A
male
age
36-40,
*alifaxer
writes:This question follows on from where my last one left off. I got some very sound, impartial - and ACCURATE advice, so I'm hoping for more of the same. Well, even just a sympathetic ear would do... Cheers.Let me start by saying this is a long drawn out story. I will do my best to cut it down, but I suppose I need advice from anyone who knows about depression when it affects one person in a relationship and what I can do to stop myself from making it worse for my partner.About 6 months ago, I discovered my partner of 3 years had been viewing a social networking profile of on of his exes. It initially cause problems because I had noticed this profile in his computers history and innocently asked who it was, which he shrugged off as some random person who'd viewed his first so he reciprocated the gesture. It didn't sit easy and so I began to dig a bit deeper behind partner's back and in a drunken conversation amongst friends, he owned up to his best sexual experience prior to me of course being this guy called, let's say "David" - I then realised they were one and the same! Even when confronted with the truth, he initially denied it - until I was so adamant I knew, he owned up. Played it down as something stupid. The arguments didn't exactly stop though because I still felt uneasy and over the course of me digging, finding out more info and confronting him, 8-10 confrontations later I discovered he had chatted to this person online... he had viewed this person's profile 37 times over a course of 3 months... he told me he'd only ever had 2 sexual encounters with this person - the first being a very good experience, the second not hence no further contact... then it came out he'd felt attacked by this person during the second encounter, my partner trying to stop the sexual act and being held down and forced to endure it... then later it emerged he had a secret email address and was registered with a number of slave/master websites... that he sometimes enjoyed the feeling of being dominanated, though it made him feel dirty... that he had bought webcams to actively explore this side of him online with strangers. He said he'd only been viewing "David's" profile and entrapping him into conversations to try and get closure on the second incident when he'd felt attacked, but had never succeeded.Needless to say, I was shocked at all of this however understood it must have been hard to come to terms with, hence never spoken about. I even understood the reasoning behind going onto these kind of websites to try and understand his feelings. He said he was bullied verbally as a child in school and throughout college and from puberty had sexualised his bullies and turned it into a sort of fantasy thing to deal with his self-hatred which the bullying made him feel. He admitted that while he enjoyed the feeling of being dominated on these websites, he also felt dirty and ashamed afterwards. He couldn't understand what was wrong with him. In fact, as an adult he was virtually impotent unless he felt dominated.Every confrontation with my partner was like pulling teeth because he would not offer any explanations or elaborate on small bits of info he'd tell me. It was all me asking him, "is this what you're saying..."Things settled over Christmas until he realised I'd once again been spying in his computer's history - this time genuinely to see what type of BDSM things he'd been viewing in order to establish what it was he was too ashamed to admit to liking so we could explore some things together.What came of it was another big argument as I discovered he had been looking up a lot of images and videos involving a submissive male being sexual with very dominant, "very endowed" males - which made me feel slightly insecure. "David" had had a reputation for being very dominant and also very well endowed, so I began to question whether this was all to get closer or simply to fantasize about experiences he felt I couldn't offer him.He admitted partly to this being the reason, but after an ultimatum by myself to get councelling and get himself sorted in what he wants and doesn't want, he finally admitted for the first time - the user name he'd been using on all these sites, say "robertsboy" had a meaning behind it. "Robert" physically existed and had bullied him as an adult in a place of work and that it symbolised him feeling like a victim of "Robert" hence "robert's boy" etc. This instance had also led him to take a course of anti-depressants for a time, another thing I'd never known.He's now gone back to the doctor, began a course of flouxo-something and is being referred for councelling as he can now admit he is still depressed - it has never really gone away and he's been putting on a show.So... a lot to take in.I'm really struggling to cope. I have been betrayed in a matter of speaking, yet I feel I can't get angry because his excuse is he couldn't understand what he was feeling and didn't know how else to vent it.He also feels soooo guilty and sorry about it all, more guilty and sorry than I am angry and hurt and that's a lot, so I feel I can't be angry or show I'm hurt because it makes him feel worse and it's hard to see him hurting and punishing himself so bad.I realise anti-depressants take a while to kick in, but he's become so sarcastic, moody and withdrawn since he started taking them - I almost feel like he's taking liberties and using it as an excuse to hurt me further.Can I also explain, I was bullied heavily in school I also as an adult was attacked by someone I had been sexual with with a hyperdermic - the person then admitted they had HIV - thankfully I tested negative many months later. But I treated it so differently to the way he has. I dealt with it by talking out loud, sharing things with close friends and family till it didn't hurt anymore and I wasn't affected by it - so for the life of me I cannot relate to his way of dealing with it... by not talking about it. I know different strokes for different folks etc. but it makes no sense.Even now he says he's had good days and bad days and sometimes thinks about and relives his negative experiences in life and has come to some conclusions about them - yet he still says he's not ready (or strong enough) to share them with me. I'm hurt.I've put up with so much, assured him I'm not going anywhere and I only want to help him - yet it feels like he's deliberately keeping stuff from me still.I have since uncovered from chatting anonymously with "David" exactly what the two of them got up to that first time - the time my partner has admitted was his best sexual encounter before meeting me - and it's stuff I can only dream my partner would want to do with me. Stuff I have suggested and he's refused.I'm torn between believing him and trying to support him, yet I feel he doesn't want to share or talk openly about this experience as he wants to keep the memory and fantasy to himself and secretly sexualise it.Help, I feel like I'm not good enough for my partner anymore, yet he just doesn't want to admit this to himself or lose someone who he knows is a good thing in the long run...
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female
reader, salvadda  +, writes (17 February 2009):
 This is a VERY touchy subject in its self. I will 1st state that anti depression drugs do ulter a person's mood but not to that extent. It is very hard to explain why ppl like to be in that situation. Some ppl may look down on it, but it is not to say that is a bad thing. This can be brought on by many things.Some ppl look to weakness as a turn on. Some ppl who have authority who always have to be strong or have to show initiative in the work force sometimes need to let go of this in a manner of speaking, *stress release* Though not everyone is like that there r more than u can imagine. I myself don't see anything wrong with this, but it is a matter of understanding it. To urself and others it is viewed as *weird* so to speak. If controled and both ppl r aware and are compliant it is ok. We must except others differences and not judge. The matter starts to become a prob. when only 1 partner is this way and the other is not. If this really bothers you try to look into it. You can seek out information from concellors, doctors, etc. If u love this person u might want to ask if it will be ok if u both give it go *only if u r comfortable with this. I am not saying to change how u feel. I am saying if u want to understand ur partner don't shut this out.Some ppl become afraid to *come out* so to speak because of being judge. Ask if u can go into concelling with ur partner. Discuss it with an expert, someone who is impartial, *unprejudiced appraisal of the pros and cons* The most hidden parts of our partners at times involve sexual natures. They keep things that they might think the other may not except. Keep an open mind. If u shut ur partner out it will only make them feel uneasy and misunderstood. If u really want this to work out and love ur partner make sure to let it known without judging. I will say if this is something u dislike or can't bring urself to do, don't push urself and be honest with that issue also.Going to concelling u both may find out the root of it all....Good luck
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