A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner lied to me about having a child from a previous relationship. I knew he had two other childrend but I didn't know he had had another child who would be eleven years old now. I knew my partner had a relationship with the child's mother as he told me he had. He denies the child is his but the mother of the child and his family disagree saying the child is his. He pays child support for the child but wants nothing to do with child or mother. His family told me about the child. When I asked him to verify what they told me he got angry and blamed me saying I was being nosey and asked them myself but I didn't know anything about the child til they told me. His family also told me that the child's mother used to be violently abusive toward him and they often used to see bruises on him. When I talked to him about it he said he has forgotten everything to do with her but there are major discrepancies between his and his familys stories. I found all this out after I had his child. I'm wondering if I should just forget it as it was so long ago or if its a red flag for our relationship...
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 February 2012):
 It's still your right to want to ask, to want to fix things. Your a mother and his soulmate, you want the best for all of you and that includes your child. Your instincts are to protect (you, your child and now him) and that is very good.
Leaving alone for now is good. Trying to tackle it later is also good. I don't like anyone to be in pain (ex women, new mothers, missing children, grandparents). In time maybe things will be fixed. Your here for the longterm, many, many years to work this out, because your not going nowhere.
Good luck to you and yours.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I am not going to leave just because he "forgot to tell me about the child. Perhaps he was too upset to tell anyone he was romantic with. We have our child to bring up and he is a loving and playful father to him. I love thisman very much and will not be just another witch who denies him the right to be a decent father or deprives our child of a loving father because he made a mistake. I was worried he would think I am a walkover but maybe he was afraid that if he told me I would not love him. By talking about it with him it brings up a painful past which he would rather forget so I think I will let him. At least he will see our child grow up.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 February 2012):
I'm curious to what happens now. You already have a kid for this guy.. are you going to dump him and ban him from being a father.. Protect the child from who? Is there signs that the guy is abusive, has he hurt you or your child in anyway. Leave your child without a father, why, for what reason? Because he has doubts that an older child is his. What about the man's family, do they get thrown out of your life as well, is your child going to do without grandparents?Your issue is the guy might leave you and your child, so why hurry and run out the door so you can be first. Your already in a relationship, your already parents. I can't really see the point of leaving. His mum sounds alright, how about you go and talk to her about your concerns, or try talking to him again before you make any dramatic decisions. How about your own family and friends, they are closer to you, they know the guy and will be able to tell you if the relationship is doing you any good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): Any man who denies or goes out of his way to avoid any kind of contact with his child or children is not a man to be in a relationship with he is using his past abusive relationship with this childs mother as an excuse so he does not have to be a loving responsible supportive father they are nothing other than a burden and no doubt in time you and your child will become this burden
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 February 2012):
One woman beat him up
The other takes his kids away because he has a girlfriend
Your on here because you judge him because of how he's treated
Guy doesn't seem to have much luck with women
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 I know DNA tests are expensive, and so it is paying 18 years of child support for a child that - he says,- is not even his....
Two and two simply do not make four here.
I feel for you, I understand you are in a tough predicament because you have a child with him too- so telling you " just dump him " is too simplistic, I really have no one-size-fits -all answer for you.
Unless the question is, do you think I can trust him: in this case my answer is: alas, no.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe mother of his other two children stopped him from seeing them when she found out he was with me claiming she did not want them to look upon me as a mother figure, I let her know I have my own child to mother but she will not let him see his children she just wants money. His family say they asked the mother of the eleven year old why they cannot be in the child's life and the mother just wouldn't speak about it. Both mothers claimed child support. The fact he will not challenge this says a lot to me. DNA tests are very expensive I offered to
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 February 2012):
Red flag ? It's a crimson flag !
how can he have "forgotten " to tell you he had a child already ...just because it happened 11 years ago ? I had my child TWENTYTWO years ago , it never occurred to me to introduce myself as a childess woman , then,when caught in lies, say oh but that does not count, it was so long time ago...
Ok, he says the child is not his,... but if he is so sure about it, why the heck is he paying child support ?? Why did he not require a DNA test to exclude his paternity ??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): YESSS!!!Red Flag #1-Any man that would lie about his own CHILD shows a lack of accountability.Red Flag #2-He has multiple "Baby Mamas". This shows he has a LACK of personal responsibility. There was a lesson he never learned!Red Flag#3-He denies the child is his, pays child support, but never got tested? Again, lack of responsibility and most likely-that kid IS HIS. Any sane man would take the steps to find out for sure.#Red Flag number four. When you confront him about the omission of this child-he tells you that you are being nosy. Sorry...exwifes and kids are part of the info history when you get into a serious relationship. It is disclosure. Hiding that makes you wonder-what else is a "secret". It breaks TRUST. (BTW, his reponse is a defense mechanism)Red Flag #five. YOU have a baby with him? He keeps repeating history. He makes babies and denies them.Take steps to protect your child and move on.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 There are a number of red flags here. Doesn't sound good....
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 February 2012):
It would be a red flag to me. I like men who love their children, and I expect them to maintain a good relationship with the child's mother, if not friendship, then at least they should be a support to her and their child. Then I can be sure they actually like women and will be decent with me.You say the woman was an abuser... that would change things. I wouldn't expect a woman to want to stay in contact with an abuser, and I don't see why a man should either. I can see why he doesn't want to talk about it. Domestic abuse against men is a shameful and hidden problem. Women who have been sexually abused have the right to keep their secrets, I don't see why this should be different for men.The fact that he gets angry about it, doesn't talk and denies that the child is his, all makes me believe that he is telling the truth. It fits the pattern of a man who lived with someone abusive and it's something he wants to forget. Eleven years ago, it would probably been difficult to get a DNA test, or he might not have known how to go about it, so he's paying for a child that is not his.Remember, it's his family that told you about the bruises, not him, he hid and covered his pride. Just like maybe he hid the fact that he's paying for a child from someone else. His family say the kid is his, but how do they know, how sure are they? There may be other secrets about that relationship that he has hidden from them. He declare's two other children, so he does know how to be a father. He only ignores one, one he denies, one from a woman who abused him that he'd rather forget. You have a child, how does he treat you and your baby? What do his other children say about him, is he still in contact with their mother?If someone has been in a really bad relationship, you can't push them into talking, it has to be handled very gently. You can't call them liar's or say that their hiding. You don't act like this with abused women and abused men deserve the same treatment and respect. Leave it for a while, and then ask him very gently if he wants to talk about it, because your there to support and love him and help heal any pain.
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