A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am 65 and my guy is 68. In many ways he is very sensible, calm, wise, reliable and everything I could wish for. But I have an illness and sometimes it is necessary to ring for an ambulance urgently because I struggle to breath at those times. He has to make the phone call - it is just the two of us here - I am unable to talk at those times - and it is urgent. But he just does not get it. He talks very slowly and calmly as if there is all the time in the world and gives them a lot of wrong information! Yesterday this happened again.The person he was talking to asked if I have asthma and he said yes. They then started to believe the problem was asthma - when it is not and he knows it is not.So they told him to tell me to use my inhalers.Which are totally useless for this problem. If they were going to be of any help I would have already6 used them instead of getting worse and needing an ambulance.Because I was so poorly I nearly passed out and fell over, struggling to gasp for air, and wet myself totally. I tried to say to him that he must tell them this is not asthma but he ignored me.Then at the end of the call he tells me to use my inhalers. When I had already tried them and they made no difference because the problem is not asthma.He knew that. I had a very bad sore throat, high temperature, a lot of pain in face, unable to eat and swallow, these are nothing to do with asthma.It was strep throat infection. I've had it before. When I get that way I need to have help with my breathing and take antibiotics which I have here in the house ready as a rescue pack. The problem with my guy is that he never thinks for himself and never contradicts anyone. So if they ask him if it is asthma and tell hm to tell me to use the inhalers he just does as he is told. Without thinking it is not going to be of any help. We have been together eight years and he has seen me ill and unable to breath with asthma and seen me ill with this and he knows they are two different things.But he thinks it is rude to contradict the person on the other end of the phone. And puts that before being of any help and doing the best thing.Please don't suggest silly ideas like get someone else to ring for the ambulance. It is just the two of us here, there is nobody else, and when I get bad like that I cannot breath or speak without great effort.So he has to make the call.I've tried sitting down with him when I am well and explaining all this to him,. he will agree with me and then i'ts all different when he has to phone them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2022): No I cannot write on a board - if I cannot barely speak or breath I cannot do that either. It is hard to move or stand up or exist at those moments and then go on for what seems like hours but probably just minutes. I would have thought of that. And the idea you can just press a button etc is not an option either. I did say when I posted that I knew nobody could help me with advice, I am stuck with it, and it was a rant, thank you for reading.
One of you said something sensible - that my partner should realise the medical profession are not infallible. Yes I know. Have told him this over and over, it will not sink in.
My partner is the sort to always see the good in people,
he believes it when someone tells him he is innocent of murder or the cheque is in the post. He has no idea at all.
Ive had three illnesses which were misdiagnosed or I had to diagnose myself. Ive become an expert on looking things up on google and solving these things better than the doctors when it comes to knowing what is wrong, or what medication can help.
And no the answer is not to change doctors, thought of all that too.
A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (12 August 2022):
Can you type during these episodes? People who are deaf and/or non-verbal contact the emergency services this way. And I'm pretty sure it's a service anyone can use - I don't think you have to prove you have any disability to use it.
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A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (8 August 2022):
Hi,
I tried to answer you before but my answer still hasn't been published so I'll try again.
Ask your doctors how they would expect a single person with a similar condition to yours to call for help.
A former colleague of mine who had several life-threatening allergies had some kind of system where her telephone number would be flagged up if she made a call to emergency services. Therefore, if she made a 999 call and didn't say anything an ambulance would be sent to her phone's location regardless.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 August 2022):
 Blindly believing anyone in the medical profession is infallible and cannot make a mistake could seriously backfire on your partner at some point.
I know this from personal experience. If I had blindly followed instructions years ago regarding my mother's medication, she would probably have been in her grave years before her time as she was prescribed incorrect dosages on at least two occasions that I noticed. The pharmacist I queried this with on one occasion told me it could have been very detrimental to her health, possibly fatal. A friend of mine had a heart attack and died and it transpired that he had been prescribed completely inappropriate dosage of medication for his heart condition. A work colleague's baby was brain damaged at birth due to medical errors by the hospital staff. He spent his short life completely disabled and died at 2 years of age - all because of a preventable error by the hospital staff.
EVERYONE makes mistakes; doctors and nurses are no different, as YOU know, having been in the profession yourself. It is sad that your partner has been indoctrinated to have 100% faith in these people, just because of their profession. They are still human and nobody should be afraid to question them. It is nothing to do with being rude but everything to do with staying alive. Sadly a lot of people, especially the older generation, were brought up to believe that anyone in the medical profession should be treated as a god and not questioned.
I'm sorry, I have no advice as such as I doubt you can do much to change his personality at this stage. Can you discuss the situation with your doctor to see if there is any sort of "plan" which can be put in place, as this appears to be a frequent occurrence?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2022): From original poster - to anonymous - I would not be able to make the call if on my own. You have to give a lot of information and answer loads of questions, this is impossible when you are struggling to breath, move, speak!
There was one time when I could not breath and had to wake him up and get him to ring them urgently and he said
"look it is past midnight, it is far too late to ring them, you cannot disturb people at this hour of the night, it has to wait till after 9 am tomorrow"!
You never know what he will say next, but its always about bending over backwards to please the other person, no matter how much that could hurt or affect us.
The day after he came into the hospital and said he was sorry for saying this, he realises now that you can ring them 24 7 and he would have rung quicker.
