A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Approximately 10 weeks ago I starting seeing someone, he asked me out - we clicked immediately and both felt we had something special. Everything was pretty great up until 3 weeks ago.His wife had left him early this year and he had only been apart from her for 3 months before seeing me. I was worried about this at first but he assured me there were no feelings there as she had left him for another man. Anyway to cut a long story short he has been seeing a solicitor, receiving letters about settlements and it's all getting him down. So much so our relationship is being affected, he's distant, doesn't see me as much, he still calls every day but speaks for about 2 minutes. I am wondering if i can ever get back what we had or is he just not ready. Do I leave him and give him space when he needs me to talk to and to be there for him? I love him and I don't want to end the relationship but i'm not sure how much more of him pushing me away I can take. I think he's pushing me away because he's scared i'll leave him and if he's not close to me then he won't get hurt again... am I making excuses, this all sounds so messed up and I don't know if I have the strength to deal with it.We both have a young child each too which I suppose does complicate matters but the good thing is they are not aware of our relationship so any break up wouldn't affect them.HELP!!! :(
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (4 July 2010):
 He is bound to have experienced a great deal of hurt - feelings of betrayal, perhaps doubts as to his own adequacy as a man (you know, "what does this other guy she left me for have that I don't" sort of thing). He must have been quite devastated and is still working his way through it. While it's true they'd been apart for three months when he met you, I assure you, that's NOTHING: no time at all.
And now he is faced with the reality of impending divorce and the realization that the years he spent with his wife are about to be at an utter end. It's one thing to tell you - most likely in all sincerity - that because she left him for another man, he has no feelings left for her, but quite another to be faced with the reality of "THE END" with all the details of settlements, child custody, dealing with the solicitor, and on and on. No wonder its getting him down.
And then, before that reality fully hit home, you came along. I would guess he was relieved to meet a woman he found attractive and sympathetic. However, its all so very, very new.
Now: I'm not saying he doesn't care for you, mind. Hopefully he does care about you, and likes you for who you are. I am saying you must be prepared to recognize what he's going through and to think carefully as to how much you want to invest in this relationship and whether you can in fact find the - let's call it "stamina" for want of a better term - to hang in there while he sorts his life out, knowing that there's no (and by the nature of things can not be) guarantees.
As to whether he's pushing you away because he's afraid you'll leave him, well, who knows? Certainly its possible, but he might not even be in a position to know, himself.
I'd say if you want to stick with him and ride it out, let him know you love him, and will support him any way you can - WHEN and IF he asks you to. He MIGHT just want to spend a lot of time on his own right now so as to cut down on the confusion. If so, please don't take it personally. He needs to have time and space, as you so rightly observe.
So no, I'm not telling you to end it. Not unless you feel after thinking it over you just can't deal with it, that is.
Hope this helps!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2010): Im going throught the same thing, I have just told my partner that we need to take a break, he needs to deal with his divorce and when he is truly available I will be there for him. Divorce is devastating, whether or not theyve fallen out of love, the family unit they once had is still broken and there can be alot of guilt, hurt and feelings of failure involved.
I say give him space, let him sort his life out and when he is truly free, then he will be yours to date.
Don't get involved in their messy drama, or you'll feel like I did. x
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (4 July 2010):
 Mmmm tricky! I guess the best thing to do would be to tell him you love him and you are there for him 100% but you have been feeling maybe he needs some space to work his divorce out. Ask him to talk to you about it and be honest about his feelings. Tell him the relationship is important to you and that you feel like he is pushing you away. If you can open up some honest diaglogue between you I'm sure you can work it all out.
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