects different people, it'd be hard to take anyone who says you're being unreasonable seriously.
But at the same time, he's not really being selfish, he's just been pushed to the edge of his patience threshold... everyone's got one.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 He is being selfish. You suffered a traumatic event and are trying to recover by doing a healthy thing (seeking help) and all he can think about is having sex. Going through a sexual trauma is one of the most horrible things a person can go through, and your boyfriend needs to be more understanding of the fact that a) sex is probably extremely difficult for someone who has experienced abuse and b) that healing takes a long time. Instead all he is thinking about is getting laid.
If your boyfriend is pushing you to have sex before you're ready and getting angry at you for having been abused (something that clearly isn't even remotely your fault) then he's not the right guy for you. In fact a guy who is so insensitive about sexual abuse isn't really the right guy for anyone.
You didn't bring this on yourself. You didn't ask to be abused. Abuse isn't horrible only because of how it affects a person right in the moment, it's horrible because it traumatizes a person for years. Anyone who thinks you should just move on and get over it quickly isn't deserving of your attention.
You should take all the time you need and don't have sex unless you feel ready for it. Keep it up with the counseling and maybe direct your boyfriend to a sexual abuse information website so he can learn more about the healing process.
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