A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiIve been seeing a new partner for a few months now.. i did the old fashioned courting, but eventually the moment came to have sex.The night was fab..no problems there, but while lying there chatting.. the topic of how many partners we have had in the past came up.Ive had 6-- all of them in steady relationships as i dont do the 'casual' thing.I was quite shocked though when she told me (at age 41) that she has had 23 partners???.Obviously i didnt say anything bad..and i intend to put it out my mind but that seems an awful lot? Or am i a prude and thats normal??. I dont know why it bothers me...past is past but its sitting in the back of my mind now.Thanks Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): The politically incorrect truth is that mismatched sexual histories tend to be a problem. Even if you don't mind it directly it still reflects some very different personalities and feelings about sex and relationships. And different life experiences. It's kind of a like a major age difference. It sometimes works, but it's not a good sign of compatibility and there is absolutely no way to change it later on. Of course, you will totally be the bad guy if you actually break up with her over this. Having any opinion at all about your partner's past automatically makes you insecure, immature, judgmental, hypocritical, etc. That's the way it is today since the problem is primarily a male one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for all your comments guys.
I didnt ask, it was just...bed chat really, and she said that she had done a 'couple of one night stands' but generally she isnt into casual. A few times she was sexual early (first date) because the guy gave her the impression that a relationship was going to happen...then changed his mind after sex and dissapeared into the distance etc...
Your right, its the past and the important thing is the here and now..im not sure why its on my mind to be honest...
Really appreciate all the feedback, thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): dont worry so much my bf's 21 and he had 27 partners including me
23 is nothing at 41
i've had 14 partners at the age of 18
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): Here was a question on the same thing where Yos and I and others discussed it at length. This is probably the most discussed it was on any thread that I have seen here.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
Note that Yos and I handled it a little differently, so what works best for one person might not be the best for another. For one person it is best to discuss it with their partner; for another it is best to try to put it out of your mind. For me, putting it out of my mind worked pretty well for many years and then it started to bother me again, possibly because of some depression that I was going through. Then my wife and I discussed it for months and I finally understood what she was going through when she was doing what she did. For me, it was not as much the number of partners as the fact that she slept with guys who she had just met on several occasions. I was the first who didn't try to get her into bed the first night.
Yos gives some excellent advice in the above link of how to keep it from coming to the front of your mind. If that is the approach that you decide to take then read what he had to say carefully and try what he does.
This is not particularly for the OP, but to people who tell guys never to ask how many sexual partners a woman has had. It is not always the guy asking. It is often the woman who has the need to tell. I have had 5 sexual partners in my life and 3 of those just had to tell me about their sexual history. I never asked any woman about her sexual history, except to ask my wife for more information after she had already told me. One came right out and told me. One started to tell me by hints that made her sound like the town slut and another would tell me a little story every date that revealed another sexual partner. I never asked any of them. Of the other 2, one was a 1 night stand and the other was a 2 or 3 month relationship and I never thought of asking her. The 3 who told me did it right from the start of the relationship. So my question is why do women have this need to reveal their past? Is it bragging, guilt or something else. For me, 2 of them were definitely guilt. I'm not sure about the 3rd one, but I don't think it was bragging in any way.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 August 2009):
 Be careful. You don't want it sitting in the back of your mind too long, or it will find pernicious ways to come to the front of your mind. If you find yourself dwelling on it, try to change the subject in your head. The more you think about it, the worse it gets. The only way to get past it is to not think about it...
This is a very common issue by the way (I've experienced it myself). So it's quite natural and normal, no need to feel like a freak for it. As to why it bothers you: there's lots of reasons but it basically comes down to simple biology: on an animal level a man can never be certain 'who the father is', so we have a natural tendency to be suspicious by any signs of prior-promiscuity in our potential partners (for serious partners at least, casual it's not an issue). It's natures early-warning system to prevent you spending the next 15 years accidentally bringing up children that are not your own.
I have written on this a lot here, so search my post history if you want to read more about it. Best of luck.
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male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (14 August 2009):
 I think everyone has values about sex and life, so a persons opinion on a number of sexual partners is determined by those values.
My current partner of 17 years had many men prior to me, but although I was not too bothered about the number, I was at first a little worried about sexual health.
The past is the past, and what we did then makes us who we are now.
