A
female
age
36-40,
*eeking Stability
writes:I've been dating a great guy since the beginning of May. We get along very well and are currently living together. I have known from the start that he likes porn. I made an assumption that since he had been single for a while he looked at it to 'pass the time.' I thought that once we got together he wouldn't need it anymore. I was very wrong. He has continued to look at it and it hurts my feelings VERY badly. I have talked to him about it a few times and the responses have been: "It's just a visual thing. I've done it for so long, it's like chewing gum." or "It's no big deal because I don't even do it very often. You don't know how often I do it." My response was once is too much. Once is enough to make me feel terrible, undesirable, 'ugly', insecure, etc. I think it's a big deal, so it should matter a little more to him in my opinion. Recently I've been looking to see what sites he goes to and I'm becoming alarmed. I have been perfectly clear to him that it hurts my feelings when he looks at it. I have also been clear that I do not want to have anal sex which he hounds me about EVERY time we have sex. He doesn't listen, he doesn't talk to me. I am between a rock and a hard place. Literally! =) Back to the porn. First I noticed all anal searches, then there were 'sleep creep' searches. This is where a man molests or rapes a girl while she's sleeping and video tapes it. Second I noticed more and more gay porn searches of guy on guy. Now just today I saw searches for beastiality. I am going freaking nuts. HELP! I don't know if I love him. I don't know if he loves me, we haven't said that stuff yet. What I do know is that our sex life is suffering and I'm afraid it's because I don't like anal sex. It seems that all he wants to do is watch me give a blow job, talk to me like those freaks in the porn he watches, and have anal. What is the problem? What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): Wow! If only other posters had such a mature and accepting approach to problems! Communication is of the essence!
Great to see you worked it out, with a bit of give and take.
A
female
reader, Seeking Stability +, writes (17 November 2008):
Seeking Stability is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all responses. We did have a sit down talk. I had him read what I wrote and read the responses that were there. He was very upset with me at first and embarrassed. He said that porn had gotten so repetitious that he was just looking for something to entertain him so he did unusual searches. He had no idea that I took his porn habit so personally. I told him that I didn't want to force him to do something he didn't want (to stop looking), just as I was asking of him (to not be so pushy about anal). I loved the idea of role play (not of him trying to force me, but to try to play up his taste for fetish/fantasy) and offered him a solution. I said we should rent a (ah hem) tasteful xxx film and watch it together. I also suggested I get a cute little outfit and let him take it off piece by piece. I said that way, he gets to look at porn, gets a 'naughty girl' in bed and we both have fun. I also said I could do anal once a month to try to please him. I'm ok with it because he likes it so much, and if he's not asking all the time, I wont be on the offensive at the first sign of him wanting it. Make sense?!? He offered a very sincere apology and said he 'kinda likes the idea of watching a movie together.' To the person who asked "---why are you living together then?" It's simple: We get along great and love to spend our free time together. We get along well with each other's friends and often enjoy double/triple dates. When we were living apart, we just slept over all the time and our pets were missing us. Now we're all together and have 2 other roommates, so it's more of a casual living situation rather than him and I building a home and life together. If we broke up, I'd move out. Simple enough. Luckily we are able to talk about our problems or concerns better now that this has been brought to light. I trust him to honor and respect me; this includes respecting my emotions and limits. Thank you all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): "I don't know if I love him. I don't know if he loves me, we haven't said that stuff yet. "
--Then why are you living together?
I can understand that the porn habit upsets you. I sympathise to a point, but my impression is that you want to control his sexuality about as much as he wants to control yours. He has to give up porn; you have to do anal and give him head while he watches. Controlling relationships are never good. In fact, if you really can't stand his porn habit, you should leave him. Simple as that.
As for his demands for anal, etc. It sounds like his fantasy porn life is spilling over into your real sex life. This is not a good thing and suggests that he is focussing far to much on sex acts and not enough on the relationship. On the other hand, I think you could cut him a bit of slack on this. Guys, particularly young guys, are pretty obsessed with sex, and this tends to overshadow the fact that they are dealing with a living person with feelings, not a body that they can try out everything they ever dreamed of on. So ease up a little, stop freaking out, and realise that he's just a young guy who's gone a bit too far in his fascination with sex.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (23 October 2008):
 Honey, I think you need to get out of this relationship. He is disrespecting you and has abnormal fetishes. His pressuring you to have anal sex is a HUGE red flag to me. My ex husband also was hugely into to anal sex wich I HATED!! He ended up raping me. Repeatedly. He never took responsibility for his actions, never admitted it was rape. Instead he blamed me for not giving him the anal sex he desired. Since I denied it to him he felt justified in taking it.
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A
male
reader, Beery  +, writes (23 October 2008):
 Firstly, your sex life isn't suffering because you don't like anal sex. It's suffering because he insists on pressuring you to do a sexual act that you don't want to do.
Personally, I watch porn a lot, and I see nothing wrong with it as long as it's consensual, but the gay/bestial/anal stuff is not my bag and strikes me as a bit weird. Personally I have a big problem with bestial porn because the animals cannot possibly consent. When your partner watches bestial porn he's enjoying rape! That is wrong, however he might spin it.
Anyway, getting away from from the TYPE of porn he's watching, the real problem here is the fact that he's trying to get you to do things you don't want to do. That's wrong. He needs to respect you, and respecting you means NOT forcing or cajoling you into doing things against your will. In my opinion the 'doing things against your will' thing is what gets him off. Maybe you could try roleplaying for him - act as if you really don't want to have sex - i.e. pretend you DON'T like doing something that you DO like - that might satisfy his need to feel that he's forcing you to do stuff that you don't want to.
On the other hand, maybe it's become too much and you just don't want to cater to his desires. In that case, I'd have a long talk to him about whether you should continue the relationship. After all, if he continues to pressure you, and if you're going to feel constant pressure from him to do things you just don't want to do, that's not healthy for either of you.
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A
male
reader, enjoimx +, writes (21 October 2008):
 It sounds like you dont like his behavior, and trying to make him change is not respectful of him as a person. If you dont like him for who he is, time to move on to someone you do like.
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A
female
reader, Trauma +, writes (21 October 2008):
 Some people just have weird fetishes. It's really not his fault, & actually it's pretty normal.
But him trying to pressure you into doing sexual things you don't want (such as anal), is extremely wrong. I dated a guy a few months ago who just wouldn't take no for an answer if he wanted something sexually, whether I wanted it or not.
As hard as it may be, you really need to have a sit-down talk with him. Tell him that you really don't want to do anal, & that even though him watching porn seems like a habit to him, it still makes you uncomfortable. If he can't respect the fact that you don't want to do something sexually, then is he really worth your time?
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