A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, in need of some help as I'm at a total loss right now.I've not long come out of a long term relationship with a married man and my self esteem is at an all time low.he left her for me but then carried on seeing us both behind the other ones back.Well after finnally cutting all ties I finnally feel ready to move on and find someone with less baggage and more about them to share my life with. Trouble is, all the men my age seem to just want to drink, play stupidness and sleep around.I'm only in my mid 20's but already I feel as though there's no hope. I'm not bad looking but I'm not very sociable either. I don't go out to the pub every week and I don't like 'dating' which I gather to mean 'friends with benefits'.How on earth do I go about meeting someone new and not comparing them to my rat of an ex?
View related questions:
married man, move on, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Deathbunny  +, writes (12 February 2012):
See, we learn as we go along on relationships, other life skills, and such. This means we end up basing a lot of our judgement on such things as partner choice and how to solve major dilemmas like how to handle who at the last pastry in the fridge the other person actually wanted by applying the knowledge we got the last time it happened...So, you're going to compare any and all future romantic partners to your ex, like it or not.That said, what you really need to do is sit down with yourself, maybe a blank piece of paper or two, and make a concerted effort to think about what was good and what was bad about your most recent ex. If you do that, consider doing it for all of your exes. What you should come up with is a list of traits that got you into the relationship (good traits), traits that made you want out of the relationship (bad traits) and you then have a recipe of stuff to avoid next time around as well as things you might like in a future partner.Otherwise, what you often end up with by categorically associating all traits associated with your ex as "bad" is a strong aversion to traits you might need in a relationship...For example, my ex-before last was a psychotic, abusive... er... woman. She couldn't handle when people disagreed with her but wouldn't communicate what she actually wanted. Plus, the only way she could learn "boundaries" in behavior is if her partner got mad at her or was physically and/or emotionally abusive toward her.Which I wasn't and which is how I ended up getting physically abused by her.On the other hand, she could be rather attentive, romantic, and intelligently discuss a range of topics I enjoyed. She was also very caring toward her children and made a very good effort at work/home balance. So, when I consider partners based on my experience, I do compare them to her in two ways... The traits I DON'T want and the traits I do want. I didn't do that fresh afterwards though. So, the relationship that I had right after her ended up being very platonic and friendly because I intentionally avoided women who had any common traits (other than sex and sexuality) with the ex-psycho...So, good luck with that. Make the effort to learn and separate the pluses and minuses and you should do okay.
|