So I wouldn't worry about the number. I would say thanks to all those men for giving her the sexual experience and the life knowledge that makes her the woman that you love and want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): I'm 35 and have been seeing a man for almost a year and he's never asked me the number of partners I've had. That's good because I will flat out refuse to discuss it. I'm sure in my younger years people thought I was slut and I have to admit that I behaved like one but after much soul-searching I have realized the root of my behavior. I won't bore you with details and I do not blame anyone for my actions but I was mistreated(though not sexually) by my step-dad and abandoned by my real dad. I truly believe that I was looking for a man to love me and make me feel valued(2 things I didn't receive as a child) and I went about it the wrong way. I believe that all promiscuous women are trying to fill a similar void. But it doesn't mean she's more likely to cheat on you or is anymore unworthy of love and respect than someone with 2 partners. She just needs to find other ways to deal with what she has going on inside and hopefully she has a man now (you) that can appreciate her for who she is and not what she does in the bed. Good luck to you! Also, unfortunately, these issues, at least for me, made me feel very insecure in relationships and I reacted by being very jealous and emotionally demanding. So, you might get the same responses from her and unless she addresses her issues the relationship may suffer....
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female
reader, \m/J.D\m/ +, writes (14 August 2009):
 as the previous poster stated, whats normal for 1 person is not normal for another, but at 41 yrs of age she has done mighty well! im almost half her age and have slept with roughly the same, my partner is 24 and im the 49th person hes slept with. but just because hes had more sexual partners than me, it doesnt bother me, i kno we are both in a stable commited relationship and only have eyes for each other, see when you have spent some time.. sleeping around, there comes a point when you realize that you just want to be with that one person, at times im quite ashamed of my number, but the amount of ppl who tell me theres is higher ect ect you realize that was just a learning curve and the amount of sexual partners does not make a person bad some ppl go through shall we say.. rough patches in their lives whilst others just enjoy life to the full.
dont sweat it, shes with you now her past should not interfere with your future together. good luck, JD :)
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (14 August 2009):
Even if all of them were drunk one night stands, that's only 1 a year assuming she lost her virginity at 18.
Or she could have had 23 1 year committed relationships.
Either way, she's hardly giving it out on a daily basis.
It's fine in my opinion. But for future reference NEVER ask how many men a woman has been with because as a man, you are hardwired to disapprove and worry about it, no matter what she says. It's just a man thing, you are all very old fashioned no matter how hard you try. This question is asked SO OFTEN on this site.
Good Luck!! xx
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 August 2009):
 Well there is no definition of "normal" when it comes to sexual partners, what is "normal" for one person wont be "normal" for another. In your case you have been very selective with your sexual partners and I must say for your age only 6 is somewhat unusual! But good for you - you must have strong morals and have stood by them so that is something to be proud of.
Just to give you a little perspective on your partner's number of sexual partners - I am 22 and have slept with (this is somewhat embarrassing) 20 men. So she is doing pretty well compared to me seen as she is 41!
This topic always comes up on Dear Cupid, and it is always men that struggle with the number of past partners. Now I think sexual behaviour differs quite a lot between the sexes and it doesnt mean that women behave like "sluts" or are easy in any way.
I just believe that women actively look for "the right man" so to speak and will often be dating, seeing someone etc. Women want to find that man who they want to spend their lives with, and often in the process date a whole host of innapropriate men (the whole "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince" principle). And the unfortunate thing for women is that we will sleep with a man early on in a relationship because often men pressure women into sex (not verbally but women feel like if they dont sleep with a man he will go elsewhere). So in a woman's search for her perfect man she often racks up quite a high number of sexual partners!
In some cases some women do just enjoy casual sex and one night stands, and that is fine if they can seperate sex and emotions like that. But in my case, I have only had 2 one night stand sort of things, and the rest were men that I thought I could have a relationship with (how sadly mistaken I was on a number of occasions!). It is very difficult for women - if we dont sleep with a man he will get bored and often lose interest, but if we sleep with them too soon then we are "easy" or something along those lines!
So try not to think of your partner in this way - she will have just been looking for the right man and unfortunately never found him. Hopefully things will work out between you two so you will be her last! Think of it this way - if she had met you earlier then maybe that number wouldnt be so high, but it just took her some time to find you!
I hope this helps!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): Well, in the manner of thinking, like you are, 6 is too much too. Getting to the right destination takes life-experience, so next time we know who and what we are looking out for. In the past, it was very much, what does mum and dad think of that person. They ensured the partner would be some type of asset for their child.
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A
female
reader, MansonGroupie +, writes (14 August 2009):
 PS-I wouldn't say it's a normal amount, nor would I say it's an abnormal amount.
Each of us get to where we are today by taking different paths. As long as we realise along the way that certain things are often better left where they are, in the past.x
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A
female
reader, MansonGroupie +, writes (14 August 2009):
Hello,
I'll probably get labelled for saying this but, at 24, my number exceeds your partner's!
I relaise it's difficult, I was with a guy once who told me he had lost count when he reached 85!!! That was a shock but, in time, it didn't make a difference to me. He was with me & not any of the girls he'd had 'flings' with.
It took your girl a lot to admit this, all I can say is...At least she was honest...
These other guys couldn't have been so great otherwise she'd still be with one of them.
See her for the lady she is, not the mistakes/things she did in the past.
Be happy :)
xx
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