If we are both feeling well enough to go out for a meal he says this about ringing a pub to book a table. You cannot ring them in the evening to book it because it is out of hours, late, it must wait till normal hours! Nine times out of ten those places are not even open earlier.
And no an alert to get an ambulance would not work.
They would still want to ask all of these questions. You cannot get an alert for something like breathing problems.
It's no good writing out in advance what he says next time he has to ring them either ... each call goes differently depending on whether it is the asthma and he would not be able to think on his feet quick enough to adapt to a change of question or what to say if they ask something different.
He also is not great at reading and reads very very slowly.
I had thought of all of these things.
There is also the fact that when my hubby turns up at the hospital the day after to visit he goes all soft and pleasing again if he speaks to them there, he does not think of things like bringing me in a book to read or a snack or clothes. He is like this from start to finish.
I did say when I sent this question in I knew nobody would be able to suggest anything I had not thought of, I am very sensible and I am a medical person, just to have a rant.
Thanks for listening.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2022): Nice ?...that's a way of seeing it, personally I can't see anything nice on being so passive-aggressive.One thing is being an easygoing,low maintenance,flexible type who does not fuss too much about things, -all another to be a grown up who cannot set boundaries and speak his mind but then has to moan and groan and kvetch behind the back of the "offending " person !,like in the case of the rescheduled appointment at the hospital. Kudoos to you, personally I have zero patience with, and zero time for, this kind of people.
Unluckily,it seems that you will need this patience, it is very hard to teach an old dog new tricks , and I do not think he is going to change if he has been like this all his life and somehow it has worked well for him. The best you can do maybe is to consult with your doctor and ask him /her some short ,to the point answers to questions you may be asked by tbe paramedi s.You know ,like a short FAQ list that he can keep handy by the phone and also familiarize himself with *before * you have a crisis. Or, more simply and efficiently, he could just NOT answer questions, he could simply say " she cannot talk .I am not a doctor so I have no idea what's wrong with her, so just come and get her ,please ".
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 August 2022):
 Can you get a medical alert necklace or bracelet?
One where you can have a button to call in case of emergencies, the ambulance will show up without a lengthy call.
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A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (5 August 2022):
Talk to the people who are managing your condition in the community (probably your GP) and discuss the situation with them. Ask them how a single person with your condition would be expected to call for help.
A former colleague of mine with very severe allergies had some kind of system where her phone number was registered with the emergency services so if she made a 999 call and didn't say anything they would trace her phone and send an ambulance out regardless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2022): From original question answer - hello Honeypie and thank you for your reply. When I am unable to breath I am virtually passing out so not up to doing that. Believe me I had thought of it. I did say that I have sat him down and gone through it all with him many times telling him what to say when he phones, because when we do that I am able to speak properly and then I could write on a board if I had to. But it is totally different when I am ill, the whole reason we need an ambulance then is because I am too ill to do those things.I've just been taken to hospital again - this has happened hundreds of times - a few days ago. My guy is so non confrontational and a people pleaser. When he visited me in the hospital and the doctor came around doing his rounds and I pointed out to the doctor that the medicine they had given me does not help me at all he got angry with me and told me not to be so rude to the doctor. Said it made me sound negative and confrontational. But it is true.They had given me asthma medications and they were the wrong ones. You can tell quickly if you are the patient and given the wrong ones. He started an argument with me about how I should just accept whatever they decide to do and it is wrong of me to question them or find fault with them.Yet he knows I was right. I pointed out that I was going to be there for a few days (I came home last night) and if I could not tell them the truth and be honest it was all pointless. I saw four doctors and three listened properly to what I said, one got angry when I said it was the wrong medicine. But this was true.By the way I am a medical person myself.He is not. BUT in every situation with anyone he always takes the way of agreeing with people and least resistance.Here is a good and silly example.He went to the hospital with me about his own health a few months ago. It was a long journey. When we got there we saw his consultant and the consultant asked him if it was convenient for us to return to see her again on such and such a date and time later in the year. He said yes.We left the consultant's office and he started going on and on getting all worked up telling me that day was not convenient and how difficult it was going to make his life.He could not stop moaning about it. So I said well she did say is this date convenient to you, you should have said no.Oh no, you cannot do that he says, they would think you are difficult, it's rude ! All that crap again.So instead he spent ages rearranging all the things he had put down for that day. He is the sort of guy who thinks it is rude to remind someone if they owe you money. And in a few months we have his family come to visit. He insists they can use our beds when they stay. Even though they all have pots of money and could easily have stayed at a top hotel around the corner.I insist that I still sleep in my bed! After all I am 65with a very bad back and a lot of trouble with sleeping.He is quite ill himself, but he would rather sleep on the floor and have a crappy week sleep wise etc than have them sleep at a hotel or on the sofa or floor. He is far too nice for his own good.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 August 2022):
Write down what you want him to say when calling an ambulance.
Have it near your phone.
You already know that your "guy" is useless and doesn't think for himself, we can't magically fix him from here.
Work with what you got. Maybe have a dry-erase board and write down WHAT exactly he needs to say.
Not sure how else to fix this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2022): What would you do if you were on your own and this happened? Is there any way you can make the call yourself and let the operators hear how bad you are? If you can manage to say, 'not asthma' to them, then I can't help thinking this is what I would do as your partner sounds worse than useless in this situation.
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