A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,My partner's cousin is getting married this year, but I am not overly thrilled about the idea of going. However, I feel like I need to go for my partner's sake and, well, because my partner is basically saying I have to go. The reason for me not wanting to go is due to the fact that I do not like his cousin or overly keen on his fiancé. His cousin has been fairly rude and disrespectful to me in the past. I have tried speaking to him and starting conversations to appear friendly, but he gives me one word answers and looks around the room as if trying to see someone else to talk to. This has happened on every occasion I have tried to speak to him. Also, at their engagement party, he didn't even say hi, just greeted my partner and ignored my presence. His fiancé is dry with me (but not with anyone else in the family) and only speaks to me when I speak to her first. My partner's family are also quite clique and I have noticed that I am a constant outsider no matter how hard I try. There was an engagement party for this couple, my partner left me for hours with people I didn't know and didn't seem interested in speaking to me even when I did try to be friendly with them, it quickly wore off. They even took pictures with each other unbeknownst to me whilst I sat beside them. Several ended up on Facebook which I wasn't overly thrilled to see because I was in the background of some and it made it so obvious how left out I truly was that night despite it being so clear that I was sitting in the chair next to them. My partner keeps insisting that I NEED to go. However, I just can't fathom going and following people around like a sad, lonely puppy. He said that I can sit with his mum or his sister if I start feeling left out. He says he won't leave me, but I don't hold high hopes that I will be seeing much of him especially when drink gets involved. I am a bubbly person, but I know that the people at the engagement party will also be at attendance, of course, and I fear that it will be another case of me being an outsider even If I do what I did before and make a point of speaking to as many people as possible. I am scratching my head on what to do or say. I feel like as a 25 year old woman, I should be able to make my mind up and put my foot down, but I don't want to disappoint my partner either.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2024): Of course you can say no.Just be ready to deal with some problems afterwards.Your partner just wants to avoid having to explain why you didn't want to come. Of course his family knows why, he also knows why. But, we live in a polite and hypocrite society where problems get pushed under the rug. Especially when you're outnumbered and they can play dumb if you ever try to explain how they really behave towards you.Also, from what you're saying your partner is making no effort to include you. I've seen this too many times. The way your partner treats you is the way his family will. It's as simple as that.If he leaves you alone for hours and ignores you, he's sending them a signal that it's OK to treat you like that. Its too complicated to go into basics of family dynamics. Some people act paralyzed when around their families for various reasons. Now, for the above mentioned "problems". Your partner may become angry because you" humiliated him" in front of his family. He may even refuse to attend your family gatherings even though he likes spending time with them, just to get even. He may even use this as ammo in any future disagreements you two may (ever) have.To make everyone happy maybe you should lie. Tell your partner the truth, but also tell him what to tell his family WHY you won't be able to come. I don't like lies. No one likes hypocrisy, even hypocrites when they're not the ones doing the "hypocriting". But maybe this could be your ticket out.However, in the long run you need to decide if this man is the right partner for you. His family isn't going anywhere anytime soon. He needs to change his behavior and ask his family to do the same. He cannot make them like you, if for some reason they are dead set on not giving you a chance, but he has to make them respect you by setting a good example and demanding them to act with respect.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (26 March 2024):
 I understand your feelings completely. I was married for years to a man that had some very disagreeable family members. I truly couldn't stand being around them but there was always hell to pay if I put up a fuss and didn't attend events. I usually just sucked it up and tried hard to avoid the diagreeable people. If its not your husband then you are more free to not go. If you are married its going to look really bad if you don't go and long term might cause a big rift in your relationship. I guess you need to ask yourself how much do you really care about your partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2024): You don't have to go if you don't want to. I agree with Honeypie, ask why he wants you to go. Explain again how uncomfortable you feel. You could also ask him why they don't like you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 March 2024):
 While I understand that sometimes we "HAVE" to participate in things we don't want to, but I absolutely get not wanting to participate in this wedding.
You call him partner, so are you or are you not married?
If you are not married, you CERTIANLY don't have to go.
If you are, it gets more complicated.
However, I would ASK your partner this, "YOU know your cousin and his fiancé don't give a shit about me, so why do YOU think I need to be there?"
Depending on his answer YOU can decide whether you will suck it up for HIM or not.
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